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lobsterfun

Predictable stepmom vent on absent mom (long)

lobsterfun
11 years ago

I guess I�m just a baby stepmother who is only just coming to terms with the resentment that my husband & his family have had 13 years to deal with, so thanks for listening!

I am 28 and my husband is 31. My SS lives with us and his bio mom moved out of state a year ago. My husband and I have no children together, but plan to. My SS is 13 (I�ll save you the math, they were teen parents) and since he was 18 months old, his bio mom has always been far away (as in, at least a 6 hour car drive) and has only been around for birthdays and school holidays.

My husband and his parents worked together to help raise my SS and there�s always been resentment on their end towards the BM for choosing to skip out on the responsibilities of parenting and only pitching in when it�s fun (Summer break! No chores! No homework to scold you about! Video games all night!). Over the years, she�s had her share of abusive relationships, questionable choices, money troubles, even drug use, so SS was very protective of her growing up. We�re not sure how strongly he feels about that now because it�s very hard to get him to open up about his mom.

When we got married almost two years ago, I knew she was just a "Disneyland dad," so to speak, but without never having had to live the role of a custodial step parent, I really underestimated my ability to accept it and get over it. Lately, as we go through the ups and downs of parenting a young teen, I�ve just been getting more and more resentful of the BM. It�s the same old story � here I am doing the real work of a parent, without the true bio parent-child bond, and sometimes I�m mean old stepmom when I discover his homework isn�t done.

BM briefly moved to our area around the time we got married, but later moved out of state last summer, like I mentioned. When she was here (the only time she and SS have lived in the same town since he was 1.5 years old), she might as well have been the cool aunt who comes around every so often. BM only saw him every other weekend, not involved in school, etc.

She�s not getting off scot-free, at least not in terms of her relationship with her son. He rarely calls her and when he does, it�s usually to ask about some present she�s promised him. He�s going to be with her for the summer and has already told his dad he�d rather cut the visit short but doesn�t want to hurt her feelings. Last year, she moved out of state with her new husband and her other daughter (SS�s half-sister) and SS�s only comment was, "I�m used to her leaving."

My rant in general: She (and other absent parents like her) are biological donors and nothing more. I wish they�d get that through their heads, but these kind of people are so self-involved, they would never dream that they don�t deserve the title of "mom" or "dad." Is she my SS�s mother? Sure, if that means someone out there can say half of their genetic material came from you and you gave birth to them.

She is strictly SS�s biological mother and nothing more. She has chosen to take a backseat to parenting whether she lives near or far from SS. She has deliberately handed off all responsibility to my husband and now, to me. That, to me, makes her just the egg donor. Thanks for that � but what have you done for your child lately?

The parent title is earned and needs to be constantly renewed through your actions. Do you set up teacher conferences when your SS�s grades are low? Are you the one who asks him if he did his chores today? Does he come to you when he has a sprain/stomach ache/etc.? Do his teachers know your name? My husband and I can say yes to all of those things. And her? Well, she gave him $200 for Christmas. Well! I guess you really deserve that Mother�s Day holiday after all.

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