NO, you should not MAKE him respect your husband in order to see his son. The decision to let him have unsupervised visits have more to do with whether or not your son will be safe. If he has never done anything that would put your son in harms way, he should have regular visitation without you or your husband. Since he's only been out a couple of months and if you have concerns, then maybe short afternoon visits or supervised (by a third party) would be okay until you are more comfortable.

It would be very nice if he could appreciate that your husband has been there for your son, but he doesn't have to have respect. He should, however, be cordial with your husband in front of your son. In other words, if your son is there, he shouldn't be rude or say negative things about your husband, but you really can't 'make' him do anything.

If it were me, I would tell the ex, "I know you don't like my husband, but he has been a part of our son's life since he was a baby. Our son likes him and it can be hurtful to our son if you talk bad about him in front of our son. Can you please be cordial in front of our son?" I would also tell him that he may someday have a girlfriend or wife that your son may like and you will extend the same courtesy to him. That getting along in front of your son is what is best for your son, even if you or he doesn't like it.

if he isn't dangerous then he should see his son without your husband there. depends what he was in jail for.

The most you can hope for is to go to court and get supervised visitation. That will likely go for a short while if he is not dangerous to child, but if dangerous could go longer. The tough part is agreeing on who should supervise. The judge will like it if you two can agree on someone, which will generally be a relative of his. But you can demand it be someone without drug or violence or abuse issues (documented). Where I live if the parties can not agree on a supervisor, there are two choices. One if they have money, they pay a social worker. Two, if not money, the local Y has a service. Years and years ago I volunteered for this and served Saturday mornings. The most pathetic thing was over half the time the NCP didnt even show up (Sometimes child was with one CP, sometimes in foster care) - so I switched my shift to starting at 11:00 so I could pick up a Happy Meal on the way in, and told the Foster Family or CP to just tell the child that he/she was going to play at the Y for a while and MAYBE NCP would drop by.

This isn't a nice guy who's had some bad luck or made some regrettable decisions:

They don't put you in jail for 5 years for jaywalking.

A cop friend told me that people in jail, if not already master manipulators & con artists, learn to be master manipulators & con artists in jail.

They don't do *anything* without a profitable goal in mind.

This guy never has been a part of this little boy's life, he's been in jail for *5 years* for crying out loud, & now he's assuming power & making demands.

This is the thin edge of the wedge;
it's his opening gambit, & if you don't hold your ground, he'll make more & more demands.

I wouldn't trust him with my beloved child one minute.

Do whatever you have to do to get his rights & obligations spelled out legally, don't agree to unsupervised visitation, & don't accept his mother as the "supervisor".

If he's on probation or parole, speak to his probation or parole officer.

No mother *has* to allow her child's birth father the benefit of the doubt until he actually harms her child;
has this guy written his son any letters?
sent him birthday cards?
done *anything* loving?
Has he offered to pay child support???

betcha he hasn't;
he's interested now because he can use this little boy as leverage to get benefits from OP, & he refuses to deal with her husband because he wants OP isolated.

Like it or not, OP's husband is part of her life & her son's life.

Refusing to accept reality doesn't mean reality has to bend to your wishes.

My ex-husband went to jail the first time for felony drug possession with the intent to distribute. He got out and went back 5 months later for arson. I do not want him to see my son without my supervision because when I was married to him he would do thinks that were very unsafe with his children in his care, and I am not sure if he has stopped dealing drugs because he does not work, but yet he has a cell phone & etc. And the reason why I do not want to supervise without my husband is while he was in jail I had to get a restraining order against him because he was harrassing me,and he was abusive to me while we were married. My mother told me that he has not gotten over me and would like us to get back together. (He talks to my mother everyday) I feel that he would lie and try to cause problems in my marriage. And lastly because I think he is bisexual & I don't want something to happen to my son by his hands or any of his "friends" because ones it is done it cannot be undone.

Yikes!

Your mom may need to stop talking to him;
sounds like he's using her to keep tabs on you, & that sounds like stalking.
(but please get expert advice before you ask her to stop talking to him;
the fact that he speaks to her may be a good way to keep some sort of tabs on him & on his emotional state.)

A guy who "hasn't gotten over me & would like us to get back together" is among the most dangerous of all exes-remember Nicole Brown Simpson;
add drugs, arson, abuse, jail, bisexuality, manipulativeness, demands, refusal to deal with the fact that you have a husband, & you've got a highly dangerous & volative situation.

Speak to his parole/probation officer,
get legal advice from a family law attorney (ideally, one with experience in violent/abusive situations),
file a restraining order,
do whatever you have to do to make it difficult and risky for him to come near your family.

Put it in writing that your son's school is not to release your son to *anybody* other than you or your husband without previous written consent.

& be very very careful.

This has nothing to with wether or not he respects or disrespects your DH. This has everything to do with protecting you and your child from a dangerous man. I would do everything that Sylvia said and fast.

First, being bi-sexual doesn't make you a pedophile. I don't understand the connection you make to that.

In your original post, nothing was mentioned about his other children. I'd be more concerned about that but it sounded as if the problem you are having, has more to do with how he treats your husband, than what he did with his other children in the past.

Why would he talk to your mom everyday? If he's such a 'bad' guy, why would she talk to him? I'm not understanding where you're coming from perhaps. If he still wants to get back together with you, why would you insist on being at the visitations? You should do what you can to disengage from him, maybe let your mom supervise visits if he gets along with her. What types of things did he do to or with his other kids? There's a difference between not agreeing with it and it being dangerous or harmful to your child.

As for his legal problems, I would make sure he is not using.. random drug testing. Supervised visits if he is violent. Depending on the circumstances, arson isn't usually a violent crime, but if there was intent to harm someone, that may be an issue. He doesn't sound like a real great guy, but you chose to marry him and have a child with him and unless he can be proven a danger to your child or his rights are terminated, he has a right to have a relationship with your son. Actually, your son has the right to have a relationship with him.

You may have a reason to be concerned but my first reaction to the original post is that the problem is with how he acts or treats the husband, not a concern over how he'll treat his son. My son's father wasn't in jail (and he should have been), but he didn't see him until he was 4. I had concerns about it, he ended up seeing him supervised for a couple of months and then he got a few afternoon visits and eventually, it went to overnight, then weekend.

To answer imamommy
As for his behavior with his other children, he would drive wreckless with them in the vehicle and he had drug money in our house (I did not know he even sold drugs until he was busted). My mother has always liked my ex-husband and believes all his lies. He told my mother my husband said he was going to harm my son and when I confronted my ex he said he mis-heard him. He will not corrected it with my mother. What my husband said is that if my ex harm us he was coming after him. Also, two weeks after he got out of jail my mother allow him to visit my son and take him with him for the day without my consent. I did not know until it was over. And they both knew I did not want him to see him unless I was involved. When I ask her she said since the restraining order had expired she felt it was ok. I want to be at the visitations to make sure my son is safe. That is my child and it is my job to make sure he is safe!! I know my ex-husband has an explosive tempure and I do not want him to do something to my son because he is mad at me. I am doing what I can to protest my family. My ex-husband does not know where we live because our last house mysteriously burned down while we were in the house (he was upset because I had file for childsupport). I don't know if he did it, but he went to jail a month later for an unrelated arson which was done because someone upset him. And he told me when we were married that he had a "crackhead" set his 1st ex-wife's house on fire. My mother knows all of this, but she still deals with him.

The reason I did not mention the other child and all of that in my first post was because I was not trying to get into all of this. I just wanted to see if I was being unreasonable saying he needed to be more respectful to my husband. I already know I need to protect my son & myself until I am comfortable we are safe.

I would really love for my son to have a relationship with my ex, but I also want to make sure he is safe in the process. With all that has happened with us a lot of people would not even consider letting there child deal with this man, but I am trying to be far. With all of the things I see in the news I am not trying to say I wish I would have been more careful after something has happened. Also, I feel the only reason why my ex is trying to watch his behavior is because of my husbands presents, and I donÂt want him trying to poison my sons mind. He is already poisoned my mothers.

And think that it is as much about him trying to get to me as it is him trying to be with my son.

Another side not - right after he lied on my husband, he told him he wanted to meet with him so they could squash the siuation, but he wanted to meet him at 8:00pm in a public place. My husband told him he would not meet him then, but he invited my ex to my son's birthday party at the skating rink and said we could discuss things there. My ex did not show up because he said his family thought my husband was going to do something to him. My question is then why was it ok for him to meet him at 8:00pm.

Con artists are very believeable ("con" is short for "confidence"; they set up their victims by gaining the victims' confidence);
it's not too surprising that he can fool your mom...

but you mustn't let your son be at your mother's unless you're there as well.

This guy is not even a disaster waiting to happen;
he's a *proven* disaster:

house fires, drug convictions (had drugs been found in your home, the DEA could have confiscated the house & everything in it as well as any vehicle he used in his drug business & any asset whose purchase was financed even partly by the proceeds of the drug business, & your son would likely be in foster care right now), restraining orders, explosive temper...

There are some things that happen to us that we *cannot* make right or adjust to or allow for or continue to live with;
we have to get away from them in order to keep them from destroying our futures.

Marrying & having a child with a person we now know we should have avoided doesn't mean we have to keep coming back for more misery & more disaster, & you're not the only person who's ever done it.

Stay strong, get some expert guidance, & take the strongest legal steps you can.

I wish ou the best.

"think that it is as much about him trying to get to me as it is him trying to be with my son."

bingo.

Your son is being used as leverage.

Be careful, & don't let him isolate you or your son from your husband;
isolation is a powerful tool.

He's not the father of your son....he's the sperm donor.
You owe him nothing...
If he tries to have contact get a restraining order.