loss of my ex husband

harleyquinn1330

October 2004 I met the most wonderful man

June 2005 we were married


Unfortunately things unraveled quickly. He had some major drug addictions and no matter how much I loved him- the drugs were always there. October 2007 we divorced and separated for a year. In 2008 we reconciled but that only lasted a year. The drugs were still there and it was just too difficult. We cut off communication but I never stopped loving him. 3 years after we split up for the last time I remarried. My husband is wonderful, but I could never love anyone like I did my ex husband. I always assumed at some point I would be able to talk to my ex again and talk through the issues we had to clear the air.


I received word that my ex husband died. Cirrhosis of the liver from hepatitis c due to his long term use of intravenous drugs


My heart is broken. The grief I feel is more than I can take

To make it worse, I talked to his mother, and he never moved on...he literally loved me until the day he died.


I am totally broken between guilt and devestation


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bleusblue2

There's nothing easy to say to you. I think you still regret what MIGHT have been. Somewhere in the back of your mind you must have thought you'd be together again -- even though you now have a wonderful husband. Sometimes losing the one you love makes you wake up and change but he just couldn't do that. Maybe you only hoped to talk to him but what was there to clear up? Why do you feel guilty -- because you didn't stay with him? Believe me I understand it isn't all black and white, there are no yes and no answers. But they way I see it you are devastated because when he died, part of your future was stopped too. That is not your fault. Be easy on yourself and you may see all this in another way in a few years.

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harleyquinn1330

Thank you for your response :) this situation is more complicated than most for a multitude of reasons

This is the first time i am admitting to this- but yes, part of me believed he would get clean and we would be together again..... remarried or not, i would have. ...in a heartbeat. He was the love of my life. Our issues were not that we fell out of love with each other. ......my ex didn't love end himself, and drowned that in drugs..

You're right.....my future did die when he did........


Also maybe clear the air wasnt the right choice of words....mostly i have guilt that he died missing and loving me and never got to hear that i still missed and loved him

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bleusblue2

Only part of your future died. You have to believe that he knows your thoughts now. Unfortunately you can't share your grief with your wonderful husband so he won't understand what you are going through. Are you fair to him? Just keep in mind that the dark times are over for your ex and he knows that you loved him -- he knew it when you were together and still it didn't overcome his addiction.

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tete_a_tete

'...mostly i have guilt that he died missing and loving me and never got to hear that i still missed and loved him'

So tell him now.

At a time when it feels right, concentrate on him and let him know everything that you felt and thought and hoped.

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