Estrangement from adult child
chloemichelle
17 years ago
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fuzzywuzzy
16 years agolast modified: 9 years agoklimkm
16 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
Estranged from your child.....part II
Comments (7)(Tried to post to the first one, i.e., "Part I" - all full - SO GLAD for this "Part II" - how I NEED to post this NOW, and GET IT OFF MY CHEST, so here goes...!!!) Oh wow, this is so true for me. My 22 and 18 yr. old daughters are close with one another and their dad, who lets them do AND say whatever they want and who has a larger house so they naturally both wanted to live with him after the divorce 12 years ago. Now that they are both adults, not only is the older one estranged from me (she and I never got along well, so it's no big surprise), but the younger one, a new adult as of Jan. '09, with whom I used to be very close from her birth to about age 14, is nearing that now. Their dad basically "emotionally kidnapped" both of them - he speaks condescendingly to me whenever I stop by and they learned it from him!! He is their "hero," as they can do no wrong in his eyes, or he in their eyes - it is always "party time" at his house, so why wouldn't they favor him? Yet he has done them a great disservice. I can't do anything about it. Yet I did everything for them, all the "dirty work" thru' the years, from diapers and bottles to providing financial security for their educations and other basic needs - both work part-time, but they sure need additional funds, so they really have taken advantage of me - one is in a design trade school, the other will attend a state university in the fall to study veterinary medicine. Their studies may seem great - but what am I left with for all my blood, sweat and toil?! Very little at all!! IÂve even had to help them with a few legal issues like an "almost DUI" when my younger one was a minor (age 17), and a couple of moving violations. My younger one was somewhat friendly to my 2nd husband (whom I married in 2002) in recent years, before she hit 18; but now, neither one of them shows the slightest interest in him or inclination to be friendly to him at all, despite knowing I am close with him and he has done a lot to make my life better in terms of companionship etc., plus the fact that he has tried to be friendly to them when there has been an opportunity. But his and my lives and activities (work, hobbies, etc.) mean nothing to them. The last 4 or 5 Mother's Days when we have gotten together, they have made little "time slots" for me, quickly giving me gifts such as bath products (oh wow), eating lunch "on the fly," and then saying "gotta go - see ya." THIS Mother's Day - I don't even think there will be any get together because I can't take the one-sidedness any longer - i.e., the totally one-way effort. Bottom line: I somehow must come to grips w/ this and somehow get to where I'm at peace w/ it. Thank you for your site, and I hope someone reads this post  I also empathize with all of you who are in the same Âboat that I am. Thanks for reading this, if you do. Here is a link that might be useful: Home of Nina Beck and All Key'd Up Musical Groups...See MoreEstrangement from special Ed Adult Son
Comments (8)Thank you for the encouragement, colleenoz. You are right...I am not crazy, just very, very concerned. No woman I have ever met would do what she has done. Living in the closet. Hating his Mom and family. Turning him into a person on welfare when it was not necessary for him to survive...he had a home, just didn't want to follow the few rules and try to grow up a bit to carry his weight. If he had met someone nice and young, he wouldv'e not been embarrassed to introduce her to me and I would be involved in their lives. He would be planning college or a job rather than where his next meal is coming from. My Ex is out for one thing...revenge. He wants to make me hurt...badly. I am not being self absorbed here. I think that this is really true. I will briefly explain: Our breakup was due to spousal abuse and I thru him in jail after hitting me one time! Then, it was out the door. He left me with two kids and no money as he had moved it all into his name. I was 'in love' and didn't pay attention thinking we were a team and he would never hurt me or the kids. I was on my feet after a year, but that was 8 years ago, my son has been raised with me, my ex had to go to AA to stop drinking and had to give up his porn. Heaven forbid...I embarrassed him! But I also made sure, after he was clean, that his boy had a relationship with him. He has already turned his back on his other son from his first marriage (something unknown to me before marrying him!). I think I am going to call adult protective services..... I think my son can talk his way through them but I will try to instill what has happened to them. Maybe they will see what I and all my doctors see...a preditor. Wish me luck and pray for us please, everyone!!...See Moremothers estranged from adult children
Comments (169)It's been close to 4 years from where this all started. The disrespect from my grown son escalated to the point where I told him to leave. His anger was out of control. My ex and I were separated due to his extra marital affairs. I felt I had to jolt him back to reality but instead he went to live with his father which made things worse. I kept the doors open, texting him often, telling him I love him and telling him that I didn't want this to be a permanent thing but his anger towards me got worse. Lashed out at me towards household things that "belonged to his father". Screamed and cursed at me. Many remarks about "this is my fathers house". Telling me that I was the reason for his anger. And with each explosion, I still kept the doors open. The final straw for me was a text that he sent me saying that "im sorry that you damaged me but I will no longer be controlled and manipulated". Those words cut me so deep. I still can't get past it. I was the mother who went to extremes to make sure my kids were never damaged emotionally. The mother who wanted my kids to always see both parents sitting in the stands at their games to have that memory forever, not knowing that I made their father go to the game. The mother who protected them from knowing of their fathers first affair because I thought it was a mistake and these kids shouldn't lose respect for their dad or look at him badly. I wanted them to be proud of their parents. I would have stayed in a loveless marriage so they would always feel safe and always feel like they had a home base. And he says those words to me? I damaged him. At that point I wasn't taking anymore. All communication stopped. I thought he's not hearing from me now he will realized what he has said and done and I thought the lightbulb will go on and then he will come back and tell me he is so sorrry for that and all the undeserved disrespect. One month later I get a happy birthday text. I dont respond. The next month Merry Christmas. Again I dont respond. The remorse and apology never comes. Eventually the pleasantry text continue for both of us. Only holidays. Merry Christmas, Happy Birthday but nothing on Mothers Day. Obviously, everyone on this post understands that hurt. The day to celebrate the person who raised you, loved you, took care of you, gave you a good life and I get nothing. That's a hurt beyond words. This is the son that I was so close to. Always close to. Never could have imagined this happening. I miss my son but I feel like he needs to come back to me. I can forgive him but I can't forgive if hes not sorry and if he thinks what he did was acceptable. I won't allow him to treat me that way. At this point I feel like this is the way it is and the way it will be and I will never stop loving him in my heart and will never stop hurting in my heart....See MoreAdults estranged from parents
Comments (8)Hello all! First, let me just say that English is not my native language, so if you see something misspelled (like my username!) or some expression that doesn't make much sense, I apologize in advance. It took me a few days just to read all of your posts. It makes me feel a bit better knowing that I'm not alone, but still doesn't make the pain go away. I started at about a month ago my process of estranging my parents. I’m 31 years old and it took really a lot for me to realize the truth and face that I was left with no other choice. I’ll explain you why this happen, but first, I have some serious challenges to face and learn to cope with during my estrangement process. Challenge 1: I work in the same company as my mother! Even though we do not work even in the same building, we still have random encounters, such as accidently cross in the canteen, or in the parking lot. Challenge 2: unlike my brother, that went to work in a foreign country (something like 2400km~1500miles), my house is only at 8km (5miles) from theirs. And no, at the moment, moving it’s not an option for numerous reasons. I’m learning how to deal with this, still at an early stage. And, finally, Challenge 3: I have no insurance coverage for the therapist, so I had to reduce the frequency of the appointments, to ease the life on the household expenses, especially since we are in a financial crisis and taxes just keep skyrocketing! Regarding the estrangement. What caused it. It all comes from long years ago, since I can remember. My family is pure and simply dysfunctional. My father is a spoiled selfish guy, that believes that mankind exists just to serve his wishes. He believes that he belongs to some sort of superior race (yeap, nazi style!) and mistreats everyone around. Even though we try to remind him that his own mother used to belong to the what-he-calls-the-inferior-race, he uses his selective amnesia skills. He is a looser that doesn’t try hard for anything, even though he was lucky to find a job that pays way above the national average. He is smokes weed and axis for many years now, what increases his paranoia and delusions. When people ask me why don’t smoke weed and stuff when I go to Amsterdam, here’s why! My mother, on the other hand, used to belong to family and, some day, her father vanished, leaving my mother, her 3 brothers and sisters and her mother with no money. At the time, my grandmother didn’t work. So, in a blink of an eye, she went from an economical stable life style to a situation where she had to work for survival of the whole family. My grandmother didn’t work and she was dysfunctional herself towards my mother. That turned my mother into an extremely jealous person, possessive and what people call a “weekend alcoholic”. In working days, she controls herself more or less, but on non-working days, she drinks like very few do even on college parties! Well, I’ll tell you a couple of episodes that describe the emotional abuse that has always reined around my family and how they act. When I was around 8, my brother went to first grade elementary school (he had just turned 6). At school, he had problems articulating sentences, he didn’t use the words in the right place in the sentences. His teacher told my parents that he was mentally challenged and should be followed by the correct therapists. In that very same day, my father started to mistreat my mother and brother, making them to run away from home for a few a days. In the meantime, he tried to turn me (an 8 year old!!!) against them! Well, after things cooled down, they returned home and my brother went to therapy. And guess what, after taking tests, he was found to be way more intelligent than the average kids of his age! And as he was on an age where we learn how to articulate speech, his reasoning was way faster than his ability to speak, so he was clumsy while talking. Now, as he was not “retarded” after all, he was already a fine kid, worthy of my father’s love and attention. Other episodes happened while my mother is alone at home with us. As my father took shifts on his work, he was not at home sometimes during weekends or in the evening. My mother stated to drink and she fires her anger towards us. She did it countless times. Yelling, threatening that she would abandon us (even when we were at ages around 10 ou 12 years old), etc. She and my father just love and hate each other. In a minute they are kissing, in the other minute they are fighting, screaming, throwing things at each other, etc. But in the middle of all this, I was always the one in that family that tried to put out the fires. The one that took it all, that tried, at any price, reach a few more days of cease-fire. And then, it came the day I met the woman with whom I went to live together. First, her family belong to the “so called inferior race” (note: inferior race are not just a matter of skin colour, also people of lower income, lower education, etc.). Second, they realized I don’t belong to them only. Since then, things just got worse and worse. My mother just kept on calling me (sometimes drunk, sometimes sober) yelling at me, insulting my wife, insulting me, etc. One day, we organized a dinner at our place with both our parents, to give them the best news ever: my wife was pregnant. When we told, her parents jumped off the seats happy. My parents, for a few seconds were in shock, as if they were told that someone died on a car accident. And since the pregnancy and the child’s birth, things just kept going, with me always trying to put out the fires. Until one day, some weeks ago, it all exploded for the last time. I arranged with them to spend Sunday afternoon with them, together with my daughter. And, as we only arranged for the afternoon, in the morning, we went to the beach with my in-laws. While I was at the beach, they called to confirm at what time would we meet. When they realized that we were “committing the offense” of spending the morning with my “inferior race in-laws” and only the afternoon with them, they started once again, screaming, mistreating me, etc. And that was it. It was the day when I said enough. After getting home, giving diner to the baby, putting her to bed, etc., I just started to cry like I’ve never, ever, cried before. It was just way too many years of this. I don’t see myself in the role they tried to bring up. I don’t believe in “superior” or “Inferior” races. I don’t believe that women are worse than man, gays are worse than straight, Africans are worse than Europeans, etc. I don’t believe that people are there to serve us. I believe in equality, peace, love, caring, etc. I believe that if we want something we have to work for it. I believe we should help those in need. I believe that you can be either a good or a bad person regardless of whether you are son of a king or from a single mom in a ghetto. And I want my life! I want to be myself! I don’t want to feel the adrenaline rushing in my body when the phone rings because it might be them screaming at me for no reason again. I don’t want to be with them just because they brought me to the world and feel entitled to mistreat me and take it all on me. I don’t want to feel the anger I feel inside of me towards them, because I just don’t believe in anger. Anger only brings more sadness. Now, I’m doing therapy, starting my estrangement despite the additional challenges I have to face. Sorry for the XL text, but it’s the first time I write about it. For those who did it, thanks for reading it. Honestly!...See Morenjtea
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