For mothers who are estranged from their adult child
imaginny
14 years ago
Featured Answer
Sort by:Oldest
Comments (151)
jstgvup
14 years agolast modified: 8 years agomidnight_crescent
14 years agolast modified: 8 years agoRelated Discussions
Any Mothers estranged from daughters by choice?
Comments (16)Not sure about the mental illness, but it's a great possibility. I have a BIL and SIL who are bipolar. One worse than the other. Another SIL is a recovering drug addict and alcoholic. She did things like your daughter does. She also had abortions and is divorced. I asked two woman once who had had abortion how they felt. If it was painful. They both said physically it was okay. Emotionally it was hell. Maybe your daughter feels like she doesn't deserve to be alive after having so many abortions and losing so many children. Maybe she's trying to destroy herself because of the emotional pain she is suffering because of her choices and then, when she's sober looks for hope, and then gets down again. Up and down! Up and down! Not getting into a long story but one that relates very well with your granddaughter's life. She should be in counselling NOW. My brother and his wife are raising their son's 2 sons because the mother is a drug addict who has caused so much emotional damage to the eldest since he was 4 (now 8). He had a counsellor from Children's Aid come over to the house and she did some "play counselling". It really helped him. He'd do well until the mother would call and say all kinds of stuff to him to turn him against my brother and SIL. They have now decided to cut all ties with her for the kids' sake and resume counselling. It was destroying them. They are dealing with the courts right now. It's not good for your granddaughter to be subjected to her mother's emotional outbursts and all the stuff that's going on. It will only destroy her too, so PLEASE get her into counselling now! Don't mean to sound unfeeling or whatever, but I don't think there's anything you can do now to help your daughter because she NEEDS to want to help herself. BUT.. what you CAN do is make sure your granddaughter doesn't suffer emotional damage because of her mother's actions. She needs to know and understand WHY her mother does the things that she does, and only a qualified professional knows just how much info a little mind can take at a time so as to not overwhelm them too much and cause more damage. Just my opinion. I wish you luck and strength as you go through this with your family. P.S. A friend of mine had a schizophrenic mother who did all kinds of things to her. My friend was 9 years old when she ran away, collecting pop bottles to get something to eat. After 3 days on the street, she'd go to the police. "They" would get the mother back on her meds, then my friend would go back (and her brother). Only this would happen over and over again. She ended up in a total of 40 foster homes. At 16, she was on her own. ONE foster mother gave my friend (aged 15)several books about schizophrenia and told her to read them all so that she could understand WHY her mother did the things that she did. It wasn't because she didn't love her. It was because she was mentally ill. My friend said that reading those books changed her whole world. She didn't hate her mother anymore. On her wedding day, she saw her brother for the first time in a very long time. My friend invited her mother to the wedding. When her brother asked her how she could invite her and still love her after everything that she did to them, my friend told her brother that it's called forgiving and understanding and she'd talk to him about it when he grows up! I have to say that my friend turned out very well. Never did drugs or hit the booze to numb the emotional pain of her childhood. It actually made her stronger. The brother, however, today, is bipolar and smokes drugs! The mother is now deceased, but my friend took care of her by arranging proper care when she was too sick to care for herself. She would also go pick her up to spend Christmas day with her husband and kids. By educating herself about why her mother did the things that she did, she didn't grow up with resentment, hatred, low self-esteem, feeling unloved, etc. She grew up knowing that her mother loved her in her own special way, the only way she could, and was mentally ill, and had "outbursts" when she was not on her meds, etc. Your granddaugther needs to know the same about her mother!...See Moremothers estranged from their adult children
Comments (2)ms500 - I hate to hear you are having such a hard time. I too am divorced - my ex wanted to devote 24-7 to building his own business and didn't want the responsibilities of a family to hold him down. This after almost 17 years of living our life around that business which included losing almost everything, including our home. It always came first and so I shouldn't have been surprised when he said he wanted out. I look back now and realize what a doormat I had become and now that my oldest son had tossed me aside, I don't know why I am surprised. He learned from his dad to put everything above family and if family gets in the way just walk away. I asked my counselor why, what I did - provide a loving and supportive home, be the nurturer and the disciplinarian, and not leave, did not influence him as much as what his dad did. His answer was - my son knows where his rock is when he needed someone. He knew who he could rely and he has no reason to believe you will not always be there. On the other hand - he doesn't have that with his dad and therefore will not push him or take him for granted because he doesn't trust him as much. I still remember people telling me that the payoff for raising kids came when they were older and understand what it is to be a parent. So yes I feel cheated in more ways than one. My ex who wanted more than his family is the one that gets to enjoy his family. What is fair about that. Yet I believe that in time you reap what you sow. I know what I have sown and what I am experienceing now is not my reward. I believe the same for you. For some reason they seem to be in denial of the neglect and abuse you took on their behalf because of their dad. Have faith and hope that in time you will be rewarded for your effort. I can say "that" even though I have never even met my only grandchild - because I believe someone greater than me is in control. Good luck and best wishes....See MoreAdults estranged from parents
Comments (150)Hello Dave, Sage and everyone, Sage, my mother and father behaved the same--my mother would tell me (I think she did the same to my sisters) how terrible we were as children. She would tell me that I was horrible and a brat. She would complain about how awful I behaved. They gave me nicknames such as bratty_____. I think she just felt deficient and turned it all around and put it all back on me. My sisters claimed that I was favored and both poured forth their resentment towards me in abundance. Both told me that they felt I was a "f***ing spoiled brat. One told me that I deserved to get slapped and hit. She said this after I tried (many times) to tell her part of the reasons why I am not close to my oldest sister, why I feel distant and wary of her. She hit and slapped me across the face and had a very explosive rageful temper. It was like dealing with a type of jekyll & hyde type of person. I never felt comfortable or safe around her. I've tried several times to talk to them about how it feels to be on the receiving end of their behaviors and what it did to the relationship. They cannot hear my emotional pain, dismiss my feelings as "too sensitive" or dismiss me as mentally ill, etc. All it does is that they twist what I say, make excuses or turn it into all about themselves. It is always about them. They don't ever take any personal responsibility for anything. They cannot connect to my feelings or emotions as it is all about them. Connecting to my emotions for them means that they talk about themselves, or try to deny my reality and tell me how I should respond and feel. They always try to fix me. Apparently they feel that I'm broken and a big disappointment. They cannot feel good about themselves unless they poison the relationship with belittling or criticizing me. That have to feel one-up all the time. They were physically abusive and emotionally abusive. They all slapped me in the face, hit, whipped, shook me, or pinned me to the wall, except the middle sister (who is also older than me). According to them I deserved it, because I was horrible or a brat, etc. I have a scar on my chin and I was told by my eldest sister that my father hit me when I was a toddler and it split my chin open. They had to rush me to a hospital. She also told me that I wasn't wanted as a baby and child. She said that my father didn't want another child and so he apparently was abusive to our mother while she was pregnant, because he resented her being pregnant with me. Later, when I asked my mother about the situation her response was to say that my eldest sister was the one who didn't want me around. She said that she didn't want me. Can you imagine how hurtful it was to hear all of this. Another time when I was just a kid (maybe 5 or 6), I put a pill up my nose (kids do silly things). My father told me to hold my nostril and blow to get it out and then he really thumped me in the head (which really hurt) and when I started to cry, all he did was laugh about it. Another time he was cruelly teasing me at the dinner table and my sisters and mother were present, I kept telling him to stop and he wouldn't. I started crying and left the table and all he said was that it was good sensitivity training. My mother didn't do anything. She never intervened while he bullied and abused me. My sisters just watched and learned from his expert instruction. They are emotional bullies. The only person who didn't hit me was my middle sister (or I can't recall), but she let me take the heat for her and didn't speak up when I got punished for something that she did. The way she assaults is through her words and actions, but she doesn't assault me physically. She makes huge issues about gifts. Actually both of my sisters do. Apparently the eldest felt ripped off because she felt she was more generous financially giving me gifts, than I was with her. The other flew into a hissy fit because I didn't send a thank you note right away--I sent it within a month's time frame. Apparently she didn't either get it or she had a very rigid time frame (less than a month) or it was unacceptable. She sent letters loaded with sarcasm (her special brand of cruelty). Dave, I can relate to what you said also about the sadness you felt as a child. You mother demonstrated a complete lack of empathy for you and once again turned it into all about her. Her focus was all about herself and still is. I experience my mother as similar, although as I got older I filled the role of being empathetic towards her, so she felt closer to me than my sisters, because I finally had a use for her--I was no longer the horrible toddler/child that she had to put up with. Now I could listen to all of her problems and be her therapist. I've found myself in this role with many women. I think my mother-in-law may have had NPD or she was just a narcissist. My own mother I experienced as emotionally unavailable, and I think she did have a personality disorder, but I don't think her problem was NPD. She's been diagnosed with something else, which I may talk about at a later date. Well, I've written enough for today... Flower...See MoreAdults Estranged from Parents
Comments (8)Hi to everyone, I found this forum with google and I can just say I am so happy to have found a place where I feel less alone... I relare to everyone, especially to sage121 as I'm too in the process of estrangement from my parents and only brother after 32 years of denial that anything was wrong of out of place... when I first confronted them I felt like the ground was opening beneath to swallow me, but after that and a long work on myself, I am finally beginning to enjoy life as I deserve... I wanted to cite this sentence from silver: "I can forgive someone, meaning that I no longer hold something against them. Forgiving them, doesn't mean I trust them. Trust needs to be earned. A simple "I'm sorry" doesn't rebuild trust after years of emotional and sometimes physical abuse. Especially, when their bad behavior continues after they have said they are sorry." that is expecially true. at first you are so angry, also because you're disappointed that yours are not the perfect parents, but just human persons with their defects. then you come to terms with their humanity, and start to go on with your life; but this doesn't mean that you trust them back: no matter they said they're sorry and want to make amends, when all they believe is that they have done their best and you're just being difficult about silly things... and they go on as before. they keep telling that mine was not an abusive family and for most part it's true, they didnt beat me, or come home drunk, but I remember-and this is the first time I talk about this ever to anyone-that a friend of my brother who's 5 years older than me use to be abusive of me from 6 to 10 years old, touching me and making me touch him... my mother became aware of that and instead of kicking the boy out, spoke to me telling that "I had to stop letting him do those things or she would be forced to tell dad and he would make him leave"...I was 6 or 7, and had no means to make him stop... but he was best buddy with my brother who of course is parents' pet, and at the time I was just so focused on getting the love of my big bro' that for years I endured his abuse in secret for fear of him being kicked out and my brother put the blame on me. I felt, god, still feel so dirty and ashamed of this that I've never told anyone, but that was just a big situation in which my parents (especially my mom) refused to side up with me, leaving me with the weight of doing myself what should have been their job, protect me. my brother, on the other hand, has always been the sicky mommy's boy, so even through his adulthood, they've felt their responsibility to shelter him from any thing bad... while I was the tough one who could do by herself, and they take for granted every thing that I accomplish. which they say, is because they have great esteem in my abilities, and I say, ok it's flattering, but hey, your're my parents, it would be nice to have a little cheering from you from time to time. moreover, I choose academic research while he's in industry, so he has a fairly easier life than mine: a permanent, secure job, a house, a wife in the same condition while on the other hand, I have a fellowship which last a year, my partner has a temporary job and obviously we are in a rented house 'cause we can't afford to buy one... but HE is the poor one, the one who needs their help, while we're tough and somehow, we'll manage.... they also started to take big life (and economic) decisions which favoured him (for example, they're having a baby soon-first grandchild) and they're deciding to sell everything at home to buy a house to be near to him, in case he needs any help with the baby... leaving me by myself, for the future too. and I can bet that once they are old they will "offer" (cause obviosly, they say it's them who offer, not the golden boy who asks) to move in bro's small house, leaving them the big hose with the garden... I tried to talk them out of this madness, but they refuse to think that it's wrong, keep saying they would do the same for me, if I were in his shoes... but I know it's just b*****it. we talked about is some time ago (as they're getting older and live some time from here) telling them 'why dont you come to live closer?' (also to try being the perfect little girl and please them) and they kept stalling the decision to look for houses, and then, weeks after my bro told them they're expecting, they merrily announced they were making plans to sell their house and they were looking at new ones near him.... I feel so bad, angry, frustrated, disillusioned...guilty when they call me and seem so sad, and then angry again with myself for feeling guilty.... my partner too is involved as they treated him with poor respect in some occasions (and he doen't want anything to do with them) and every time they keep saying that they've done nothing wrong... I've been in this trap for years, until I realized that I had started to hurt him in order to avoid confronting my parents as it would leed to their disappointment in me, and because I refused to aknowledge the truth of my dysfunctional family... I also felt so ashamed of this situation (of me barely talking to them)....also because here (I'm italian) it is almost a public disgrace not to feel bound to one's family, something people should never know about. I am trying to keep my head up but it's hard. it's good to know that I'm not alone... big hug to everyone!...See Morelaurene1970
14 years agolast modified: 8 years agopenbyrd
14 years agolast modified: 8 years agomidnight_crescent
14 years agolast modified: 8 years agopenbyrd
14 years agolast modified: 8 years agowitchiepoo
14 years agolast modified: 8 years agomidnight_crescent
14 years agolast modified: 8 years agokaynsd
14 years agolast modified: 8 years agoanniebal
14 years agolast modified: 8 years agouponreflection
14 years agolast modified: 8 years agoanniebal
14 years agolast modified: 8 years agopenbyrd
14 years agolast modified: 8 years agowitchiepoo
14 years agolast modified: 8 years agoanniebal
14 years agolast modified: 8 years agomidnight_crescent
14 years agolast modified: 8 years agojstgvup
14 years agolast modified: 8 years agowitchiepoo
14 years agolast modified: 8 years agoheartbrke
14 years agolast modified: 8 years agowitchiepoo
14 years agolast modified: 8 years agoanniebal
14 years agolast modified: 8 years agostraycat_wandering
14 years agolast modified: 8 years agowitchiepoo
14 years agolast modified: 8 years agowitchiepoo
14 years agolast modified: 8 years agoanniebal
14 years agolast modified: 8 years agowitchiepoo
14 years agolast modified: 8 years agojstgvup
14 years agolast modified: 8 years agolaurene1970
14 years agolast modified: 8 years agostraycat_wandering
14 years agolast modified: 8 years agoanniebal
14 years agolast modified: 8 years agostarrs1414_yahoo_com
14 years agolast modified: 8 years agosarahsmom
14 years agolast modified: 8 years agoanniebal
14 years agolast modified: 8 years agosarahsmom
14 years agolast modified: 8 years agolaurene1970
14 years agolast modified: 8 years agomagoo_2006
14 years agolast modified: 8 years agowitchiepoo
14 years agolast modified: 8 years agoanniebal
14 years agolast modified: 8 years agokats_2007
14 years agolast modified: 8 years agoanniebal
14 years agolast modified: 8 years agoconnierose_2000
14 years agolast modified: 8 years agoanniebal
14 years agolast modified: 8 years agostraycat_wandering
14 years agolast modified: 8 years agosarahsmom
14 years agolast modified: 8 years agoanniebal
14 years agolast modified: 8 years agosarahsmom
14 years agolast modified: 8 years agoimaginny
14 years agolast modified: 8 years agoimaginny
14 years agolast modified: 8 years agoCalisunshine01_msn_com
12 years agolast modified: 8 years ago
Related Stories
KIDS’ SPACESSingle Design Moves That Can Transform a Child’s Room
Your children are unique and special. Why not give them a room to match?
Full Story
MOTHER’S DAYWhat to Do for Mom Around the House on Mother’s Day
Show appreciation for your mother and make her day extra special with these ideas
Full Story
LIFEThe Polite House: How to Set Rules for Adult Children Living at Home
Here are 3 important conversations to have, and the language that will help you succeed
Full Story
BATHROOM DESIGNRoom of the Day: Kids and Adults Share a Bright 40-Square-Foot Bathroom
Splashes of lime green add a playful touch to this efficient and economical second bath
Full Story
COTTAGE STYLELessons From Camp: Cottage Inspiration for Home
Embrace the bones, and 11 other design tips from a reborn summer camp in the woods of Wisconsin
Full Story
HOUZZ TOURSHouzz Tour: From Shocker to Stunner in Houston
Once moldy and decrepit, this 1920s bungalow is now a neighborhood gem
Full Story
KIDS’ SPACESRoom of the Day: From Dark Walk-in Closet to Bright and Warm Nursery
A mix of vintage and new decor creates a stylish nursery that will grow with a baby boy
Full Story
DECORATING GUIDESFrom Queasy Colors to Killer Tables: Your Worst Decorating Mistakes
Houzzers spill the beans about buying blunders, painting problems and DIY disasters
Full Story
HOMES AROUND THE WORLDHousehold Habits and Customs to Borrow From Other Countries
Discover why salt may be the perfect house-warming gift, how to clean rugs in snow and why you should invest in a pair of ‘toilet slippers’
Full StorySponsored
Creating Bespoke Kitchen & Bathroom Designs in Fairfax County
shulamitedove