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Adults Estranged from Parents

flowergardenmuse

15 years ago

This post is a continuation of the previous Adults Estranged from Parents as it has reached it limit for number of postings.

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flowergardenmuse
Original Author
15 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
For anyone who finds themselves here seeking help with estrangement issues--I am posting a link to a site below, which I've found very helpful.

It is up-to-date, is run by a professional counselor/psychologist and offers many articles as well as current research on the subject.

Here is a link that might be useful: E-Stranged
silversword
15 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Hi Flower,
I hope you're doing well. I continue to be semi-estranged from my mother (we talk, but it's superficial and she still blames me). It's sad. But she is toxic and I have a really hard time wanting to reconnect with her when I realize how much she's lied, and how much that has impacted my life.

There's not much anyone can do to help me.

I find myself pulling away from my dad too now. I wonder how much I'm still expecting them to be the adults and our roles... in normal families (haha) is it like this?

Basically I realized that my dad has put me in the middle of his issues with my SM for the past 15 years. I realize now that he has been playing both sides. And he realizes it too, to some extent. But the whole thing just makes me weary. My SM exhausts me, and my dad is at that point too. I just really do not enjoy his company anymore. Which is really sad for me to say.

I LOVE him and (I love my mom too). I'm just exhausted with dealing with them.
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Wow! I thought my son was bad but still ... I can relate on some level to these comments and stories. I always say no one can break your heart like your own child. It's a different kind of heartbreak that slices through to your soul. My son is a good young man but man oh man is he stubborn. Stubborn to the point it's heartbreaking. Just got off the phone with him asking what are his plans for the future. His response was, "You know, I am not going to talk to you because you just disrespected and insulted me." I'm thinking, "How on earth is asking what your future plans are disrespecting and insulting?" He just doesn't want to plan a future, no goal, no college, nothing. Next he'll go on silence for a while. Mind you, he was married a little over a year ago, New Year's Eve 2013. After I told him he's too young at 25. Young in terms of not planning a future. He went and married anyways to prove me wrong. Well, I was right, now he's going through a divorce. His wife is divorcing for the same reason I am questioning him ... no ambition. But he can't see the ocean because of the waves. My son is an only child who has had the best life. Better than all his cousins by a long shot but he can't see this either. He complains and blames. For what?! I have no idea. I made his life so comfortable. Yes, it is narcissism. He feels he doesn't have to do anything. Both his father and I, who never married are products of education. We both pursued college degrees and entered the workforce. His father was never really a part of his life but he sent monetary support. Me, I was the sole breadwinner with a nice career that I grew tired of and now back in college to make a career change. So I have no idea how to motivate him and at times feel I am at fault. Thank you oilpainter for your words, " Their actions are THEIRS not yours, and it does not mean you have no value." I was struggling a bit after the phone call till I read your words. Maybe it's me and my expectations. Well, I'm going to heed the words I've lived with all my life that have served me well - If you don't know what to do then pray. And I'm going to speak with a therapist. I need some counseling. One child, two children, three children ... it doesn't matter. I have one and it's just as hard.
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Jan, You are a kind and compassionate woman. Thank you for caring about all of us. In laws can destroy relationships. Although my marriage was destroyed by many factors, the learning experience has enabled me to help my daughter save her marriage from her jealous mother in law. She wanted to keep getting my support and not supporting me in return, so I am now pretty much estranged from her and her sister. They model after my irresponsible, lying, abusive X. The estrangement drags me down, but I try to keep on going despite it. I can only change/improve myself and my life. They are free of to live their own lives. I have 2 grandsons who live out of state and my daughter has not denied me a relationship of sorts with them. This is not what I expected at all, as I devoted my all to raise them. I am very sorry for your heartache, but adult children seem to go their own way and they do not need us anymore. Some want us, like your daughter wants you, but sons seem to either be devoted to their Mothers, while others cling to their wives. My Mother was loved by all and she handled the son/daughter in laws by accepting invitations when invited, not asking them for anything, being respectful and nice to all and letting them live their own lives as they saw fit. I am not my Mother, nor a doormat, so I have a much tougher time with relationships because I express my views and try to protect myself from abuse; I have a few close friends and relatives, but not many. Please let us know how you are doing and if you find a way to mend the rift.
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Hello Dave, Sage and everyone, Sage, my mother and father behaved the same--my mother would tell me (I think she did the same to my sisters) how terrible we were as children. She would tell me that I was horrible and a brat. She would complain about how awful I behaved. They gave me nicknames such as bratty_____. I think she just felt deficient and turned it all around and put it all back on me. My sisters claimed that I was favored and both poured forth their resentment towards me in abundance. Both told me that they felt I was a "f***ing spoiled brat. One told me that I deserved to get slapped and hit. She said this after I tried (many times) to tell her part of the reasons why I am not close to my oldest sister, why I feel distant and wary of her. She hit and slapped me across the face and had a very explosive rageful temper. It was like dealing with a type of jekyll & hyde type of person. I never felt comfortable or safe around her. I've tried several times to talk to them about how it feels to be on the receiving end of their behaviors and what it did to the relationship. They cannot hear my emotional pain, dismiss my feelings as "too sensitive" or dismiss me as mentally ill, etc. All it does is that they twist what I say, make excuses or turn it into all about themselves. It is always about them. They don't ever take any personal responsibility for anything. They cannot connect to my feelings or emotions as it is all about them. Connecting to my emotions for them means that they talk about themselves, or try to deny my reality and tell me how I should respond and feel. They always try to fix me. Apparently they feel that I'm broken and a big disappointment. They cannot feel good about themselves unless they poison the relationship with belittling or criticizing me. That have to feel one-up all the time. They were physically abusive and emotionally abusive. They all slapped me in the face, hit, whipped, shook me, or pinned me to the wall, except the middle sister (who is also older than me). According to them I deserved it, because I was horrible or a brat, etc. I have a scar on my chin and I was told by my eldest sister that my father hit me when I was a toddler and it split my chin open. They had to rush me to a hospital. She also told me that I wasn't wanted as a baby and child. She said that my father didn't want another child and so he apparently was abusive to our mother while she was pregnant, because he resented her being pregnant with me. Later, when I asked my mother about the situation her response was to say that my eldest sister was the one who didn't want me around. She said that she didn't want me. Can you imagine how hurtful it was to hear all of this. Another time when I was just a kid (maybe 5 or 6), I put a pill up my nose (kids do silly things). My father told me to hold my nostril and blow to get it out and then he really thumped me in the head (which really hurt) and when I started to cry, all he did was laugh about it. Another time he was cruelly teasing me at the dinner table and my sisters and mother were present, I kept telling him to stop and he wouldn't. I started crying and left the table and all he said was that it was good sensitivity training. My mother didn't do anything. She never intervened while he bullied and abused me. My sisters just watched and learned from his expert instruction. They are emotional bullies. The only person who didn't hit me was my middle sister (or I can't recall), but she let me take the heat for her and didn't speak up when I got punished for something that she did. The way she assaults is through her words and actions, but she doesn't assault me physically. She makes huge issues about gifts. Actually both of my sisters do. Apparently the eldest felt ripped off because she felt she was more generous financially giving me gifts, than I was with her. The other flew into a hissy fit because I didn't send a thank you note right away--I sent it within a month's time frame. Apparently she didn't either get it or she had a very rigid time frame (less than a month) or it was unacceptable. She sent letters loaded with sarcasm (her special brand of cruelty). Dave, I can relate to what you said also about the sadness you felt as a child. You mother demonstrated a complete lack of empathy for you and once again turned it into all about her. Her focus was all about herself and still is. I experience my mother as similar, although as I got older I filled the role of being empathetic towards her, so she felt closer to me than my sisters, because I finally had a use for her--I was no longer the horrible toddler/child that she had to put up with. Now I could listen to all of her problems and be her therapist. I've found myself in this role with many women. I think my mother-in-law may have had NPD or she was just a narcissist. My own mother I experienced as emotionally unavailable, and I think she did have a personality disorder, but I don't think her problem was NPD. She's been diagnosed with something else, which I may talk about at a later date. Well, I've written enough for today... Flower
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Hi everyone reading, Hello Josi! Glad you are still here, good to hear from you! :) I was away for a few days visiting friends. Hard to know what to post, I struggle with that too. I think we are all looking for feedback, advice, and maybe a new view on our own situation, something we have never thought of before. That is what I am looking for anyways, and have found. I hope my experience can help others, even in some small way. I appreciate honest opinions and feedback, even though they may not always be completely applicable to 'me', since nobody knows all the details of my life. I was in a bad relationship too, an alchoholic who was abusive. Funny how that happens, as that is how my father was. You always hear about how we repeat our parents patterns, but never think it will happen to you. Same thing, people always had great things to say about him, and when I was unhappy with the relationship. I felt guilty and I blamed myself. Same thing as my parents did to me, blamed me, made me feel flawed. We did love eachother, but I realized after the fact that we did not share the same core values, and simply did not get along on a day to day basis. I didn't like his family, and they didn't like me. Why stay with someone when your co-existence is not happy? I don't know why I stayed. But I stayed and stayed and stayed. Hoping it would get better. Yes, I tried to change him. I had fears of leaving, being alone, didn't feel anyone else would ever love me. It ended horribly. But leaving him was the best thing I ever did. I remember the day I left, it was like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders. My self esteem was very low, I felt ugly. But I made some big changes in my life at that time. And as you described so well, I created the person I wanted to be, the 'real' me. My marriage right now is a stark contrast to my former relationship as well, the two could not be more different! While I feel lucky, I also feel that the changes I made in my life after leaving my ex were very positive on many levels, which allowed me to meet someone as wonderful as my husband. You said: "But I had finally gotten to the point where I could see that clearly, I got nothing good out of the marriage. I catered to all his emotional needs as well as acted like some sort of caregiver-slash-personal assistant, yet he was completely removed from my life, my friends, my feelings. So I starting to think, you know, good riddance. I have nothing to lose." Well said Josi, I can relate to those feelings. You get to a point where there is nothing to lose - and only something to gain. I feel the same way with the relationship with my parents, it had gotten to the point where there was just no common ground. And the worst part of it was, I didn't feel my parents wanted to try to find any common ground. They maintained their staunch 'I am right-you are wrong' attitude no matter how much I spilled my guts, and tried to get through to them. I just wanted them to say 'I care'. That never happened. You said: "...I had a close friend, actually an ex-boyfriend who honestly told me that things around me wouldn't change unless I changed myself." So very true, it took me what seems like forever to really believe this. We have to take responsibility for our own lives. Whether it is the relationship with our parents, our spouse or our friends. We are in control of how we feel and we dictate how others treat us. We are not victims of circumstance. "If I didn't like to be perceived a certain way, I had to quit presenting myself that way, because that wasn't the real me." Well said, again! My mother likes to maintain the greeting card relationship with me, that was the biggest part of our relationship from many many years. It was the minimal contact, and I was OK with that for a long time. I think that may have ended now. Or maybe not. We'll see. I want it to end. Although she did send my husband a birthday card a couple months ago. I know what you mean by hanging onto any shred of hope though. I used to do that too and when I was in a place of 'minimal contact' with them, I found myself in more turmoil then, than I do right now - which is without any contact at all since January. But it is a very personal decision that only you can make when the time is right. Josi, I think it was Dave who said this awhile ago.....you don't have to decide right now what you are going to do, or where your relationship will end up with your parents. Perhaps you will become completely estranged, or maybe slowly reconcile. I know how conflicting the feelings are though, it is not easy. Go with what feels right for you. Congratulations on your new house! That is very exciting. I think it is natural to want to share big events like that with your parents, I know I did that myself for many years, but was often just disappointed with their reactions. I feel now, in hindsight, that they didn't really want me to be happy and successful for some reason. They were not really what I would call successful or happy themselves, so maybe that had something to do with it. Nothing ever really impressed them, and they were always so judgemental, nothing was ever quite good enough. What they think, and their opinions do not matter at the present moment. What matters is what you think, and what your friends and family who love and support you and your husband think. And what I have found is that those who truly do love us, support us with things that make us happy and that we consider accomplishments. Easier said than done, and I don't say this 'off the cuff'. It is something I am working hard on doing myself and it has not been easy. I find myself slipping into thoughts about worrying what my parents are saying to others about me now that I have cut off contact with them. I don't know why I care, but I do. I just know my mother has a way of twisting things that is so frustrating. My whole life I have always felt on the defensive with her, explaining myself. It is a relief to not do that anymore. Thanks for posting Josi, you have alot of good thoughts to share which I always find inspiring. Hang in there with your parents, I hope you will find some peace-of-mind with the situation, I know it is not an easy situation. Sage
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flowergardenmuse
Original Author
15 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Hi Silver,

It is good to hear a word from you. I posted then forgot and have been sick too. I'm sorry that your situation has remained the same, but it sounds, despite the situation, that you are doing what you need and taking care of yourself. I can relate to that and really that is all one can do.

I know what you mean. I'm basically semi-estranged too and I doubt it will change. My interest in the subject waxes and wanes and still becomes more intense during the holidays...less so at other times. I wrote posts with the link at the parent's site, but I really wonder about what it is that people truly desire and I sincerely doubt it is change that may be asked of them to open their hearts to another's experience. Oh well...I guess that is the nature of many and part of the human experience.

I can relate to what you say about your feeling exhausted with dealing with them. That is a constant with me.

I've found that other site that I posted the link too helpful and more constructive than other sites dealing with the same issues. I go there from time to time as the mood and need hits. Other than that there is very little that I can do.

This economy sucks bigtime and creates additional strain. Well, it is good to hear from you again and I'm glad to hear that you are hopefully doing well.

Take care,

Flower
silversword
15 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Thanks Flower. Sorry to hear you've been ill. It's hit us hard this year too.

Semi-estranged is a good word for it. I'll talk if they call, I have my daughter stay in contact with her grandparents. No one is being punished or made to suffer needlessly. Including me.

I wish it weren't like this but I feel that all the effort is coming from my side and it's wearying. I did get validation from a family member who is having the EXACT same issues with my mother that led to our estrangement. So at least I don't feel crazy or like a spoiled child or like I'm blowing this out of proportion anymore.
Mary_
15 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I found this forum from a Google Search. I am estranged from my Dad, I haven't seen him since I was in my mid-20s. I am middle-aged now.

The earlier post about "Adults Estranged from Parents" was at this URL: http://ths.gardenweb.com/forums/load/singles/msg0816055222388.html

It is at full capacity to post, so I am posting here under a thread with the same name. Even if some of the info is old, I read through most of it relating to others' stories.

My parents are alcoholics. My mom is a very negative person, but shouldered raising me and my brother. I try to have a relationship with her, but her negativity and near-constant criticisms (of everything) make me feel very down most of the time. Abusing alcohol makes her worse in her negativity and view on life. There are times I thought of cutting off all contact, but because I have 2 children, she wants to see them time to time. I've tried to talk to her about minimizing the criticism and treating me like I am still a child. She knows it's wrong, but she stays in that frame of mind.

The good part is I have a good relationship with my husband who also comes from a tormented family. His parents would probably be considered toxic, too.

My parents divorced when I was 10. My dad had cheated on my mom and his presence in my life waned more and more as I got into high school. As an adult I have seen him in person maybe 3 times. As a middle-aged person, I really don't care if I see him again or not, because the pain of abandonment has been so long ago. He is a stranger to me.

I want to be free of the family drama and have a very positive life. I don't abuse drugs, but sometimes I feel I have very low self esteem. I don't want to be like my parents and so far in many ways, I am not. But their shadows are sometimes there in my behaviour.

Reading a book called Toxic Parents by Dr. Susan Forward is helping me work on this issue.

Here is a link that might be useful: Adults Estranged from Parents
elizabeth_b
15 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Wow! I guess I am not the only one! Whew! I can't tell you what a relief it has been to me to read through these posts (including the "hit the limit" thread). For the past 2 decades I have thought I was alone in the desire to have no relationship with my parents. It feels good to know I am not.

I haven't been here before...so in a nutshell, I am single, 45, no children, female and have a very good professional career.

Today my parents received the letter from me stating that I wished no more contact either via e-mail, phone or in person. For many reasons, it is the right thing to do...just as it was for many of you. I don't regret sending it ~ it will be the best for me.

My only concern is how the rest of the family responds to me as a result. All I have concluded is that I am taking care of myself and if my siblings choose to stay in a dysfunctional family system, that is there choice.

I love being single and dating and I look forward to "meeting" many of you here in the coming days and months!!!!

Elizabeth
silversword
15 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Hi Mary and Elizabeth,
This forum is pretty slow... I'm so sorry you both are having issues with your parents.
~Silver
silvia_ago
15 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Hi to everyone, I found this forum with google and I can just say I am so happy to have found a place where I feel less alone... I relare to everyone, especially to sage121 as I'm too in the process of estrangement from my parents and only brother after 32 years of denial that anything was wrong of out of place... when I first confronted them I felt like the ground was opening beneath to swallow me, but after that and a long work on myself, I am finally beginning to enjoy life as I deserve...
I wanted to cite this sentence from silver:
"I can forgive someone, meaning that I no longer hold something against them. Forgiving them, doesn't mean I trust them. Trust needs to be earned. A simple "I'm sorry" doesn't rebuild trust after years of emotional and sometimes physical abuse. Especially, when their bad behavior continues after they have said they are sorry."
that is expecially true. at first you are so angry, also because you're disappointed that yours are not the perfect parents, but just human persons with their defects. then you come to terms with their humanity, and start to go on with your life; but this doesn't mean that you trust them back: no matter they said they're sorry and want to make amends, when all they believe is that they have done their best and you're just being difficult about silly things... and they go on as before.
they keep telling that mine was not an abusive family and for most part it's true, they didnt beat me, or come home drunk, but I remember-and this is the first time I talk about this ever to anyone-that a friend of my brother who's 5 years older than me use to be abusive of me from 6 to 10 years old, touching me and making me touch him... my mother became aware of that and instead of kicking the boy out, spoke to me telling that "I had to stop letting him do those things or she would be forced to tell dad and he would make him leave"...I was 6 or 7, and had no means to make him stop... but he was best buddy with my brother who of course is parents' pet, and at the time I was just so focused on getting the love of my big bro' that for years I endured his abuse in secret for fear of him being kicked out and my brother put the blame on me.
I felt, god, still feel so dirty and ashamed of this that I've never told anyone, but that was just a big situation in which my parents (especially my mom) refused to side up with me, leaving me with the weight of doing myself what should have been their job, protect me. my brother, on the other hand, has always been the sicky mommy's boy, so even through his adulthood, they've felt their responsibility to shelter him from any thing bad... while I was the tough one who could do by herself, and they take for granted every thing that I accomplish. which they say, is because they have great esteem in my abilities, and I say, ok it's flattering, but hey, your're my parents, it would be nice to have a little cheering from you from time to time.
moreover, I choose academic research while he's in industry, so he has a fairly easier life than mine: a permanent, secure job, a house, a wife in the same condition while on the other hand, I have a fellowship which last a year, my partner has a temporary job and obviously we are in a rented house 'cause we can't afford to buy one... but HE is the poor one, the one who needs their help, while we're tough and somehow, we'll manage.... they also started to take big life (and economic) decisions which favoured him (for example, they're having a baby soon-first grandchild) and they're deciding to sell everything at home to buy a house to be near to him, in case he needs any help with the baby... leaving me by myself, for the future too. and I can bet that once they are old they will "offer" (cause obviosly, they say it's them who offer, not the golden boy who asks) to move in bro's small house, leaving them the big hose with the garden...
I tried to talk them out of this madness, but they refuse to think that it's wrong, keep saying they would do the same for me, if I were in his shoes... but I know it's just b*****it. we talked about is some time ago (as they're getting older and live some time from here) telling them 'why dont you come to live closer?' (also to try being the perfect little girl and please them) and they kept stalling the decision to look for houses, and then, weeks after my bro told them they're expecting, they merrily announced they were making plans to sell their house and they were looking at new ones near him....
I feel so bad, angry, frustrated, disillusioned...guilty when they call me and seem so sad, and then angry again with myself for feeling guilty.... my partner too is involved as they treated him with poor respect in some occasions (and he doen't want anything to do with them) and every time they keep saying that they've done nothing wrong... I've been in this trap for years, until I realized that I had started to hurt him in order to avoid confronting my parents as it would leed to their disappointment in me, and because I refused to aknowledge the truth of my dysfunctional family... I also felt so ashamed of this situation (of me barely talking to them)....also because here (I'm italian) it is almost a public disgrace not to feel bound to one's family, something people should never know about.
I am trying to keep my head up but it's hard.
it's good to know that I'm not alone... big hug to everyone!

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