For mothers who are estranged from their adult child
imaginny
15 years ago
Featured Answer
Comments (151)
jstgvup
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agomidnight_crescent
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
For those whose adult children are estranged....
Comments (27)Hello, i'm new to this, but felt i really needed to reach out because i feel i'm at my darkest hour and i really need someone to tell me i'm not alone. I have two children, ages 19 (daughter) and 16(son), their father and i divorced 6 years ago, and under special circumstances, he was the primary guardian and i the secondary one. In 2007 i made the worst decision of my life, i had gotten remarried to someone in Jordan, i was only supposed to be there for three months. 1 year and a half later, i finally managed to escape and come back home. My ordeal in Jordan was severely traumatic, i was severely abused, tortured, and left for dead. I remember calling my ex-husband here in canada to help me because i knew i would die there if someone didn't get me out, what i got was 'you made your bed, you can lie in it, as for the children, if you ever want to see them again, you'll have to go through family court'. When i heard the dial tone i felt all was lost. Somehow, i made it back, the only thing keeping me alive everyday i was tortured was the thought of seeing my children again ( my children and i were extremely close before i left, and i never foresaw that my passport and all my ID would be taken,,). Once i came back i was in for a huge shock. In the time that i was gone, it didn't take long for my ex-husband to tell the children that i had chosen to stay and didn't want anything to do with them. They were so young, and he broke their hearts, i never knew any of this until i had come back. I came back in 2009 and i have tried everything, i was patient and i loved them without bounds, and over and over again i tried to prove myself to them, but the damage has been done. With all of this, i moved back with my parents and my children are with their father on a military base. They are only 4 hours away, but i am not to call, write, or even visit. My daughter has told me she wants nothing to do with me, as for my son, his father has told him he wants nothing to do with me, but that if he wants to he can. What child would ever go against their parent if they're the one with the money and house, etc.? I'm in school and am graduating in about 2 weeks. Once i get a salary, i'll be saving money to get my own place, etc. Not a night goes by where i don't cry or miss my children so much that the pain is killing me everyday, i really feel i have no purpose in life anymore, my children were my world, and they don't want to have anything to do with me, it's been like this since i left, but even worse since 2009. My daughter has openly admitted that she could not care if i lived or died and wants no communication from me, as for my son, he will not communicate at all, they have my phone number and email,,but nothing,,,i feel this pain will completely crush me and i have no idea what to do,,,the oeverwhelming hatred i feel for my ex is also wearing me out,,,i just want to know if things do get better as time goes by, and if it doesn't, how do i go on living when i hear their voices in my head from when they were young children all the time?...See MoreEstranged from your child.....part II
Comments (7)(Tried to post to the first one, i.e., "Part I" - all full - SO GLAD for this "Part II" - how I NEED to post this NOW, and GET IT OFF MY CHEST, so here goes...!!!) Oh wow, this is so true for me. My 22 and 18 yr. old daughters are close with one another and their dad, who lets them do AND say whatever they want and who has a larger house so they naturally both wanted to live with him after the divorce 12 years ago. Now that they are both adults, not only is the older one estranged from me (she and I never got along well, so it's no big surprise), but the younger one, a new adult as of Jan. '09, with whom I used to be very close from her birth to about age 14, is nearing that now. Their dad basically "emotionally kidnapped" both of them - he speaks condescendingly to me whenever I stop by and they learned it from him!! He is their "hero," as they can do no wrong in his eyes, or he in their eyes - it is always "party time" at his house, so why wouldn't they favor him? Yet he has done them a great disservice. I can't do anything about it. Yet I did everything for them, all the "dirty work" thru' the years, from diapers and bottles to providing financial security for their educations and other basic needs - both work part-time, but they sure need additional funds, so they really have taken advantage of me - one is in a design trade school, the other will attend a state university in the fall to study veterinary medicine. Their studies may seem great - but what am I left with for all my blood, sweat and toil?! Very little at all!! IÂve even had to help them with a few legal issues like an "almost DUI" when my younger one was a minor (age 17), and a couple of moving violations. My younger one was somewhat friendly to my 2nd husband (whom I married in 2002) in recent years, before she hit 18; but now, neither one of them shows the slightest interest in him or inclination to be friendly to him at all, despite knowing I am close with him and he has done a lot to make my life better in terms of companionship etc., plus the fact that he has tried to be friendly to them when there has been an opportunity. But his and my lives and activities (work, hobbies, etc.) mean nothing to them. The last 4 or 5 Mother's Days when we have gotten together, they have made little "time slots" for me, quickly giving me gifts such as bath products (oh wow), eating lunch "on the fly," and then saying "gotta go - see ya." THIS Mother's Day - I don't even think there will be any get together because I can't take the one-sidedness any longer - i.e., the totally one-way effort. Bottom line: I somehow must come to grips w/ this and somehow get to where I'm at peace w/ it. Thank you for your site, and I hope someone reads this post  I also empathize with all of you who are in the same Âboat that I am. Thanks for reading this, if you do. Here is a link that might be useful: Home of Nina Beck and All Key'd Up Musical Groups...See MoreEstrangement from special Ed Adult Son
Comments (8)Thank you for the encouragement, colleenoz. You are right...I am not crazy, just very, very concerned. No woman I have ever met would do what she has done. Living in the closet. Hating his Mom and family. Turning him into a person on welfare when it was not necessary for him to survive...he had a home, just didn't want to follow the few rules and try to grow up a bit to carry his weight. If he had met someone nice and young, he wouldv'e not been embarrassed to introduce her to me and I would be involved in their lives. He would be planning college or a job rather than where his next meal is coming from. My Ex is out for one thing...revenge. He wants to make me hurt...badly. I am not being self absorbed here. I think that this is really true. I will briefly explain: Our breakup was due to spousal abuse and I thru him in jail after hitting me one time! Then, it was out the door. He left me with two kids and no money as he had moved it all into his name. I was 'in love' and didn't pay attention thinking we were a team and he would never hurt me or the kids. I was on my feet after a year, but that was 8 years ago, my son has been raised with me, my ex had to go to AA to stop drinking and had to give up his porn. Heaven forbid...I embarrassed him! But I also made sure, after he was clean, that his boy had a relationship with him. He has already turned his back on his other son from his first marriage (something unknown to me before marrying him!). I think I am going to call adult protective services..... I think my son can talk his way through them but I will try to instill what has happened to them. Maybe they will see what I and all my doctors see...a preditor. Wish me luck and pray for us please, everyone!!...See MoreAdults estranged from parents
Comments (150)Hello Dave, Sage and everyone, Sage, my mother and father behaved the same--my mother would tell me (I think she did the same to my sisters) how terrible we were as children. She would tell me that I was horrible and a brat. She would complain about how awful I behaved. They gave me nicknames such as bratty_____. I think she just felt deficient and turned it all around and put it all back on me. My sisters claimed that I was favored and both poured forth their resentment towards me in abundance. Both told me that they felt I was a "f***ing spoiled brat. One told me that I deserved to get slapped and hit. She said this after I tried (many times) to tell her part of the reasons why I am not close to my oldest sister, why I feel distant and wary of her. She hit and slapped me across the face and had a very explosive rageful temper. It was like dealing with a type of jekyll & hyde type of person. I never felt comfortable or safe around her. I've tried several times to talk to them about how it feels to be on the receiving end of their behaviors and what it did to the relationship. They cannot hear my emotional pain, dismiss my feelings as "too sensitive" or dismiss me as mentally ill, etc. All it does is that they twist what I say, make excuses or turn it into all about themselves. It is always about them. They don't ever take any personal responsibility for anything. They cannot connect to my feelings or emotions as it is all about them. Connecting to my emotions for them means that they talk about themselves, or try to deny my reality and tell me how I should respond and feel. They always try to fix me. Apparently they feel that I'm broken and a big disappointment. They cannot feel good about themselves unless they poison the relationship with belittling or criticizing me. That have to feel one-up all the time. They were physically abusive and emotionally abusive. They all slapped me in the face, hit, whipped, shook me, or pinned me to the wall, except the middle sister (who is also older than me). According to them I deserved it, because I was horrible or a brat, etc. I have a scar on my chin and I was told by my eldest sister that my father hit me when I was a toddler and it split my chin open. They had to rush me to a hospital. She also told me that I wasn't wanted as a baby and child. She said that my father didn't want another child and so he apparently was abusive to our mother while she was pregnant, because he resented her being pregnant with me. Later, when I asked my mother about the situation her response was to say that my eldest sister was the one who didn't want me around. She said that she didn't want me. Can you imagine how hurtful it was to hear all of this. Another time when I was just a kid (maybe 5 or 6), I put a pill up my nose (kids do silly things). My father told me to hold my nostril and blow to get it out and then he really thumped me in the head (which really hurt) and when I started to cry, all he did was laugh about it. Another time he was cruelly teasing me at the dinner table and my sisters and mother were present, I kept telling him to stop and he wouldn't. I started crying and left the table and all he said was that it was good sensitivity training. My mother didn't do anything. She never intervened while he bullied and abused me. My sisters just watched and learned from his expert instruction. They are emotional bullies. The only person who didn't hit me was my middle sister (or I can't recall), but she let me take the heat for her and didn't speak up when I got punished for something that she did. The way she assaults is through her words and actions, but she doesn't assault me physically. She makes huge issues about gifts. Actually both of my sisters do. Apparently the eldest felt ripped off because she felt she was more generous financially giving me gifts, than I was with her. The other flew into a hissy fit because I didn't send a thank you note right away--I sent it within a month's time frame. Apparently she didn't either get it or she had a very rigid time frame (less than a month) or it was unacceptable. She sent letters loaded with sarcasm (her special brand of cruelty). Dave, I can relate to what you said also about the sadness you felt as a child. You mother demonstrated a complete lack of empathy for you and once again turned it into all about her. Her focus was all about herself and still is. I experience my mother as similar, although as I got older I filled the role of being empathetic towards her, so she felt closer to me than my sisters, because I finally had a use for her--I was no longer the horrible toddler/child that she had to put up with. Now I could listen to all of her problems and be her therapist. I've found myself in this role with many women. I think my mother-in-law may have had NPD or she was just a narcissist. My own mother I experienced as emotionally unavailable, and I think she did have a personality disorder, but I don't think her problem was NPD. She's been diagnosed with something else, which I may talk about at a later date. Well, I've written enough for today... Flower...See Morelaurene1970
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agopenbyrd
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agomidnight_crescent
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agopenbyrd
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agowitchiepoo
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agomidnight_crescent
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agokaynsd
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agoanniebal
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agouponreflection
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agoanniebal
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agopenbyrd
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agowitchiepoo
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agoanniebal
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agomidnight_crescent
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agojstgvup
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agowitchiepoo
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agoheartbrke
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agowitchiepoo
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agoanniebal
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agostraycat_wandering
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agowitchiepoo
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agowitchiepoo
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agoanniebal
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agowitchiepoo
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agojstgvup
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agolaurene1970
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agostraycat_wandering
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agoanniebal
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agostarrs1414_yahoo_com
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agosarahsmom
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agoanniebal
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agosarahsmom
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agolaurene1970
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agomagoo_2006
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agowitchiepoo
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agoanniebal
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agokats_2007
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agoanniebal
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agoconnierose_2000
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agoanniebal
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agostraycat_wandering
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agosarahsmom
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agoanniebal
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agosarahsmom
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agoimaginny
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agoimaginny
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agoCalisunshine01_msn_com
12 years agolast modified: 9 years ago
Related Stories
KIDS’ SPACESSingle Design Moves That Can Transform a Child’s Room
Your children are unique and special. Why not give them a room to match?
Full StoryMOTHER’S DAYWhat to Do for Mom Around the House on Mother’s Day
Show appreciation for your mother and make her day extra special with these ideas
Full StoryLIFEThe Polite House: How to Set Rules for Adult Children Living at Home
Here are 3 important conversations to have, and the language that will help you succeed
Full StoryBATHROOM DESIGNRoom of the Day: Kids and Adults Share a Bright 40-Square-Foot Bathroom
Splashes of lime green add a playful touch to this efficient and economical second bath
Full StoryCOTTAGE STYLELessons From Camp: Cottage Inspiration for Home
Embrace the bones, and 11 other design tips from a reborn summer camp in the woods of Wisconsin
Full StoryHOUZZ TOURSHouzz Tour: From Shocker to Stunner in Houston
Once moldy and decrepit, this 1920s bungalow is now a neighborhood gem
Full StoryKIDS’ SPACESRoom of the Day: From Dark Walk-in Closet to Bright and Warm Nursery
A mix of vintage and new decor creates a stylish nursery that will grow with a baby boy
Full StoryDECORATING GUIDESFrom Queasy Colors to Killer Tables: Your Worst Decorating Mistakes
Houzzers spill the beans about buying blunders, painting problems and DIY disasters
Full StoryHOMES AROUND THE WORLDHousehold Habits and Customs to Borrow From Other Countries
Discover why salt may be the perfect house-warming gift, how to clean rugs in snow and why you should invest in a pair of ‘toilet slippers’
Full StoryMost Skilled Home Improvement Specialists in Franklin County
shulamitedove