I also was wondering about splitting up the furniture. Maybe the ex-wife had moved to a home that didn't have room for the complete set, or even just the sofa.

Sunny, TOS has a point about why would you want the sofa.

Is the sofa extraordinarily nice or unusual? Wouldn't you feel better just getting a new sofa for your new family room? And then say to SD and ex-wife, "Oh, we were going to get rid of it anyway. Thanks for taking it off our hands." This way, your SIL doesn't have to worry about getting her futon back, ex-wife will think she is getting your cast-offs, and you will get a brand-spanking-new sofa.

When DH and his ex divorced, he took nothing from the family home except the desk and chair in his office. Anyway, a couple years ago when ex-wife first moved to DC, the furniture she didn't want to take ended up stored in my barn. Why? Because the boys might need furniture some day. If you want, you can come by and help yourself.

TOS and Tamar, First of all it was in the divorce agreement (over 8 years ago) to split up the set. Bio mom lives in the same house as when they divorced so if it fits now I don't know why it wouldn't fit back then.
Second, it is a very nice piece of furniture the top of the line and DH and I love it.
Third, DH and I have used the sofa ourself and we have done our own activity on the sofa. I don't have a hang up about the past. I have let the past go. We our alot more happy now then we were in our previous marriages.
Fourth, I have a sofa chair from my previous marriage that matches wonderfully with the sofa and DH does not have a hang up about the past,either. We have furniture from both our pasts and they are top of the line quality, inturn, will last a long time. And because it is such good quality another good reason not to haul it around possibly causing damage to a good peice of furniture.
Fifth, we cannot afford a new sofa in a couple months when we will need it. When we no longer need the sofa or any of our other furniture and can afford a new sofa, than, if the SKs need furniture at that time we will give it to them. Why should we have to supply a sofa for bio mom and male friend? We have already given a bed free of charge for the SKs to use when they need it and stay there.
Sixth, we have a futon or air mattress that should be fine for 30 days for SD. Or maybe bio mom and male friend should get or purchase a sofa. This is one time bio mom can pay for something that will help out her daughter and then she will have a sofa. Side note: DH pays bio mom over $400.00 a month and will until bio mom dies (it was in the divorce agreement, DH had a bad lawyer and got screwed). So she could use that money one month to purchase a sofa.

TOS, think about this, why would bio mom want a sofa that DH and I have used for the last 6 years. Do you think bio mom should think about the activity we have performed on the sofa? Why would she want it? She has a matching love seat, well we have a matching sofa chair.

We thought male friend is/was a romantic friend of bio mom because the stepkids talk as if he is a boyfriend of bio moms. I am sure they sleep together in the same bed. He has lived there for over a year. So in my opinion they can let SD sleep in the other bed. So this is Bio mom's way to get a free sofa and cause problems. DH and I would never ask for anything of her. We would go purchase what we need for the kids. I don't know but I am sure boyfriend pays bills and knowing bio mom he maybe pays all the bills. This inturn would allow bio mom even more money to go purchase her own couch that matches her love seat.

So TOS and Tamar, Do you have anymore questions? As you can see there is no real reason to haul a large and heavy nice sofa that we love 90 minutes one way for 30 days. I don't care who would have requested this sofa. I would not do this for anyone under these circumstances. This is not necessary.
I just knew TOS would try and defend bio mom, but this is a clear case of inappropriate behavior and unneccessary need/creed. After reading the above information, do you see any other reason to defend manipulating bio mom and SDs inappropriate behavior and requests?

Please respond to the above post. I would like to hear your respond and maybe I can understand where bio mom and SD are coming from. Thanks.

I have to say if a couch that had been shared by me and X was in storage, I would ask if I could have it. Although we did manage to avoid splitting any sets of anything.

kkny, It and a few other items of furniture have only been in storage a short time about 3 months until we get our family room finished off. We have started completing the family room and will be needing the sofa in a couple months. So it makes sense to you kkny to haul a heavy sofa 90 minutes one way for 30 days? I left this out but, also, my DH and I both have bad back and will need each others help to load it.

About the splitting, please remember bio mom agreed to this so she should let it go and not USE her children to get what she wants. It is wrong, manipulative and evil in my eyes. And a adult SH should know this is wrong and one of her parents should teach her right from wrong.

In the above post "SH" should read SD.

I wouldn't want it back, but I wouldn't have split up a set to begin with. I can see one person taking the dining room set and one the living room, but not splitting a set. Did one of them take the forks and the other the spoons, too?

Since your husband owned the couch before he married you, it is his to do with what he wants.

I don't see that either of them did anything inappropriate. If your husband doesn't want to help her move (a perfectly reasonable thing for someone to ask her father) or lend her the couch, then he can say no. It is up to him.

sunny, I'm sorry that my response seemed to cause you such distress. I wasn't defending BioMom or SD. I guess because I wouldn't care to have furniture from DH's previous life, I assumed most second wives would feel the same. And I probably am annoyed that I've got a barn load of furniture that DH's ex-wife didn't want to be bothered with. So basically, I'm "free" storage, and the one college-aged son who actually could use furniture doesn't like any of her stuff, and instead wants to take my old leather sofa to his new apartment.

All that being said, you didn't mention that you had a matching sofa chair. But the biggest point that I missed was that it was inappropriate for SD and ex-wife to ask for the sofa, given that they knew you'd be using it when your family room was done, SD is 26 years old and BioMom still gets $400/month in alimoney.

Also, since DH has a bad back, why is he so willing to help with moving furniture? Why is his daughter even asking?

TOS, I do not agree with you. When husband divorced his ex the divorce states that the belongs that they agreed upon became his.
When we married we combined all our belongings to become one. He uses all my items and I use all his. All items in our household and storage are currently both of ours. That is the the agreement we made to each other when we said "yes" to marry each other. DH and I discussed this in front of a councilor so we were both clear everything became both of ours from previous marriages. We discuss everything that will effect both of us in our home. Taking the sofa to bio mom's house will effect me and him in the long run.

First, I have to help him load it and it is very heavy. Second, it may get damaged in hauling (two times for a 90 minute drive each way). Thirdly, it could be stained or damaged in some way at bio moms. Fourth knowing bio mom's past record it may not even come back and this could effect us because we cannot afford to purchase a sofa similar to this one when we need it in a couple months.

The fact of the matter is that DH and bio mom did split it (sofa set) up and agreed to it. So that is done. I do not know about the forks and spoons because we use my (now ours) silverware that I had before we married and yes it is both our silverware. Not just mine. We gave his old silverware to his niece. So when his niece needed silverware we discussed giving it to her before we offered it to her. So maybe down the road if the SCs need silverware we will discuss giving our current set and if we can afford it they will get the silverware.

We have given many items to the SCs over the years that were mine prior to marrying DH. We always discussed it first. The kids many times thank DH and not me. Occasionally with DH help they remember to thank me. We are married as ONE and agreed to that when we signed our marriage license. I believe conflicts occur in a marriage when spouses argue over this is mine and this is yours or this not yours it is mine. I do not believe that is what marriage is about. To me it is a union of two people and everything they have is combined. This means that we as a married couple need to discuss are feeling about items and what we want to do. I feel we found a good solution, a compromise offer the air mattress (which was mine before we married) or a futon. I believe that is only fair.

So TOS you are wrong in my case again. I believe you often look at your situation and not the person posting. So please try not to be so black and white. Every situation and agreement in families can vary and are unique to that specific family.

Tamar, I did not see your post at first, sorry. I am very distress over this. I often feel run over by SD requests that the majority of the time involve bio mom. DH jumps for his daughter no matter what. He is like a puppet when it comes to his kids. SD knows dad has a bad back but she is very self centered like her mother and just wants that sofa.

Yes DH pays bio mom $400.00 a month and will until she dies. It has nothing to do with the kids they are both over 21 years old. DH had a terrible lawyer and signed the divorce papers not knowing or understanding about the $400.00. He was also very distressed. He has offered to pay her off with a lump sum but she refuses. Bio mom since the divorce from DH has been married and divorced from her 2nd husband and now has another man living with her. She is a real winner. Bio mom is self centered and will do anything to get ahead and I mean anything.

So thanks for the sorry, but I have been through so very much with these adult stepkids and their mother that it is hard to remain calm when your getting taken advantage of.

Although we shared our belongings, things that I brought into the marriage remained "mine" and things my husband brought in remained "his." In the 25 years we were together, most of these items wore out of course, but when he left I gave him his stuff and kept mine. He wasn't interested in most of the items we acquired during the marriage, which probably in sum are worth less than the couch you are arguing over since we tended to decorate in "early chaos." If I had known his current wife was going to make him throw away some of his family heirlooms, not to mention all of his clothes, I would have held onto them for safekeeping.

As an adult SD, I have a problem with the "we marry and we each own EACH OTHER's things."

My parents were married for 42 years. My mother worked her butt off throughout the entire marriage AND inherited a number of items from her family. She would HATE knowing that the woman who has alienated her husband from his family has laid claim to everything in the house.

Why should my SM get my paternal great-grandfather's handcrafted oak table, in the family for more than 100 years?

Why should she get the green glass cake plate my parents got for their wedding shower?

Why should she get my mother's cedar chest, filled with family mementos, my mother's wedding dress, diary and jewelry?

Why should she get the pictures, cards, letters, family movies, my mother's cookbooks, or MY baby pictures?

I'd like to lay claim to it, but she's painted us all as greedy and controlling people. And even though my dad says he knows she's nuts, he's made no effort to give any of my mother's things to any of us, nor has he made arrangements (as in a will) to make sure we get them after his death.

So, I don't care that they're married. She doesn't deserve anything my mom sweated for or that my family collected and cherishes. She shouldn't get any of it but the fact is, she'll likely get it all. And what she doesn't want, she'll throw in the trash rather than give it to any of my dad's kids.

Sometimes, it's very, very, very hard not to hate that woman.

TOS: This is my point, your situation is totally different than mine. DH and I agreed to combine our things and what is his in mine and what is mine is his. The sofa was fairly new when DH and bio mom divorced. It is only about 10 years old and is in excellent condition and of high quality. DH and I take good care of our belongings. TOS for once we agree on the ex thing. DH's ex is evil and before she returns the sofa she would damage this sofa if she can't keep it just to hurt DH and myself.

Lilysuzanne, Our situation is also totally different. I feel sorry for you and what you stepmother has put you through. My SC's mother is still living and she took or got all the family heirlomes and menentos. I hope she gives them to the kids. If husband has any personal family items I do not want them and he can do whatever he wants with them. I hope he gives them to the kids.

When I met DH he had no cookbooks, nice dishes, nice linens, kids or family pictures, etc. his ex took them all. He inherited all my nice expensive things and truely loves them. Someday I plan on giving them to someone who has treated me with respect and love. As of now we will see who that is. The future will tell.

I truely love to hear from all of you. I learn from each and everyone of you. Thanks!

Hi, Lilly

I agree with you, but this is not your step-mother's fault,
it is your father's fault for not being assertive.
Crazy wife or no crazy wife, he needs to make this right.

My husband and I keep our valuable jewelry in a safe at home, and there are numerous handwritten notes taped to things like "(his deceased mother) gave this to (SD) to have when she is 21". Or, "(his deceased father) gave this to (SS) to have on his wedding day", or something like that.

OR, he needs to start gifting you things now that belonged to your mother.

It's good that you and your father have started talking again. You need to sit down with him and explain what you just said. If he is not willing to do that, then it's his fault, not the fault of your step-mother. He needs to stop blaming her for the decisions (or lack of decisions) that he has made. Maybe he can't part with these things yet, but he needs to make some decisions.

My step-children seem to think that I am interested in their stuff, but I am not materialistic, and I have my own money. I came into this world with nothing and I'm going out with nothing. What bothers me is that they would give up a potential friendship with me, to be sure that their
material possessions don't fall into my hands. What they don't realize is that I only wanted to have a relationship with them. The stuff was never important to me. When I married their father, the only thing I needed was family.
I already had everything else. Ironically, the thing that is being denied to me is the one thing that I need more than anything.

I know exactly how you feel southersummer. This is what I wanted when I said "I do". My DH was quite bitter and he did have some belongings of his X in the house - we was going to throw them all away - I actually talked him into giving them to the kids (which in turn could give them to their Mom). My SK's (I think) believe everything belongs to them - I guess we haven't been a team for the last 10 years and worked together to get anything.
I enjoy reading everyone's posts and it helps me to understand my dilemma's.

As an adult SD, I also have a problem with "we marry and we each own EACH OTHER's things." Out of common respect for a deceased spouse there are certain things that should be given to an adult kid. Personal items, jewlery, favorite china, certainly a mothers wedding dress or maybe a quilt that one's great grandmother made. The passing of these items should start with the father, in my situation it did not happen, so you would hope the SM would encourage new husband to pass these items along.

These items represent a memory, a time long gone that's never coming back... when your mom has died and another woman is living amongst and using her things it's a hurt you can't put to rest. It's a violation of your mother. Think about it ladies, if you were to die tomorrow would you want your personal belongings given to your children or carried along with your husband into his new life with a new wife?? (Sunnygardner this is NOT directed at you, so please don't take offense)it's an emotional response to the pain that Lily feels because I also harbor the same feelings in regards to my situation....

And quite frankly, why would I want to wear my late mother in law's jewelry? I have my own jewelry, and I have my grandmother's jewelry and my great grandmother's jewelry.

I remember the first family birthday dinner after we married: DH and I had each sold our houses, and built one house together, big enough for all 4 kids to have their own rooms, plus a playroom. We were so excited at our "one"-ness. No more my house or your house, just our house.

My SS (who was 16 then) said "so, if you get divorced, who's going to get the house". It was such a total downer...another turd in the punch bowl. SD said, "if you die, who gets your engagement ring." I told them that we weren't getting divorced, and I was going to out live all of them.

You might think that these were valid questions, and that they honestly had concerns, but these are not financially challenged children, and I'm definitely contributing to the finances around here, especially since DH retired a few years ago. Maybe I should have said, "if you die, who gets your trust fund?".

How interesting this turned from a sofa that DH and I still need to intimate, personal, valuable heirlome items. I just want all of you to know that jewlery, personal pictures, etc. was not what I was talking about when I said DH and I combined our items from our previous marrages. I truely meant things that one uses on a daily bases such as furniture, everyday dishes and linens, rugs, etc. I did not mean my DH's Xs personal items or grandparents personal items. I just wanted to set the record straight. I feel sorry for DH he does not even have any pictures of his children when they were little. The X took them all. Bio mom took all items of value and I hope she gives them to the kids, but I have my doubts. She is very self centered and I could see her sell them for money.

I do feel for all of you stepchildren who have been treated badly by your stepparent. I would be upset too if someone took my mom's or grandparent's personal things.

I have a problem with a SS..He wanted his dad to pay for half his wedding, bride was only daughter of a wealthy man, bride and groom both have good jobs too.My husband was off work for 7 months with no income(he had a heart attack), so we said no, but we will give you a nice rehearsal dinner..He invited 340 people(gave us 8 guests out of that number)then was hounding to pay for the bar, or he d have to have a cash bar(which he did). I didnt get invited to bridal shower, and had to wait in church basement while rest of wedding party waited in church lobby for wedding to begin, and now he s not calling, or speaking to my husband, I think the son blames me for not paying for wedding...I am so mad, but feel like he would be speaking to my husband if we would have paid....We have not called them, what should we do?

Wow.

How old is your step-son?
Traditionally, the bride's father pays for the
wedding, and the Groom's father pays for the rehearsal
dinner.

It's up to you what type of rehearsal dinner you have, and whether of not alcohol is served.

It's also up to you how many people are invited, but usually that means the wedding party, their spouses, and out of town family. Typically you would do the inviting, not the bride.

It sounds like SS has really blown this out of proportion.

Good question: how old is SS? I too agree that traditionally the bride's side pays for the wedding and groom''s side pays for the rehearsal dinner. If both bride and groom have good jobs there is no reason they cannot pay for their own wedding.

I am not surprised by SS behavior because I have two adult SC (one SD and one SS) who are the same way. They only call or come around when they want something. The SC are very self centered and only care about themselves or what they can get from dear dad. I know how you feel and how hurtful it is. There is really nothing you can do. Let DH call SS, however, in my opinion these type of children think they are right and dad owes them. Also, it has to do with this current young generation, they just feel parents owe them. It is so sad. They can't just call to visit or stop by to visit unless they have some reason to try and get something for free. I fell sorry for them.

Since we are on the subject of furniture.....

This is how I feel about "loaning" furniture. I had a rocking chair (that I spent weeks finishing by hand myself.) When oldest SD had her first child, she asked if she could "borrow" my rocking chair. I agreed.

Her husband came by one day when we weren't home, let himself into our house (using garage code)and he took the rocking chair. The house my husband and I have is our home - we purchased it together and she never lived there.

I wasn't real happy that DH had give out our garage code. We discovered from neighbors that they were in our home several times when we weren't there. That will not happen again.

We called and asked him if he took the chair. He said he did. Outside of that there was never any acknowledgement about the chair from either of them.

After three years (baby no longer an infant), I asked my husband when we were getting the rocker back. We had a new home at that time and I had a place for it and I wanted it back. DH called his daughter to ask her for it.

She had a fit. She wouldn't let him come into the house to get it. She put it on her front porch. It was filthy and damaged and I didn't even recognize it.

Then she called later complaining that she was going to have to go to a garage sale to find a rocker she could afford! This girl spends a fortune at the beauty shop and her spa, she has a very expensive personal trainer, doesn't work, but kids in day care most of the time, she buys only designer clothes, has a cleaning "crew" - one cleaning lady isn't enough for her taste, plus she pays several thousand dollars each year to have her house professionally decorated for Christmas. And she can't afford to buy a rocking chair?

Why did she want MY rocker so bad? She didn't even take care of it. I could see if it had belonged to her mother, but it was mine - I finished it by hand. Very strange.

My philosophy about furniture - if you want to give it away - fine. Then it belongs to the person you gave it to and they can do what they want with it.

But be careful about loaning furniture. If you ever get it back, there could be hard feelings, not to mention that it may be damaged.

"Why did she want MY rocker so bad?"

because it was your rocker that you had finished by hand.

so she could outsmart you, get something away from you, do you out of something.

She's petty & underhanded & dishonest;
you're lucky to know her character before you "loan" her a zillion dollars!

Sylvia:

I was always really curious why she had this thing for my rocking chair and you have just provided me with some much needed clarity. Thank you!

She does try to turn nearly everything into a big competition with me and is always trying to one-up me. It is really petty little stuff but she still burns up a lot of energy on it.

She also did a weird thing (actually a very mean thing) with my cleaning lady. A while back, she told her Dad she wanted my cleaning lady's name and number. I told DH I didn't think that was a good idea. He gave it to her anyway.

SD's house has never been clean, not even close, since I've known her. I'm not sure when her cleanliness standards became so high, but I suspect it was the day she hired my poor cleaning lady. SD's not a kid - she's 30 years old and far from over-worked.

SD started to call our house to complain about what a lousy job my cleaning lady does (to her Dad). After having the cleaning lady three or four times, SD fired her and then called other customers of the cleaning lady to tell them what a lousy job she did. I know this because SD herself bragged to me about what she did.

I was absolutely mortified at how cruel she was. I knew this had absolutely nothing to do with the cleaning lady and everything to do with how much this SD hates me. Actually, many of my neighbors (who are a lot more particular about the cleanliness of their homes than SD), use the same cleaning lady and they love her.

My cleaning lady (who is a sweet,older lady) was very upset at what SD did to her and she said she did a good job for her and didn't understand why she was so impossible to please. She said SD would even call her at night to scream at her for her "lousy job" and tell her to come back and do it over again.

The cleaning lady went back to her house several times to see what she was talking about and there was no pleasing my SD. Of course she couldn't be pleased. This was "my" cleaning lady and SD had a point to prove.

Lesson's I've learned with respect to my oldest SD - don't loan out furniture and don't give out the cleaning lady's name!

And disengage. When you volunteer your time, possessions, contacts, etc., you make yourself vulnerable to reprisals.
Sad but true.

Thanks for replies, SS is 24 years old...Wedding was in April, he stopped by Fathers day for an hour, no card, no gift, he did take him to lunch, and no call since..At the wedding he had the minister say he was so proud of himself for putting himself thru college, when my husband actually paid every penny , he appreciates nothing..He is involved in a church and acts morally superior to us, I think we are moral, nice people who have done nothing to harm him...He puts his mother on a pedastal, she is living with a bum....He complained at the rehearsal dinner( I m sure his mother told him to come and tell me)that his mothers table was the only one without a bottle of wine on it(The hostess recommended this , as not to offend the non drinking brides Baptist parents)Cant win, want to blow my top and scream at this kid, we have never in 5 years had a confrontation with him,its so sad, his dad almost died, and that wasnt a wake up call enough...He shunned me for the 2 days of wedding, as did all attending...Met his dad after divorce,its like they are angry at me for being married to the dad...Does anyone think a confrontation would help, dont think it could get worse...Thanks

"bride was only daughter of a wealthy man"

& he had the minister say he was proud of having put himself through school.

Well, there ya go.

He's created a life story for his new wife's family in which he overcame his "background".

The real key to making this work is discrediting his "old" family enough so that the new one won't believe anything they say.

Asking for money for the wedding was off-the-wall enough for the wife's family to think that the poor boy was just making a last-ditch effort to get *some* sort of evidence of love, & the bottle of wine incident was just a typical example of the groom's family being chintzy & using the lame excuse of being sensitive to the bride's family's religion.

He's a chameleon;
nobody really knows who or what he is.

His poor wife; she doesn't know who she married.

dotz, I see the same behavior from my SS (22 years old). He comes around or calls when he is attempting to get something. When SS is told no with an explanation why, he then disappears for a 1-2 months.
Over the years I have noticed a pattern with the SC that after they has been with bio mom for a couple days they come around with more requests for things or for DH to do something for them that is totally unreasonable.

I also am able to view cell phone records of SS (we pay the cell bill) and have noticed a pattern there too. I have started keeping a journal (dates & discriptions) of various unreasonable request from SS to DH. At the end of that month I can look at SS cell phone calls compared to the journal. I have found a pattern of SS talking to bio mom right before the request to DH, then calling DH with the unreasonable request, and then calling bio mom right back. All these call are the only ones within that time frame. This is all in black and white so I am not making any of this up. I want to show DH, but I figure it would only hurt him more.

I believe SS is a chameleon he changes his personality to nice SS when he is talking or with DH to get what he wants from DH and then changes it back to self centered, get what I can, steal if I have to, spoiled, lie, manipulative, DH and I owe him, SS.

I have seen way to much to not see through these SC. I truely wish they had not done the all the manipulating, self centered, acts they have over the years. It will be really hard to ever trust either of them. I feel sorry for DH that his children are this way and deep down in side I know he can see it and it hurts him too. I guess when DH's family said the SC are just like their mother I know they are correct, because they do not seem like their father.
This is my opinion, take it or leave it. My advise to you is be careful and do not be shocked by anything SS does. It sounds like SS is similar to my SS and anything goes as long as he can get what he wants. Disengage if you have too. Be ready for anything. Pray alot. Keep communication open with DH. Find trusting family and friends you can talk to about these things, use this site to vent, take care of you first and take care of your marriage. You are not alone.

Wow, your replies are so on target, hard to believe our situations are so similar....Also, I know these kids are being told by their mom what a bum they have for a dad, and to get what they can from him(less for me to get)...When I first met the 24 yr old, he said right in front of me, Mom said she s going to take all our money!!!!The 17 yr old asks me what I paid for anything new he sees in our home, like a lamp or something, and reports back to mother dearest...I feel every visit is just a spy mission....She told the kids my husband bought the house we live in for me(not true),, further depleting their inheritance!!!!! it was mine for 30 years!!! they dont believe it...My husband is a tradesman, no big money here, but why does the ex and the kids think they own everything he makes now and in the future..We are married after all..She takes him back to court constantly for comtempt, but he is getting garnished, he isnt doing anything wrong...She has tried to ask for his tax return, saying she needs it to do the kids taxes, 2 accountants told us that is not true...She thinks we have more than we do, now she told the kids we have another property we are renting out and she wants part of the income!!! There is NO other property...My husband is a doll, but he sure comes with a lot of baggage, depressing...Good to know other people go thru the same stuff Thanks for listening.......

When one of my kids said that maybe her father would buy her something, I mentioned that she sounded a bit money-grubbing, like all she wanted from her father was money. She replied that money was all he was willing to give his children (and not very much of that).

I am sure she is not the only child of a NC father who has asked for material goods because the father was unwilling to give anything else, like time and love.

My DD would be in that group. But he never had time for her when we were married.

So now, just because you're NOT married it's okay?

Hmmm.

I don't think that it's EVER okay to just use people as ATMs--including non-custodial parents who may be worth a bundle but lower than pond scum. Not a lesson I want to teach my kid.

Shes his child. She can ask for whatever she wants. And it isnt a case of buy for me, or I wont visit you. He doesnt want a lot of visits.

kkny, I want to understand where you are coming from in the raising of your DD. Do you think it is ok for your DD to ask her father anything she wants even if it is disrespectful or totally unreasonable? Vivian31 sounds as if she is trying to raise her children to respect others no matter who the people are. Note: I am not talking about murders, child molesters, etc. Are you doing the same thing with your DD?

I have met alot of children of all ages over the years and I can always identify one that has NOT been taught proper manners and how to respect their elders. They are usually the children that have the most problems in life/ in the real world. Please try to look at raising your daughter as preparing her for the real world and to make her travels in life an easy/happy one. Children need to know the proper way to treat ALL people (even a GF who has made mistakes) in the world in order to be successful and happy.

I do know that my DH is getting fed up with his adult children only asking for money or material items. He wants them to visits, he loves them, DH was the only one there for them when bio mom had her 2 year affair, and DH does ask them to visit frequently. However, they very seldom do. They only seem to call or come around when they want something. It would be great if they just called to talk or ask how we are doing, but they don't. It is a pattern that is becoming obvious and DH is starting to see it. It hurts DH and I alot.

Please teach your children to be kind, throughtful, respectful of others, to care, love, and understand others. It is so important in order for them to become happy adults and an individual who will be liked and cared about, which in turns will reward your DD with happiness. That is the greatest gift a parent could give their child.

I guess I dont understand what could be asked for that would be disrepectful (I am not talking drugs, cigarettes, alchohol).

As to unreasonable, I dont know his financial situation. It appears excellent. His current GF is not working (and as to whether that creates tension in their relationship, not my problem). She asks me for things and I have said no. That is part of the parent/teenager relationship.

As I said, she does not link visits with gifts.

I do not think it appropriate to teach her to respect a woman who had affair with her Dad. Adults also have to understand that there are consequences to actions.

I think that it would be quite important to teach your daughter to respect ALL adults across the board if for no other reason than not putting her in the middle of your little p*ssing match with the GF.

Using your daughter to put the screws to your ex and his GF in no way benefits her. Driving that wedge between your ex and his daughter is cruel.

My husband's ex had an affair and later married the man. Should he teach his children not to respect their mother or stepfather? In NO WAY do I see that as any benefit to them.

These children were powerless to prevent the situation and should in NO WAY be used to exacerbate it or to punish another person. Bitterness is an ugly gift for any of them.

kkny, You stated you do not understand what is disrepectful. So I will fill you in from the point of view of a stepparent or a GF/BF. Anything that insults or effects the stepparent or GF/BF may in turn disrespect the bio parent. Remember the bio parent loves and cares about the stepmother/GF or stepfather/BF and when a request is made by a stepchild to a bio parent that excludes the stepparent, however, it really invovles something with the stepparent, it does effect the stepparent in some way, and concerns them, then it can and many times is disrespectful to both the bio parent and the stepparent. It causes conflict and hurt in their relationship/marriage, which, in turn will filter down to the the child in some way and form.

A child should be taught to respect all elders and think of people as people with feelings. People make mistakes and forgiveness is a wonderful thing. It will relaease one from a life of saddness. Stepchildren should treat people as they would like to be treated, with respect, thoughtfulness, love and care. In return the stepchild should be treated the same, with respect, love, thoughtfulness, care. If a stepchild makes a mistake then they too need to be forgiven. I takes two to make a relationship work and grow.

Sunny, first you said

" Do you think it is ok for your DD to ask her father anything she wants even if it is disrespectful or totally unreasonable? "

So I took the respect in terms of asking for anything.

I think you are asking too much for a child (or X) to forgive the OW. I dont think my DD (or me) have a life of sadness. We have both chosen not to have a relationship with this woman. Her father respects her choice.

If you don't have a life of sadness then just think how much more happiness you could have if you were able to forgive and forget. It is your choice to do as you want, but when one teaches a child it is ok to hate someone I think that is wrong. Her father respect her choice because I am sure he has no other choice.
However, I know deep down in her dad's heart he would truely appriciate it if DD would except his GF. How respectful would that be to forgive and forget? Move on and fully enjoy all that life has to offer. She could have a wonderful relationship with you, her dad, an adult woman who more than likely would like to get to know her as a friend, and a full life with people who love and care about her. Why have hate or dislike lurking in the backs of ones existance? Life is to short to hate anyone.

I didnt teach child to hage GF. I dont know why the SMs always think the mom is driving these decsions. My DD is a teenager who knows her own mind. And I am not certain she hates GF, she just doesnt have a place for her.

How can you trust someone who would have an affair? As my DD has said, what makes dad think she wont cheat on him?

As to what DDs dad would appreciate -- I would have appreciated if it he didnt kick me out when DD was in high school. He has GF now to deal with what he appreciates. HE decided that he didnt need me to care what he appreciates. He has GF to deal with waht he wants.

And what makes you think dad won't cheat on GF? Tell DD that anyone can cheat on anyone, but, it not healthy for someone to hold a grudge on someone they have not even given the time to get to know.

I do see where you have influenced you DD to hate GF. I can read it in your writings and I am sure DD can hear it in your voice that you hate GF.

In the dynamics of my family I have documented proof that bio mom has driving and influenced many of my stepchildren's decisions and actions towards me as a SM. Because we have proof, is why SMs think that bio moms do drive their childrens decisions about stepparents. Also, the SC often tell us what bio mom has said and often it is something hurtful against the stepparent.

Sunny,

DD tells me the rotten things GF says about me. I take everything with a grain of salt.

DD knows GF and her Dad had affair. She was not an infant. Actions speak louder than words. DD, like many of the SMs here, can certainly dislike GF based upon GFs actions.

I may dislike situation, but I dont think you can possibly know whether I have influenced DD. I dont even know.

If GF doesnt have the family relationship she wants, it is her actions that have created the issues; not mine.

I don't think that anyone deserves respect simply for being an "elder".

How can you have credibility when you talk about good values & upright character & then say that a person with no values, poor character, etc, a person who profits from messing up other people's lives, has to be "respected", simply because that person is a grown-up?

Respect is something that is earned and not just given. I would not be able to respect a woman who had an affair with a married man. She was the one who had no respect for the poor married man's wife and children when she chose to have the affair. I have no clue how anyone could think a woman like this should get any respect. She basically tore a family apart. I can see clearly why it would be very difficult for the wife and children to forgive this woman.

The amount of influence parents have on teenagers' opinions is somewhere between very limited and none at all. Teenagers are often very perceptive. My teenager figured out that her father was having an affair before I realized it and chose to have nothing to do with him from that moment forward. For weeks, I did not know why she was as angry with him as she was. Not long after he left, both of my older kids told me that they didn't want him back, and that if he ever came back, they would never visit when he was around.

Children, and especially teenagers, have minds of their own. They are not sheep.

I met my husband years after the divorce and Ex still taught the kids to disrepect and hate me, no affair here to blame all the exes old hard feelings on......He s a great dad,in every way, but when you have the one sided bashing 24-7, and we never say a negative word, what can you do? I have had 5 years of treating these kids with nothing but respect, never said one bad thing about the mom, but why cant that door swing both ways?And I can sure see helping out a kid in an emergency, dad is very generous with birthday and Christmas gifts, but dont kids in non divorced families go out and EARN what they need? I did when I was young, why are they ATMS?, is right.....

No, not all kids in non divorced families go out and earn a living. You can't do anything about the bashing of the ex, you only have control over your own actions. It is better to take the high road and not say anything negative. Why would you want to step down to her level. The ex is nothing but a bitter woman. Respect is something that is earned and not given. If your SKs disrespect you, why do you feel that you have to respect them? Are you doing it for your DH, because if you are, this will only build into resentment.

Yeah, I guess I was doing the respecting for my husband, but partially because I m a mom too, and they are kids, with not the best of judgement for their ages, altho 5 years have passed and they should be wising up by now....I actually have not spoken to them since the wedding fiasco, where the 24 yr old wanted dad to pay half costs, he wont call anymore because we didnt pay...Thr 17 year old hasnt been here either since April, but he has a weekend job, and they live about an hour away, but dad calls him weekly and wants to set up a visit...But, he is hinting around for dad to buy him a car.The kid earns money and has a ton of money in the bank(dad does his taxes, so thats a fact)But kids mother told him he has NO money in the bank, and she controls it...So another case of dad the bad guy, wont pay for my brothers wedding, wont buy me a car..Dad works hard, I work, ex has never had a job in her life.Cries, cries cries, to the kids, get money off them..I wonder what will happen when the 17 yr old is emancipated and no money will be coming in to her, she is 54 years old....We cant be responsible for supporting her forever..Sigh..Seems so far away to be rid of her ...Sorry so long of a whine......Advice to keep sanity????