Being a stepmom to adult children whose mother has died
clg080611
11 years ago
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Comments (7)
justmetoo
11 years agolast modified: 9 years agoceph
11 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
For those whose adult children are estranged....
Comments (27)Hello, i'm new to this, but felt i really needed to reach out because i feel i'm at my darkest hour and i really need someone to tell me i'm not alone. I have two children, ages 19 (daughter) and 16(son), their father and i divorced 6 years ago, and under special circumstances, he was the primary guardian and i the secondary one. In 2007 i made the worst decision of my life, i had gotten remarried to someone in Jordan, i was only supposed to be there for three months. 1 year and a half later, i finally managed to escape and come back home. My ordeal in Jordan was severely traumatic, i was severely abused, tortured, and left for dead. I remember calling my ex-husband here in canada to help me because i knew i would die there if someone didn't get me out, what i got was 'you made your bed, you can lie in it, as for the children, if you ever want to see them again, you'll have to go through family court'. When i heard the dial tone i felt all was lost. Somehow, i made it back, the only thing keeping me alive everyday i was tortured was the thought of seeing my children again ( my children and i were extremely close before i left, and i never foresaw that my passport and all my ID would be taken,,). Once i came back i was in for a huge shock. In the time that i was gone, it didn't take long for my ex-husband to tell the children that i had chosen to stay and didn't want anything to do with them. They were so young, and he broke their hearts, i never knew any of this until i had come back. I came back in 2009 and i have tried everything, i was patient and i loved them without bounds, and over and over again i tried to prove myself to them, but the damage has been done. With all of this, i moved back with my parents and my children are with their father on a military base. They are only 4 hours away, but i am not to call, write, or even visit. My daughter has told me she wants nothing to do with me, as for my son, his father has told him he wants nothing to do with me, but that if he wants to he can. What child would ever go against their parent if they're the one with the money and house, etc.? I'm in school and am graduating in about 2 weeks. Once i get a salary, i'll be saving money to get my own place, etc. Not a night goes by where i don't cry or miss my children so much that the pain is killing me everyday, i really feel i have no purpose in life anymore, my children were my world, and they don't want to have anything to do with me, it's been like this since i left, but even worse since 2009. My daughter has openly admitted that she could not care if i lived or died and wants no communication from me, as for my son, he will not communicate at all, they have my phone number and email,,but nothing,,,i feel this pain will completely crush me and i have no idea what to do,,,the oeverwhelming hatred i feel for my ex is also wearing me out,,,i just want to know if things do get better as time goes by, and if it doesn't, how do i go on living when i hear their voices in my head from when they were young children all the time?...See MoreHELP !! Adult Child with a Manipulative Controlling Stepmom
Comments (31)Briley, this post was written a while back but I hope you still read the comments. I can so relate to you. My dads wife came into the picture and acted nice as pie at first..then she slowly drove a wedge between my dad and I. Her jealousy of your relationship with him and concern for $$ after he dies I believe are her motivating factors -as are my dads wife's motivations and concerns. I truly feel that if they don't care about the adult children -they really don't care about their spouse. Caring for your spouse is being cordial and welcoming at the very least to your husbands children-no matter what age. My dads wife has wrapped such a web around him-he cannot even see what she's done to us and our father daughter bond. ): and the grandchildren. My advice to you is to make plans often (3x) week to see your dad outside the house without her-quick coffee, dinner, breakfast, a walk on his lunch break -keep your bond strong before he retires. Once retired, the talons get even stronger. I am so very sorry and I can relate more then you even know. It's really really important to not let her keep you from having one on one time with your dad. My dads wife would call and talk to my dad for 20 mins when I was out having a special lunch with him. She would tell me as they left my house"they were going home to have some fun". It makes me want to throw up. She would exhibit naked statues around the house when we came to visit with young children saying it was art. She's highly jealous and suspicious if I am talking alone with my dad like I am the other woman. Some people are really mental. I wish every day that my dad had never married her and ruined our family....See MoreChildren and Adults
Comments (60)I know bio mothers in intact families who read their daughters diary. It doesnt make it any less wrong. Privacy issues arent step family or non step family related. You reap what you sow with children, and if you snoop, expect to raise a snooper. If you are sarcastic, expect sarcasm. If you think someone is an annoying piece of work, expect them to think you are annoying. Most of the step moms who post on this forum are genuinely concerned about their families. Yes, many of them have a chip on their shoulder about the biomom, and blame problems on her, which may, or may not be fair. But overall most of the stepmoms do care about their stepkids and want to do the right thing by them There are a few stepmoms who post here that have made it obvious they dislike their stepchild, and have ever since the first time they met the child. They consider the problems in their home to be the stepchilds behaviour and although they are quick to point the finger at the bio mom for causing the child to act that way, they are clear that the child p*sses them off. THeir reactions are obviously annoyed at the child, and then peripherally at the biomom. They are incapable of separating the childs actions from the actions of the biomom. A very few of these posters are regular posters. I see nothing but trouble ahead for the marriages and/or family relationships of these posters. In my opinion, either their marriage will fail down the road because of the blatant dislike they show toward their stepchild, or the stepchild will at some point become alienated from their father and refuse to visit or talk to the father, because the child cant stand the stepparent. There are also a few posters who seem to see only the bad in their stepchild, and only the good in their own child. I think that it is more or less common in life to hold other peoples children to a higher standard than our own. Think of the relatives and neighbours around you. Most of us can easily see the problems with their kids, right? But love tints our vision of our own children. This is also a problem with bio dads who see only the good in their children, and stepmom sees the problems, and cant get dad to accept that the problem exists - also a reoccuring theme in the posts on this forum You cant force love, and you cant force good feelings. If they arent there, its hard to achieve harmony in a home. But adults should be the ones biting their tongue and giving the most. Expecting the kid to be the bridge builder isnt going to solve anything....See MoreBeing a custodial step-mom
Comments (27)One parent cannot MAKE the other parent do anything.... not even take care of their own offspring. It really is sad. My SD9 lives with us and her mom wants to be her best friend but doesn't want her. I can totally relate because my SD's mom also has the "it doesn't work for me" attitude and she takes her kids with her when it's convenient for her or she needs to see them (they listen to HER problems, they give HER moral support, etc.) and when she wants the attention of being a mom, her kids are the props so people see her as a mom. It's never about what the kids want or need. But, that's another issue. In your case, you've been raising her since she was 4 and there's a reason her mom didn't. Her mom doesn't want her now and that's terribly sad for this child/teen, because it's hard enough to be a teenager and what every kid wants is to be loved... unconditionally. It's really unfair to say "now that you're a teenager & acting up, we want to get rid of you.... let your mom deal with you!" when you know her mom doesn't want her. Some of the things you describe are normal teen behavior.. testing the boundaries & ascertaining if they truly are loved unconditionally. Many of us were rebellious teenagers and not all rebellious teens come from a divorced family or step family situation. I believe it can be more complicated with steps involved but it also has to do with how it's perceived and how everyone reacts to it. I'd agree that it's more likely to be taken personally in a step situation where the step parent's children are not yet teens & the step parent has no idea how to deal with teens. In my situation, my kids are grown & I've dealt with three teens and I have concerns about what it will be like with my SD in a few years. Her mom allows her to do all sorts of things that we feel are shaping her to be a nightmare teenager. (ie. lets her dress 'sexy', puts fake tattoos on her belly, teaching her 'sexy' dance moves, puts nasty rap songs on her ipod, lets her watch R rated movies, etc.) and not a day goes by that I don't wish her mom would take more of an interest in raising her and being there for her. At this point, I'd be happy if she'd answer her phone or **gasp** pick up her own phone & call her daughter and if she would stop canceling her weekends... but we can't 'make' her. **sigh** However, it would be the wrong thing to decide to 'throw her back' because she's being difficult. Trust me, I've thought it & I've pondered it on here... 'should I throw in the towel?' but as hard as it is and as frustrating as it can be, giving up on a child is only going to make things worse. I also understand how hard it is when you are raising your kids & you don't want them to pick up on a bad influence but I have three kids and my oldest one did things that I worried would be a bad influence on my two younger ones... but he's my son. It was a good lesson for my two younger ones to learn.. that we don't turn our back on family. Your SD is family....See Moreclg080611
11 years agolast modified: 9 years agojustmetoo
11 years agolast modified: 9 years agoSTEPH
6 years agolast modified: 6 years agosushipup1
6 years ago
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