Well, I don't see a problem with the child here. Its with the man you married. I think that this is probably how it was before the marriage, too and it won't change. The baby issue should have been resolved prior to marriage because that would have been a major ... non negotiable point with me. I wish I could provide some help. You sound like a very loving, devoted person (anyone that knows all the Pokemon is a saint), but it sounds as if its a one way street. I think its great that DH is such a quality time Dad, but he's not so as a husband. Very inconsiderate. Sounds as if he is doing as he wants and if you want, you're welcome to tag along as long as you keep yourself occupied and out of his hair. I'll bet his Dad treats his Mom the same way. So when Grandpa, Dad and Son head off hunting, you and the Grandma will be doing dishes and preparing the next meal? Sounds like fun to me. What's not to like!!

Granted that a short message does not a complete picture of you life make, most of this doesn't sound like a huge problem; a problem, yes, but not a huge one. You basically summed it up here:

> I totally accept that my DH still feels guilty about being divorced and not being with his son full time. And that SS needs his dad and demands full time attention.

The father is granting his son 2 weekends and 4 wednesdays a month, while you get all the rest, right? Doesn't seem like that's a bad thing, unless the father is being irresponsible about his spending on the son.

On the other hand, I can see where you'd be upset if the father is committing you to stuff viz the thanksgiving plans without telling you first.

2 pieces of advice:
* first, remind your husband -- in as non-adversarial way as possible -- that you should be consulted in holiday plans and the like, and weekend activities in general. Maybe ask him to imagine how he would feel if you came home with plane tickets to your folks' place for xmas without asking first, or something similar. Don't do this in front of the SS.

Also, keep in mind what your real goal is, and act accordingly. If your goal is to change behaviors, then getting into a screaming match (which is not to imply that you would :) ) is not going to achieve it. If on the other hand, what you really want is something different....more on this at the end of this message.

* secondly, seems like you're being reactive rather than proactive -- the father makes plans, and you're hurt because you weren't consulted. Try turning this on its head -- sit down with the father and *you* think up a bunch of stuff to do with him and the SS, and plan them together. Start way in advance, as the father prob already has stuff planned coming up.

Here's a for-instance: don't know where you live, but where I grew up, there was an ice-slide we used to go to in the winter, in january or feb. Blocks of ice were set up as a slide down a steep hill which then emptied out over a frozen lake. So if there's something like that around for you, talk to your husband and see if he'd be interested -- and it's far enough in advance that it wouldn't be trumped by 'we've already got plans'.

Here's a question for you -- is your objection to the activities more 'I wasn't consulted' or more 'the things they like to do bore me to tears'? If it's the second, then any amount of planning or discussion beforehand is not going to increase your enjoyment, I think.

Next, the point I referred to earlier:

> I would like to have a baby but DH feels like he already has a child and doesnt really want anymore.

This seems to be the real hitch in the getalong right here. The other problems can either be talked about, dealt with, ignored, what have you, but this one can't. Again, not knowing you, I'd say that this is the *real* problem, and that the other stuff is just you gearing up to have a real fight over this one. You really will want to have a serious talk with your husband over this. Some stuff to keep in mind:

* encouraging your husband's relationship with his other son may soften him on wanting one with you (I may be talking complete nonsense, of course)
* figure out why he doesn't want another child -- did his previous marriage sour immediately after having a kid? Is a child not financially possible right now?
* ask yourself if alternatives -- adoption, fostering -- would be acceptible to the both of you

If having a child is *very* important to you -- particularly if it's more important than your husband -- then this is going to eat you up.

Just a thought here, but I think a good starting place would be to have him read this thread. It's hard to believe that husband doesn't know what he's doing, but who knows---he's a man. (sorry guys)

Your first need is a real conversation with DH. If it takes a counselor to run interference, than so be it. Dr Phil would love this one, why don't you e-mail him about it?
j

Thanks Rosie and Joe. Some good advice from you both.
I guess to clarify a couple of things. Before I agreed to marry DH, we talked about having more children. I said that I didnt want them yet (2 years ago) but that I was pretty sure that the time would come when I would, and he needed to be open to that idea. He agreed. But now when I bring it up, he gets all disgusted, like Im trying to control his time and his life- which he feels is full. Basically, there's "SS Time" and "his time". He doesnt seem to view it as all "our family time".
DH says that he divorced because his ex was so controlling and always making plans for him. He wanted his freedom to do the things that he wanted.
Before we married, I was so busy- lots of overtime and travel with work, volunteering, my own place, friends, etc. I recently quit my job (with DH's encouragement)and I guess that the time alone at home has made me want a family more. Perhaps the old biological clock is ticking now (Im 32). Having a baby isnt more important to me than my husband is, but I dont want to wake up in a few years feeling like I missed out on something wonderful, or resenting DH because he has it "all". No matter how much I love my SS, he will never be as close with me as to his BM and dad.
Side note- BM is now pregnant and SS isnt happy about the thought of losing all of the attention. DH sees this and doesnt want to contribute.
Thank you again for your responses. I will try to be more proactive.

SS isn't happy about the new baby huh? Sucks to be him then. If you want a baby, and your husband is feeding you the "I have a family" line, then give it up. He doesn't want kids, and what he said to you prior to the marriage about MAYBE, or SOMEDAY, was just to pacify you. I hear your resentment; your feeling left out, ignored, and treated like hired help. You Definitely need to sit your husband down and have a chat about respect, and compromise. So he wants to camp out and fish with the boysokÂ.why canÂt you go? Why arenÂt you included? Ask him. Why arenÂt you consulted on plans that involve you? Sounds like he is treating YOU the way his ex wife treated HIMÂremind him how it felt, maybe heÂll wake up a bit.

> Sounds like he is treating YOU the way his ex wife treated HIMremind him how it felt, maybe hell wake up a bit.

Good advice.

Let me ask you this -- why does your husband think that having you along on these outings is a "bad" thing? Do the three of you not click? Arguments and such with the SS? Or just territoriality? (ie my son, my time, blahdy-blah) If it's that second thing, maybe don't adopt an all-or-nothing stance.

Actually, thinking about it, this could actually be fun. I was originally thinking about, well, don't push to be involved in *everything*, but maybe on a couple of the wednesdays, or one of the weekends. But, there's this thing that toddlers do called 'parallel play' where they play next to each other, but not necessarily *with* each other. Maybe you could adopt the concept -- like, go to a place with a bunch of hiking trails with the husband, the SS, and some third person -- hey, particularly if the third person is JoeFosterChildEquivalent viz alternatives to having a child (I'm on a roll today :) ) -- and you and the third person go down one trail, the father and the ss go down another trail, you meet at a designated place for lunch, and then maybe switch partners for the trip back to the car. So basically, there's some alone time for the father and SS, and some together time for you and whomever. Maybe try to open both you and your husband to this kind of grey-area thinking so that neither you nor he get entranched in black-and-white arguments.

Re: greying your thinking: The best advice I ever saw on any divorce/custody/etc website was one regarding visitation for geographically separated parents. The husband wanted the child for 3month stretches (or something like that); the advice was -- well, why can't the custodial parent have vistation during these long visits? Although it was painfully obvious, I had never thought of this before.

At all times keep in mind a) does the importance of the problem merit how far I've escalated the emotional conflict over it (ie, keep a sense of humor and stay calm -- goes for both parties) and b) your goal. Sun Tsu (I think) Art of War thinking -- best way to win is away from the battlefield, and always allow your opponent to save face, because that defuses conflict in the future.

Is there some reason that your husband doesn't want his son to bond with you? Is there some reason that the son doesn't want to bond with you?

I agree with Mikkella -- hard cheese on the SS if he doesn't like the idea of having a brother or sister. My 3 year old likes throwing himself on the ground and punching himself in the head when he hears stuff he doesn't want to hear -- doesn't necessarily make punching yourself in the head a good idea. That said, there's ways of easing him into the idea -- letting him help decorate the baby's room, etc. Give him a sense of control over the situation.

I really don't know what to say about the want-a-child/don't-want-a-child problem.

> He wanted his freedom to do the things that he wanted.

Welp, having another child is not going to contribute to that, let me tell you. :) If this in fact reflects your husband's thinking, then there you go -- he wants the ability and the time and cash resources to have adult- or at least older-child fun.

You may be stuck on this problem, with this guy. Dunno.

It sounds to me like your husband is acting like he is still single. He has not integrated you into his world yet. You need to have a talk (knock down drag out if that's what it takes)! If I treated my wife with that much disrespect and neglect I had better hope the doghouse is a two-seater.

You are right, I havent yet become integrated into DH's world yet- no joint bank account, mortgage, input on purchasing decisions, holiday planning, SS guidelines-like bedtime. I guess that these things take time to work out. We've discussed them, and our ideas are pretty different about how they should be handled.
Let me clarify a couple of things about myself- Im not a crazy spender, have made it clear that I wont divorce DH and "take him for all he's worth". Up until recently, Ive always worked and been very responsible financially. I know that Ive got better parenting skills than SS's BM. At least at our house he gets a balanced meal- instead of cheese for dinner. We work on homework, crafts and play outside- instead of only videos and gameboy. Im attractive, sociable, handy, a good cook and a good stepparent. I dont know what DH's problem is!
Ok, back to the issue- how do I integrate myself into DH's life. And how to I integrate myself into DH & SS time together and DH's time. I dont know if his problem is that SS is so demanding of his attention that DH is plum out of attention to give or if it just never occurred to DH that weekends and holidays for me arent the most fun spent alone or alone with the in-laws.
Joetypist, here is an example of a family outing that I suggested and we went on- I thought, the state fair, it will be fun, lots of stuff to do together. Animals, tractors, worlds biggest potato, games. We spent 3 hours of me holding the sunglasses, sodas and prizes won by and for SS, while DH & SS went on every 2 seater ride at the fair. I swear, I wanted to ask somebody elses kid to go on a ride with me. SS is very shy and wouldnt go on a ride (like buddied up with another child) without dad. But hey, it is SS's weekend. Im the adult. I can hold the sodas. I dont mind most of the time. But its pretty constant.
Or wedding reception was a nightmare because SS wouldnt play with any of the other kids, wouldnt eat, wouldnt be introduced to anyone. I spent almost the whole reception, when he wasnt clinging to DH's leg, chasing him down because he jumped the fence or was "being mean" to my neices. Me-"Ss wont you come and have something to eat, wouldnt you like to play soccer with the other kids, wouldnt you like to go see the horses, wouldnt you like some cake". He was just miserable the whole afternoon because it wasn't based around him. He even bit DH. (ps, I got to hold SS's jacket & tie).
Which leads me back to the original Disney dad subject. DH's so busy trying to make SS happy (and next himself happy) that he forgets that Im there.
Thank you guys for your responses and letting me sound off a little. I know that none of this is the end of the world. Just nice to talk to others about it:)

You said something in your last post that made me so angry that I had to respond. You have no right to say that your parenting skills are better. If you had a friend over and you said that your parenting skills were better, dont you think she would get a little peeved about that. that is basically what you have done. Many probles occur when a stepparent comes in and tried to raise a child as they would have raised their own. That is not what needs to be done. This is not your son. I am disgusted that you would put his mother down like that. It is her business how she raised her son. None of yours. It doesnt sound to me like he is in any harm. He sounds like a rational well adjusted child. His parents divorced of course he is going to want to be around them. That is natural. It sounds to me like you are jealous of the fact that he has a child and doesnt really want one with you. That he has this bond with a child that you will never have. I think if he wants to spend time with his son let him. He sees his dad every other weekend. This is not much at all. In a time when a lot of dad's shirk their responsibilies once the divorce papers are signed I applaud his efforts to keep in mind that he has a child and that is the most important priority.

Sorry if i went into a rant.

> You have no right to say that your parenting skills are better
>> At least at our house he gets a balanced meal- instead of cheese for dinner.

Dunno; catsndogs sounded better to me. If you're talking about objective childraising type stuff like nutritious food, or paying attention (in a good way) to the child, then IMHO you surely *can* say you're better at it than another person. It's the subjective stuff that it's harder/impossible to say one way or the other.

Just because someone's biologically related to you doesn't mean there's anything magical about the relationship, nor does it make them any good at parenting. Trust me.

On the other hand, doesn't mean there's not, either. :)

catsndogs -- sounds like to a certain extent the child is playing his dad, and to a certain extent the child is just doing his job. A baby's job is to cry -- so we shouldn't be to mad when he's really laying into it. He's just doing his job. A seven year old's job -- he's 7 right? -- is to be weird about social situations. On the other hand, biting? Sheesh.

Sounds like at least one of the things that you and your husband need to talk about if you want to change the SS's behavior is "double-teaming on the SS". If you're always 'do you want to, do you want to' to the child, I'm betting he's getting a kick out of forcing you to do this all the time -- both through control of you, and the attention he's getting from you. Same sort of thing as a person playing 'yes, but' when you try to give them constructive advice about something. "I hate my hair color." "You could dye it black." "Yes, but dyes make my scalp itch." Same sort of thing. A way around this is for dad to stop being a safe haven for the boy. When he's acting like a brat, the both of you ignore him. (Or whatever's appropriate to the situation, as long as it's coordinated between the two of you.)

Perhaps a 3rd grown up would have been appropriate on the fair trip -- that way you and the father could have ridden on some rides together, and you and the boy, and the boy and the 3rd person....etc. To show both the father and the boy that the boy is not the center of the universe -- but at the same time having him uncluded *in* the universe of your fam, if you see what I'm saying.

The family is the dog, the boy is the tail.

The short of it is, if you're not coming at this as a team, the boy is going to be playing the both of you.

Which brings me to

> This is not your son.

Neither is he a housemate or an acquiantance. He's this nebulous 'step' kind of thing wherein you don't have the ability to steamroller him but you do have responsibility
for his physical etc wellbeing while he's in your care. Plus a desire for normal, friendly relations with a possibly interesting person.

I think going way out of your way to involve the son in activities before you and your husband coordinate your parenting efforts is bound to repeat history. Until you discuss this with your DH, I'd say maybe allow the child to participate in fun things you happen to be doing already, but don't let your fun be dependant on his involvement.

Go on a fair ride by yourself. Invite him along, but if he doesn't want to, you go anyway.

In a manner of speaking, anyway. :)

Hey, not every parent has developed good parenting skills. Probably why there are so many books and classes available for parents. Things like helping to instill self confidence and creativity by reading with a child or doing activities together that allow the child to try new things, providing a well balanced diet, encouraging things like tooth brushing, basic table manners and saying please and thank you. Lots of this stuff gets overlooked. People are busy.
I know that my SS is not my bio son. I still want him to be happy and healthy.

Joe, I like the >>The family is the dog, the boy is the tail.DH and I are having a talk tonight about making plans. Im going to tell him that I feel left out sometimes and see if we can come up with some whole family things to do over Thanksgiving. Its probably the most important that we keep trying to communicate and work through things together.

Thanks for all the feedback and great ideas!

CatsnDog, I hope your talk went well. There is absolutely no reason your husband shouldn't consult you before making plans, whether the plans include you or not. That is just unbelieveably disrespectful to you!

Just because he is a Dad and only sees his child every other weekend and Wednesdays does not mean he can act like he is single when the child is with you. He has responsibilities to BOTH of you. True, it is a huge balancing act, but it gets easier with practice. He should make time for BOTH of you, not ignore you when his kid is there -- nor should he treat you like a coat rack only useful for holding things while THEY have fun.

And why did you both allow this kid to ruin your wedding? I would have done my best to make sure he had everything he needed, to try to snap him out of his pout-fest, but I surely wouldn't have allowed him to manipulate the day as he did.

My question for your husband would be this: "DO YOU WANT TO BE MARRIED TO ME AND BECOME A FAMILY, OR DO YOU WISH TO BE A SINGLE FATHER"? He can't have it both ways. If he doesn't begin to integrate you into his life, you will give up eventually and be gone.

Joe, AWESOME statement: "The family is the dog, the boy is the tail" ... something all parents need to remember.

And oh yeah -- sometimes we CAN say beyond a shadow of a doubt that bio-parents are terrible. We interact with them, see the product of their efforts and dry the tears and hurt that they have caused. Yep, step-parents are close enough to the situation to see when things are terribly wrong.

I am getting pi***ed off reading about your H (sorry-couldn't bring myself to refer to him with the D). You are not his wife. A wife is a partner that shares eveything. Decision making, financial responsibility, parental responsibility, work, FUN. The only thing you have is .. the housework. As for your SS that is upset about a sibling .... this is natural for all kids whether they are half siblings or full fledged clones. No one wants their space invaded. I came from a family of six and I never was thrilled at the thought of another addition, but I wouldn't trade a single one of them for Bill Gates' money. As for your desire to want a baby ... not all people want children. That's fine. Some people should definitely never be parents. However, for those of us that cherish the role.... I could never imagine not being able to have my children. It is the singularly most life and perception altering experience of my life. Meeting and marrying my husband was one of the best things that happened to me, but it didn't change me. My DH and I were just doing what felt natural and good back in 1971. We were much alike, same goals and though our marriage was a most wonderful blessing, it didn't change either of us. Our first child wasn't born until I was 32 (14 years later). Up until that time we had led a most self centered life. It was wonderful. We travelled, built several homes for ourselves in that time... drove sporty cars. We would fly to Manhattan to go shopping (from several states away). Spent our time purchasing heirloom quality furniture and all the acroutemants. When our first child was born, I couldn't believe that this little bundle needed me 24/7 ... that to shower, I had to put her in her carrier and park her outside the shower so that I could could keep an eye on her. DH and I spend all our $$ now on film and picture developing and wonderful toys and clothes for ... the baby. Then #2 was born. Our lives changed from very logical adult activities to the greatest most illogical time of our lives. We no longer sent $$ on flowers because we discovered the beauty of dandelion bouquets, the restaurants in which we ate did not require jacket and tie, but who had the best high chairs and children's menus, trips were to child oriented places. We learned the joy of fairy tales all over again, the joy of discovering the world around us again as if it was all new. Butterflies and crickets and baby pigs and cows were all a new thing. As they are now approaching a time when they will leave home, I know and appreciate in what wonderful ways they changed me, my husband and our relationship. I would not have given that up for anything in the world and I would have been so resentful if at my age now I didn't have these kids and with them, the prospect of their futures and maybe someday grandchildren. When you are my age, you realize that the most of life has passed. If lucky, I will have another 15 - 20 years. It is wonderful that I am no longer the center of my universe, that I have learned what is really important in life. It is not my happiness or well-being that's important ... or maybe put in another way - I get my happiness and well being from sharing everything I have with the family that two kids in love created over the past 30 years. I larned to relly give of myself being a mother and not just to my children - but to DH as well and even the world beyond our four walls. We're approaching a time in our lives when we've already lost many friends and I know that one day - one of us wil be left alone. It will be a comfort to know that I will leave them with each other. That Dad won't be alone and I have left a legacy of love and family traditions that will live on in our children's lives and that of their children long after anyone remembers what I even looked like. Having children does not take away from your life. It adds to it. If your DH fails to see what a child brings into your life even after he has had a son, I don't think he gets the point and probably never will. Maybe he shouldn't be a father again ... but why didn't he tell you that from the beginning so that you could have made a balanced decision? Is he self-centered in other ways? Does he always make the decisions of where to go even when SS is not around? Does he ever ask what movie you would like to see, etc etc I just know that if you feel the desire to have a baby now - it will only get deeper with time. The question now is - will you be able to handle the resentment, the loss of motherhood, etc when you are 45, 50, 65. I've led an enchanted life, but I would give it all up in a second every last bit of it .... except for my DH and children.