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The Single Life

Adults Estranged from Parents

flowergardenmuse

15 years ago

This post is a continuation of the previous Adults Estranged from Parents as it has reached it limit for number of postings.

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Comments (8)

flowergardenmuse
Original Author
15 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
For anyone who finds themselves here seeking help with estrangement issues--I am posting a link to a site below, which I've found very helpful.

It is up-to-date, is run by a professional counselor/psychologist and offers many articles as well as current research on the subject.

Here is a link that might be useful: E-Stranged
silversword
15 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Hi Flower,
I hope you're doing well. I continue to be semi-estranged from my mother (we talk, but it's superficial and she still blames me). It's sad. But she is toxic and I have a really hard time wanting to reconnect with her when I realize how much she's lied, and how much that has impacted my life.

There's not much anyone can do to help me.

I find myself pulling away from my dad too now. I wonder how much I'm still expecting them to be the adults and our roles... in normal families (haha) is it like this?

Basically I realized that my dad has put me in the middle of his issues with my SM for the past 15 years. I realize now that he has been playing both sides. And he realizes it too, to some extent. But the whole thing just makes me weary. My SM exhausts me, and my dad is at that point too. I just really do not enjoy his company anymore. Which is really sad for me to say.

I LOVE him and (I love my mom too). I'm just exhausted with dealing with them.
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Wow! I thought my son was bad but still ... I can relate on some level to these comments and stories. I always say no one can break your heart like your own child. It's a different kind of heartbreak that slices through to your soul. My son is a good young man but man oh man is he stubborn. Stubborn to the point it's heartbreaking. Just got off the phone with him asking what are his plans for the future. His response was, "You know, I am not going to talk to you because you just disrespected and insulted me." I'm thinking, "How on earth is asking what your future plans are disrespecting and insulting?" He just doesn't want to plan a future, no goal, no college, nothing. Next he'll go on silence for a while. Mind you, he was married a little over a year ago, New Year's Eve 2013. After I told him he's too young at 25. Young in terms of not planning a future. He went and married anyways to prove me wrong. Well, I was right, now he's going through a divorce. His wife is divorcing for the same reason I am questioning him ... no ambition. But he can't see the ocean because of the waves. My son is an only child who has had the best life. Better than all his cousins by a long shot but he can't see this either. He complains and blames. For what?! I have no idea. I made his life so comfortable. Yes, it is narcissism. He feels he doesn't have to do anything. Both his father and I, who never married are products of education. We both pursued college degrees and entered the workforce. His father was never really a part of his life but he sent monetary support. Me, I was the sole breadwinner with a nice career that I grew tired of and now back in college to make a career change. So I have no idea how to motivate him and at times feel I am at fault. Thank you oilpainter for your words, " Their actions are THEIRS not yours, and it does not mean you have no value." I was struggling a bit after the phone call till I read your words. Maybe it's me and my expectations. Well, I'm going to heed the words I've lived with all my life that have served me well - If you don't know what to do then pray. And I'm going to speak with a therapist. I need some counseling. One child, two children, three children ... it doesn't matter. I have one and it's just as hard.
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I joined just to post this since I think it will help to just put it out there. I have 3 children, a son and 2 daughters. My 21 yr. old son, the oldest, has yet again decided to cut me off. My son started to have behavioral issues somewhere around 14. At first it was manageable, but over the years things got worse. At one point he was hospitalized (involuntarily) and he also stole my car in an attempt to drive out of state to see a girl. (he did not have a driver’s license) Throughout this, his level of disrespect, anger, lying, lack of maturity and overall moody behavior grew to a point where everyone in the house walked on eggshells around him. The thing is, because of my own upbringing (see below), I refused to give up on him. I know he is smart, loving and good kid underneath the problems. We, I and my husband, were willing to stick it out while he sorted his life out, got on a path of self-reliance and moved out like all kids do. Earlier this year things came to a head. He decided that once again the rules didn’t apply to him and he stayed out all night drinking and doing drugs, neither of which are allowed in our household. We basically told him that this wasn’t acceptable and after a heated argument, he stormed out. He later called my sister and she picked him up and took him to her house, which on the surface would seem fine, but not in this case. A bit of relevant backstory- I come from a big, complicated family. 6 older siblings, a mother who ditched us when I was an infant, multiple alcoholics, multiple marriage/divorces and generally a drama filled bunch. The only sane one was my dad and he passed away when I was 17. Up until last year I had confidence, abandonment and trust issues, but only around my siblings. It was like I was a different person around them and I realized it was because I just didn’t want any drama, regardless of how it negatively affected me. Finally, at 40 yrs. old I decided enough was enough. I started standing up for myself and stopped being the push over that my dysfunctional family/siblings had grown accustomed to. This, of course, did not sit well with them. Now the specific sister who picked up my son that day has a habit of making decisions for me, being judgmental and sometimes, just downright degrading to me. We had been butting heads over me not taking crap from people any longer and she pounced on this opportunity to lash out at me. She decided it was a great time to interject her opinion into the situation. She proceeded to tell my son he could stay there for as long as he wanted, rent and rule free, basically undermining us. She then decided to come over to my home and insult me by calling me a host of vial names because I told her that she crossed a boundary and that it was not acceptable. After the barrage of insults, I told her that she was being disrespectful and she needed to leave. We have not spoken since. My son on the other hand came home after about 6 weeks because he missed us. (his words) He got a job, bought a car and things appeared to be going well. We actually thought he was on the right path and we would be helping him move into his own place in a couple of months. Then things went south again. 2 months ago he started hanging out with his old friends, he started stealing again, smoking weed, drinking and finally he got fired for calling in too much. All through this, he is growing more disrespectful to us and after he stayed out all night parting again, we told him we had enough, he would need to make arrangements to move out at the end of the month. We would no longer be providing a free ride for his party habits. What we didn’t know is that my sister had been speaking to him this whole time, telling him he could come back there, no rent, no rules. So I feel like on some level he purposely caused problems so that he could justify/blame us for having to go back to my sisters. So here we are now. His little sisters haven’t heard from him since he left, my sister and son are manipulating each other, feeding off of each other’s anger towards me and creating a mess that I frankly have no idea how to clean up. I’m left to sit here wondering how long it will take for my son to see the truth of the situation, if he ever does. I’m having an especially hard time today because tomorrow is his birthday. If I text him a simple happy birthday, I’ll get a nasty reply. (I’ve tried in the past) If I say nothing tomorrow, it will be another piece of ammo that can be thrown at me in the future. I basically can’t lose either way. I just don’t know how to move on. Some days are okay, others I’m a mess. All my old insecurities are creeping back up and I don’t know how to stop them from consuming me.
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Well, in my sister's case, she has mental health issues, but was a bright young lady. She was overweight since childhood, but she was an absolutely beautiful girl. She went through a stage where she thought she was a lesbian. She liked to say that she wanted to bring a girl to Thanksgiving dinner as her date and upset our folks. I told her I figured they would get over it eventually. They loved her very much. Maybe too much. She met a guy on Yahoo personals and they had German ancestry in common. Turns out he's into White Supremacy, but we didn't know that at the time. They married within the first year of dating. He moved into her apartment and it didn't take long to find out that he was emotionally abusive. He blames it on his diabetes, but he even tried to start a fight with my husband at dad's funeral. My sister was unhappy in her marriage and we learned quickly that mom and dad were NOT allowed to give her and hubby anything. I didn't know anything was wrong until mom wanted to go visit them at their house one night. They weren't home and mom started crying and saying that she wished she hadn't married this guy. It was then that I found out about his white supremacist tendencies and the way he was controlling of my sister. Of course, she has gone back and forth over this saying it's not him, it's her that's the problem, but the night our dad died guess who was with her at the hospital. Dear old mom in law, the enforcer. This woman-the boy's mother-is the one, I'm really sure of it, who is most behind the estrangement. She tried telling my aunt and grandma that our dad molested us and that we were "stair-step" children. We were in fact 7 and 11 years apart in age and our dad NEVER molested us, ever! Of course, madam wolf didn't bother to ask my oldest sister and myself. She raises a child who thinks hitler is someone to look up to and takes a giant crap on our family. I have found out that there often is an older woman in the family that is behind the estrangement of the spouses parents and family. Well, my sister says that I'm a n**ger now and she hasn't let us see their daughter. We suspect she is pregnant again, but they won't let mom see that child either-even though the big bad dad is dead as a doornail. My dad is pushing up daisies. How would you feel if you were accused of molesting your own children and denied seeing your grandchildren? It is the most bull crap thing I have ever seen. I'm sure they are feeding her the whole, their toxic people, line and I'm sure it feeds her narcissism to believe it. God will have to deal with it. I miss my dad so much. This is NOT the way things were supposed to be and her actions have affected ALL of us. Of course, she doesn't even think about any of that. It's all her up in there. Our mother is very broken. I pray for her because only God can help the hole in her heart. That chicken sister of mine couldn't even go in and see dad's lifeless body laying on the gurney the night he died, but I remember his eyes. I was with mom and we went in right after they pronounced him dead. I remember his beautiful blue eyes had faded to a green as deep as the ocean because the life had fled from them. He choose not to get that open heart surgery. I guess he didn't think dying could hurt any less than being accused of being a child molester and a sob supreme by the woman who raised a model SS career man. It's not all about any one person. What you do affects everyone and we are ALL responsible for each other. I loved and protected my sister to the best of my abilities. Our dad did yell a lot and he was an ignorant man. He didn't know how to raise children because he came from an alcoholic dad-but our did was NOT an alcoholic nor was he a child abuser. My children remember their grandparents and I would never, ever have refused my parents or my husbands' parents from getting to know their grandchildren. Never.
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I disinherited my son after he returned Christmas cards and money and refused contact over the years. I sent him a copy of the will on Fathers day, letting him know that in my view our relationship or lack thereof, has come to this point. I'm done, I'm though with being rejected. I believe in forgiveness, and the door could be opened again, but I won't do one way streets anymore. Yes, I also wanted to let him know how it feels to be disowned, while I'm still alive and no hope for change after the fact. There are practical considerations too. For years I've been enmeshed in the fantasy of how things could, should or ought to be. I've always been the one that is supposed to do 99% of the work, and prove myself. He is 37, that view was fine as a young adult, but I decided that something has to motivate him to finally grow up. I had an alcoholic parent, in my mid twenties I learned how to let go of my resentment and realize he did the best he could with what he had to work with. I'm not without fault, I keep trying to give him fatherly advice about paying off his credit card debt, getting a job with benefits and having health insurance. In hindsight, I should have kept quiet, instead of trying to pass on the wisdom my parents gave to me, or so I thought. Now, I would like to leave my estate to folks that actually make an effort to be part of my life and will be there for me when the time comes. I'll forgive my son, but others will get my estate.
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flowergardenmuse
Original Author
15 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Hi Silver,

It is good to hear a word from you. I posted then forgot and have been sick too. I'm sorry that your situation has remained the same, but it sounds, despite the situation, that you are doing what you need and taking care of yourself. I can relate to that and really that is all one can do.

I know what you mean. I'm basically semi-estranged too and I doubt it will change. My interest in the subject waxes and wanes and still becomes more intense during the holidays...less so at other times. I wrote posts with the link at the parent's site, but I really wonder about what it is that people truly desire and I sincerely doubt it is change that may be asked of them to open their hearts to another's experience. Oh well...I guess that is the nature of many and part of the human experience.

I can relate to what you say about your feeling exhausted with dealing with them. That is a constant with me.

I've found that other site that I posted the link too helpful and more constructive than other sites dealing with the same issues. I go there from time to time as the mood and need hits. Other than that there is very little that I can do.

This economy sucks bigtime and creates additional strain. Well, it is good to hear from you again and I'm glad to hear that you are hopefully doing well.

Take care,

Flower
silversword
15 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Thanks Flower. Sorry to hear you've been ill. It's hit us hard this year too.

Semi-estranged is a good word for it. I'll talk if they call, I have my daughter stay in contact with her grandparents. No one is being punished or made to suffer needlessly. Including me.

I wish it weren't like this but I feel that all the effort is coming from my side and it's wearying. I did get validation from a family member who is having the EXACT same issues with my mother that led to our estrangement. So at least I don't feel crazy or like a spoiled child or like I'm blowing this out of proportion anymore.
Mary_
15 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I found this forum from a Google Search. I am estranged from my Dad, I haven't seen him since I was in my mid-20s. I am middle-aged now.

The earlier post about "Adults Estranged from Parents" was at this URL: http://ths.gardenweb.com/forums/load/singles/msg0816055222388.html

It is at full capacity to post, so I am posting here under a thread with the same name. Even if some of the info is old, I read through most of it relating to others' stories.

My parents are alcoholics. My mom is a very negative person, but shouldered raising me and my brother. I try to have a relationship with her, but her negativity and near-constant criticisms (of everything) make me feel very down most of the time. Abusing alcohol makes her worse in her negativity and view on life. There are times I thought of cutting off all contact, but because I have 2 children, she wants to see them time to time. I've tried to talk to her about minimizing the criticism and treating me like I am still a child. She knows it's wrong, but she stays in that frame of mind.

The good part is I have a good relationship with my husband who also comes from a tormented family. His parents would probably be considered toxic, too.

My parents divorced when I was 10. My dad had cheated on my mom and his presence in my life waned more and more as I got into high school. As an adult I have seen him in person maybe 3 times. As a middle-aged person, I really don't care if I see him again or not, because the pain of abandonment has been so long ago. He is a stranger to me.

I want to be free of the family drama and have a very positive life. I don't abuse drugs, but sometimes I feel I have very low self esteem. I don't want to be like my parents and so far in many ways, I am not. But their shadows are sometimes there in my behaviour.

Reading a book called Toxic Parents by Dr. Susan Forward is helping me work on this issue.

Here is a link that might be useful: Adults Estranged from Parents
elizabeth_b
15 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Wow! I guess I am not the only one! Whew! I can't tell you what a relief it has been to me to read through these posts (including the "hit the limit" thread). For the past 2 decades I have thought I was alone in the desire to have no relationship with my parents. It feels good to know I am not.

I haven't been here before...so in a nutshell, I am single, 45, no children, female and have a very good professional career.

Today my parents received the letter from me stating that I wished no more contact either via e-mail, phone or in person. For many reasons, it is the right thing to do...just as it was for many of you. I don't regret sending it ~ it will be the best for me.

My only concern is how the rest of the family responds to me as a result. All I have concluded is that I am taking care of myself and if my siblings choose to stay in a dysfunctional family system, that is there choice.

I love being single and dating and I look forward to "meeting" many of you here in the coming days and months!!!!

Elizabeth
silversword
15 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Hi Mary and Elizabeth,
This forum is pretty slow... I'm so sorry you both are having issues with your parents.
~Silver
silvia_ago
15 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Hi to everyone, I found this forum with google and I can just say I am so happy to have found a place where I feel less alone... I relare to everyone, especially to sage121 as I'm too in the process of estrangement from my parents and only brother after 32 years of denial that anything was wrong of out of place... when I first confronted them I felt like the ground was opening beneath to swallow me, but after that and a long work on myself, I am finally beginning to enjoy life as I deserve...
I wanted to cite this sentence from silver:
"I can forgive someone, meaning that I no longer hold something against them. Forgiving them, doesn't mean I trust them. Trust needs to be earned. A simple "I'm sorry" doesn't rebuild trust after years of emotional and sometimes physical abuse. Especially, when their bad behavior continues after they have said they are sorry."
that is expecially true. at first you are so angry, also because you're disappointed that yours are not the perfect parents, but just human persons with their defects. then you come to terms with their humanity, and start to go on with your life; but this doesn't mean that you trust them back: no matter they said they're sorry and want to make amends, when all they believe is that they have done their best and you're just being difficult about silly things... and they go on as before.
they keep telling that mine was not an abusive family and for most part it's true, they didnt beat me, or come home drunk, but I remember-and this is the first time I talk about this ever to anyone-that a friend of my brother who's 5 years older than me use to be abusive of me from 6 to 10 years old, touching me and making me touch him... my mother became aware of that and instead of kicking the boy out, spoke to me telling that "I had to stop letting him do those things or she would be forced to tell dad and he would make him leave"...I was 6 or 7, and had no means to make him stop... but he was best buddy with my brother who of course is parents' pet, and at the time I was just so focused on getting the love of my big bro' that for years I endured his abuse in secret for fear of him being kicked out and my brother put the blame on me.
I felt, god, still feel so dirty and ashamed of this that I've never told anyone, but that was just a big situation in which my parents (especially my mom) refused to side up with me, leaving me with the weight of doing myself what should have been their job, protect me. my brother, on the other hand, has always been the sicky mommy's boy, so even through his adulthood, they've felt their responsibility to shelter him from any thing bad... while I was the tough one who could do by herself, and they take for granted every thing that I accomplish. which they say, is because they have great esteem in my abilities, and I say, ok it's flattering, but hey, your're my parents, it would be nice to have a little cheering from you from time to time.
moreover, I choose academic research while he's in industry, so he has a fairly easier life than mine: a permanent, secure job, a house, a wife in the same condition while on the other hand, I have a fellowship which last a year, my partner has a temporary job and obviously we are in a rented house 'cause we can't afford to buy one... but HE is the poor one, the one who needs their help, while we're tough and somehow, we'll manage.... they also started to take big life (and economic) decisions which favoured him (for example, they're having a baby soon-first grandchild) and they're deciding to sell everything at home to buy a house to be near to him, in case he needs any help with the baby... leaving me by myself, for the future too. and I can bet that once they are old they will "offer" (cause obviosly, they say it's them who offer, not the golden boy who asks) to move in bro's small house, leaving them the big hose with the garden...
I tried to talk them out of this madness, but they refuse to think that it's wrong, keep saying they would do the same for me, if I were in his shoes... but I know it's just b*****it. we talked about is some time ago (as they're getting older and live some time from here) telling them 'why dont you come to live closer?' (also to try being the perfect little girl and please them) and they kept stalling the decision to look for houses, and then, weeks after my bro told them they're expecting, they merrily announced they were making plans to sell their house and they were looking at new ones near him....
I feel so bad, angry, frustrated, disillusioned...guilty when they call me and seem so sad, and then angry again with myself for feeling guilty.... my partner too is involved as they treated him with poor respect in some occasions (and he doen't want anything to do with them) and every time they keep saying that they've done nothing wrong... I've been in this trap for years, until I realized that I had started to hurt him in order to avoid confronting my parents as it would leed to their disappointment in me, and because I refused to aknowledge the truth of my dysfunctional family... I also felt so ashamed of this situation (of me barely talking to them)....also because here (I'm italian) it is almost a public disgrace not to feel bound to one's family, something people should never know about.
I am trying to keep my head up but it's hard.
it's good to know that I'm not alone... big hug to everyone!

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