skip to main content

BM advice for meeting the stepmom...

17 years ago

...found this video and thought it was interesting. The bias is clear - wondering what others thought, or maybe it's just good for a smile.

http://www.firstwivesworld.com/resources/debbie-nigro/debbie-does-divorce/debbie-does-divorce-first-conversation-step-mom-3-topics-

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (13)

sweeby
17 years ago
I thought it was pretty good --

Now the video was directed to BioMoms, so NorCal, I guess you feel it is biased toward their interests?
Do you think it was biased against StepMoms in any way?
dotz_gw
17 years ago
Norcal, It was BETTER than a smile, it was a laugh...Hated Debbie and her expert.....Well after all it is called Firstwivesworld....My favorite, the SK doesnt Hate YOU they hate the situation...Oh, no wait that would be me , hating the situation....LOL
Related Discussions
New to being a stepmom, advice needed
Q
Comments (10)
"When I made a list of our relationship pros and cons, his parenting was the biggest (and almost the only) issue. Has anyone else had similar experiences?" *Raises hand* I dated a guy for two years that had an 8 year old son. Because he only had him ever other weekend and on Wednesday evenings, he spoiled his son and let him get away with a lot because he "didn't want to spoil the time he had with him". I tried working with my BF about his son, but he got defensive whenever I said something to him about his son's behavior. You are right - it's not your job to fix your boyfriend's children. You did not make them that way or allow them to become that way. Granted, the daughter may be on the autism spectrum, may need counseling, or just some firm parenting, but it is NOT YOUR JOB to fix. The one thing I learned from my experience is I will not wait so long to meet a man's children. I waited a whole year before getting to know my BF's son, and by that time I was already in love with the father, so it was hard to break it off once I started seeing the issues with my BF's parenting. I tried working on the issue with my BF for another year, but eventually I realized that unless he was willing to step up and parent his son, there was nothing I could do. Plus, you have to realize, with step kids your hands are tied behind your back You can't properly discipline them the way you would your own. Unless the dad is willing to step up and properly parent his children, you are only signing yourself up for a life of misery. Sure, his poor parenting may be the ONLY thing wrong with him, but that ONE thing will grow into a monster. There are many things in a relationship that the two of you have to argee on, and one of them is parenting. Of course your BF is upset you want to back off, you are the one doing all the heavy lifting in the relationship. I think I know why he's better with you and your kids. It sounds like you have raised your kids to be respectful, polite and well behaved. It's EASIER to deal with kids that have been raised right. It's a lot harder to RETRAIN kids that have been allowed to misbehave their whole life. And you probably don't get defensive if he tells you something about your kids, or go into denial about their behavior, which is what your BF is doing. And the fact that he wants more time with his kids would make me run for the hills. My BF did the same thing, we were talking about moving in together, and I thought I could handle it since his son would only be there every other weekend and on Wednesdays, but then the BM let the son stay with my BF full time. I knew I could not handle living with his son full time and I told my BF I could not move in with him. He got upset as well, and that was only another indicator to me that the relationship was in trouble (although at the time I didn't break up with him). I remember I once asked the ladies on here if they knew what they did now about step families and all the problems they would go through, would they do it again, and many of them said NO. That was what convinced me that I needed to break up with my BF. It's been three months since I've broken up with him and I don't regret my decision. Sure, sometimes I'm lonely, but a visit back to this site reminds me of why I broke it off and how happy I am now that I don't have to deal with all that mess!
...See More
Stepdaughters' lies and blaming stepmom
Q
Comments (22)
Hi all, I'm new. I just want to say that many of the issues you mention really aren't YOUR issues. Things like her fraudulant lawsuits for example. I have an ex who's always frauding someone...but it's not my problem. The system will catch up and when it does, they'll have to pay somehow. You need to focus on dealing with the children when they're in your care, and disregard what they do in her care, unless they're in danger. You seem to have stopped the spanking but maybe you should make their Dad handle all the discipline. You could even try a "wait until your father gets home" stance when they are in your care and your husband is away. Once you stop engaging with them, they will stop engaging with you. You've only been married two years, so you have a long road ahead. Your nit-picky issues are just that, little nit-picky issues. I'd blow them off and laugh it off as a jealous bio-mom...those do exists sometimes. You know YOU and those around you know YOU...don't waste your time focusing on what she says or does. Keep documenting everything and always anticipate the worst, but hope for the best. If the relationship with the girls is broken, I'd really try mending it. If you're interested in some ways, let me know, maybe we can get creative. If you plan to stay married, you really need to get along with his kids, they don't go away after they turn 18, only the CS.
...See More
New stepmom needs Disney dad advice
Q
Comments (13)
I am getting pi***ed off reading about your H (sorry-couldn't bring myself to refer to him with the D). You are not his wife. A wife is a partner that shares eveything. Decision making, financial responsibility, parental responsibility, work, FUN. The only thing you have is .. the housework. As for your SS that is upset about a sibling .... this is natural for all kids whether they are half siblings or full fledged clones. No one wants their space invaded. I came from a family of six and I never was thrilled at the thought of another addition, but I wouldn't trade a single one of them for Bill Gates' money. As for your desire to want a baby ... not all people want children. That's fine. Some people should definitely never be parents. However, for those of us that cherish the role.... I could never imagine not being able to have my children. It is the singularly most life and perception altering experience of my life. Meeting and marrying my husband was one of the best things that happened to me, but it didn't change me. My DH and I were just doing what felt natural and good back in 1971. We were much alike, same goals and though our marriage was a most wonderful blessing, it didn't change either of us. Our first child wasn't born until I was 32 (14 years later). Up until that time we had led a most self centered life. It was wonderful. We travelled, built several homes for ourselves in that time... drove sporty cars. We would fly to Manhattan to go shopping (from several states away). Spent our time purchasing heirloom quality furniture and all the acroutemants. When our first child was born, I couldn't believe that this little bundle needed me 24/7 ... that to shower, I had to put her in her carrier and park her outside the shower so that I could could keep an eye on her. DH and I spend all our $$ now on film and picture developing and wonderful toys and clothes for ... the baby. Then #2 was born. Our lives changed from very logical adult activities to the greatest most illogical time of our lives. We no longer sent $$ on flowers because we discovered the beauty of dandelion bouquets, the restaurants in which we ate did not require jacket and tie, but who had the best high chairs and children's menus, trips were to child oriented places. We learned the joy of fairy tales all over again, the joy of discovering the world around us again as if it was all new. Butterflies and crickets and baby pigs and cows were all a new thing. As they are now approaching a time when they will leave home, I know and appreciate in what wonderful ways they changed me, my husband and our relationship. I would not have given that up for anything in the world and I would have been so resentful if at my age now I didn't have these kids and with them, the prospect of their futures and maybe someday grandchildren. When you are my age, you realize that the most of life has passed. If lucky, I will have another 15 - 20 years. It is wonderful that I am no longer the center of my universe, that I have learned what is really important in life. It is not my happiness or well-being that's important ... or maybe put in another way - I get my happiness and well being from sharing everything I have with the family that two kids in love created over the past 30 years. I larned to relly give of myself being a mother and not just to my children - but to DH as well and even the world beyond our four walls. We're approaching a time in our lives when we've already lost many friends and I know that one day - one of us wil be left alone. It will be a comfort to know that I will leave them with each other. That Dad won't be alone and I have left a legacy of love and family traditions that will live on in our children's lives and that of their children long after anyone remembers what I even looked like. Having children does not take away from your life. It adds to it. If your DH fails to see what a child brings into your life even after he has had a son, I don't think he gets the point and probably never will. Maybe he shouldn't be a father again ... but why didn't he tell you that from the beginning so that you could have made a balanced decision? Is he self-centered in other ways? Does he always make the decisions of where to go even when SS is not around? Does he ever ask what movie you would like to see, etc etc I just know that if you feel the desire to have a baby now - it will only get deeper with time. The question now is - will you be able to handle the resentment, the loss of motherhood, etc when you are 45, 50, 65. I've led an enchanted life, but I would give it all up in a second every last bit of it .... except for my DH and children.
...See More
Advice for a struggling stepmom
Q
Comments (9)
Your DH is right to a certain degree. Yes, alot of kids (eventhough he pretty much assumes all) go through MANY phases, including, among other things, lying, cheating, stealing, behaviour issues at school, etc. HOWEVER, it does not mean that it's RIGHT or that it should be swept under the rug, condoned, or looked at some weird sort of passage into the next age frame. Stealing is unnacceptable. Plain and simple. Things for you would be alot easier if your DH supported you in this belief and you both addressed the issue with your SS and looked into ways that you can make sure that he is being lovingly taught about actions and consequences. Is DH going to act as if it's okay or nonchalant when his DS gets into trouble at school for stealing. What if DS gets bored with your purse and goes for GM or another relative's possessions. Will DH truly want to voice his opinion about all kids behaving this way in front of a judge when his DS gets nabbed for stealing. NOT that any of this has happened...BUT THEY COULD. I know that it is a given that there will be disagreements in any relationship, and that at some point people learn how to agree to disagree. Everybody's relationships are different as we each have been raised under different standards, morals and ethics. You don't want to encourage bad behaviours and treat this as if it's a phase...stealing is incredibly offensive IMO and your husband taking this lightly and not wanting to address it is just plain sad and quite possibly a red flag as to what other things DH believes is "normal".
...See More
mom_of_4
17 years ago
I dont think it was overly biased in any one direction... I did think it was a little much for a bm to tell the sm that she shouldnt spend as much time with the children. Although I understand where she was coming from there is just no way to say that without it coming out as interfering in their relationship... to much turbulent ground there.
lamom
17 years ago
I thought the video was designed for BM's to get tips with the dynamics of their children spending time with their dads and SM's. So a bias was there but it's ok. As a SM I thought it was useful to hear the BM perpective of how skids should be handled. Wish this was available years ago. As a SM I agree with a lot of what Debbie and her expert said. For me, it was mistake acting like a thrid parent too early with SS who was a teen at the time. Also, later a mistake acting like a grandparent to his first son too early. Taking it slow is a good idea.
organic_maria
17 years ago
The bias is there of course, the title alone firstwives...etc..etc..
Its was good all in all and going slow as advice is good as well.
I did alot of what this person said. Made sure i 'ld work on weekends when he picked up his kids so they can have alone time for the majority of the day and then in the late afternoon and night i would come home. There were times when the eldest, sd, would ask for them to go to the park , just the three of them...and my husband would get insulted..and i would tell hiim , no go alone with them..i dont mind, i'll get started early on lunch or dinner etec..etc.. (my weekend work was not always full days) and there were times i just wanted to be alone as well...so i would tune out, close the bedroom door and listen to my music...and sd would get offended until my dh said to her we all need alone time...just liek when you asked me to go to the park without her. She put her head down and i told her don't feel sad. We all need different times...its not that i dont want you in my life, i just want my time. just like you wanted you time with your dad...
So...the relationship with my skids is not a bad one at all...bm on the other hand is non existant. SHe throws away homework if she finds out i 've helped them...now they do not bring any home anymore here..its been well over a year ...i guess they do it on a sunday night...but that is not my fault...thats' bm andit on her shoulders.
Besides..after seeing the type of person she is and what she says to her kids, i really do not want contact with this person..i know she loves her kids but i want nothign to do with her...SHe's negative, lying, manipulative..i can go on...But any human who is like that is poison! and i want nothign to do withthem. Good luck to the kids for haivng such a mother...they are starting ot realize what she is..thank God they have their friends and grandparents up there.
sweeby
17 years ago
I know how lucky I am, having a kind and reasonable SM for my DS. And the only real problems she and I encountered were with her stepping in to far too quickly, in our case, with DS's school and medical issues. And fortunately, we've been able to get past those now...
kkny
17 years ago
"Posted by dotz (My Page) on Mon, Feb 2, 09 at 18:15

Norcal, It was BETTER than a smile, it was a laugh...Hated Debbie and her expert.....Well after all it is called Firstwivesworld....My favorite, the SK doesnt Hate YOU they hate the situation...Oh, no wait that would be me , hating the situation....LOL
"

Dotz -- actully I thought that was being kind. Many kids want their parents back togethor, and resent SM, no matter who she is.
sweeby
17 years ago
Yeah - I'm also wondering why that statement is so funny / outrageous / offensive -- whatever it is.

I mean, how often do we hear that the kids really liked future SM until it became clear that she was actually going to BE SM?

That tells me it's the JOB, not so much the person in it.
Though of course, the wrong person can be awful, no matter how nice the kids try to be --
and even the best SM can fail if the kids are determined to be little monsters.
dotz_gw
17 years ago
The reason I hate these well intentioned videos, is that they never apply to me...Perfectly said Sweeby, if you are dealing with a reasonable person, which I most certainly am not...For the record, one SS likes me, a lot...One does not, a lot....Reason being, one drinks the poison, one does not....The situation I dont like is no matter what I do, or dont do, I will never be acceptable to one SS....Took things as slow as molasses, never forced myself, my views, or tried to mother these two, by any means..Was friendly, considerate, told DH anytime he wanted to spend without me in their company was fine...The laughable part is allowing a morally bankrupt person give ME advice on how to interact with her child...No thanks, think I m better off going it alone......
sweeby
17 years ago
Ahhh --
So it was the idea that BioMom would give the helpful advice to StepMom,
not that the 'take it slow' advice itself was bad.
dotz_gw
17 years ago
Yes, thats it.. rushing in, that never happened..There is no way I could, or would take advice from a person that would not have her childrens best interest at heart...Its all about her, not them...Yes, of course it would be to the SSs advantage for everyone to get along, I ve seen that up close and personal when she causes a conflict in front of them, and the rage gets directed to me, not her....
norcalgirl78
Original Author
17 years ago
I guess I just was surprised, since part of my academic background is in psychology, and I currently work in broadcasting and have a lot of exposure to journalistic principles, that the expert did not try to give the appearance of objectivity. The expert (presumably a professional) seemed almost to be projecting her own experiences on her advice (I am just guessing here). Also did you notice where she slipped, talking about pickups/dropoffs of the kids when she said "your husband" when she probably really meant to say your ex-husband? She was not very positive overall and a few times even talked through her teeth. The hostess made a joke about asking in an intimidating tough voice where SM was from. This is more funny than anything else - I am not being a serious critic here - just thought it was interesting.

Those things said, it was worth a watch. I have found many times in life that where you stand depends on where you are sitting. I am a daughter, a stepdaughter, a potential stepmom and second wife, possibly someday a mom, possibly someday an ex-wife (let's hope not!).
finedreams
17 years ago
taking it slow is always a good advice in any situation. the only time it is a bad advice when there is a fire and you need to leave the building. ha In all other ones take it slow is the best advice there is.

BTW my DD's SM asked me advice how to interact wiht DD and what role to play. DD is grown but it was still appreciated that she asked the person who parented DD. I understood (from mine and hers conversation) that she also asked X the same question.

But of course if mom and dad do not get along or don't even talk to each other, it is difficult for SM to ask any questions to BM.

But i think it is just common sense to not jump in and mendle, but take it slow.

Related Stories

GREEN A Great Color Combination: Green Meets Gray

By Janell Beals - House of Fifty

Houzz Interview: Victoria's bohemian modern home

MATERIALS Kitchen Ideas: How to Choose the Perfect Backsplash

By Sophie Baylis

Backsplashes not only protect your walls, they also add color, pattern and texture. Find out which material is right for you

COLOR Colors of the Year: Look Back and Ahead for New Color Inspiration

By Jennifer Ott Design

See which color trends from 2014 are sticking, which ones struck out and which colors we’ll be watching for next year

COLOR Pick-a-Paint Help: How to Create a Whole-House Color Palette

By Laura Gaskill

Don't be daunted. With these strategies, building a cohesive palette for your entire home is less difficult than it seems

COLOR 12 Tried-and-True Paint Colors for Your Walls

By Charmean Neithart Interiors

Discover one pro designer's time-tested favorite paint colors for kitchens, baths, bedrooms and more

WHITE What to Know Before You Paint Your Walls White

By Kimberly Collins Jermain

A coat of white paint can do wonders in one room and wreak havoc in another. Here are tips for using the popular hue

EXTERIOR COLOR Exterior Color of the Week: 7 Ways With Warm Gray

By Jennifer Ott Design

See why this hue can be the perfect neutral for any house

NEUTRAL COLORS Color Guide: How to Work With Beige

By Samantha Schoech

If you yawn and dismiss it, you're missing out on beige's infinite subtleties and the possibilities it brings to room designs

TRIM What Color Should You Paint Your Trim?

By Toronto Interior Design Group

Learn the benefits of painting your trim white, black, neutral, a bold color and more

Sponsored

28 Reviews

Franklin County's Preferred Custom Cabinetry & Design Studio