So your question is how do you discipline older children without them threatening to return to where?

The SD is threatening to go back to her Mom's house. i know my boyfriend does not want that. She makes it like it is my fault that she will go back and live with her Mom. I feel like I have to walk on egg shells not to make her mad. i don't care if she goes back to her Mom's house or lives with us. I don't know if I should give up and let her Dad deal with the mess etc when he comes home on the weekend or what.

It's probably a good thing that you are finding out about these problems - before you marry him. I wish you the best.

Neither one of us ever want to legally be married. He has been married twice and after that papers hits the court house all changes. i have never been married and never have the desire to legally get married. He has bought me a ring and we live together and share everything. We are committed to one another in our way for life. He is a wonderful man and he does stick up for me. When he does she says he is choosing me over him and she never wants to talk to him again. I know this is not my fault but I can not help but feel it is due to me being here. What I don't want is him to loose his daughter because she is spoiled and selfish. I want to be a good step mom. i do not want to be there mother but a friend. Since I am the primary caregiver all week how can I get her to follow rules without fighting. I have never had teenagers and do not understand them one bit.

Give all her messes to your husband. I did that on a vacation week wiht my husband. After that he would make sure she put away her dirty dishes and cleaned her room.
I also made him pay the phone bill she over charged with her internet downloads. i have a 3 package plan with tv, phone and internet. It showed all the downloads, times and dates. she denied it until my husband showed her detail. He took it out her allowance the second time and i locked her out of the computer the third. She has no internet now . Its been 3 months. But at least i have no extra bills and neither does my DH.
Next i'm locking the heating mechanism in my house cause she turned it up to 28 degrees last winter. So this year i wont even bother with a warning. IT now has a lock on it from the wall and we the parents have the key.

Organic said it! Leave the mess for your DH. He is not being the parent he needs to be, and until he starts parenting his daughter, things will only get worse. You need to step back from her & her drama, so that you aren't her favorite target. Let your DH deal with her mess, her money, her phone, her food, everything. If she needs anything, you simply say, "you will have to ask your dad", and leave it at that. Dad is out of town working, too bad, so sad, you will have to wait until he returns. Then, if your DH punishes her, you aren't the bad guy, and if he doesn't, no sweat - not your kid, not your problem, just be sure not to deal with the mess that becomes of a lack of discipline. Don't keep busting your butt doing things no one appreciates, save your energy for those who do appreciate, and express their appreciation with you!

I guess I'm not sure why she lives with dad if he doesn't live there all week? That has to be tough on a kid. Is there a reason they don't live with mom?

Dad is gone all week on a temporary assignment for work. It only will last about 2 months. Well there mother cares about one thing - herself. The kids never went to school and were getting truancy etc. They are not horrible kids. they just need some discipline and guidance and responsibilities in there life and no way mom is going to provide that. Thanks for all the great adivice and yeah i think I am just going to let go adn let Dad handle her. He will see the 20 glasses laying all over the house etc and he can deal with her when he gets home.

That's just not a good scene, with the kids' dad being away all week and expecting new SM to completely take over (which she has to b/c he's not there) and then expecting kids to completely accept and cope with it. Especially in terms of what must be the dynamics when Dad *IS* home, which is SM and kids all understandably wanting his time & attention (unavoidably all will want alone time with him, as well), and he probably wants some alone time himself!

Sorry, but it's a recipe for disaster, and it's absolutely no one's fault. Except maybe a little bit the Dad's. I mean, yes, the guy has to work, and yes, the job market out there now is very tough and options for everyone are limited. It's good to hear this particular set-up is temporary. But surely something else can be arranged, somehow, long-term, to where this Dad-gone-3/4-of-the-time thing isn't the arrangement.

Another thing is that you should definitely consider getting a job. If you liked his kids, then you choosing to be a SAHM might make more sense. But this way, all you're signing up for is more time with kids you don't like, and even if you back off from disciplining them (and leave that to DH), there you are, still around them all the time. And DH will expect you to do things for them b/c you're not working. And DH will have to be away for more hours in a week to earn the money you're not making because you're not working. Which leaves you, the kids, and DH all clamoring for DH Time. And where there is already resentment, frustration and dislike, this will only get worse. If you go back to work, you won't be expected to deal with his kids nearly as much, he won't have to work as much, so he can take back the parenting duties he's shoved onto you, and you can also have some financial independence in case you get sick of the whole shebang and decide to part ways.

For the next two months, it'll be worth it to prioritize which issues are worth your time and attention and which aren't. I'd suggest ignoring the glasses sitting around, explaining to DH that you're not going to pick up after anybody, and if the kids choose to skip school under your nose, bypass them and call the school, again letting DH know you're not there to handle the discplining role that HE should be handling with his own kids, but that anything serious like truancy or drugs, etc that happens under your nose will be reported to the authorities as though you were Jane Q Eyewitness Citizen on the street.

Other major issues here are that you are not married to the kids' father, you moved into his (and their) house, this was only recently, his divorce was very recent and his kids are getting old enough to be looking forward to adulthood.

Again, it's no one's "fault", but these are the facts of the situation. Think about when you were about 16. How would you have liked it if your parents divorced and one of them suddenly had a new partner that was there all the time ---instead of their parent--- making up a bunch of rules and being The New Sheriff in Town? Do you honestly think you would have been like "Oh, how grand! I am motivated to my core to do absolutely everything this strange new woman says and to please her whenever possible! I even want to quit doing the fun teenage things I've been doing, simply because she's here! How lucky I am to have her to remind me when I've dirtied a dish or that my room needs tidying!"

So can you see it a little clearer now? It's not that the kids don't need any disciplining or correction of soem of their less-than-great housekeeping... It's just that it's totally unrealistic for DH or you to expect that they'll actually accept it gladly or easily in this situation. Or, frankly, ANY situation, because they're teenagers. But especially this situation.

It would be easier if their parents' divore wasn't so recent and if they weren't at a very tender age for kids to be going through the divorce of their parents. It woudl be easier if Dad was around for more than a fraction of the time. It woudl eb easier if they were younger and more malleable. It would be easier if you all were living in a new house, on new, "neutral" ground. It would be easier for you to invoke any authority if more time had passed and if you were married to their father. It would be easier to get the kids to clean up after themselves if they didn't perceive that as "your job" since you aren't working. It would be easier to explain that no, it isn't "your job" if you weren't already working within what sounds like a very tradtional old-fashioned gender role/task arrangement. All these things WOULD be easier, but those simply aren;t the facts of your situation. If none of these facts can be changed (and some of them can), then I'm afraid the only thing to do is for everyone to lower some of their expectations and accept that it's not easy for anybody involved.