HELP !! Adult Child with a Manipulative Controlling Stepmom
briley26
15 years ago
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kkny
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
Stepmom of adult children needs help! Totally frustrated
Comments (23)I mentioned last May that both SD25 and SD24 raged at us, mainly their Dad, for neglecting them, and leaving them out and not spending time with them. DH and I both are very sensitive people, and took this very hard coming from them. It caused to to reflect and examine our behavior to them, and did we really do what we are being accused of? We felt that we were unjustly accused. So, to be objective, and look at facts, I made a journal starting the month in September 2005 when I met their Dad. I logged into the journal every time that we had contact with them. I included times that we actually visited them, where the visit was, what we did, and who picked up the tab. I also included all of the times that we invited them, but they turned us down. Mind you that we wouldn't just say, can you come Friday night at 6pm. We'd say something more like, "We have off of work for the next 3 days, would you like to get together sometime in the next three days?" We tried to be extremely accomodating with our schedule, because we placed a high importance on spending time with them. DH never said, as one of the posts said that he told his girls that, "Sorry I don't have time for you". He bent over backwards to try to do things with them, and make them feel comfortable with the new marriage. My journal showed an average of every 2 weeks or twice a month that we actually spent time with SD24. With SD25 it was about 1 time a month, but she was attending college out of our area, so it is natural to see her less. When my son went to college his freshman year, I said Good Bye in August, and didn't see him til Christmas. He never accused me of neglecting him. He knew I was sacrificing in order to help pay his tuition, and he was pretty glad to get home at Christmas. After Christmas break, we saw him at Easter, then not til college dismissed in June. I have no regrets, and DS23 doesn't feel neglected. Also it was a HUGE change for DS23 because I filed for divorce from his father, after 25 years, right before Christmas. He went to school in the fall with a whole family, and came home to a mess on Christmas break. Never accused me of neglecting him! And a huge stress on his shoulders. With SS29 we see him about 5 times a year since he lives 1200 miles away, they come home quite often. But SS29 never complains about being neglected. SS29 is always polite and respectful, just clueless about social graces. SD24 would sometimes say to us that her DH didn't want to always have to do the driving to come over and spend time with us. They live an hour away from us. So, my DH said to her, "What do you want us to do? Do you want us to just invite ourselves to your house? You're newly weds, should we just pop in without an invitation? We've never been invited to your place." Her answer was that we were welcome any time. So again, DH said, "should we just show up on your doorstep at mealtime?" An hour is a long way to drive when you don't know if anyone is going to be home or not. We clearly don't feel comfortable barging in on our young adult children without an invitation. Yet an invitation almost never came. SD24 invited her Dad over and made him a delicious birthday dinner 18 months ago. That was the last invitation from her to do anything with her. Like I said, my journal showed either we visited or made invitations that were turned down on average of every 2 weeks for the past 3 years! The invites were sometime as a couple, and sometimes just Dad. It depended on our schedules. Sometime I'd be working, and he'd make plans with his kids while I was at work, etc. Same thing with phone calls, they hardly ever call just to visit with him to see how he's doing, or to see if he would like to get together with them. He does almost 100% of the contacting. They usually contact him when they need something from him, or when there is some benefit in it for them, or obligatory times like his birthday, etc. I made a pact with myself in September 2008 that I was going to stop trying so hard to gain their approval, stop contacting them altogether. I have been and will continue to be polite to them, try as hard as I know how to make them feel comfortable and welcome in our home, and I will answer any communication that they direct my way. I will NOT initiate any communication from me to them. The ball is in their court now. None of my 3 SK have contacted me since September, except my SS29'sW who emailed to see when I was sending out the Easter outfits for the SGKs. They have been told by their father, that they are welcome here anytime, they don't even need to call ahead. He said it would be better if they'd phone ahead, but they are always welcome. We think that kids should always have a standing invitation at their parents house. My DH actually cries sometimes. He is very sensitive. He feels that his daughters have neglected him! He has confronted them about this, and they say that things will change. And they do for about 2 weeks. Then they drop out of circulation until he hunts them down again. DH feels that he should do his part as a responsible parent, and try to build the relationship. If they don't do their part that is their decision, but he has the confidence of knowing that he has tried to spend time with them....See MoreBeing a stepmom to adult children whose mother has died
Comments (7)Oh my. In my opinion, you need to speak to husband. He is making things harder than need be. Your husband being overly stubborn over the title 'grandma' is going to work against you, not in your favor. Husband can not stomp his foot and demand his grandchildren call you anything other than politely address you by your name. When and if the kiddies choose to call you 'grandma' they will do it on their own (and I don't think the adult children should object if the kids themselves choose to call you this title). Refusing to go to the party because DH could not sign the card 'grandpa and grandma'? Ouch. It really sounds like you are being very willing to work with everyone involved to make things comfortable and agreeable to everyone concerned....it's your husband that needs to stand back a bit and let things take a natural course. The kiddies may never call you grandma, but if they are receptive to you and respectful of you they very well may come to appreciate your role in their life. Just because you are not called 'grandma' does not mean you can't have a caring/loving relationship with the kids if they are willing. I think the important thing is the relationship itself and not what you or they call it. If they want to call you Grandpa and _______ , so be it. The important to me would be that a title does not get in the way of the actual actions and relationship. I would not be offended if I were called _______. I would be offended if Grandpa was called Grandpa and I was called 'hey you' and treated rudely. If I were not wanted to actually participate in the parties and family events or mistreated because I did so, then I'd have issues. Being called _______, I could be happy with. Afterall, bottomline, I not grandmother and should not demand a title they are not willing to share. My youngest daughter has no living biological grandfather. My mother's SO (22 yr relationship before he passed on)was 'Grandpa' to her. The gentleman helped full a otherwise empty role in her life. But no one made her address him as 'grandpa' and no one made him take on the role of 'grandpa'. It just happened. She crawled up on his lap one afternoon, hugged him and said 'I love you Grandpa'. We (mother and I) never called him anything but his first name to my daughter. She did it all by herself. The gentleman just totally beamed with joy when she took him by surprise by doing so. Mother and I kept our mouths shut and let them have their grandpa/grandchild relationship. No one tried to sway their relationship one way or the other. They chose it, they developed it, we (mother and I) stayed out of it. That's not to say though that my daughter does not know he was really not her biological grandfather. It does not mean she does not know about my father. I've shared many stories with her about my dad. So did her fill-in 'grandpa'. The gentleman was my father's first cousin and they (the two gentleman) grew up together. Perhaps your husband needs to quietly discuss things with his children. Kinda one by one he take them out to lunch and just open up to each other. He can't demand things that they are not comfortable with and he can't race things that sometimes just need to take time. An so too, dad needs to realize somethings might never happen. All he can do is expect respect. Both towards himself, towards you and towards your new life together. He also needs to let the adult children know that he is open to discussions with them when/if something arises that they are uncertain of and/or uncomfortable with. I actually suggest some of the attempt at open communication comes just between Dad and the adult children at least to start. I don't think the kids should be put on the spot by having to have a group family meeting (you included in it) where they might say something that would hurt feelings or not feel like they can openly speak ...I think the goal would be to get an understanding between the father and his children, know how each one of them feels, what they are and are not comfortable with. The adult children have to realize that Dad is moving on with his life, there are changes, just like the children need to move on with their life. Life is for the living. While we all have changes in our life and some changes are easier to cope with than others, we can't hold back the blows and hardships life tosses at us and all we can do is work towards making it through the ups and downs as a team aka family. You sound as if you could be a very positive addition to both dad and the adult step children's life. You just have to take it step by step, one day/event at a time and keep the communication lines flowing. First the first time in being a parent to Dad's children, he may have to learn to make father/child decisions on his own. Sure you and he can discuss issues together, he can ask for your advice, but in the end, Dad has to learn how to be a parent to his adult children on his own just as his children must learn to go on through life now without their mother. Your situation does not sound hopeless. It just kinda sounds like you all got thrown in these changes in all your life without a roadmap to help guide you through. Patience, time and a little empathy all around got my sister and I through the unexpected changes we faced. I wish you all the best....See MoreHelp! stepsparent of adult child
Comments (65)Yeah, I guess I was doing the respecting for my husband, but partially because I m a mom too, and they are kids, with not the best of judgement for their ages, altho 5 years have passed and they should be wising up by now....I actually have not spoken to them since the wedding fiasco, where the 24 yr old wanted dad to pay half costs, he wont call anymore because we didnt pay...Thr 17 year old hasnt been here either since April, but he has a weekend job, and they live about an hour away, but dad calls him weekly and wants to set up a visit...But, he is hinting around for dad to buy him a car.The kid earns money and has a ton of money in the bank(dad does his taxes, so thats a fact)But kids mother told him he has NO money in the bank, and she controls it...So another case of dad the bad guy, wont pay for my brothers wedding, wont buy me a car..Dad works hard, I work, ex has never had a job in her life.Cries, cries cries, to the kids, get money off them..I wonder what will happen when the 17 yr old is emancipated and no money will be coming in to her, she is 54 years old....We cant be responsible for supporting her forever..Sigh..Seems so far away to be rid of her ...Sorry so long of a whine......Advice to keep sanity????...See Morestepmom! help!
Comments (6)Ok that helps. She is 9. That's a rough age when she has so much going on. Dad and the mom that has raised her divorcing and then getting back together. It's very confusing for a child of this age. She doesn't know up from down and she may be worried that you'll have to leave her again. While you were gone, were you still in contact with her? An active role in her life or were you gone from her life and now all of a sudden you have reappeared and it's taking time for her to adjust to you being back? We're the rules of the house the same or has dad let her do whatever, losing all of the 'raising' you have done over 6 years, allowing her to get 'out of control'? As far as she is concerned, an adjustment period is necessary. A child of her age can't be expected to adjust like we adults can because we decide to make so many changes in our life that are good for us, even if they are good for the child, they need that time to readjust. It's like changing activities - some kids need a warning of 5 minutes that we are going to change and do something else, some kids don't need a warning. When we are talking about something as huge as reuniting a family that has been broken, the readjustment can take months or longer depending on what the kid has been through. I don't think you said of biomom is on the scene at all. It may not be your 'fault' and you may feel that you do not deserve this but this little girl may not trust women. If her mom is not around and all she remembers ever having is you, then you were gone, she may not be able to cope with the feelings of 'will s/mom leave me again' and she may not be ready to 'trust' you yet. I'm not saying you have done anything wrong, I'm just saying, in this situation, this child may have issues that go deeper than you think because of the changes in her life. I would suggest not stepping in to be 'mom' right away. Give her time as you would a new partner with a child. Build a relationship/friendship with her. Be her friend, be her excitement, be there when she scrapes her knee and needs a band-aide but let dad do the disciplining. If you are the one with her during the day or after school, be the 'babysitter'. She has to obey your rules to keep her safe and to keep a schedule like she would at daycare or school but leave the parenting to dad until she is comfortable with the changes of her life. Of course you want her to grow in to a wonderful person and you can still guide her as any adult friend, aunt, godmother, teacher, sitter would want to do but leave the basics of her 'raising' up to dad until you are in a position to take on the 'mom' role especially if you aren't sure if this is even going to work. The last thing she needs is another jolt in her life if you and dad don't work out. It's not just about the NOW it's also about her future. She is young enough that she can still be taught respect of other adults unfortunately if her father is not willing to enforce this in the home, there is not much you can do. The next few years will be delicate years with middle school and hormones and all of those issues that comes with being a tween girl.. She just needs to know you love her and that you are there for her but she does deserve to be 'shown' that you aren't just here now for your own reasons but because you love this family and you are here to stay to be a part of her life. As far as your son goes, I really have no advice on that. I'm sorry I can't be more help. I would say, you need to just take on being the parent of your own child. If your husband isn't interested in helping your son, you have to either accept it or move on. Don't put your son second though. If he can't be accepted as part of this family, then you have to do what is best for him. You will always be his mom, you can always find another husband that accepts you both....See Moremrsmaddog
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