long...vent...Not seeing new grandbaby, nervous DIL

12 years ago

I am heartsick today.
I have one child/son I am close to in the army. I love his wife, and we usually get along fantastic. My hubby and I are fortunate enough to be able to help them out, happily, on countless occasions, paying for their wedding, a second car, etc.
They dated, engaged and married in a year, the army the next, and then, this beautiful baby immediately after boot camp. They are almost 20 hours from us.
She planned a trip while son was gone for weeks. At first, they were coming here for a week. Then, she was going to stay for 3 nights. She and her mom were driving the 8 hours together and staying with her sister the rest.
None of our side of the family had met the baby, and were all thrilled. I have a 92 year old mother, and this is her great granddaughter, very exciting. I planned lunch for family and friends 1 of the 3 days.
They got here just before bedtime, I spent the next day with her one on one, then the party. 3 hours into it, when folks were starting to leave with one friend on the way who left work early and had an hour drive, and my DIL decided she was going back to her sisters house. The baby was up all the night before and neither slept. (we never heard a thing) The night previous, she was complaining about staying at her sisters, how happy she was here, and how well they both slept.
She has been a nervous about everything, the baby, their dog, etc. She can be very controlling, demanding, and quite manipulative, telling you things so you will do something her way, only to find out what she told you is not true. This is a point of contention my son and she have.
I know this adjustment has been hard for her; she and I discuss it frequently. I feel for her, am always here, we have great heart to hearts, and I try to roll with the punches as they come.
In hindsight, it looks like she planned to go home early with her parents but didn't tell me until the time arrived.
My family got to see the baby for only a few hours. They are all older with ill family members themselves, and it is not an option for them to travel to her and the baby down south.
Her mom has 6 grandchildren and a car drive away. No one seemed to understand how devastated I am that they cut our visit short. My granddaughter was a gem with everyone, we are bonded and she is easy and lovey with me. I feel like I have been tossed aside, and do not know how to handle being kept out of the loop, at arm's length.
The baby is SO well natured, and only has times when she is inconsolable briefly, arching her back and obviously uncomfortable. Usually after my DIL, who is breastfeeding, has sausage, or beer, or something spicy. She says its not the diet. You cannot get thru to this girl.
This event has made it clear where my DIL feels I stand in the relationship, outside the circle. I know I have to handle it with dignity and keep the peace. But, my heart is breaking. DIL doesn't care. Her mom, a fellow grandparent, doesn't get it or seem to care, as it was she that encouraged my DIL to leave early, unless it was the plan from the get go.
How do I speed up my broken heart?
We are suppose to fly down to spend Thanksgiving with my son, DIL and baby. Part of me is dreading it. She is so on edge all the time, I almost want to cancel (which I won't). But, I am an upfront person, and do not like underhandedness. Its hard to not have my emotions show. I want our relationship to be a good one, and even if I don't get to see my granddaughter much, I don't want to walk on egg shells all the time. It seems it would be easier to shut the grandparent part of my heart down and only allow it to be active when I am actually with my granddaughter.

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Comments (6)

emma
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I don't understand this at all. I know you want to see the new grandchild and be around it, but evidently they don't you to be around. Don't let them know how hurt you are, it empowers them. Just get on with your life and think about other things. It is out of your control. You have a better chance of working it out if you stay away from them. I was very nervous with my first born and all I wanted was to be alone so no one saw how awkward I was when I bathed it or criticize me in any way. Maybe it is a phase the new mom is going through. I didn't even want my mother over for a while.
daisyinga
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I'm sure you are terribly disappointed, and your family and friends as well. I think any new grandmother would be. If this is your only child's wife, then I'm sure you are terribly concerned as well that you may be somewhat cut off from your only grandchildren.

However, if I were you I would try very hard not to read too much into this visit.

She planned a trip while son was gone for weeks.

Part of me is dreading it. She is so on edge all the time

It may be difficult for her, dealing with a baby and having her husband gone for weeks. When my oldest was a baby, my husband worked out-of-town during the week and was only home on the weekends. I was pretty tired. I can't imagine caring for a baby by myself for weeks, but I know military wives do it and do it well.

I can see why your daughter-in-law might really, really want to just go to her mom/sister's house and relax.

On the one hand it sounds like you and your DIL have a great relationship. I love his wife, and we usually get along fantastic. On the other hand, it sounds like she's a real piece of work.

If she's a real piece of work, then this is the least of your worries and conflict is inevitable. If she's just young and overwhelmed by having a new baby and a military husband who is often gone, then try not to be too hurt.

As far as the financial help you've given them, I'd put that out of my head if I were you. Give it for the joy of giving and don't expect anything in return except their thanks and appreciation. If you feel that she owes it to you to continue the visit if she's feeling overwhelmed and exhausted because you paid for their wedding and a car, then you're bound to be disappointed at some time in the future.

Many young mothers with babies get nervous and on edge, and there may be things you don't know about the situation. For example, my MIL had a box of toys with teeny tiny parts in it. Dangerous for babies and toddlers. EVERY....SINGLE....TIME...we visited, my husband's little 4-year-old nephew got the box and dumped it out to play with the teeny tiny toys with my baby. My MIL (who is very nice, capable, responsible, talented and kind) thought this was marvelous. She loved to watch them play with the TEENY TINY toys with TEENY TINY parts that came off easily. My husband absolutely refused to let me ask his mom not to bring out the box. I was on edge almost the entire time we visited every time, and I never left my baby's side.

Fortunately, my husband's sister had a baby not long after my second child was born. The box with the teeny tiny toys disappeared and never came near my SIL's babies.

So I guess my point is cut your DIL some slack at this time in her life. When her baby gets a little older, she'll probably love to have you come visit.

Hang in there, treasure the happy times you had with the baby and look forward to having more.
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emma
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
The Dear Abby column explained it very well today. Same problem.
Sketcher25
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
The feelings you have are what many mothers of sons feel after their marriage...if that encounter made you feel outside a circle..its because you are...I also have to wonder what mothers of daughters are telling and teaching them about in laws....

They are mothers to grown children as well and have to know how a mother to an only son must feel...its really not the same as having a daughter and no one can say it is....I have seen how my DIL's look out for their mothers best interest at the risk of breaking a MIL's heart....my oldest DIL will exchange these looks with her mother as if no one is watching...like they are collluding telepathically...it is so juvenile...

They have done this around me many times in my own home...and I hate being around them....my husband berates me if I even mention this is taking place....I am planning my exit out of this marriage and feel my DIL has ruined my family....my husband has never stood by me or supported me emotionally...and having a person enter your family...a small family at that and seemingly treat you poorly will create major conflicts in a marriage if one spouse tries to ignore the others pain...just an acknowledgement is fine..

If truth be told my husband does not care for his DIL but fears speaking up about it to me....obviously we are not going to last to 40 yrs happily....

One thing that parents of a son will do is extend themselves for fear of losing him completely...you say you have heart to hearts with her...but this is probably not the best move....a DIL will use information you give them against you later...in arguments with your son...I was told this by many women in the past....and believe it...my sister created a lot of tension with my DIL based on things that she would tell her when I was not around...

We also extended ourselves by buying vaca property with my son and his wife....big mistake 10 yrs later....my son is now behaving more like an unhappy bus. partner....sending emails telling my husband he has not contributed as much financially...wanting to sell which has been my view all along...but my husband did not take my advice and prediction and now sees but really doesn't see...

My advice would be to accept the fact that your DIL is going to be a mamas girl....and you will likely feel the chill more than once...do not try to have something that may never be there...you have to remember..she came to your family as an adult...she has no back story with you...your son may not be willing to speak in your defense....

I wish I knew then what I know today...life for me would be so much easier...now I have the stress of having a son, but not really...and having the stress of a controlling husband who chastises me for being hurt...insisting I deal with issues like he does..which is to repress....2 GS's I only see when there is a free spot somewhere....a truly unhappy existence at the moment....I am in the process of letting go as well
Sketcher25
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
The feelings you have are what many mothers of sons feel after their marriage...if that encounter made you feel outside a circle..its because you are...I also have to wonder what mothers of daughters are telling and teaching them about in laws....

They are mothers to grown children as well and have to know how a mother to an only son must feel...its really not the same as having a daughter and no one can say it is....I have seen how my DIL's look out for their mothers best interest at the risk of breaking a MIL's heart....my oldest DIL will exchange these looks with her mother as if no one is watching...like they are collluding telepathically...it is so juvenile...

They have done this around me many times in my own home...and I hate being around them....my husband berates me if I even mention this is taking place....I am planning my exit out of this marriage and feel my DIL has ruined my family....my husband has never stood by me or supported me emotionally...and having a person enter your family...a small family at that and seemingly treat you poorly will create major conflicts in a marriage if one spouse tries to ignore the others pain...just an acknowledgement is fine..

If truth be told my husband does not care for his DIL but fears speaking up about it to me....obviously we are not going to last to 40 yrs happily....

One thing that parents of a son will do is extend themselves for fear of losing him completely...you say you have heart to hearts with her...but this is probably not the best move....a DIL will use information you give them against you later...in arguments with your son...I was told this by many women in the past....and believe it...my sister created a lot of tension with my DIL based on things that she would tell her when I was not around...

We also extended ourselves by buying vaca property with my son and his wife....big mistake 10 yrs later....my son is now behaving more like an unhappy bus. partner....sending emails telling my husband he has not contributed as much financially...wanting to sell which has been my view all along...but my husband did not take my advice and prediction and now sees but really doesn't see...

My advice would be to accept the fact that your DIL is going to be a mamas girl....and you will likely feel the chill more than once...do not try to have something that may never be there...you have to remember..she came to your family as an adult...she has no back story with you...your son may not be willing to speak in your defense....

I wish I knew then what I know today...life for me would be so much easier...now I have the stress of having a son, but not really...and having the stress of a controlling husband who chastises me for being hurt...insisting I deal with issues like he does..which is to repress....2 GS's I only see when there is a free spot somewhere....a truly unhappy existence at the moment....I am in the process of letting go as well
gran5
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
This is so common, best to just hold back and find other interests, you cannot change anyone....a daughter you have for all your life, a son until he takes a wife....

long...vent...Not seeing new grandbaby, nervous DIL

Comments (6)

emma

daisyinga

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