Adult child needs advice
secrecy
12 years ago
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Comments (26)
popi_gw
12 years agolast modified: 9 years agosecrecy
12 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
For mothers who are estranged from their adult child
Comments (151)Straycat.. This is exactly what I want to communicate in this documentary.. as I mentioned on another thread.. many of us have the same voice same stories same thoughts.. I think we have to band together and express ourselves.. what will our society be like in the future if this is an acceptable practice. You know that by treating us the way they do, they are showing their children that this is an appropriate behavior. I have been talking to Mark Sichel about this and he has agreed to be part of my video as well as an advisor.. he said "I have a great deal of information on this now for my second book which I may finish writing some day, but it's all about the success of relationships having to do with virtue & character. People need a higher purpose (like the correctness of family relationships) and a commitment to courage, humility, correctness....or the result is disastrous. Unfortunately the psychopathic narcissistic behavior is encouraged in our world by commercialism, corporate greed, etc" I think he is right on and at the same time.. I feel sadly as you do.. I could not let them in my life.. I could not trust them ever again... they are total strangers.. big big hugs.....See MoreEstrangement from adult child
Comments (166)I also stated just those words when my 5 children were small. My oldest was only 14 at the time and I was speaking with a neighbor and she told me she had not had contact with one of her son's for years. I was genuinely shocked. I did not know of such a horrific thing. Could that truly be? Nah, would never happen to me and my kids, NEVER. My eyes teared up as she spoke as I thought of my 3 sons and 2 daughters in a situation like that. I would just stop living and die for sure. Well, funny thing is life. My oldest son is now 27 in August and I have not had any contact with him since Sept. 26.2009. Almost 6 years. Guess what? I was right, I did die. My youngest son say's that mom must of died when West left. He saw it all, they all did. I did not cope well. I still have days and nights that are endless and unbearable. I can be strong for so long and not even think of him for months then a song on the radio or a tv show he liked, or one of my kids asks for me to cook a recipe that was his favorite and Im shattered like the day he left. I hope people do not judge, but yield to the notion that it can happen to anyone. Any parent. He was the one I always had time for, the one I watched sleep in his crib for 2 years just to look upon him. So beloved. My favorite person on this Earth. Even today. My good friend. I was shocked when I stumbled upon this thread. Each post speaks from my mouth, each tear falls from my eye. We are the same broken mommy. I will say, the one technique that saved me and my other children is Shunning. It is the only way. I stole or borrowed it I should say from the Jehovah's Witness neighbor that I have few homes down. It works for me. I feared all these years of my reaction to him coming back, calling , writing, bumping into him in public. I feared that my mommy instinct would be my downfall . I felt vulnerable and I did not want my family put through anymore of my sons psychopathy. I will never be a victim again. Shunning keeps everyone safe emotionally and physically for it will not allow me to respond to anything in any way. It is the only way. I worry that my love for him would leave me open to danger and to fall for his smooth ways just to be harmed in some way or my kids. Just cannot give him the benefit of the doubt ever. SHUNNING. I can sleep at night now. Less and less I think of him and those incredible 21 years I had in his presence. He is fading away now in my mind. We do not speak his name. Removed all photos and items of his. It feels like I never had that one child almost. It feels better this way, so odd but true. I could give a long story, but this is long enough. Just wanted to say I did not know so many mom's go through this crap too. And this is some crap boy, It rips you in half and you die. But through shunning, I have a hopeful future ahead, me and my 4 other children who love me and need me and don't want their brother to ever come back. they say "I miss Weston, but I don't miss all the stuff". The stuff, gosh there was A LOT of stuff. I tell them..."me too"....See MoreAdult Daughter of Step-Mother Need Advice
Comments (7)I want to bring up something that no one probably wants to consider, but should be considered, considering it is a reality with the elderly and the handicapped. Note: I am not implying anything...but if she is so resentful of you, and she is cold and indifferent to your sister, how do you think she treats your sister when no one is around? Is you sister able to communicate with you? The small gifts may be given to make your step mother look good in your fathers eyes. They may be to cover guilt. Or they may be perfectly innocent and come with good and kind intentions. I don't know, but consider all possibilities. My guess is that she adores your father, but resents the burden of your sister. And perhaps she is deeply bitter and resents your happy carefree life, while she struggles with the hard reality of caring for a totally dependant person, who is not her own offspring. (It is hard enough when it is your own child/sibling whom you love dearly, let alone when it is the enormous burden of being the caretaker for someone you do not love, but resent. Possibly even despise. She must wish that she was free as you are to enjoy her life and husband as you do with yours, without all of the responsibilities. A marriage with just your dad, able to go out to dinner alone together on a whim, enjoying a social life on a whim with friends, travel, hobbies/interests, and having her home all to herself whenever she wants. That is probably where the resentment and bitterness comes from. Perhaps she feels that you should be the full time caretaker of your beloved sister, (even though that may not be possible right now) and that she wishes that she and your dad had the carefree life of a normal marriage. Even when you are able to care for your sister one day, I would not expect her feelings towards you and your sister to change. As you read the step parent forum, you will find so many who describe their husband as wonderful. They adore their new spouse "BUT" hate his children. This seems to particularly true when the new wife gets pregnant with "their" child. The new wife then wants to push his children out of her "nest", and resents everything about them. (Read the forum). It sounds as if she wishes she had your dad all to herself...only you and your sister do exist, and she resents it. Like so many women on this forum, they are marrying a man that "first belonged" to another family with children. They want to pluck him out of his role as a father, move him to her nest and make him a father to her own children, and push his children further and further away, until she finially has him all to herself...hurting his chilren in the process. This she actually does to the man she professes to love. Anyway, you sound like an incredibly kind and loving person. And forgiving. Understand that her feelings towards you are probably not personal...but instead it sounds as though she is not the kind of woman who is able to embrace another womans children as her own, even if they did not come with the caretaking your sister needs. All you can do is help her and your dad in any way you can. I wish the best for you....See MoreHelp! stepsparent of adult child
Comments (65)Yeah, I guess I was doing the respecting for my husband, but partially because I m a mom too, and they are kids, with not the best of judgement for their ages, altho 5 years have passed and they should be wising up by now....I actually have not spoken to them since the wedding fiasco, where the 24 yr old wanted dad to pay half costs, he wont call anymore because we didnt pay...Thr 17 year old hasnt been here either since April, but he has a weekend job, and they live about an hour away, but dad calls him weekly and wants to set up a visit...But, he is hinting around for dad to buy him a car.The kid earns money and has a ton of money in the bank(dad does his taxes, so thats a fact)But kids mother told him he has NO money in the bank, and she controls it...So another case of dad the bad guy, wont pay for my brothers wedding, wont buy me a car..Dad works hard, I work, ex has never had a job in her life.Cries, cries cries, to the kids, get money off them..I wonder what will happen when the 17 yr old is emancipated and no money will be coming in to her, she is 54 years old....We cant be responsible for supporting her forever..Sigh..Seems so far away to be rid of her ...Sorry so long of a whine......Advice to keep sanity????...See Moresecrecy
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