I love this thread!! When I lived in IL, my "black thumb" ex husband decided he wanted to be a farmer and raise "crops" in our city back yard. He proceeded to rip out a number of decades old lilac bushes to make room, burning out the transmission of our car, then decimated a perfectly good tiller that belonged to a neighbor. I wound up buying and planting "his" garden. When I had my fill, I told him to weed it. Yep he did!!!!! pulled up everything I planted and left all the weeds!!! Just for good measure he also pulled up all the azaleas I just planted for a border. To add insult to injury, I wound up replanting, weeding and caring for a garden I didn't even want. The ultimate insult was when the tomatoes, peppers, cucumbers and greens were finally ready, he picked them and gave them away letting people know that he grew them himself in his own garden! Next year the garden was turned to lawn, which I wound up mowing. Any wonder he's an EX????

Dyinginside, Your husband stated that it will end in divorce because of you and his daughter. one thing: HE SHOULD NOT DEFINE HIS MARRIAGE TO YOU ON THE BASIS OF HIS DAUGHTER . PERIOD. BIg red flag here. and to top it off he's not interested in going to counciling now????? I agree with sweeby, you have leverage, use it. You are in your parents home. If your husband thinks that is where its heading and he has made the decision to not change this direction, because he's the one who can change this or at least put his foot down and say to his daughter, she is my wife i love her , stop treating her like Sh*t, then there is only two things you can do. 1. Tellhim counciling now and work it out while being at the parents house. Cause counciling does cost and financially you'ld be in better position to do this... 2. If he insists on no counciling and stays.....tell him to leave with his daughter. My feelings on this: If i were under my parents roof, in this situation and my husband said, well i've spoken to my daughter and she still doesn't like ..and i guess if that is the way its going to be between you then i guess i'll have to divorce you....I would tell him, pack your bags now and leave with your daugther please. I would tell him , i know you love me and you love your daughter but if this is the way you think then its obvious you have chosen your path and you want your daughter and there is no sharing of you between me and her. Please have a wondering life and take care of yourself and yoru daughter...Give him time to pack up and go to a relative until he cna find an apartment. WHy muddle through a situation when your husband has obviously made a decision not to act and to pick his daughter? I know you are in love with him but maybe he needs to be alone with his daughter to form a relationship with her and he can't handle the both of you.ITs sad. unless you all go to counciling i dont think this will work. You will be left alone and resent not acting faster.

That's just not a good scene, with the kids' dad being away all week and expecting new SM to completely take over (which she has to b/c he's not there) and then expecting kids to completely accept and cope with it. Especially in terms of what must be the dynamics when Dad *IS* home, which is SM and kids all understandably wanting his time & attention (unavoidably all will want alone time with him, as well), and he probably wants some alone time himself! Sorry, but it's a recipe for disaster, and it's absolutely no one's fault. Except maybe a little bit the Dad's. I mean, yes, the guy has to work, and yes, the job market out there now is very tough and options for everyone are limited. It's good to hear this particular set-up is temporary. But surely something else can be arranged, somehow, long-term, to where this Dad-gone-3/4-of-the-time thing isn't the arrangement. Another thing is that you should definitely consider getting a job. If you liked his kids, then you choosing to be a SAHM might make more sense. But this way, all you're signing up for is more time with kids you don't like, and even if you back off from disciplining them (and leave that to DH), there you are, still around them all the time. And DH will expect you to do things for them b/c you're not working. And DH will have to be away for more hours in a week to earn the money you're not making because you're not working. Which leaves you, the kids, and DH all clamoring for DH Time. And where there is already resentment, frustration and dislike, this will only get worse. If you go back to work, you won't be expected to deal with his kids nearly as much, he won't have to work as much, so he can take back the parenting duties he's shoved onto you, and you can also have some financial independence in case you get sick of the whole shebang and decide to part ways. For the next two months, it'll be worth it to prioritize which issues are worth your time and attention and which aren't. I'd suggest ignoring the glasses sitting around, explaining to DH that you're not going to pick up after anybody, and if the kids choose to skip school under your nose, bypass them and call the school, again letting DH know you're not there to handle the discplining role that HE should be handling with his own kids, but that anything serious like truancy or drugs, etc that happens under your nose will be reported to the authorities as though you were Jane Q Eyewitness Citizen on the street.

Lily, Back to School Night would be ok. So would events like Open House where the kids get to show off their classrooms and a bit about what they've been doing/learning. The problem comes in when a bio-parent would object and make a scene if the parent arrived and found you standing there next to the opposite parent. What you wouldn't want to happen is have these events turned into a fight and/or do anything that would ruin the evening for the child. On the other hand, if the BM in your case knows how to behave herself there shouldn't be a problem. The bio-parents are not (I assume) attending together, they are going separately and except for seeing each other in passing are not making a 'family' night. While both parents are still SD's family, the parents themselves are no longer family to each other and should act as such. They are individuals living separate lives who share a child. Back To School Night is a simple event. The teachers can be introduced to the parents, but not necessarily together at the same time. Parents just rather get in line (if there is one) or wait until the teacher is free and walk up and introduce themselves. It's not meant to be a 'lets discuss issues and/or any problems' night. Sometimes there will be a sign up sheet on the table for parents to schedule their Fall Parent/Teacher conference. As more and more school children are from spilt parents these days, most teachers allow for time for both parents individually. Your DH and BM do not have to attend the conferences together. Each one can sign up for a different 15ish (typical time slot) minute conference. If your DH signs up for one time and BM a half an hour later, no problem in you attending with your husband. You help the child with her homework and this gives you a chance to speak briefly with the teacher. This isn't about you trying to take over BM's place or trying to step on her toes...it's just plain simple facts that children live in two homes now a lot of the time and you're right, the more involved and actually trying to participate in their education and concern for it, the better. What you shouldn't do are things like sign up for Room Mother, or for the volunteer to help out at the Halloween class party (those types of usual parent tasks) if BM is signing up for them. No child needs two women doing the volunteer classroom stuff. That is the mother's place and role and fire will set off if your husband tried to have you take the mother's place in those school activities. It's BM's daughter and BM should be allowed to participate in those childhood tasks without you butting in.