Confused with an angry adult child?
zshopper
12 years ago
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cyn427 (z. 7, N. VA)
12 years agolast modified: 9 years agoemagineer
12 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
why is hitting a child NOT child abuse
Comments (23)I re-read your letter. I applaud you for not abandoning your children, and leaving them to fend for themselves if you left. That is a real father. A father who will make sacrifices for the children. It sounds as if your wife was in the wrong type of counceling. It sounds as though what she really needs are classes in anger management for the well being of your children. Perhaps that is one of the things you will require of her that you will not waiver on. After re-reading your first two posts, I believe that what I suggested in the above two posts sounds like a long shot. And I can imagine how difficult it would be to pull off with a person who is angry and bitter. Especially given how you feel about her. Does she have ANY good points? If so, what are they? I think it would be so depressing to live with someone who has been depressed for 20 years, and is so angry and bitter. If it were me, (OK, I am climbing up on that soapbox for a speech) I think I would tell them that I am sick of them using depression as an excuse for rotten behavior. I would tell her that if it is real depression...meaning chemical imbalance of some sort, then to get herself to a doctor and get her medications right. And if it is depression caused by her own disappointments in life, then suck it up and put a smile on your face and start doing some of the things you need to do. Because the kids and I hate living like this, and your anger and bitterness is destroying our family and the childhood of these children. They do not get a second chance at childhood...this is it, and it is going to be happy from tomorrow on. And if you cannot be a part of making this family a happy and good place to be, then I (meaning you Dave) will step up to the plate and raise these kids and give them that happy, safe childhood. Your 14 year old has so little childhood left, and I (meaning you Dave) am going to make sure it is great! Are you on board, or are you going to continue to hide behind your depression and anger and bitterness, doing your best to make sure home life is crappy for us all? She has a choice to make here. And you may find she is on board, and will begin some new changes, or that she likes being angry and miserable...and then you will know what you need to do. Forgive me for the two messages above, as after I re-read your original posts, I realized how they must sound to someone who is really in the pits in a marriage to someone who is so angry, and bitter all the time. I am not sure any of us could actually rise to the occasion if we were in your shoes and actually pull off what I suggested above. It sounds as if the marriage is just too miserable to actually bring yourself to do as I suggested. Not that it couldn't be done, but it would take a better person than I am to pull it off. Unless she actually makes a decision to change. If she does...perhaps she will surprise you all! In my best pollyanna view...I sometimes think that we can change someone else by being really kind to them. I sometimes have these wierd thoughts that you could take her for a morning of pampering (facial, massage) and then take her for a new outfit, and take just her out to dinner. That by you treating her differently, that maybe she will thaw out, and begin to see herself differently, and begin to change and laugh and smile. That she will "want" to be a better woman for her family. Perhaps it is just wishful thinking...but just maybe????? Anyone, I forget that some people actually "like" to be angry and bitter and miserable all the time. That is their comfort zone. Perhaps she is one of those people. I don't know....See MoreAdult child needs advice
Comments (26)All of you are starting to really anger me. Tracystoke with her post:"yawn ,yawn ,get out and about and sniff smells" is about as disrespectful and rude as it gets. The others nitpicking and thinking they have all the answers and solutions to secrecy's desperate cry for help. I understand that he gives reasons why he can't do certain things that are suggested to him. Why is he being accused of making excuses. I see cold heartless responses and "You are the problem" when met with lack of an instant "Eureka!!!" moment default everyday suggestions that really can not work in his situation. He has and told us he has been diagnosed. He has to battle a mental illness. He is depressed. His home situation is deplorable. Does everyone think he really is possibly lazy, or doesnt want to have a job or bother looking for one, etc. etc. etc.??? HELLOOOOOO! He is reaching out for advice and telling someone with his illness and home situation to go get a job, or stay with someone else, etc. just doesn't cut it. I am sure some of the people mean well. I myself am on disability, with a couple illnesses with no cure. By the way, I also have Narcolepsy. I am stuck in an abusive situation just to keep a roof over my head and not end up homeless. Secrecy, I have a couple suggestions, and will understand if you have difficulties with them. Just try your best. The first good thing you are doing for yourself is asking for help, and sticking to your guns and not dropping off this thread and giving up (at least to as far as I have read). You do sleep so much with depression, let alone any other problems with it. If you can, try to get on several different additional forums such as one for Mental health or depression, looking for work is an insane undertaking at this point in your life. Does everyone really think that if secrecy gets a job how can he actually function with the mental and physical state he is in? Number 1, try to get help with depression, maybe getting medications, help with how to COPE with your home situation. Number 2, try to get from Mental Health doctor a referral to a sleep center to get tested for Narcolepsy. If indeed diagnosed with that too, medicine will do wonders and get you in a regular sleep cycle. If you don't have it, then,you know depression is a big factor. I am not going to guess or diagnose, just adding on to what you have told us. If you try and work with Mental Health, (therapy/meds), learn to cope with home situation (for now, not forever),(through therapy and/or support forums) - ask the people at mental health if you can qualify for their housing. Most Mental Health facilities in just about every town in the US has rooms, group homes, apts. set up for their patients. if they don't, I know they have referrals to agencies that will help. I wish you the best of luck and many blessings for your recovery from the nightmare you have been living in. Do not give up! I have a list of how to help or not help people with chronic illness written by Not Done Living: DON�T assume because I look well that I feel well. Looks can be very deceiving. Many days I look great, but I feel terrible. DON�T tell me you know how I feel. No one knows how anyone else feels. Two people with the same disease may feel totally different. We all have varying thresholds of pain, and pain cannot be measured. DON�T tell me about your great-aunt GERTRUDE and her illness, and how well she managed in spite of it. I am not AUNT GERTRUDE, and I am doing my best. DON�T tell me, "It could be worse". Yes, it could be, but I don�t need to be reminded. DON�T decide what I am capable of doing. Chronic physical illness doesn�t affect the brain. Allow me to decide what activities I can participate in. There may be times I might make the wrong decision, and if I do, I�ll know it soon enough. DON�T be upset that you cannot ease my pain. It won�t do any good for both of us to be miserable. DON�T ask me how I feel unless you really want to know. You may hear a lot more than you are prepared to listen to. DON�T assume because I did a certain activity yesterday that I can do it today. Chronic illness and pain is ever-changing. DON�T tell me about the latest fad �cure�. I want to be cured more than anything, and if there is a legitimate cure out there, my doctor will let me know. DO learn everything you can about the disease. The more you know, the better equipped you will be to know what to expect. DO realize I am angry and frustrated with the disease, not with you. DO let me know you are available to help me when I ask. I�ll be grateful. DO offer me lots of hugs and encouragement. DO understand why I cancel plans at the last minute. I never know from one day to the next how I will feel. Chronic illness is like that. DO continue to invite me to all the activities. Just because I am not able to bike ride along with the gang does not mean I can�t meet you for the picnic at the end of the trail. Please let me decide � If I cancel activities, please do not stop inviting me. I do not deserve to be shut out or forgotten and left alone. Do not give up on my life, I have a hard time doing that myself....See MoreAdult step chilren
Comments (10)dunmoanin, I am so glad i have read your post. My situation is not what you have discribed but i see some similarities. I had a blow out with my husband last week. I understand that men from divorce are stuck between two families...but last week just took the straw for me. I'm lucky , very lucky in one sense because my sd does nto live with us. She comes EOW. BUT she manipulates and tries to hog alot of time from her father when it suites her. IE she is very jealous of her own brother when he spends time with his dad when they both come over. My dh puts her in her place but this jealousy has been there since i'm met her when she was 5 years old. She definitely was jealous when i came into her dads life and he again put her in her place. So in none sense , dad doesn't put his daughter all the time on a pedestal BUT he does favor her above both his sons...which i find disgusting. He does share way too much info...i mean, all daily activity with her on the phone when she phones. She use to phone all the time...but thankfully that has stopped because she is older, in her teens and fights with her dad because he now has opened his eyes. But what happened last week really stabbed me. I have been testing her by telling her about plans ahead of time...and she sabotages them. I only told my dh 2 days ago. I blew up...God help...i've never been so angry in my life and some of the things i said were so vile towards him and his daugther but i just erupted. i basically said that he should marry his daughter and go......i wont say it further...but you get the gist..... i told him she says jump andhe says how high...that he backstabbed me as a wife and friend. He knew we had plans but the dear daugther phones and he promised to take her to lunch and watch her game and dumps all the plans out the door for the entire family for her! Well i told him off , told him my feelings..and also told him to keep his plans wih his daugther and that i would make other arrangments. i slept separatly for 2 nights We spoke, mended...and low and behold she phones again..says someting to him that shocked him and he defended me..and told her to stay at home ... I'm drained....i'm unhappy...not at my husband...but at the events that unfolded. The stupid games...andi todl him last night that i'm starting to hate her, resent her and not care....its building. I wnat to let it go..but i do not trust her and she plays games.....Been taught by her mother , she's influenced by her mother....so there is nothing i can do about it....but i do notsee it gettign any better when she is older. I just see more games...i just pray that my husband keeps his eyes open. He does buckle from time to time. He said he wanted to give a diamond necklace for her sweet 16....keep in mind he doesn't havea penny to his name! He wont give jewellery to me but he wants to do it for his daughter!!!!????? I'm not jealous. Honestly i'm not. BUt i just do not think its normal for a man to share every detail moment of his life with his daugther....he's also pulled back from doing that now as well. But how long will this happen? After reading your story, i just cannot believe you stayed that long and took so much disrespect. I had one incident last week and i made sure he knew exactly how i felt adn i told him he goes down that path, i will be out the door...no lie there! I encourage him to see his kids and be with them....but not to leave me hanging because of sd manipulations. To make him choose between me and her..or now...her and my son. I hate it. I hate the games. Its disgusting me this week and i'm sooooooo upset about this. I really have no interest in seeing her next time. I need a break...See MoreAdult stepson......confused
Comments (6)Do stepchildren expect not to be disciplined? Adults expect not to be disciplined, particularly by people who did not raise them. (While I am somewhat skeptical of "not allowed" to see him, I acknowledge that it is possible you and your husband made every possible effort and were stymied at every corner, but even if that is true, you still did not raise him and do not actually have a parental relationship with him). Now, my husband worries that his company will go under and he will lose his $100,000 and if that happens, I will be the one blamed because I pushed him, so I suffer with worry double time now. Even if your SS were the most responsible person in the world, the likelihood that a new small business will go under is fairly high. If you and your husband were not willing to deal with that possibility, you really shouldn't have agreed to this arrangement, let alone pushed it. I am not saying you are *wrong*, in any kind of ethical sense, and you certainly seem to have your heart in the right place, but you do seem to have a view of reality that is somewhat skewed in your own perception. I believe I was used and he snowed me. When we got to the point where I was more comfortable with him I saw he was having a problem with going to work, due to relationship difficulties, and drinking. I told him I thought he drank too much and so for the past few months he really hasn't communicated with his father or myself. Absolutely possible that you were snowed, sure. Also possible he thought he was developing a close, understanding, and non-judgemental relationship with his estranged dad and step-mom and was hurt and surprised to judged and "disciplined". I am not saying my hypothetical is correct. But you are from my perspective jumping to some pretty big conclusions about his motives. You also took a pretty big risk with your money, and while he may be truly irresponsible or going back on his agreement, you may also lose your money just because investing in a small business is a risky move and the economy is not exactly the greatest right now. He may even have cut off contact because the business is in trouble and he dreads you and your husband's reaction. Perfectly responsible? Not really. Somewhat normal? yeah, kinda....See Morecyn427 (z. 7, N. VA)
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