New step-mom here...

16 years ago

Hi...I'm new here and looking for a little support. My DH and I just celebrated our 1st anniversary and in the past year and a half we: received "primary" custody of his two boys via "temporary agreement" of BM, planned a wedding, packed up everything we own and moved to an isolated island 5000 miles away from friends and family (due to military.) The agreement with BM is pretty simple: as long as she doesn't have to pay child support, she doesn't want them (except during the summer) - oh, and she wants lots of pictures so she can hang them on her fridge with a "look what I made, aren't they cute?" attitude all the while, without any of the hard work, physical, financial, emotional, and mental exhaustion that comes with full-time mommying. I am fortunate that she doesn't impose on my "mothering" of the boys (in fact she takes parenting advice from me!) and is actually ok with their calling me "momma" as long as they don't call her by her 1st name (which the youngest went through a phase doing. We've gotten him to stop, though.) Since it's only been a year of marriage we'll see if she also begins to resent me in the years to come. It wouldn't surprise me since the boys are already more mine than hers!

The situation is better than most in the non-confrontational way, but we do have some serious concerns for what the children are exposed to in that house. She's so useless that she lives with her mommy and daddy while they pay for absolutely everything for her (from her new car to her never ending pursuit of a college degree) and all of this at almost 29 years old, mind you. We got her to agree to the temporary agreement so that we didn't have to pursue an emergency custody order due to neglect, borderline abuse issues, and serious inappropriate activity around the boys i.e. BM, GD, and Uncle all sneaking to the basement to smoke pot while the kids are left to GM's care (the one on anti-depressents who's pretty much insane, as mental illness runs on that side of the fam.) The youngest had been burnt next to his eye with a cigarette (stoned-stupor from Uncle) and the oldest's first memory of Kindergarten was being "hungry" since he wasn't being fed before school and she was behind on his lunch account (thankfully the school won't starve kids so his first meal everyday was a PB sandwich at lunchtime.) Not to mention the time she wouldn't pay the $3 for a prescription for her son's ear-ache because she was claiming to not have the $ because she hadn't received her child support check yet (she wanted direct deposit) and she would leave messages with him screaming bloody murder in the background on my DH's VM. Meanwhile her mommy and daddy pay to have a maid clean their house and can make their daughter's car payment, insurance payment, buy her cigarettes and pot - but not their grandson's medicine! GM actually left one of the messages! Due to anger and sexually inappropriate comments from the (until very recently) 4-year-old, his pre-school director referred him to a counselor. Briefly at his appointments, I was able to talk to her about my issues with being a step-mom (I am not a biomom yet) and I recently started seeing her on my own. She suggested that I find some support and that's how I found all of you. I know that although we have a common link, our situations are so different as well. I really connected to Jessegirl's post in Step-Mother's Only with not having children of my own and having the steps live with me full time because of mental issues with mom - except that this is my 1st marriage. The essence of my step-mom issues are: loving these boys as they are mine without the "rights" of the "real mom" (and that term too -like I'm not "real" and I don't "really" do everything a good mom does); the pain of the association that a step-mom is not as "valid" as a biomom, y'know? The pain of having the man of my dreams not waiting for me like I did for him. I'd never been married, never had children; he's been there and done that - twice. I wonder if/when we do have our own if it will be as exciting/scary/wonderful for him as it will me. I am just having a really hard time adjusting to the fact that he shares something so intimate with her and not me when we were definitely made for each other. I know it will be different with me - like planned - and the fact that he is totally in love with me but it's just so hard to think that she stole my opportunity to build a family with the man I looked for my whole life instead of join a family that she created but doesn't take responsibility for, y'know? I don't know if any of you feel this way as well but it's still nice to know that you all are out there. My sister is a stepmom as well with a similar yet different situation than mine, but she is the only SM I know. I know that statistics put me in the "norm" these days but it's hard to see that when you don't know anyone else. So...that's me in a nutshell...I hope that I can be of support to you and hope you don't mind my venting. Thanks for listening... J

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Comments (11)

dirt_yfingernails
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
It is good that you are voicing your concerns. I just want to add that although you are not the Bio, you are the Mom in this case. They need you.
vistajpdf
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Hi again. I posted when you wrote about this on the other thread.

Besides what I did write, I wanted to add that since you are so far away from the BM, you truly are the "mom" here as the above post says. I mean, the BM will basically not be a factor at all in the day to day ongoings, school issues, weekly visitation. Be glad for that! So, I think you will have to assume the "rights" of the BM as well as being validated as one. My famous saying is, "There's more than being a mother than giving birth..." and it is so true.

I'm glad you seem to love these boys so much and their dad. After the nightmarish first few years of their young lives, they deserve a little normalcy!

Good luck,
Dana
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Thank you all of you. I felt like I had a virtual hug. Which I was in great need of. My husband and I had a very long talk last night. I said that I couldn't wait for the assessment anymore and that I would have to leave. I told him that I didn't think I could ever trust him around the baby, even with treatment. He asked me to wait until the assessment is done, which he will start this week. (I can not start it as only a parent can. He also has to get permission from the ex because of joint custody). He doesn't want to send him back to his mom right now because she may not get him the help there and he will only get in more trouble. He promised to never leave the baby alone with the ss even for a minute. I gave the cat away because I wanted him to have a better life. I can't watch the baby, the cat, and the ss 24 hours a day. My DB promised that if the psychologist says that he is a threat to our daughter or myself that he will go back to his mom's immediately for treatment there. I told my DB that if I saw any aggression toward my daughter that I would leave immediately with her and he could sort the rest out. My DB still feels that his son would not hurt anyone. If you met him you would think that to. He is a very nice looking, charismatic kid. He has learned how to manipulate quite well for his age. You would never suspect that this charming kid would do anything seriously wrong. The plan is: The assessment will be done next week if possible and I will be included in any talks that take place about the ss with them. Either in person or through three way calling. My ss will be grounded to his bedroom, the kitchen and the living room and he will have to ask to go anywhere else. That way we will know where he is at all times due to the fire issue. My DB will be more strict in the discipline issue with him. I have to buy a door alarm for my daughters room that would ring off only in our room if anyone went in through out the night. Otherwise I have to sleep in her room with her.(Which I have done on occasion. We do have a regular baby monitor in her room. But the ss said that he would sneak into her room) We may have to get a nanny cam so when he is in the basement playing we will know if he is playing with matches. This is just a band-aid solution until we can get the assessment done. I just have a very hard time having him anywhere close to my daughter. I just want to scream 'get away from her'. I don't know how we are going to do this long term. We may just have to have him in activities all summer, all the time so he his hardly home. Thank you again to everyone for your advice and wishes. I will let you know how it turns out. And if there is anything I haven't thought of please let me know.
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:) There seem to be a lot of conversation going on about my age and the fact that I moved out at 16. Now by all means I was NOT advertising it was a good idea it was something I had to do : problems with my mom. And yes you can dissaprove and yes you can find it weird but I don't think this is the point here. Anyways I didn't move in and try to change everything. Tell me finedreams... you deceide to go and have a bath or a shower... and then you realise there is hair all over the bath/shower. What do you do? Obviously you tell the person who did it to clean it up. Which at first I did ask DH to go and tell to SD because I didn't think it was 'right' for me to go and ask her... but I still wanted my shower and I might be weird I don't know but I do not like to take a shower with a mess of someoneelse's hair at the bottom. And after a while waiting and nothing's happening I just gave in and cleaned it myself because I was sick of waiting for SD to get up her arse and clean it. After all I WAS waiting after that to take my shower. This is a comun example of everyday. I do not clean after themselves because I WANT but because I NEED to. If I want to cook in a pan and the pan is encrusted with food because they can't cook properly and let it burn... I still need to clean that pan because they don't listen to DH when he tells them to go clean it so I can use it... so I end up having to clean it because I NEED to use it. After a while of living here... I got tired of it. I started going to ask them (I was asking nicely) and at the start it did work. They were actually listening to me. But then they stoped and it was back to square 1. And then this is my problem. I KNOW it is DH's job to tell them... but they don't listen to him and they don't listen to me obviously. I personally think he should dicipline them as in... well if you don't do it there will be consequences (not dicipline as a slap in the wrist as everybody seem to think I'm talking about). But who am I to tell him how to raise his children. Yabber seem to have gotten what I was going on about... should I tell him he should dicipline them or should what? should I just wait and wait and wait for my shower until they decide to listen to him. You know? And these are only few examples. They are slobs yes but I'm not trying to change to house or change them... it's just I cannot live the way they live so we obviously need to meet in the middle somewhere. DH wants a clean house but has given up on them because they are slobs and because they don't listen to him. And I just feel I'm the one cleaning the mess. Anyways, as I said previously I think I will take some time away from this place... time for me to think. Again thank you all for your responses. As blaming as they sound they do help... every little bit helps. Ocarina PS finedreams I do believe sometimes they are doing it on purpose... I feel very low these times because obviously I feel like I'm a wiked evil step mom or that they think I hate them, which I don't trust me. I would just like them to make a bit more effort so we can all live in peace but I don't know... I moved in because as I said previously I thought I could maybe 'fix' it. I did clean the kitchen top to bottom and was more than HAPPY to do it. I thought I was helping everyone here. Who in hell would say no to a free cleanup of their kitchen? But I just thought they would help me keep it that way. Or at least not make it worst you know.
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That's just not a good scene, with the kids' dad being away all week and expecting new SM to completely take over (which she has to b/c he's not there) and then expecting kids to completely accept and cope with it. Especially in terms of what must be the dynamics when Dad *IS* home, which is SM and kids all understandably wanting his time & attention (unavoidably all will want alone time with him, as well), and he probably wants some alone time himself! Sorry, but it's a recipe for disaster, and it's absolutely no one's fault. Except maybe a little bit the Dad's. I mean, yes, the guy has to work, and yes, the job market out there now is very tough and options for everyone are limited. It's good to hear this particular set-up is temporary. But surely something else can be arranged, somehow, long-term, to where this Dad-gone-3/4-of-the-time thing isn't the arrangement. Another thing is that you should definitely consider getting a job. If you liked his kids, then you choosing to be a SAHM might make more sense. But this way, all you're signing up for is more time with kids you don't like, and even if you back off from disciplining them (and leave that to DH), there you are, still around them all the time. And DH will expect you to do things for them b/c you're not working. And DH will have to be away for more hours in a week to earn the money you're not making because you're not working. Which leaves you, the kids, and DH all clamoring for DH Time. And where there is already resentment, frustration and dislike, this will only get worse. If you go back to work, you won't be expected to deal with his kids nearly as much, he won't have to work as much, so he can take back the parenting duties he's shoved onto you, and you can also have some financial independence in case you get sick of the whole shebang and decide to part ways. For the next two months, it'll be worth it to prioritize which issues are worth your time and attention and which aren't. I'd suggest ignoring the glasses sitting around, explaining to DH that you're not going to pick up after anybody, and if the kids choose to skip school under your nose, bypass them and call the school, again letting DH know you're not there to handle the discplining role that HE should be handling with his own kids, but that anything serious like truancy or drugs, etc that happens under your nose will be reported to the authorities as though you were Jane Q Eyewitness Citizen on the street.
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dcubana
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Welcome to the forum! I'm also a newbee-and i am so glad i found this group for some much needed support=)
I know exactly what you mean,i am also the stepmom of 4 children-one of who does not live with us.But i have 2 of my own from a previous marriage.I too feel as if i was robbed of building a family with the man of my dreams...and sometimes we wonder about what it would have been like to have our own baby.Its tough...but things happen for a reason.I know these kids really need a stable loving home(mine also) so i am happy that atleast we have the satisfaction of giving our children a good home to grow up in.there are days when i just want to dissapear,don't get me wrong.Its normal to feel overwhelmed and conflicted sometimes.I just take it a day at a time.....
Good luck=)
mom_of_4
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I understand and share they feeling of not building our own family with the love of my life especially since even the option of more kids is not an option... I sometimes feel slighted that we will not be able to share that connection as well
steppin_out
Original Author
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Thank you! It really helps just to feel understood, you know? I really appreciate what I do have and that BM is not involved (nor do I think she will ever be - she's very selfish and being a mom just doesn't allow her to do whatever she feels like) I was reading the Mother's Day posts and it made me sad for so many SM's out there. The boys don't even ask to do anything for her - it's all about me. Shipping is outrageous where I am so we don't send her anything but I make sure they call her. She actually emails me as well and even said once that she couldn't help but to still worry about my DH when he gets deployed and said "after all, he is our children's father". It was nice. Weird and nice at the same time. I know that these boys see me as their mom - they actually call me mom too, but it's hard to validate feeling like a mom when I don't even know what being pregnant feels like, you know? I feel like more of a nanny than a mommy and it bothers me. We hope to try for our own after our "honeymoon summer" without kids, but we'll see how that goes. I'm sure it will drudge up more emotional crap like "I wonder if he rubbed her belly like that" I know how stupid it is but I can't stop feeling it. It doesn't help that we are best friends who tell each other everything. I wish I didn't know that he "caught" the second one as he was born. They don't say hindsight is 20/20 for no reason, though, right? Well...anyways I should run, the in-laws come in tomorrow for their first visit and I've got much to do. They are staying for two weeks and bringing the boys back with them to stay with their mom for the summer. Let's pray for their safety...

Thanks for listening...
J
jessegirl
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Hey Steppin out;

You know what? When I first met my DH, I really thought that I wanted kids of my own. I also didn't want to date anyone with kids since that would add complexity to the equation. However, we really hit it off. We took things really slow, and after 6 mos, I met the boys for the first time in a social setting. Then, slowly we would incorporate things like dinner, or an event. Getting to know them slowly over the following year. I would have thought that I would have the feelings of "missing out" or "what's it like to have a baby", but you know what? I never did. I did think about it seriously as far as how important was it to me to have my own child. Then, we got custody of one of the boys. That changed everything, and really woke me up to what parenthood was really about. It's about loving unconditionally, emotionally supporting, and teaching a child. I went so far as to take a Summer off to spend with him and help him adjust to his new life. It was great! At the end of the Summer, I realized that it didn't matter who gave birth to him, I was the one (with my DH)raising him. I was mothering him! It was after that, that I decided that I personally didn't have a desire to have a child of my own biologcial make up, because what I do have is a family now, and I'm content with that.
If you are really wanting a child of your own, you should go for it! Just remember that you are a mother already, and you seem to be a great one at that!
vistajpdf
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Steppin out - I think Jessegirl had some great points, and I'll bet that given time, you will no longer feel like the nanny, etc.

I wanted to mention that I think both of our DH's "had" to marry their ex's - is that the case? I can tell you that no man wants to be forced into marriage like that. It's different if you planned to be w/ that person for the rest of your life anyway, and a pg'cy was wanted and came along sooner. But, for your DH to have you pg is going to be totally different. I think the news that "I'm pregnant!" by a woman to a man should be met w/ excitement from the guy, not "Oh no!" be it voiced or not.

W/ us, I didn't want kids, felt COMPLETELY like a mother to my 3 dear nephews and really didn't need to have a child myself. Well, when I turned 35, I began to think about it more and more and decided that I'd want to try to conceive. My husband was more happy than I was when learning we were expecting by a longshot! I was a little like, "Oh Lord, what have I done?" LOL. For the second, I wasn't ttc at that moment, but again, DH was overjoyed. For the third, my "unasked for blessing", I conceived while on the progesterone only pill (POP) which is a birth control pill/hormone replacement you can take while breastfeeding. I had just weaned our second son and found out I was pg. I was hysterical - crying, screaming, praying it was a false + and my DH just said, "It isn't what we planned, but I'm happy." Suddenly, I was calm. I had that baby at 40 and honestly, I can't imagine life w/o that little boy. For me to think I was "done" before having him just dumbfounds me. As I told you, we are now complete.

Now, during all 3 pg'cies, I felt DH wasn't as into each stage, each move, etc. He went to the ultrasound appts, but that was it. We never found out gender - I loved that and so did he. I also didn't have him in the delivery room - in fact, if I could have done it alone, I would have, lol. I'm just very modest...

I don't think DH acted the way he did because it wasn't his first baby and wasn't "new" to him, I think it's a generation gap thing (he's now 61 - boys are 3, almost 5, and 7) as I don't believe he was "into" his ex's pg'cies. Some guys get so excited, are at every OB appt, monitor every kick, change, etc. Men today, my age and younger (I'm 43) are just a little different. I think your DH will be great if and when that time comes as it will truly be a baby from love that formed, not from one person tricking the other. I know it takes two to make a baby, but let's face it, a woman can fool a man far easier than a man can trick a woman in this area...

Anyway, give yourself time to adjust, forget about the past and try not to let those demons get in the way of your joy. You've found your soul mate. He made a few mistakes in the past, but fate had it so you two would find one another now. Be happy - many people search for a lifetime and aren't so fortunate.

Dana
steppin_out
Original Author
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
It's so funny how I KNOW everything you're saying but how different it sounds coming from someone else and not myself. And you are 100% correct that she tricked him into it. BOTH times. 1st was for marriage, the second was the first talk of divorce.

I know how important it is for him to plan our "trying." I've been on pre-natals since November but we've pushed it back from this past Feb. to this coming Sept. I am willing to compromise to whatever his needs (reasonably) so that he is 100% ready for it to happen if/when it does. And he's voiced how excited he is to try for a girl - he's an amazing dad and I know she'd be a total "daddy's girl" which worries him that I want my own baby so bad and she'd be more about him than me *LOL* :) I know part of my issues are jealousy and part are this insecure part of me that doesn't like to be new at something. I'm the youngest and vividly recall feeling stupid for not knowing information or how to do something that the older kids could. I hear people talk about the life changing "wow we have a baby; what now?" affect. My friend was talking about how she and her husband were married 5 years before having their oldest. She said they wanted it, tried for it, but still came home from the hospital, put him in his bouncy chair and just looked at each other like, "now what?" It really bothers me that he will never have that "let's figure this out together" thing with me. He already knows what to do with a baby. It's even more upsetting as a woman that my husband could answer my pg/baby questions. It's actually nauseating to me. The other part is that I can't even confide in the one woman I never felt stupid "not knowing" around - my mom - because she passed away 6 years ago this June. I'm close with my MIL, she's a lovely lady, I just miss what I had with my mom. I think that's why I want a girl so badly. My sister and I are very different people but she understands me and also had her 1st after the death of our mom. I know she will be there for me (and she's had two girls and is a SM of a 15-year-old boy.) It's nice to have supports (you all included!)

Jessegirl, I actually had such a difficulty adjusting to my whole situation (5000 mi. away from anyone I know, stay-at-home mom from previous working woman, dealing with the emotions of "step-mom" "second wife") and wondered if I really want to "start over" since they will both be in school next year. But then that thought angers me; That I'm burnt out on being a mom and I've never felt a baby kick. I already gave up on the possibility of multiple kids of my own but really feel that I NEED a baby of my own. I think I deserve that. Fortunately, so does my DH. And it will be amazing to create life from love instead of manipulation. I just wish I could OWN what you all have said. I know I'm the mom here and I know I'm the one the boys will think back to and I know I've been put here for a reason and that those boys need me. And I need them...it's just so strange the way the head and heart have this strange disconnect feature between them, y'know?

MIL is a twin and sometimes I hope to have twins myself because I KNOW that will be different for him! How juvenile is that?!?!?!

Well...Thanks for listening guys...
The in-laws arrived safely and I must return downstairs. The puter' is in our room, which is theirs for the next two weeks so my apologies in advance for not being around much!

J
jessegirl
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
You are doing all the right things, and you have the logic vs emotional stuff down. Good for you for being so honest with yourself! That's half the battle.
You and your DH both want a child, so that is awesome. Some things th combat your inner feelings about "firsts"...He will know how to help you. He can change a diaper, understand a cry, etc. My best friend has a DH with a son prior to their 2 children, and she ended up finding out that he was SOOOO helpful with knowing these things that they otherwise would have had to figure out. When it happens, you'll end up being glad, I'm sure of it.
Over time, your feelings of jealousy will fade, and all the things that bother you now, won't anymore. I truly believe that since you are owning your feelings, and recognizing them.
My DH also got his 1st wife pg, and then married her out of guilt. His mistake. He then got her pg again, thinking she was on the pill...oops.
It happens all too often, and the children are the ones who suffer the most.
vistajpdf
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Steppin out - yes, DH will be able to help w/ the baby more than a first time dad. BUT, when a baby cries, he/she usually wants MOM, lol. I'm an advocate of breastfeeding and the bond that comes w/ that (plus the health benefits to baby) is amazing. When baby is hungry, it wants mom!

I also think back to the down side of pg'cy - the morning sickness, tiredness, labor (I'm also an advocate of epidurals!) and such. It's all a fleeting memory. You just lay your eyes on that newborn baby and it's like, "Now I understand - what a miracle!" Men never have those side effects that we have, but they also never feel that first kick (you will mistake it for a grumbling lower tummy - truly is a like a butterfly fluttering in your abdomen) or know the bond that comes w/ breastfeeding. They can supplement w/ bottles (gives us a break!) and that helps, but that skin to skin contact w/ that great-smelling newborn baby is really priceless.

Sorry, I'm a little wistful today. My youngest has just gotten out of diapers, suddenly he's such a big boy...sigh.

Oh, I am so sorry about the loss of your mom. My mom is the greatest woman in the world. If I lost her, I'd just ask to be buried right next to her. She is my defender, my best friend, a voice for the voiceless - truly remarkable. I gather yours was her long lost twin. I see we have a lot in common. Instead of a DD, I was blessed w/ 3 dear nephews and 3 beautiful sons. I once thought I wanted a girl to have that bond with that my mother and I share and that she shared w/ her mother...but, you really either get what you love or love what you get! I'm the dead-end girl, lol. Have a brother, two male first cousins, and a whole hockey team of younger boys around, lol. It's so amazing - gone were the days of trying the old wives' tales for conceiving a girl and when I was unexpectedly pg w/ my third, I kind of hoped for the third musketeer to arrive w/ a musket - and he did. Little boys love their momma! God is good.

Dana
colleenoz
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
My DH was a biology major and helped with his youngest brother who was 13 years younger than him. Trust me, it's great having someone who already knows and you don't have to explain to. How he came by the knowledge shouldn't matter, just that he's in a better position to help you.

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