How do I deal with my step-father? (long, sorry)
hopeless
17 years ago
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Comments (35)
hopeless
17 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
what to do with troublesome family members (sorry, very long)
Comments (7)My problem is not about marriage! Mine is about my eldest, who loves to degrade me, talk about me to her friends, get them to believe she knows me SO WELL, that whatever she says about me is absolutely the truth! She will tell me, she is JUST TRYING TO HELP ME,that I have problems, that no one knows about but her, then she blasted me on an internet page, (not in private) but so E1 could read it, about something I did 2 mos ago and saying the current incident is THE SAME thing but that she stood up for me anyway, when another family member I now live with said I lied,(which I didn't). Anyway,twice, she had asked me to live with her, to help me financially, after becoming disabled and was struggling but both times, it was a disaster, and of course,(I got the blame) even though I stay to myself, respect others in the home,tried not to get work dumped on me. But both times I got accused of not doing ANY of that! And of course,also, SHE IS ALWAYS RIGHT! If I would have my own opinion on ANYTHING...she would correct me, telling me and others how WRONG I am! We have mutual friends and I think she is also jealous of that! One of my other daughters has told her to stay away from her and her family, that she was no longer welcome in their home because she related her husband to someone else, that he is totally not like at all. A mutual friend on an internet site, doesn't talk to her anymore, and I recently asked her why that was, and she said she HONESTLY didn't know, she just quit talking to her? I just read the post on: "TOXIC Relationships"! And believe me, most of it has been going on for about 3 plus yrs. between us. I have stopped talking to her in the past, due to this behavior toward me but if she approached me and apologized,(which isn't often but she will do it, if there's a benefit in it somewhere)...or so it seems?...I have given her the benefit of the doubt and we have started hanging out again! It's funny how the very things she accuses me of, she does herself but somehow, the WAY she does it, is still better than me! I just moved out the last time at the end of Feb 11 and moved in with another fam. member because I had no where to go. She didn't ask me to move out but it wasn't pleasant, so decided it was best for me! (all involved)!I think she's jealous as I said about a mutual friend because I had asked her to go places with me without my daughter and so? Her and I get along! my daughter has told me to SHUT UP in public and embarrased me, and our friend said "respect her, that's your Mom". And she'd say, "I'm just playing"! For some reason she had gotten into this bad habit of saying this and even has said it to her husband making him mad too! However, she has gotten over that mostly! Her and her husband had their own problems and needed help, that's ok but now that they are, she advises others, as though she's all fixed and can/should tell others their problems and "learn from this" is what she likes to say now! I have made my mistakes ,I'm human but when I did said I wouldn't do it again and didn't but this last thing she decided to advise me on was similiar but not exactly the same thing happened but she isn't SAYING it but doesn't believe me about it! And when I told her she was wrong about it and me, she just kept going on and on about it and I asked her to quit, that I can kick my own butt all by myself. That I already felt bad about the situation and her rubbing it in wasn't helping!BUT she just kept on, so I said what I had to say and decided it was best to not talk to her and had to delete her off my internet page so I don't get her messages! It's too tempting for me to reply and I just don't need her "helpful" advise or hurtful words! I have felt like crap over all this happening! This is my eldest daughter! I've asked her to respect me, even if she didn't like things I DO! I don't go out of my way to say hurtful things to her! But even in common talk, she will begin YELLING..just to say something like she's anticipating a neg. reply before I speak, so I am already on the defense myself and YELL back! It is utterly ridiculous! ANd I have never liked it! But I can't get her to see her part in it! Even her best friend said,I dont argue with her, cause she has always GOT TO BE RIGHT! And her room mate that lives with them asked me a couple of times,"Why do you argue with her, just ignore her, smile and say BLESS YOUR HEART"!(but she either tells her off or kisses her rear end) and my daug. makes extra money off her for staying there? Well back then, I didn't realize the arguing is what she wanted to prove her point as to why she is always right! But if you tell her that, she will say "No she doesn't need to be"! SO, once again, I am having to just stay away from her,& not talk to her! It feels awful! But if I say look Im done, I can't take this anymore, you won't quit, she will say, "why do you treat me so mean"? "I do everything for everyone and this is how I get treated by everybody"! Gee, I don't know..hmmm!So here I am, on the net, looking up this problem to see, if I am wrong! But from what I've read, it is on her! Her own LOW SELF-ESTEEM, and she needs to do this! OMG, this is heart-breaking to me! She had me convinced for so long, that I was just a terrible Mother and making all these mistakes. Not when she was young, she had the utmost RESPECT for me! But as an adult, she has turned against me! And I honetly don't know why! She once said, she just didnt trust ANYONE anymore after her 2nd husband molested her kids!(13 yrs.ago and lots of counciling). That is where she lost trust! I can understand that but why me? I didn't do those things! Sorry this is so long but it DOES help to get it out! Without burdening my friends and family of hearing it ALL AGAIN! AND she doesn't WANT anyone TO THINK ANY OF IT IS HER FAULT! Never, ever,NEVER!!!! SO, I guess I do just have to stay completely away!?? That is so sad!She can seem so very caring and giving but I tell you, it will benefit her in the end! I did the best I could with what I knew raising my children, I have 4. 3 girls and one son! And the others don't treat me like this! And I'm not sure she treats them anywhere near how she does me! I don't hear all their conversations! Other than the other oldest(my 2nd) telling her to stay away since Thanksgivng I think? Or just around Christmas! By the way, she is 42, not a child! Anyway, thank you for letting me vent! Don't know if anyone has any comments or has had this kind of problem but it would be nice to hear whatever will help!? Thanks... CS...See MoreHow to deal with my sister??? Sorry its long
Comments (5)This sister is not the one with weight issues. In fact she is a beautiful girl. But I know she has some self esteem issues. She is on meds for anxiety because she has social anxiety. And she gets mad real quick. She is always mad at at least one sister. Her latest is that she is mad at one of my sisters for being friends with her bf on facebook. Even though her and her bf hung around my other sis and her bf everyday for weeks and they all became friends my sister was mad at her sis and bf for being on eachothers friend list! Its insane....See MorePost Wedding: What to do? (Sorry, v. long)
Comments (16)I thought I would address some of your inquiries - My husband and I most definitely talked/talk about this. We both feel very similarly about the situation, but I think he is more angry because it he felt it was embarrassing and disrespectful. I have let him take the lead in the situation. The last time he spoke to her was over a month ago. I actually encourage he to talk with his sister, but she has been slowly cutting him and the rest of the family off - she changed her cell and home phone numbers and email address and didn't tell anyone. Their grandparents were in a serious car accident a couple of months ago and no one knew how to get a hold of her. I absolutely do not talk about this publicly, however I do talk with my close friends and immediate family - my husband knows what I say and to whom regarding his sister. He does not mind and understands. I don't expect her to apologize for her BF's behavior. I think it would have been nice if she had said that she was sorry that she had to leave the reception so early and that she missed such a special day in her only brother's life. I am over the lack of apology and have been for months. I think that it is really difficult to say that this is only my DH's issue, b/c I am apart of the family now. But, I most definitely differ to my DH's wishes re: what to do in handling his sister. Except I do insist on the following: we send her a Christmas card from us. I have talked to DH about my suspicions about her being in a borderline abusive relationship. They really have all the telltale signs (isolation, withdrawl, dominate personality with strong machoistic tendancies, etc.). We don't believe he is physically abusing her (yet), but we know about the signs. I think we will continue to follow her lead on the direction of the relationship, but we are most definitely vocal about the fact that we care about her and would like nothing more to at least be civil. BTW, I had a wonderful time at my wedding and reception. I didn't realize half of the things that happened were going on until after the honeymoon. My brother, DH's BM and ushers, and other loved ones worked at handling everything discreetly. I think most guests didn't even know that these things happened too. I know my Grandmothers had/have no clue. I guess we will just continue to send cards to her for her birthday and holidays, for now. I guess I just wanted to check to see if DH and I should be doing more. DH and I are extremely close to my family, and it pains me that we can't establish a good relationship with his sister. But, I think I just need to come to terms with the fact that it isn't my fault - she doesn't understand how to have a relationship with anyone in her own family. She actually makes her own Mom cry when they talk by telling their Mom that she is fat and needs to loose weight and criticises her about her hair, clothes, etc. It is awful. Jenny is really mean and horrid to all of these people who love her so much. I truly do not understand her. My DH thinks that there is something broken in his sister - they are sooo different. It is amazing that they are siblings. I believe that she has a predisposition to be mean, but that she has also attached herself to a person (her BF) who is like poison. BF has the attitude that you should only have to do what you want to do no matter what, that he and Jenny are right, if anyone disgrees "F@#! them" - sorry for the language, but I've actually heard his say this before about several people. Sigh! Well, thank you for letting me vent. I wish that there was a solution to making the situation better, but there doesn't seem to be a magic bullet. I just have to let go of the idea that all siblings and families relationships work in a particular way when certain criteria are met - it just isn't so. I wish there was an explaination for her behavior - it just doesn't make any sense to me. Yes, her Mom and Dad aren't perfect, but I think there is something really wrong and illogical to her behavior....See MoreHelp! My daughter hates her step-father!!!
Comments (43)RosieL, just want to put a disclaimer her.. I have no problems with the things you say. Even if I did, I'm not into bashing. I just like the discussion. You remind me of my mother, and I respect my mother very much...YOu make some very good points and I respect how you put children first... so this post is just to play 'devil's advocate' with one of your statments. I have some constructive cricticism.. (I think) on this statement you made... "I think that once we have children ... their well being comes before our happiness and love life. They will be with you for a very short wile and you will have the rest of your life for romancing. " I agree with that to some extent. I mean, I even find myself putting my only child, who happens to be my step son, before my own marriage as far as time, effort, patience, etc.. But isn't it true and important to realize that the children will be happiest when their parents are happy too? I mean, they need a happy home! And if mama ain't happy? lol. I don't think that means that a single parent should throw their kids around to different babbysiters while they go out on dates, etc... but clearly, that is not what is going on here. This person is VERY concerned about her childrens' feelings. The fact is, that she needs to rebuild her home and her marriage and I think she is right to do this for herself and for her daughter/children. LisRac states: "I love my husband and I want to try to make my marriage work. My husband went for counseling and realizes how things he did and things he said were hurtful. He knows he was wrong in a lot of his attitudes and wants to try and make it right (with counseling). I'm scared to hurt my kids or make them unhappy, although I know I can't make my decision based solely on a 12 year old's views." Sounds good to me! I think people get divorced because they give up to soon. That's my take. I think they go through a rough year, or in this case, have a very difficult time making a blended family work... and they simply give up. Listen, all families have problems. Even non-blended families. And no one is perfect. My parents have been 'happily' married for 40 years. God, it's like a fairy tale for them now that the kids are gone, but I remember a couple of those years being sort of... nasty... especially when my sister and I were oh, about... 12!!! I remember my sister hating my Dad for about 2 of those years. He had a lot of 'teasing' issues and picked on her for being lazy. Caused a lot of turmoil for the whole family. They both went into counseling, eventually. Now, she's (almost) Daddy's little girl too. I wouldn't trade my family for the world!! Makes me sick to think that my mom would have given up on my Dad just because my sister practically hated him for two years. Course back then I thought "you jerk!"... knowing what I know now and the kind of man and father he became to me. I'm so glad we never gave up and that we were able to forgive the mistakes that we ALL made. Of course, LisRac needs to be realistic about this man and really decide if this IS what is going to make her, then ultimately her children... happy! I don't know this man. But... he says he wants to try to make it work! Let him be a man and help make it work! LisRac has a chance to have a happy family. It is not going to be easy, and the children will need help through it all... but are they going to be better off without rebuilding a family? Are they not going to learn and grow and become stronger by going through these changes and accepting another human being...who they may even grow to love? ... into their lives? The potential is awesome. I mean, just think... if LisRac and her family work through this and rebuild their home... what a strong family that could be! That may seem a little idealistic... but I'm a glass is half-full kind of person, I guess!...See Morebrass_tacks
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