parents of estranged adult children
jan09
16 years ago
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SOMEONESTOLEDMYHEART
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The Undeserving Parent
Comments (12)From the Garden Web Parenting Forums same observations in the comments, same pattern and similar theme: Posted by Tenille (My Page) on Sun, Jan 15, 12 at 22:02 "I have read your stories, and I want to thank you for posting them. I frequent forums for adult children who have severed ties with their parents, and it is eye-opening to read the other side of the coin. I benefit from knowing your experiences, and I am so sorry for your losses. My children do not know their grandparents. They do not see them on holidays and certainly have never slept over at their houses. As parents, my husband and I were faced with a big decision. Did we want to protect our children from the alcoholic, vitriolic, self-absorbed people who raised us? or did we want to expose our children to them so that our children would have grandparents, as other children do? and so that our parents wouldn't feel the heartache that many of you feel? Well, we made the choice to deprive our children and break our parents' hearts. We've never been happier! Our middle child no longer sits in the shadow while my mother shows obvious favoritism to my oldest. Our answering machine no longer contains maudlin messages from my drunk mother-in-law as she toys with committing suicide over cancelled plans. My father-in-law still calls on my mother-in-law's behalf, but we don't ever pick up. They are broken, miserable people. Before my husband and I quit dealing them, they were...broken, miserable people. My children, while certainly exceptional in every way, are not capable of repairing the damage in my in-laws and parents, and I wouldn't dream of subjecting my dear children to such precarious personalities. I realize that many of you have been blind-sided by the distance between you and your offspring. I don't doubt that many of you are dealing with hurtful people, perhaps of the same ilk as my relatives. I will be thinking of you and hoping that you find continued happiness through venues other than the jerks in your life. You may as well give up on the jerks. They will only cause you pain, no matter what your relation. I hope those of you who are the jerks find happiness, too. Maybe, when you aren't reliant on your children's children for fulfillment, some of your children will begin to embrace your involvement. I hope things work out for all of you. Thanks for letting me in on on your group." Here is a link that might be useful: RE: Parents of Estranged Adult Children...See MoreFor those whose adult children are estranged....
Comments (27)Hello, i'm new to this, but felt i really needed to reach out because i feel i'm at my darkest hour and i really need someone to tell me i'm not alone. I have two children, ages 19 (daughter) and 16(son), their father and i divorced 6 years ago, and under special circumstances, he was the primary guardian and i the secondary one. In 2007 i made the worst decision of my life, i had gotten remarried to someone in Jordan, i was only supposed to be there for three months. 1 year and a half later, i finally managed to escape and come back home. My ordeal in Jordan was severely traumatic, i was severely abused, tortured, and left for dead. I remember calling my ex-husband here in canada to help me because i knew i would die there if someone didn't get me out, what i got was 'you made your bed, you can lie in it, as for the children, if you ever want to see them again, you'll have to go through family court'. When i heard the dial tone i felt all was lost. Somehow, i made it back, the only thing keeping me alive everyday i was tortured was the thought of seeing my children again ( my children and i were extremely close before i left, and i never foresaw that my passport and all my ID would be taken,,). Once i came back i was in for a huge shock. In the time that i was gone, it didn't take long for my ex-husband to tell the children that i had chosen to stay and didn't want anything to do with them. They were so young, and he broke their hearts, i never knew any of this until i had come back. I came back in 2009 and i have tried everything, i was patient and i loved them without bounds, and over and over again i tried to prove myself to them, but the damage has been done. With all of this, i moved back with my parents and my children are with their father on a military base. They are only 4 hours away, but i am not to call, write, or even visit. My daughter has told me she wants nothing to do with me, as for my son, his father has told him he wants nothing to do with me, but that if he wants to he can. What child would ever go against their parent if they're the one with the money and house, etc.? I'm in school and am graduating in about 2 weeks. Once i get a salary, i'll be saving money to get my own place, etc. Not a night goes by where i don't cry or miss my children so much that the pain is killing me everyday, i really feel i have no purpose in life anymore, my children were my world, and they don't want to have anything to do with me, it's been like this since i left, but even worse since 2009. My daughter has openly admitted that she could not care if i lived or died and wants no communication from me, as for my son, he will not communicate at all, they have my phone number and email,,but nothing,,,i feel this pain will completely crush me and i have no idea what to do,,,the oeverwhelming hatred i feel for my ex is also wearing me out,,,i just want to know if things do get better as time goes by, and if it doesn't, how do i go on living when i hear their voices in my head from when they were young children all the time?...See Moreestrangement from adult children
Comments (93)Wow! I thought my son was bad but still ... I can relate on some level to these comments and stories. I always say no one can break your heart like your own child. It's a different kind of heartbreak that slices through to your soul. My son is a good young man but man oh man is he stubborn. Stubborn to the point it's heartbreaking. Just got off the phone with him asking what are his plans for the future. His response was, "You know, I am not going to talk to you because you just disrespected and insulted me." I'm thinking, "How on earth is asking what your future plans are disrespecting and insulting?" He just doesn't want to plan a future, no goal, no college, nothing. Next he'll go on silence for a while. Mind you, he was married a little over a year ago, New Year's Eve 2013. After I told him he's too young at 25. Young in terms of not planning a future. He went and married anyways to prove me wrong. Well, I was right, now he's going through a divorce. His wife is divorcing for the same reason I am questioning him ... no ambition. But he can't see the ocean because of the waves. My son is an only child who has had the best life. Better than all his cousins by a long shot but he can't see this either. He complains and blames. For what?! I have no idea. I made his life so comfortable. Yes, it is narcissism. He feels he doesn't have to do anything. Both his father and I, who never married are products of education. We both pursued college degrees and entered the workforce. His father was never really a part of his life but he sent monetary support. Me, I was the sole breadwinner with a nice career that I grew tired of and now back in college to make a career change. So I have no idea how to motivate him and at times feel I am at fault. Thank you oilpainter for your words, " Their actions are THEIRS not yours, and it does not mean you have no value." I was struggling a bit after the phone call till I read your words. Maybe it's me and my expectations. Well, I'm going to heed the words I've lived with all my life that have served me well - If you don't know what to do then pray. And I'm going to speak with a therapist. I need some counseling. One child, two children, three children ... it doesn't matter. I have one and it's just as hard....See MoreEstranged Adult children
Comments (39)I am the mother of a son who is 34. My son was diagnosed with ADHD when he was very young. His father and I divorced when he was almost 3. It was just he and I until I remarried when he was 11. I have always been there for my son. He was very active and is very bright, but could not focus very well in school. He didn't have a mean bone in his body. He was never aggressive. He did attend college for a year, but dropped out. No one is perfect. I made mistakes, but I have always loved my son and really tried to be a loving and caring mom. He was very immature, but around 30 years old I saw him begin to mature. Every time we talked on the phone he would end each conversation with "I love you Mom". He has had a girlfriend for about the last 4 years. I have never interfered with his choices of friends since he's been grown. I will be honest here. I'm not very fond of his girlfriend. She has a lot of issues. She was abandoned by her mother when she was a baby and I don't think she got much love from her stepmother. She is very domineering and moody. With all honesty I can say I have never said an unkind word to her. I have shown her kindness. I took care of her daughter for 9 days (who was 11 years old) when she and my son went on vacation. They didn't give the child any money nor did she thank us when they returned. I bought her daughter (who likes to paint) brushes, paint, drawing pads, etc. and was glad to do it. I know I'm getting pretty wordy, but I need to vent. Their relationship has been rocky. My son would come home after a fight until I told him that he could not continue to run home every time they had a fight. I told him he had to decide - either he would be with her or not. This was a couple of years ago. I thought things had improved in their relationship. I never ask about their relationship. They are grown. Eight months ago she called me and told me she was pregnant. I admit my first reaction was one of concern. I didn't know if they were getting along or not. However, she assured me they were doing fine and I told her I was very happy for them. Everything was going fine until about a week later I got a call from my son asking me to come pick him up he was moving out. I told him I couldn't drop every thing at that very moment but if he was sure I would come as soon as I could. Well that wasn't good enough for him. If I couldn't come at that instant than not to bother and he hung up on me. Well he went to say with his biological father (first time ever) for about a week and then returned to his girlfriend. He did call me and apologized. Since then I have had several conversations with his girlfriend about having a baby shower. Then all of a sudden the calls stopped. My son has not called me since the apology. I called and emailed and no one returned my calls. Finally, I called my son's job and he asked the receptionist to ask me if it was an emergency. I said no and to tell him I was just calling to see how he was doing. He never called back. Then I received an email from his girlfriend telling me that there was no need for ME to call their jobs. I had called her job before to talk about the baby shower or just to say hi. I admit I was upset and emailed her back and told her I would call my son's job, his cell or his home if I was concerned about him. I said that being a mother I was sure she could understand my concern. She wrote back and said as a mother should would not handle a non-emergency situation the way I had. This made no sense to me because I hadn't heard from either of them so how did I know what had happened. She also told me the baby shower had been postponed. This was about 2 weeks before it was suppose to take place. When I had called and left messages about the shower she didn't even bother to call me back. So this is where we are now. Oh yes, she sent me sonogram pictures of the baby. The only thing she said was here are pictures of your grandson. I have not called my son since he never returned any of my calls. I have not sent any more emails. My heart is breaking. I don't know what I could have said. If I am asked for advice or an opinion, I give it. One of the last conversations I had with the girlfriend she raised a couple of concerns about my son. I told her I could understand her concerns. I don't know what she has said to him and I'm beginning to think she could have told him anything. My son has never treated me like this before and I am at lost to understand it. Some days I am really sad because (as I use to tell him) I miss his face....See Morenaturenurture_hotmail_com
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