Sounds to me like you're wanting someone to tell you that you should follow your heart back to your Ex, and that true love and personal happiness is what life is really all about. Don't look to me for that. You're married and you have a child together. And a marriage takes committment, trust and hard work, not one eye on the escape hatch and a wistful "what if". So long as you're wondering about your Ex, you're not really working on your marriage, and it sounds like your marriage could use some work. Try working on your marriage. Try being the person your husband should trust, and should treat with kindness and respect. Try communicating with him about what you want and need in a marriage, and try asking him and giving him what he wants and needs. If none of that works and you can honestly say that you tried with 100% committment for several years -- then you can consider walking away with a clear conscience.

So much wrong information here. So, so much. First, the pension: I have the impression that the couple was married when the husband signed on for the pension. He almost certainly made his wife his beneficiary (person who collects if the pensioner dies). Beneficiary trumps everything else, including a will ... so if he never went back and changed it, the ex-wife could potentially be the automatic beneficiary. Also, the couple would have divided the pension along with their other marital assets. This doesn't mean it was split down the middle; sometimes, for example, sometimes a wife gives up rights to future pension benefits so she can have the house ... or sometimes promises that the husband keeps the lion's share of the pension, provided he pays for the kids' college ... or the couple could've agreed that since she stayed home and raised the children -- foregoing her own career -- that she gets the bigger share of his pension. Any of these things, or any number of other possibilities, could be true. Questions that need answering: - Who is the beneficiary? - What is in the divorce agreement? Then Social Security: An ex-wife can draw upon an ex-husband's account ... but one of the requirements is that she cannot have remarried. Any spouse can only draw 50% of the spouse's benefit ... so she'd have to compare this to her own benefit (she cannot draw her own benefit PLUS her spouse or ex-spouse's benefit -- it's an either-or proposition).

Thanks everyone for your insight and input. Your comments fit right in with what friends tell me but I kind of wanted to get an unbiased opinion from people who don't know me. I have to agree that the whole thing is creepy and fishy. I cannot imagine not seeing or contacting my children for such a long time in the first place, but of course he says that is all my fault. I can't imagine not wanting to spend every second with them if I hadn't seen them in such a long time. He is such a creep. I have heard over and over again that I had no right to "take his children" away from him and that because of ME he has no relationship with them. Ummm...not buying that one buddy. When I was growing up I had one Grandma in the UK, one across the country and both of them managed to create and maintain a relationship with me back in the days when there was no email, no free/cheap long distance, and certainly little face-to-face contact. I seldom saw them but when I did we were comfortable with each other because we had a long-standing relationship. Why were my Grandmothers able to do that and my ex is not able to do so with his own children?? Because it was a priority to my Grandmas to nurture a bond and it obviously isn't a priority for him. He takes the easy way out by blaming it on someone else. Unfortunately what this entire situation has taught me is that the legal system is really, really messed up. Even though he has abused and stalked me, I CANNOT keep him away from his children because he has never "harmed" his children. I was warned of that in court by the judge who oversaw our case...my God, how could his behavior have NOT harmed our children? So the option of not allowing unsupervised visits is really not an option. As many of you already know, the court will not back me up until AFTER something happens. That really sucks. Anyway, I've decided that I will email him and tell him that his plans are not acceptable. I will drop the boys off and pick them up...haven't decided if it will be at the hotel or at the police station. I'm going to stop by the station this week and find out what the police would be willing to do...actually I had already planned on explaining the situation to them in advance of his arrival but I need to check if I can do the drop off/pick up there. My boyfriend has already insisted that he be with me no matter where the exchange occurs, even if it is the police station.

You're very right. It's sad that people will have kids and want nothing to do with them. I think it's also even worse when they just forget about their old family and move onto another one. Just because your ex is being a wonderful father to his kids with his new wife, it doesn't make him a wonderful Dad in the world's eyes. He would be wonderful only if he also took responsibility for his other two kids. He may feel better abour himself but he's still a loser in most people's eyes. Your ex will have to live with the choices he made in the past. Just like my fiance' will always have this hurt feeling because of all the years and things he missed doing with his Dad. His Dad also has to live with knowing my fiance' and his brothers felt their step father was more of a Dad than their bio-Dad. People don't think of the consequences at the time they do something and it's too bad. Don't you worry, something will happen to make your ex feel bad...maybe the birth of a grandbaby or a marriage but something will bring him around. At that time the boys can decide what they want and he has to live with that choice. Just try to let the boys do and think what they want. They're grown up enough to see what their Dad really is like and if they care to have a relationship with him or not.