How old is she? I am guessing about 10 or 11?

Has she had a thorough educational evaluation - neuropsych, occupational therapist, speech and language? It sounds like she could have a processing disability like my youngest does.

I was going to ask the same questions as TOS --

Seriously - Is it possible/likely there's a learning disability?

She is now 11. She has extra help in school with a reading specialist because she does not read on grade level. She was diagnosed with add in kindergarten, but we don't put much stock in that diagnosis. Her private school kindergarten teacher said she did not stay focused and told her parents to see their doctor because she must have add! They went to a 10 minute dr. appt where the dr. talked to them and my sd, then 5, interrupted their conversation twice. (what 5 yr old doesn't interrupt?) The dr said, yup-definately add-give her meds. No other reason for the diagnosis!

So, she was on and off meds for a few years. When I met my dh we took her off meds altogether. She was still acting the same as far as slow and not focused, but the difference on meds was she was sad all the time and had no appetite and just wanted to lay in bed. Not healthy!

But, like I said she was doing wonderfully for a long time. Her problem lately seems like more of an "i don't care" thing than a real problem. That is why we are frustrated! And I am sure that her weeks in "YESLAND", where her mom tried to buy her love and let her do anything she wanted and told her all kinds of bad things about her father and I contributed greatly to the situation.

I knew as soon as I read your first post that she had to be about 11. Has she been hanging out with my 11 year old daughter? I started laughing when I read your first post (I am sure you don't think it's funny), because in the last few months, my daughter has done just about everything your SD is doing, and she hasn't done anything or gone anywhere particularly stressful. It is like they are reading the same book. It's especially fun when I ask her to stop doing "xyz" (like hitting someone with her sports equipment when she turns around) and she says, "I'm not doing "xyz." Yet, I can see her doing whatever it is right in front of me. Some of the answers she put down on her worksheets last year were really off the wall. She spent more time complaining about them than doing them. And the summer reading assignments were even worse. When my daughter was complaining the other day, one of my friends, who is very fond of my daughter, said (with some surprise) "She sounds like a teenager."

I've been there, done that, a bunch of times before. One of her older sisters commented today that she was annoying when she was 11, and I had to agree. Of course now that she is a actual teenager, she is practically perfect in every way...

The change in your SD's behavior could be purely developmental. Has your SD grown a lot in the past year? Is she starting to approach puberty? My daughter has grown at least 4 inches in the last year, and lately her speed has gone from very slow to positively tortoise-like. She has always been the last one to get ready to leave the classroom, etc. I am not particularly looking forward to the start of the school year. Luckily no one has suggested that she might have ADD, possibly because she had already been diagnosed with other learning disabilities. She has similar focusing problems, though.

TOS is right ... she sounds EXACTLY like my 11-year-old niece. She nearly makes her mother pull her hair out, particularly with the slowness factor. Her mother says she can tell her to get dressed, go downstairs and come back 15 minutes later and she has one sock on. LOL

My mother complained of the same thing of all of her preadolescent daughters. Has your SD had the "you're about to become a woman" talk? Mom used that as a way of inducing responsible behavior and assessing the preteen's needs. She'd sit down with us, individually, and say, "Honey, you're about to become a young woman." From there would come a talk about periods and boys and confusing feelings and all those other teenage things. She'd also present us with a "goodie box". The box was usually relatively inexpensive, but was filled with samples of deodorant, lotions, mouthwash, feminine hygiene supplies, a little makeup, razors, etc. All the things a girl needs to be a girl. She'd end the talk by saying, "I know there are going to be days when you hate me. You may feel sad, angry, upset, then happy the next minute. It's all normal. But if you need someone to talk to, you can always talk to me. And remember that I love you." She did the same with her granddaughters.

This may not solve all the problems, but it certainly can't hurt.

This is what I would do. I might even take "just her" out of school on one particular day, and I would arrange it ahead of time with her teacher on a day when little was happening. And I would tell her that, say that on Tuesday (or what ever day you choose) is _______ day. (insert her name). Tell her on that day, she is going to have a special day. You are not rewarding bad behavior, but instead, getting her back on track with your family. It would be a day when just the two of you go out to a special lunch. You go for a long walk while the other kids are in school. You hand her a piece of paper that says "pass" on it, and tell her that this special paper gives her the opportunity to say and talk about whatever she wants to say. Even if it "hurts" for you to hear...let her get it out. And simply listen...really, really listen, and try not to be defensive, etc. Let her talk about what is on her heart, and about her time with her mother. Just let her get it out, and bite your tongue as best you can, as she tells you things you may or may not want to hear. I am imagining that since you and your DH have custody of her, and that her mother moved out of state away from her child, that this "mother" is not mother of the year. Was this young girl "safe" while with her mother? Could something have "happened" or do you simply think that it is as simple as her mother bad mouthing you and your DH, to try and make herself look better in her daughters eyes? Could the slowness be depression or profound discouragement and hopeless feelings created by a mother who "chooses" to be absent from her little girls life? Could it be a young girl who struggles internally with the conflicts over the disappoint with who this mother of hers really is, and not understanding these feelings or how to cope with them?

Let her talk about the good, the bad and the ugly. And then you will know what she is struggling with, and what is creating the problems. Some of the problems may go away, simply because she is able to talk about them and get them out, and not keeping them inside creating havoc. I would work with her so that the feelings she is experiencing do not take hold and turn into anger, rage, and all that can make a teenager so difficult.

Yes, part of the behavior is part of being 11. And yet, this young girl has more going on than that. Most cannot imagine their "mother" abandoning them at such an age. I remember reading about the actress Meg Ryan whose mother did this, and the pain this caused the actress for years. How she will have no relationship with this mother who abandoned her as a young girl.

It might also be the time to talk to her about the "facts of life" and I love the idea of a special box filled with girl goodies, like feminine products, deodorant, lip gloss, etc, for you and she to anticipate and acknowledge the changes that will be coming in the next year or two.

IMO, you can get a lot more of what you want from her with honey (understanding) than with anger and punishment.

***I want to add that depending on her fathers personality and relationship with his daughter, all of this might be better if her dad does this with with his young daughter. He might better be able to discuss the things on her heart regarding her mother (and the disappointments) the divorce from her mother, the behavior of her mother, and perhaps some of the things her mother may have told her. If you both decide that your husband should open up these lines of communication with his daughter, tell him to listen...listen...and listen and let her simply "talk" and get all of this out. Sometimes, feeling really "heard and understood" can relieve feelings of depression, etc.

But to me, what this child needs more than anything is to talk and work through some of what she must be feeling about her mother, and the disappointment in her, and the guilt for being disappointed, and the realization deep down of who this mother of hers really is, and her lack of presence in her daughter life.

Is she the oldest? Does she have a natural sibling that lives with her, or are the other children in the house yours, or children you and her father had together, after getting married?

I guess to help you feel compassion, instead of frustration and anger with her, is to try and understand her. Can you imagine if your own parents had divorced, and you went to live with your father and his new wife. And your mom just moved away, out of state for either a job, or a lover, and you were left behind? Even though your dad's new wife might be nice enough, there would still be a struggle over why your mom moved away, and left you. Ya know?

I think you are doing a good job in trying to help this young girl, and trying to work with her, and understand her struggles.

This is just my take on the whole thing.

And last, because she struggles in school, can you find something that she is good at, and encourage her in this area, so that she feels good about herself. For example, is she creative and can you help her to learn to choose recipes and cook special meals once a week for the family. Make sure that the other children in the family are positive about her efforts. She could watch the cooking show and try making a simple dinner, letting her do most of it but you being nearby to lend a hand here and there, but give her all of the credit and make a big deal out of her efforts.

Or a sport, etc., so that she builds good feelings about herself.

It must be hard to be the one in school who struggles so, because there are always those "perfect" girls who are so bright and their parents make sure they are on top.

Perhaps you could explain to her that every one has gifts, and where she may struggle in one area, she may excel in another. And the students who are so bright, will have other areas where they have struggles others may not know about. That some may be great in math, but find vocab a struggle. others may find vocab a breeze, but struggle with math.

Anyway, help her find something to feel good about, because a mother's abandonment can set her up right off the bat to feel bad about herself.

Anyway, hang in there, and I applaud your efforts at helping this young girl!

P.S. Sorry my response was so long. I was just writing as I was thinking, and the house was quiet, and so I sort of went on and on. I hope you don't mind, and can find your way through it and find something that might be useful.

Thank you all for your advice! I LOVE the "goodie box" idea, but unfortunately I had the "talk" with her a while ago because she started needing to wear a bra and going through some development. So, I have already given her the contents of the box. Bnicebkind you gave me a lot to think about and some wonderful advice. Today she has a friend over for the night, but maybe tomorrow night I will sit down and let her talk and get everything out. Her and her dad are close, but she usually tends to come to me for advice and to talk so I figure that I should sit down with her.

She did find 2 activities at school that she wants to join so we are signing her up for those this next week. We were hoping that he developing skills at something she likes may give her confidence in school and other areas.

I had one last thought. If she is your DH only child from his previous marriage, and if the other children are much younger if you had them together with her father, is it possible if a female relative like her grandmother, or an aunt, or a trusted female friend, could do something special with her twice a month. It could be as simple as her spending time with one of them learning to knit, cook, garden, play music and help Grandma clean, or make pies, etc. Something to help her feel another healthy bond, to help fill the hole in her heart of her mother somewhat abandoning her. It would also give you special time with your other children if they are a lot younger. But simple things like this (if she is in a safe environment) can help her feel good about herself, and grow up into a healthier adult. It can also ease feelings of discouragement, or depression, and help her to function better at home with you. If she is struggling in school, sometimes it helps so much to have someone other than you or your DH tutor her, or help her with school work, as it can ease so much tension between you. I know several people who do this, because some children are so difficult and frustrating for a parent to try and teach. That the tutor helps the atmosphere at home be so much more pleasant.

Anyway, I wish you the best, and applaud you for your efforts and kindness in trying to help her. You sound like a good mom!