A Therapist’s Guide to Dealing With Conflict at Home
Piles of laundry and dirty dishes are a part of cohabitating. Here’s how to accept it and move forward
Mitchell Parker
March 9, 2016
Houzz Editorial Staff. Home design journalist writing about cool spaces, innovative trends, breaking news, industry analysis and humor.
Houzz Editorial Staff. Home design journalist writing about cool spaces, innovative... More
As you probably know, living with someone comes with a few irritations. For some couples, these can lead to repeated arguments or even separation. But according to Andrew Gottlieb, a clinical psychologist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy, it’s more complicated than something like messy dishes left near the sink. “The core issue is communication,” he says. “It’s not dishes that cause divorce. It’s lousy communication between the couple.”
The Moral High Ground
Gottlieb says problems with things like piles of laundry and dirty dishes arise when one person takes the moral high ground. That person is usually the “neater” person. “The neat person says, ‘This is the right thing to do and you’re in the wrong and you should change,’ ” Gottlieb says. “We’ve been so inculturated that cleanliness and neatness is better than the opposite, and the messy person almost always falls for that and gets defensive and frustrated.”
In other words, individuals have different ideas on what constitutes clean or tidy, and when and how often housekeeping tasks should be performed. “If you’re cleaning the bathroom three times a day and resent your partner for not doing the same, that’s your preference to have such a clean bathroom,” Gottlieb says. “If it’s important to you, it’s your responsibility to meet the very high standard.”
Gottlieb says problems with things like piles of laundry and dirty dishes arise when one person takes the moral high ground. That person is usually the “neater” person. “The neat person says, ‘This is the right thing to do and you’re in the wrong and you should change,’ ” Gottlieb says. “We’ve been so inculturated that cleanliness and neatness is better than the opposite, and the messy person almost always falls for that and gets defensive and frustrated.”
In other words, individuals have different ideas on what constitutes clean or tidy, and when and how often housekeeping tasks should be performed. “If you’re cleaning the bathroom three times a day and resent your partner for not doing the same, that’s your preference to have such a clean bathroom,” Gottlieb says. “If it’s important to you, it’s your responsibility to meet the very high standard.”
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Acceptance
Gottlieb is big on acceptance. Let’s say your partner always leaves a wet towel on the bed after a shower. Instead of getting angry with your partner, spending time tracking him or her down to give them an earful because they can’t seem to remember, try accepting the fact that they have trouble breaking the habit, take the five seconds to hang the towel back up and consider it a gift of love. “Acceptance is the most powerful tool,” Gottlieb says.
Once you accept the situation, then you can work on solving the problem by negotiating and compromising, tackling the task yourself or by hiring the task out to a cleaning service or some other professional if you can afford it. If all else fails, try speaking with a professional.
Gottlieb is big on acceptance. Let’s say your partner always leaves a wet towel on the bed after a shower. Instead of getting angry with your partner, spending time tracking him or her down to give them an earful because they can’t seem to remember, try accepting the fact that they have trouble breaking the habit, take the five seconds to hang the towel back up and consider it a gift of love. “Acceptance is the most powerful tool,” Gottlieb says.
Once you accept the situation, then you can work on solving the problem by negotiating and compromising, tackling the task yourself or by hiring the task out to a cleaning service or some other professional if you can afford it. If all else fails, try speaking with a professional.
Ability vs. Willingness
Any number of things can prevent someone from performing a task, and it’s not always physical. Some people are more skilled at multitasking, organizing and remembering to do things than others. Something like always remembering to close the cabinet doors and drawers in the kitchen might seem simple to you, but to your partner it might be a real struggle. “You don’t get mad at your spouse because they don’t play violin well,” Gottlieb says. “Most people can’t learn to play terrifically. One can learn to be neater, but it may be difficult. And some of these behaviors are not important enough to them to learn.”
In other words, even if they have the ability, they may not be willing. What’s more, Gottlieb says, your partner could have a lifelong condition like ADHD that actually prevents them from remembering to stay on top of these things, or makes it extremely difficult to do so.
Any number of things can prevent someone from performing a task, and it’s not always physical. Some people are more skilled at multitasking, organizing and remembering to do things than others. Something like always remembering to close the cabinet doors and drawers in the kitchen might seem simple to you, but to your partner it might be a real struggle. “You don’t get mad at your spouse because they don’t play violin well,” Gottlieb says. “Most people can’t learn to play terrifically. One can learn to be neater, but it may be difficult. And some of these behaviors are not important enough to them to learn.”
In other words, even if they have the ability, they may not be willing. What’s more, Gottlieb says, your partner could have a lifelong condition like ADHD that actually prevents them from remembering to stay on top of these things, or makes it extremely difficult to do so.
Bidding Wars
Gottlieb suggests creating a bidding system to find out what a certain chore or task is worth to you and your partner. Take shutting the kitchen cabinet doors as an example. You could offer to pay your partner $100 a day or offer an hourlong massage every night if he or she will remember to close the cabinet doors. Now you have a valid test of whether he or she is willing to make the change but is simply unable to.
It also shows pretty quickly what it’s worth to you. Would you be willing to offer compensation to your partner to do what you think should be done, or would you conclude that you’re better off just closing the cabinet doors yourself and not complaining about it?
Gottlieb suggests creating a bidding system to find out what a certain chore or task is worth to you and your partner. Take shutting the kitchen cabinet doors as an example. You could offer to pay your partner $100 a day or offer an hourlong massage every night if he or she will remember to close the cabinet doors. Now you have a valid test of whether he or she is willing to make the change but is simply unable to.
It also shows pretty quickly what it’s worth to you. Would you be willing to offer compensation to your partner to do what you think should be done, or would you conclude that you’re better off just closing the cabinet doors yourself and not complaining about it?
Peter Pearson, who, with his wife, Ellyn Bader, founded The Couples Institute in the early 1980s and has counseled couples and trained therapists ever since, says a bidding system often works only for a little while before people go back to their old ways.
To tackle clutter in their home, he and Bader tried several approaches, from hiring a cleaning professional to setting up a gold star chart for Pearson. “Everything worked for a while, then collapsed,” he says. When couples try to negotiate an exchange — such as you do the dishes while your partner tackles the laundry — without having a larger goal in mind, the arrangement often breaks down over time.
While it’s important to do experimental negotiations that you revisit every week or two to see how you can improve or change agreements, what’s also effective is figuring out if you and your partner respond better to verbal appreciation or behavioral appreciation.
To tackle clutter in their home, he and Bader tried several approaches, from hiring a cleaning professional to setting up a gold star chart for Pearson. “Everything worked for a while, then collapsed,” he says. When couples try to negotiate an exchange — such as you do the dishes while your partner tackles the laundry — without having a larger goal in mind, the arrangement often breaks down over time.
While it’s important to do experimental negotiations that you revisit every week or two to see how you can improve or change agreements, what’s also effective is figuring out if you and your partner respond better to verbal appreciation or behavioral appreciation.
A Happy Accident
After working hard to clean up the house one day for Bader, Pearson was surprised when he responded positively to her verbal praise of what he’d done. She told him how much she appreciated him, how she felt like the home was a place of refuge and she could relax, and how she felt like she treated Pearson better because of it.
Pearson realized then that he thrives on verbal appreciation, while Bader likes behavioral expression more. In other words, Pearson likes being told when something he’s done is appreciated. Bader likes gratitude expressed in the act of cleaning. Pearson wanted to be told he was appreciated. Bader just wanted the house clean.
“People tend to give what they want,” Pearson says. “The problem with the Golden Rule — do unto others as you would have them do unto you — is that sometimes the other person doesn’t want what you want. A better rule, a Platinum Rule, would be to find out what your partner wants and make it happen by working together. They need to function as a team. It’s the best antidote to selfishness in a relationship.”
After working hard to clean up the house one day for Bader, Pearson was surprised when he responded positively to her verbal praise of what he’d done. She told him how much she appreciated him, how she felt like the home was a place of refuge and she could relax, and how she felt like she treated Pearson better because of it.
Pearson realized then that he thrives on verbal appreciation, while Bader likes behavioral expression more. In other words, Pearson likes being told when something he’s done is appreciated. Bader likes gratitude expressed in the act of cleaning. Pearson wanted to be told he was appreciated. Bader just wanted the house clean.
“People tend to give what they want,” Pearson says. “The problem with the Golden Rule — do unto others as you would have them do unto you — is that sometimes the other person doesn’t want what you want. A better rule, a Platinum Rule, would be to find out what your partner wants and make it happen by working together. They need to function as a team. It’s the best antidote to selfishness in a relationship.”
No i in Team
Pearson likes the acronym TEAM (Together Each Accomplishes More). “Ask yourself, ‘Why are we together? What kind of relationship do we want to create?’ ” he says. “It’s like a startup: ‘Why are we in business? What are we trying to do?’ You won’t be successful without continuing to revisit the mission. ‘Why’ gives you the motivation to get there. When we lose our ‘why,’ we lose our way.”
In other words, ask what’s going to be required of you to bring about the kind of relationship you envision. How does putting dishes away affect your partner, your teammate? What might be inconvenient for you can have a huge effect on your partner.
The team analogy is also good for applying to the ability-versus-willingness scenario. Imagine a pickup basketball team, for example. Maybe the person who’s playing point guard is struggling. Perhaps he or she would work better as a shooting guard instead. When it comes to tasks around the house, and negotiations, it helps to switch things up when they’re not working and find the right arrangement for your team that highlights each person’s abilities.
Pearson likes the acronym TEAM (Together Each Accomplishes More). “Ask yourself, ‘Why are we together? What kind of relationship do we want to create?’ ” he says. “It’s like a startup: ‘Why are we in business? What are we trying to do?’ You won’t be successful without continuing to revisit the mission. ‘Why’ gives you the motivation to get there. When we lose our ‘why,’ we lose our way.”
In other words, ask what’s going to be required of you to bring about the kind of relationship you envision. How does putting dishes away affect your partner, your teammate? What might be inconvenient for you can have a huge effect on your partner.
The team analogy is also good for applying to the ability-versus-willingness scenario. Imagine a pickup basketball team, for example. Maybe the person who’s playing point guard is struggling. Perhaps he or she would work better as a shooting guard instead. When it comes to tasks around the house, and negotiations, it helps to switch things up when they’re not working and find the right arrangement for your team that highlights each person’s abilities.
In one exercise Pearson conducts with couples, he shows two videos on his computer. The first is a motivational speech given by Al Pacino in the movie Any Given Sunday. “There’s so much for couples, women and men, in that clip that they get,” Pearson says.
Next he shows them a clip on how geese work together. He then asks each person to write down identifying traits or qualities of an effective couple. The exercise shows that most couples will describe an effective team without ever having read or been taught what those qualities are — being understanding, patient, a good listener, for example. After that, the lists are combined and used as a framework for the relationship and communication. When a conflict arises, the couple can return to the guidelines and check to see if they are in alignment.
This helps couples get past the focus on small irritations and instead to a plan of working together toward a bigger goal. “When there’s an unbalanced, unfair, unequal distribution of roles and responsibilities around the house, one or both people have lost sight of the bigger picture,” Pearson says. “That’s when it’s time to refer back to ‘Why are we together? What kind of world do we want to create?’ ”
More
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Next he shows them a clip on how geese work together. He then asks each person to write down identifying traits or qualities of an effective couple. The exercise shows that most couples will describe an effective team without ever having read or been taught what those qualities are — being understanding, patient, a good listener, for example. After that, the lists are combined and used as a framework for the relationship and communication. When a conflict arises, the couple can return to the guidelines and check to see if they are in alignment.
This helps couples get past the focus on small irritations and instead to a plan of working together toward a bigger goal. “When there’s an unbalanced, unfair, unequal distribution of roles and responsibilities around the house, one or both people have lost sight of the bigger picture,” Pearson says. “That’s when it’s time to refer back to ‘Why are we together? What kind of world do we want to create?’ ”
More
How to Remodel Your Relationship While Remodeling Your Home
10 Truly Irritating Things Your Partner Does in the Kitchen
14 Things You Need to Start Doing Now for Your Spouse’s Sake
Scott Davidson founded Davidson Builders in 1998. Scott graduated from Michigan State with a BS in Construction... Read More
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jK, book a relaxing holiday for you all, far away from technology.
As I'm a housewive I always imagine how my husband works 8h a day to earn our money for living, so I find, I can clean the house/entertain the children 8h a day. Since I never make it to clean this long I always think, my husband works more than me. And my husband thinks, my job is much more stressfull than his (especially the children) so he thinks I work more than him. So we never argue about that.
To JK (and others who have commented),
Controlling, abusive and reactive behaviors are common among people who have been abused themselves in some way. If your husband was "bullied" by siblings, and is now even mildly verbally abusive and controlling, that should send up a huge red flag for you. He needs help and counseling. So do you.
I know many abuse victims, my mother-in-law and former best friend from high school to name two, and they are not easy to have a relationship with. You never know what might set them off and have them suddenly yelling at you, or blaming you for whatever the issue is. Their lives were so out of control as children that they need to be in control at all times for their own perceived protection as adults. They live with irrational fears and much anger. One book I read (Pain and Pretending by Rich Buhler) described the abuse as the "season of destruction" and the way abuse victims live after it's over as a "pretend" existence. They believe it's all right to abuse someone else because they have little grasp of the reality of their actions.
My mother-in-law has told me terrible horror stories of what she and her twelve or thirteen siblings endured as a child growing up in extreme poverty with an abusive alcoholic father. My husband remembers abusive behavior from her as a child that she insists never happened. She lives in a pretend world. Her anger is irrational and volatile. She has screamed at mechanics and bank tellers and custodians in the hospital when they weren't doing for her what she felt they were supposed to. In her mid-seventies now, with severe health issues, she has mellowed a bit but is not going to change, and I know she has dealt with a lot of it over the years, but I still wish she could find a greater measure of peace. I pray for her often.
So -- please consider finding someone to talk to who can help you, even if your spouse never gets help himself. Perhaps you can find some peace and some good coping skills.