That all makes sense.

This is a BooHoo post.

My Step-daughter has informed my husband that she will be getting married in 3 years. Since her finacee is
graduating from college this December and starting a job in another state, and since SD will graduate a year from December, I suspect that they will actually get married in
Summer 2009.

SS told my husband that he was worried about her wedding.
I told DS to inform everyone if that their concern was with me, that as usual, I wouldn't attend, and I didn't expect my name to be included on the invitations. The only part
that I will participate in is in paying for the wedding.

So, Boo Hoo.

But I know I could never win by trying to be involved, and it's best that way. I know that they don't want me to be involved.

So, what does a typical big church wedding and country club reception cost these days? I'm thinking about 20-30K?

lafevem -- my guess, just my guess, is that parents still in first marrriga are more likely to pay. As to mom -- statistics show that women after divorce find their finances tank, whereas mens improve. It would be interesting if someone gathered statistics on parents supporting adult children by intact family v. divorced.

kkny....as far as women's finances tanking...that is why my grandmother told me to go to college and make sure I could always support myself and not have to depend on a man. If more women took that advice, I guess they wouldn't find themselves in that situation. And once again...you deal with the lumps you get in life. If your hubby leaves, then you pick yourself up by the bootstraps and do what you gotta do. You get over the poor pitiful me, what I am entitled to, etc. and you make your way in the world.

Southernsummer....20-30k at least. Don't feel bad...I will most likely be in the same boat very soon.

It is not the issue of Xwife depending on her X. It is responsiblities to children.

When I was young we did not think of borrowing money from our parents like the kids do today. My dad kept a $20 bill folded in his wallet to "loan" to my sister, she paid it back on payday, he put it back in his wallet for the next time. I remember borrowing $5. once to take my family to the drive in with my sis and her family. There was none of this I can't pay the rent, car payment, etc. every month or so. The only one of his kids that likes me, is the one who grew up to the point where he didn't borrow. Money and adult kids cause a lot of hard feelings that never seem to go away.

kkny...what you are failing to grasp is parents do not have ANY responsibility to children once they are 18 (at least legally and in intact families). If they choose to help their children after that time, that is a gracious and wonderful thing to do. Most parents do continue to help out of generosity and the desire to help their children. BUT..there is no law that requires it. Divorced fathers are often forced to take care of children after the age of 18 and that is just not equitable. I understand you won't accept this concept, but morally it is not fair for a divorced father to be required to do things a court would never force a father from an intact family to do.

As the child of divorced parents who DESPISE each other, I have a few points to make.

First off, my father was obligated to pay for my college. It was in the divorce papers. The divorce papers that HE signed. Nobody forced him to, he did it on his own accord, as does every father out there who is financially obligated to pay for half of college. If fathers don't want to pay for college, they should have negotiated that at the time of the divorce. It isn't the kid's fault, it isn't the mother's fault. It is the father's fault for agreeing to it.

Second, yes, I've asked for help from my father. I think most people end up being in a situation where they need help. Thankfully I could ask my father for money instead of going to a church or the government.

It has been a VERY long time since I've asked for help. For him, it is easier for him to give me money than it is for me to deal with withdrawing it from my trust. That's for my retirement. I'm happily married, for 13 years, with 2 kids, and doing very well financially now, but it wasn't that way 12 years ago.

We're in a place now where we don't have to worry about the bulk of college expenses. But we, as a married couple, have planned for it if we should move. When our girls graduate, we'll help them if they need it. IMO, that's what parents do.

KKNY, I'm interested in this as you know I have issues w/ much of the same.

I think the problems w/ SMs and what seems to be endless of support of adult skids is that those adults never gave a lot of respect to many of the SMs. It's hard to watch YOUR money, when it is YOUR money, go out the window to a bunch of people who never gave you the time of day. Now, my situation has improved, and I am not opposed to DH helping the younger SD get on her feet as she only graduated in May. However, I do have a problem when the support for the grown kids is completely one-sided. If I saw their mother making a little effort, too, I'd be less apt to gripe about it 'always being us' esp. since we are under extreme financial stress right now.

Also, it is completely different when kids cannot make ends meet for an average standard of living vs. kids cannot make ends meet because they refuse to drive cars they CAN afford and weekly manicures/pedicures are necessities as routine maintenance.

I have HUGE issues w/ my parents (mostly mom - parents are married) and how they have always enabled my brother. My brother doesn't have the huge sense of entitlement that my skids have, but he can't manage money from one day to the next. Mom will always help brother (in his mid-late forties!) w/ child support of my dear nephews, rent, car ins, etc. Brother drives an older car, lives in a simple place, doesn't have any luxuries...but always has enough money to go drinking on the weekends. That irks the heck out of me! I mean, if you KNOW you have CS/rent due on Monday, how dare you dump all that money in the bars! I get irate.

Seeing this mistake by my parents has made more sensitive to these issues and I don't want Dh to make the same mistakes and have us supporting his kids forever. Like I said, it's for different reasons: brother lives simply, but dumps money to bartenders on Fri. night...skids live well beyond their means. I don't think either is learning the right message from parents. DH has also always criticized my parents for helping out my brother - comes up every time we have a disagreement on ANYTHING, so I'm more upset to watch him make a lot of the mistakes my parents made 20 yrs. ago w/ my brother...

And, if my parents had money, I guess it would be easier to rationalize, but they don't and go w/o plenty of things they'd like to have. If DH and I had money, again, it wouldn't be an issue. But to be told in April, after working only a few months, that his DD (who lived w/ us Nov-last week) had over $4K in a retirement when we didn't have four cents, was a bit of a punch to my stomach. This, while we paid/pay all her bills. We'll see what happens now that she's 'on her own' at the rental...
D

azura....First of all, if your father agreed to that in the divorce papers, he was obligated to follow through. I have said many times on this board that if a father agrees to something in the decree, he has no choice but to follow through.

Secondly, it is wonderful you have a father who is generous. Mine is as well. He has helped us on several occasions. My point however is, he was not forced by the courts to help his 32 year old daughter. It was his CHOICE. My issue is forcing fathers via court order to help a child after the age of 18 when a father from an intact family could not be forced to do that as well. That doesn't make sense. And good for you that you have prepared for your daughter's future. My DH and I have as well. Like I posted earlier, SD will continue to receive the CS directly after the age of 18 from her father, and now it will actually be to her benefit. Again, this is a moral issue. Children are NOT entitled to money from a parent after the age of 18. It should be the PARENT'S CHOICE, just as it would be in an intact family. And, Yes I do believe some of these dads need to get a more aggressive lawyer and stop signing everything put before them.

After the age of 18, they're really not children any more. The law will hold them responsible for any contracts they sign, infractions they commit, etc. Their parents cannot compel them any more either. So, they should be learning to function as independent adults by that stage.
And while 34% of adults may be getting parental financial assistance, how much? Total support? A little help with the rent from time to time?
We helped our daughter once she left school, first with rent and spending money while she was studying, then with part rent assistance, then less rent assistance, when she looked settled we stopped (she was 22). We're not going to be around forever so she needs to learn how to look after herself, just as we did.
As far as " how much for luxourious retirement v. how much for adult kids"- how dare ANY kids expect their parents' retirement money, luxurious or not, be spent on them? The parents worked for it, they should be able to enjoy however they want to it in their retirement. If the kids want a better lifestyle, let THEM work for it as their parents did. Today too many kids want to start off with all the accoutrements their parents had, without considering that these are assets the parents have built up over a lifetime, having in most cases started out with little and working for it over the years.

Colleen, you rock. That's exactly how things SHOULD work. Nobody over the age of 18 is entitled to anything. You work, you get. Pretty simple.

My 16 year old SD is working two jobs this summer--working her tail off, but she figured out that if she does that and puts it all into a savings account, that she'll have $$ when she wants something. I hope that it's making an impression....! And I think that it is.

...and if the woman's standard of living drops after divorce, well that's her own damn fault. Even if you're married, you should be armed and ready to support yourself or your family. Things happen whether or not we like it. I've been forced into the position of taking care of our family for the last six months due to my husband's illness. Nobody came and repo'd the cars and my mortgage is still current. That's the least I can do.

Hi, Lafavem

Thanks for your message. I'm sorry you are in the same
situation, but I'm glad that I'm not the only person in the
world that finds themself in this situation.

Doesn't it hurt? I am trying to become bullet proof, but
my typical script is to do too much for people, and then to
get my feelings hurt when they don't appreciate what I do for them. Actually with my step-kids, in the past, I typically do to much for them, and then they resent me for being in a position to help them.

The pain is unbearable, but I will brush myself off, and plan some fun things to do with my kids.

I remember on my 40th birthday, it also was homecoming at
our big state university. It was DH's and SD's tradition to go to the homecoming football game together. It was an overnight trip. Hmm. What to do? My husband chose her.
So I turned lemons into lemonade and set up a spa weekend trip with my sister to Savannah, Georgia. It was a lovely weekend with my sister, but I missed my husband. It hurt
to know that he didn't pick me. Maybe we could have all gone together, but that option was offered. That's how I feel now. Maybe I will plan a great trip with my kids for that time. But it will still hurt, just the same.

I have found a wonderful book called "Step Wars" and am learning so much from it.

If the DH & SM put their marriage as a priority, almost any problem can be handled whether emotional or financial. Children can expect from their parents whatever they want but parents have the right to establish boundaries.

Some families don't have any boundaries whatsoever - whatever is mine is yours, etc. In a family-setting that may be fine for that particular family. In society, however, it can be disastrous when the family members are no longer living or financially able to continue this pattern. At this point, the dependent "adult" child must now make his way in the world independently and that's pretty tough to learn when you've been dependent to some degree all your life.

We tend to learn life lessons faster when we're in the "window of age" opportunity where those life-lessons are easiest to learn because we want to learn them, i.e. at age-appropriate years. After this window of time passes, we can become crippled and that, therein, lies a potentially unhappy and sad life.

Almost every teenager who doesn't have a summer birthday is still in high school when he or she turns 18. Do you really think it is ok to stop supporting them on their 18th birthday?

Children from intact families are much more likely to complete college than are children in stepfamilies.

When we were married, both of us DID expect to support our children through college. It was only after he left that my husband decided he didn't want to (even though he had committed to in the divorce decree).

If you aren't willing to support your kids through college, you shouldn't have children in this day and age. It is almost impossible to get a decent job without a college degree (especially if you don't happen to be really talented in mechanics or something similar). It is almost impossible to put yourself through college with no help from your parents, and if your parents have money, you will get little financial aid.

There are PLENTY of people who make it through life without a college degree. It is not impossible. Society still needs people to do our hair, repair our streets, remodel our homes, and defend our country--just to name a few. No, they're not glamorous jobs but they're an honest day's work nonetheless and necessary for our society to function.

It is a myth that everyone needs a college degree. They don't. It is gross elitism to state that only those who can afford college educations for their offspring should reproduce.

Not those who can "afford" college educations. If you are not willing to support your children through college to the best of your financial ability. If you ARE actually poor, the children will be eligible for scholarships. The problem arises when one or both parents has a high paying job yet is not willing to contribute to college. The colleges see the primary financial responsibility as belonging to the family, and the kids will not get any money other than the small Stafford loan. It is almost impossible to be declared emancipated from the college's point of view if you are under 23. You have to meet one of these requirements:

" * You were born before January 1, 1984;
* You are married;
* You are or will be enrolled in a master's or doctoral program (beyond a bachelor 's degree) during the 2007Â08 school year;
* You have children who receive more than half their support from you;
* You have dependents (other than your children or spouse) who live with you and who receive more than half their support from you and will continue to receive more than half their support from you through June 30, 2008;
* You are an orphan or ward of the court (or were a ward of the court until age 18); or
* You are a veteran of the U.S. Armed Forces ("veteran" includes students who attended a U.S. service academy and were released under a condition other than dishonorable)."

(from http://www.thesalliemaefund.org/smfnew/sections/ask.html#a8)

Surely you would not recommend getting married or having children at 18 just to qualify for financial aid.

It is hugely unfair to put the burden of risking their lives in Iraq on those who are either poor or have unsupportive parents, or who are not academically talented enough to attend college.

While it is true that you can earn a decent living as a licensed electrician or a few other skilled trades, these require fairly extensive training and quite a bit of talent. The vast majority of decent paying jobs require a college degree, and you can't support a family, or even yourself, on the wages earned in almost any service sector job. In addition, such jobs most often do not come with health insurance. With the decline of the manufacturing industry in the United States, a college education is by no means a luxury.

TOS...I would like to see your source for the statistic that children from intact families go to college more often than stepfamilies. I am willing to bet that if you do find the statistic, it actually refers to intact families versus a single parent home, many of which have been single since the get go..meaning they were never married to the child's father. That is a whole other story than most situations here.

In my state, ANYONE WHO GRADUATES WITH A B AVERAGE can go to community college for 2 years free and than can transfer to a state university for free if they retain a certain GPA. So, there goes that argument, at least if you live where I do. And again, I have no problem with any BF supporting his child for as long as he chooses, as long as it's his choice and not a courts. And every divorce decree I know of says a father must continue support until graduation if a child is still 18 and in high school.

Okay, here is the thing I have posted here a few times but have never stated my age because people tend to judge based upon age... But, the fact is I am only 24 years old... infact, I just recently turned 24...

I have been on my own supporting myself and paying for my own college tuition, rent, car etc. since I was 18 years old. I have had a job since I was 15. My parents did not kick me out at 18.. it was my choice to leave and be on my own... I lost my job once (I was laid off) and my parents stepped in a fronted my rent and lights for a month and chipped in for christmas since my lay off had hurt my savings. However, I have done it on my own... and I think that is exactly as it should be. I wanted a car... I got a job... I wanted a cell phone I worked more hours...Infact, I worked two jobs and had straight AP classes my senior year of high school and plenty of time to do what I wanted in between (and just in case you ar wondering a 3.5 gpa). (I took the second job because I could work out at the gym for free if I worked there) I wont lie and say it was all easy and carefree... but I will say I have a healthy respect for the dollar and for saving for my future. I know my parents would have loved if they could have afforded to pay for my college... but to be honest I would not have been as serious about making the grade if I wasnt paying for it (ie I am not wasting my money by failing this class or hurting my GPA)...

As for my children (all four of them) I set aside something each month for them. No one knows about this money and no one will (especially their BM) But when they each graduate there will be something to help them out... whether it be an apartment or college or whatever. However, in the mean time if my children want something like a car or cell phone they will get a job and they will earn it. I think this is the only way to truly grow up and appreciate what the world has to offer.

I congradulate all those who worked their way through college, etc., but not everyone does. And to say go to CC and then to state school -- are you saying that only children of intact families can go to private schools, or even expensive state schools? That may be closer to the truth, but I think it is problematic. And why should I as a taxpayer, support higher education for children whose dad could afford it, but just doesnt want to? And I know your arguement, that no one forces parents in intact families to pay for college -- I just think less of an issue.

Here is one source of statistics on the subject:

"In families in which women care for both their stepchildren and biological children, the biological child, on average, went to college for a year, while the average stepchild did not go to college.

Children reared by a stepfather also have lower educational achievement than those reared by both biological parents, although, as in most other measures, the negative effect is only about half as much as with stepmothers. "

From the New York Times, http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9801E4DA173EF934A2575BC0A9669C8B63&sec=health&spon=&pagewanted=1

You can't go free to a state university where I live. Although excellent performance at the community college level will guarantee you admission to the state university system, there is no guarantee of any financial aid.

One of my kids transfered with a GPA of 3.98 out of 4.00 - yet she did not receive nearly enough financial aid. It costs about $10,000 for tuition and another 7000 - 8000 in room and board. If you don't qualify for Perkins loans and Pell Grants, etc., how on earth could a teenager ever come up with that much money? Private student loans require a cosigner - and their father wouldn't cosign for a loan and I am too poor to be acceptable.

mom of 4:

My hat's off to you in a BIG way! You
should be very proud of yourself.

I can't recall your specifics. You have bio and Skids?

Either way, I have done the same thing for my DNephews that I largely raised. The oldest graduated H.S. recently and I was happy to be able to hand over to him the little savings I had for him. I was reluctant, but w/ his autism, etc, I wasn't sure of his plans regarding further schooling or whatever, so I figured this would help him out til he finds his way. And, w/ my own $ woes, I didn't want to be tempted to dip into it! His parents never knew about the account, but amazingly, after he received this, his father asked me if the middle one could use a little of the savings they all knew I had for them for a cell phone bill! I said, "No. It's a graduation gift and if I let him dip into it whenever he text messages too much, I'll be handing him an empty card next year..."

D

Or you could have my SD who goes to a private university at $45,000 per year and party your heart out......such that you get a 2.7 for a GPA, get fired from your job, and still expect Daddy to pay.....well, I'm proud to say that my husband refuses to pay for her last 2 years because she violated all the terms of his conditions (job, minor student loan, GPA, no lying.....). So, one could say he is evil for refusing to pay for his child's education, but at what point should the "child" (she's 20) be expected to actually contribute something to HER OWN LIFE?????

By the way, I'm one who did community college for 2 years, then state university.......on loans while working full-time. Guess what? No one knows or cares about the community college and I make a very good living now.......and I have the honor and pride to tell everyone "I DID THIS -- NO ONE GAVE ME ANYTHING!"

Too bad many of these SK will get to experience that feeling because there are so many biomoms (and dads, probably) out there telling them that their stepmothers are taking "their share" of Dad's money and that they are owed so much more.....seriously, it's too bad.....

P.S. I did borrow money from my parents to buy a house -- and I paid them back their money and interest because I knew this was their retirement money they were "lending" me.....I never expected them to just keep handing me money after I became an adult.....

"In families in which women care for both their stepchildren and biological children, the biological child, on average, went to college for a year, while the average stepchild did not go to college."

This is an absolute shame. Our stepchildren may not belong to us biologically but they do our husbands. I can understand if parents can't afford college, intact families or otherwise, but to discriminate between a biological child and a stepchild is not only incredibly sad but alarming. This report not only illustrates the financial preferences in a stepfamily relationship (biological child vs stepchild) but other preferences detrimental to the health and welfare of a stepchild within the dynamics of a stepfamily (lower food spending, etc.). How horrifying!! And embarrassing!

theotherside: I read the article you listed above and hated it. So I searched for one that I liked!!!

http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/1999/04/26/stepmom/print.html

It doesn't have verifiable statistics, etc., but it speaks volumes of how I personally feel! That's gotta count for something!!!

This is a very interesting subject to me. My parents divorced when I was in High School, and there was no stipulation about college. I have 3 siblings, and my parents never saved for our educations, so when we were done HS, that was it. Either go to college on your own dime, or go to work. That was it. No options.

I have to say that I take some issue with the statement about fathers "agreeing" to terms of a decree. In all fairness, there are things that each parent has to give a little on when working out the agreement, but I know first hand that there are some things that are just not negotible at all, and no matter how much you may disagree, if the court rules on it, that's it. So, keep in mind that not all fathers who are "required" to pay for their childrens education actually "agreed" to it, rather it was "decided for them".
I have friends who have college age children, who are "required" to pay for a 40k a year school for his son. He only makes 75k a year. He didn't "agree" to that, he fought it and lost. He would have been glad to pay support to emancipation 18-23 depending on status of education, but that wasn't an "option"

My DH's agreement doesn't require him to pay for college, but he will have to pay support to emancipation (18-23 depending on status of education).

Either way, it's way more than what I got.

I am another who did the community college, state university thing, and I have always made a good living. In fact, a couple of years ago, I taught with a young lady who went to a private women's college and left with 80,000 dollars in loans. Funny we both made the same paycheck at the end of the day and noone cared where we graduated, only that we both had degrees in Elementary Education from an accredited institution.

I had one child who went to a private college, and another who transferred to a state university from a two year college. Although the private college graduate has more student debt personally, the amount of debt I incurred is very similar. And the graduate of the private college is earning twice what her sibling earns.

lonepiper,

I sure there are other stepparents like yourself who care about the welfare of their stepchildren, but I see and hear of so many who do not, or who are so blinded by jealousy and insecurity that they cause their stepchildren to suffer.

And the reason many stepkids are in dire financial circumstances is because biomoms choose to use the CS for other things besides their children. And like another poster said, if you're broke, that is your own fault. My son's CS (and yes, it's his, not mine) pays for him to go to a private school. I don't use HIS CS to pay my bills. That is my responsiblity and I would have had to have a roof over my head, electricity, water, etc. with or without him, so I don't think that is what HIS CS is intended for. If my DH's ex used the CS my DH pays every month for her kid's education, they could have attended any college they wanted to.

TOS...I was surprised to see you state you incurred debt. In an earlier post, you said you were too broke to be considered a co-signor on a private college loan? Now you are saying, you helped pay?

Wow, what a generalization here -- because MANY moms use CS for other things. Where do you get that from? If we want to generalities, most CS is too small to help. And who says CS isnt to be used for a share of rent, etc. That is not what the courts say. Many moms have larger apartments becuase of children. Every time I see a posting like this I now to hold firm on demands with X.

kkny...then don't be surprised that he has no relationship with DD. You are using her as a financial pawn, and that is going to do nothing but build resentment.

I guess we have to differ. I see standing up for her. YOu see using her as a pawn. Which I really dont understand. Using her as a pawn would mean trying to use her to get something. What am I trying to get -- nothing -- only for her. I see some (not all) SMs concentrating on how to get more of DHs money for them.

My DH's money is not his, it's ours. Just as I'm sure you considered your former husband's money yours when you were married. Just because I am his second wife does not make me any less his wife. So, I don't have to try to "get" his money for myself. It's mine anyways.

Yes, I can easily qualify for Parent PLUS loans, because they require only good credit, and my credit rating is very good. The private loans have a maximum debt/income ratio requirement.

You can NOT assume that people who have no money are to blame for that. That is ridiculous, and degrading to those many single mothers and others who work hard but do not earn enough to cover all their expenses.

Child support is not merely for extras. It is supposed to cover food, clothing, shelter, etc. Are you telling me that I could have fit four or more children in a studio apartment, since I needed a roof over my head anyway? Are you trying to tell me that my children do not use any electricity or water, or that none of my automobile costs are related to driving them to their activities and appointments? Are you trying to tell me that I could send them to private school on the $33 each per week that I received for each of them - which, by the way, was supposed to cover any childcare as well?

College is not for everyone ...

My 22 yr old D busted her butt had excellent grades in HS, attended school everyday, worked two part-time jobs while in HS. She was awarded many scholarships and received financial aid and grants for the rest. Tuition was paid in full because she earned it. At 22 she lives on her own pays all her own bills knows the value of a dollar. Works a full-time job, a part-time job and goes to school part-time at night.

My 18 yr SD barely attended school, barely passed each year of HS with the help of summer school. Spent more time doing her hair than doing homework. Couldn't work and go to school at the same time it was too stressful. Wants to take a year off to figure out what she wants to do as an "adult". Never finished anything she started. Drama club, TV club, modeling school, Music lessons, dance lessons singing lessons quit with in a couple of weeks of being paid for ... except modeling school they are still after me because I was the one who signed the paperwork.

Her father says he is not going to pay for college if she wants to go she has to figure out a way to pay for it. Instead of playing games in HS she should have figured out a way to go to college.

Lavefm, when I was married, my H and I pooled our paychecks. Most years he made more. I worked outside the home the entire time I was married and raised child. His current GF doesnt work, and doesnt take care of his child. According to him, they do not pool money, they live in his house. She does buy her own food (he travels much on business). So I do regard it is as his money. I think he does also. When we were married it was ours. Every marriage has its own arrangement re money. When parents share a child, it is less likely to have a total his and hers arrangment. IMHO.

Cawfecup -- I have learned from this board that every SM is better than every mom, that every child of SM is perfect etc. OK, but it doesnt mean that the child of the first marriage deserves less. Every child needs an appropriate education. My brother is smarter than I am. He got a full no-need 4 year scholarship to a prestigous school. My mother paid for my sister and me. All three of us make a good living. In a bio family (my father died, my mom never remarried) parent(s) make decisions on a number of factors. When it is a step-family, it gets more difficult.

Cawfecup, when you talk about your own children, your pride shows. This is great, and as it should be with a mom talking about her children. What I see from this board is SMs talking about SKids in the meanest, basest way, that a mother would never talk. What I get out of this is to be very careful, and keep DD away from dad's GF.

See what I meant lavefm on the other post.

I get "bashed" instantly by certain posters. Doesn't matter what I post about certain posters have something to say so I end up having to repeat/defend myself again and again on the same issues.

vistapdf - I have one daughter one step daughter and two step sons...a whole crew of them

Also, I read that article and while it pains me to think that some of those statistics are based upon the fact that some sm's probably dont give a hoot about the skids that they are raising.... I think that there are a lot of outside issues that are not and can not be represented solely by the numbers ... ie the emotional well being of the child and family... and not necessarily due to "neglect" from the sm... and so on

I am not certain there are that many SMs deliberately difficult to skids (other than the SM to TOS's kids), but lets be honest -- most moms favor their own kids -- of course we do. A mom is a mom, not a teacher, who should be fair to all and not show favortism.

I can truly say I do not favor my own kids over my SK's. They are all my kids. As far as finances go, my sk's sometimes do get less because the amount of child support my DH pays gets used by their mother for other things. We then have to buy clothes, school supplies, etc, for them but there is alot less in the pot because so much has already gone to their mom. My bio kids will most likely always have more because my parents are pretty well off and will pay their college, etc. My SD's families have not done that, and my DH or their mom did not plan well enough to help them with college either. We have told our SD 17 that we will send her to community college next year and make sure she has the funds to finish at community college and then go to our local university. BTW....these are the same 2 schools I attended.

I personally, have made it very clear to every person in my family and in my life that all of my kids (step and bio) will be treated the same way. If they want to contribute to college they better plan for four. I get a check for my daughter every month because her father died and I split it up and save it equally.... She has just as much of a loving and caring enviroment as the other three why should she get something substantial and they not. Its called, in my opinion, being a family everyone helps everyone out and everyone gets included no questions asked. This goes for more than just savings... birthdays christmas ... all of the above... if bio mom wants to bring christmas presents to our house she brings enough for all... if grandma wants to do for my daughter she better bring three more...

Infact, in a lot of cases my skids end up with more than bio daughter because I can not control what happens in bio moms end... but I will continue to do as I am doing and set an example for my daughter and skids.. about how families are and should be and to be happy and grateful for each other and what they have.

My parents do ALOT for my sk's as well. They took all of them to Disney for a week last year, and they always buy expensive Christmas and Birtday gifts for them. The college funds are a different story because I did not marry my DH until my oldest daughter was 15. That was a little too late in the game for my parents to plan on helping her. My parents started college funds for my kids when they were babies. They may be able to help my younger SD more but she is already 13 as well. I do feel it was my DH's responsiblity along with the bio mom to have planned for college when thier kids were much younger. Neither of them did, and that is not my parent's responsibility. We will do what we can now, but my SD's also have other grandparents who have chosen to do nothing, and my kids only have my parents.

"I am not certain there are that many SMs deliberately difficult to skids (other than the SM to TOS's kids)"

I just want it noted that this was HUGE! To everyone that has wanted KKNY to acknowledge that not all stepmothers were all the same, here it is.

Thank you KKNY.

I also have to agree with KKNY about possibly favoring your own biological children over stepchildren. I don't have children of my own but I doubt that my own mother would have favored anyone else more than me!! However, there is a huge difference between feeling more love in your heart for your own child and not giving your stepchild the same amount of food!!! There is a significant difference between feeling a more substantial connection with your own child and not providing your stepchild the same amount of eduction.

"I sure there are other stepparents like yourself who care about the welfare of their stepchildren, but I see and hear of so many who do not, or who are so blinded by jealousy and insecurity that they cause their stepchildren to suffer."

theotherside: I may not be blinded by jealousy but jealous I am sometimes!! I am sometimes jealous of the fact that I do and do and do and my stepdaughters' mother will do one tiny thing and the girls practically applaud her!! I need to always remind myself that I don't want them to like and/or love me for the things I do for them, I want them to like and/or love me for me, flaws and all!! Not the things I do for them or buy for them, etc. I like the fact that they take me for granted. It shows me that they know that I will be there for them and that they trust that I will be there for them. It still hurts sometimes, knowing that I'll forever be runner up in their hearts... I guess I'm riding the pity bus today!!!!

And there are some stepmothers who are jealous and insecure. Hopefully those of us on this forum can help them each step of the way (ha, ha!!).

Jerseystepmom: Amen to your CC post! Our family physician is a childhood friend of my father's from a tiny town in Ohio. He is now the primary caregiver to a prince from the middle east! (The Prince flies here and picks up the Dr. and they see the world whenever he'd like to. The Dr. is over 70 and semi-retired and Jewish so we always laugh as we wonder if the Prince knows the Dr. is a Jew and never got a college degree! We love him.) I mention this because the Dr. never got his Bachelor's degree and got his MD from Mexico! He's a great Dr. and no one asks nor cares where the schooling took place, just that he's a great DR!

Lafevm: I think it is so commendable the way you've handled things - repaying your parents, looking out for your skids and your biokids. I have to agree, too, that to me, college should be thought about EARLY! My DH and his X apparently had nothing for the kids saved up. If we get the ins. money from our fire soon, I've already told DH we're doing the pre-paid FL college thing for all three boys. That being said, I thought it was AWFUL that the BM in our case refused to help any of her three kids AT ALL. In fact, she wouldn't even go help them move to college for the first time! I don't think being chained to a room would prevent me from seeing my 'babies' off for the first time...but we're all different. You and I are a lot alike. My parents ALWAYS came over on Christmas w/ gift certificates and cash for my skids. (they rarely got 'thank you cards' initially but it has greatly improved over the years...)

TOS: Don't mention that 'co-signing' thing to me! I'm the fool who did that for SS and you know how that pans out...I was told, after the fact, that you should never cosign a loan you aren't willing to view as your own. Sheesh! If I hadn't done it, I'm sure the family would have had a field day w/ that. But, I did it and I believed in him despite his prima donna ways, etc. The BM was over two mos. ago and kind of made fun of me for cosigning. I was very angry. Never was there a "thanks" for anything I did for him and even his sisters. It was just, "I'd have NEVER signed a note for him! What were you thinking?" I said, "Well, I was once in the same boat and my g-father cosigned for me. It was a signature that stood between me and my dental degree and he did it w/ no questions asked. I thought J would finish and pay it back." I added that it wasn't enough money to lose your family over in case she ever heard from him...

D

Dana,

Why don't you sell the car? There are literally endless options to help relieve that financial burden while you wait for the money from the insurance to come in. My DH and I spend all of our "FREE TIME" working on our two cars, plus his company truck, as he has about 5 trophy's in the garage for car shows. I am now blessed with a scare over my head when I gashed it open from putting in a new clutch in his car back in December......getting off topic, sorry. Since it obviously just sits there why not get rid of it, you will be able to walk outside without cringing at the site of it! LOL unless you are using it as a yard ornament as my FIL would call it.

I sit down with all of my kids (bio and step) a couple of days after Christmas and we have a thank you note writing party. I even insist they write thank you notes to their mom's (for my SD's) family for any gifts they received and then we mail them out.

My parents did the Florida pre-paid for my two kids. That is what I was talking about earlier when I said it was too late to begin with my older kids. I think it is a great program.

I couldn't imagine not taking my children to college either. I remember my mom, dad and granny came with me and all decorated my dorm room lol. But, I can't imagine my daughter going to her first formal and refusing to show up to see her even when she calls and begs me to (My SD has pics with me going to her first formal, not her BM. That is her loss). Yes, I guess we are all different.

Angel:

3 years ago, SS got the car repo'd right after DH let him move to South Beach, which is not an area conducive to studying. It's a hip, partying place and, IMHO, was the beginning of the end for SS's college career. DH felt badly that SS was a 6 y. Sr. in a dorm, but at UM, dorm life wasn't uncommon for upperclassmen. Anyway, the car was in both DH and SS's names. DH sent SS money every month - a hefty part was for the car. I'm not sure how long you have to NOT pay for a car before the bank repo's it, but it happened. Instead of handing SS a bus pass, my husband moved heaven and earth to get it back. It took a few weeks if I'm correct. He had to refi it through another bank, solely in his (DH's) name this time. It was a very nice Lexus GS300. So, now when we tried to sell it, we'd have to take a $3000 hit and we just don't have it. I never dreamed we wouldn't be able to sell it and stop this nonsense so I had been pushing for DH to take the car back forever it seems. We've had it for a few months and it seems as though we keep paying down the balance, we're not getting anywhere as it depreciates and we always have neg. equity. He really drove it - the mileage is so high and in the end, he didn't take care of it. BTW, he either dropped out or failed out of school that semester because he 'couldn't go for weeks' til he got the car back. Sadly, that sums up my SS - if it isn't handed to him, he doesn't know the meaning of really working and roughing it for a short time. I was very foolish to cosign his student loan in retrospect, but w/ his champagne taste, I never really thought he'd settle for this kind of a life of being a bum. I still pray he'll turn it around - he is naturally very, very gifted - school came easy for him and he's drop dead gorgeous.

D

Dana,

you should email me about this car, give me some idea's as to what you have to work with. I might be able to help.

Dana,

He sounds like my SS. Similar story, only SS doesn't
repo cars, he wrecks them. (4)