Does your 18 year old have a driver's license? If so, I would suggest that he just drives to his Dad. Otherwise, I would meet in a busy place, a restaurant or a mall, that way there are plenty of people around and he is less likely to want to make a scene.

Will his wife be with him?

I agree with raek about having your 18 year old drive over there if that is possible. I am not sure if there is a car for him to do so with, but if there is then that would be best.

I think it is wierd that ex wants to pick up and drop off daily. It seems like more control issues to me. I would plainly tell him that you have work or other reponsibilities on those days and that arrangement will not work for you. Tell him that he can keep them the whole time or not at all.

Why would he need more than one room for him, possibly a wife, and his two sons? Many hotels you can have a room with 4-5 people in it?

As for him coming to your home, if your not comfortable with that then do not let him come there. Meet in public places, or drive to his hotel if necessary. He has proven in the past what he is capable with and better safe than sorry for you.

No my son does not have his drivers license. I would not allow him to do drivers training when his grades were low (D's...mean mom!!), but he has now brought his grades up and he has started drivers training. But he won't have his license by then I'm sure.

When we lived in the same state we met in a public place and that never stopped him from screaming, throwing things, etc. So been there, done that.

No his wife will not be with him.

I should also clarify that my boys are ages 18, 14, and 11. The other boys' I mentioned are not my ex-husbands children they are my future stepsons and belong to my BF.

Ex and his wife have no children together, and her only child is grown and married.

I think your 18 year old is old enough to meet with him alone. How old are the others? If they are 15 or older, they too are probably old enough to go with the big brother to meet with him. Perhaps drop them off at the mall (food court) or a local park, zoo, or similar place. They aren't babies that have to be picked up or dropped off like young children. If he was abusive to you or trying to find a reason to see you, the best thing is to keep yourself out of the mix. His goal is to see his kids and they are old enough to take a taxi, bus or ride a bike (depending on your location) but there's no need to involve you in the exchange. If they have cell phones, then you can keep in contact if they need to be picked up, etc.

Strawberryl - Do you think you may be in some physical danger from him? Or is it more that you can't stand the idea of him being in your space, even temporarily? (I understand that feeling.) Or is it that you can't stand the idea of actually seeing him at all in your new 'home turf'?

For the weekend, public places like the mall are fine, and could be worked into a 'sorta-natural' exchange. And maybe he could pick up the younger kids from school instead of at your house?

Or maybe you could drop the kids off and pick them up at his hotel -- YOU be in the driver's seat. While it's more work for you, it certainly puts you back into control...

I think IMA's idea is wonderful. If he is planning to pick up the boys and drop them off do it in a neutral place. Drop the boys off at a public place and they can wait for their dad to get them. If they don't have a cell phone give them a few dollars in change for a payphone and tell them to call after say 30 minutes if their dad does not show up. And also, tell them to call you when they are leaving dads hotel to go to designated drop off place so you can gauge your time of arrival.

Whether you feel threatened still, or just do not like the feeling of being around your ex it is understandable. I once had an abusive boyfriend and after breaking it off with him he followed me around and showed up at my friends homes. He called my cell and home phone at all hours. If I took my phone off the hook and turned off my cell he would show up at my home and ring the doorbell for a long time. I got an order of protection and he broke into my car and slashed my tires and tried to break in my front door! When we went to court I threw up in the courtroom when he walked in because it just upset me to see him. So, I completely understand your pain and anguish.

After several years had passed I ran into him in a store and he came up to me and said hello. I began to shake and immediately left. I had to pull my car over to throw up because I was so upset. I even called my dh on my cell as I left the store because I was afraid and wanted to make sure someone knew where I was if anything happened.

Remember your in control now and do not have to cater to him!

I think all the other posters are on the right track here. The 18 yo should be able to supervise the other two for 15 minutes at the local food court if you drop them off and pick them up at the mall. Or you can have them go down the block from Dad's hotel and pick them up at Starbuck's. Dad might be p!ssy about this, so be prepared to stand your ground.
It's OK to not want your abusive ex at your home, so don't feel like you should be accommodating to his wishes.
Good luck!

PS - I think it was just fine to talk to your 18 yo about this. At 18, he's probably figured most of it out on his own anyhow, but the younger boys don't need to know the whole story at this point. So I think you've chosen the right course of action here.

there are plenty of options to meet on a neutral territory. it could be complicated, but anything is better than letting him to be in your house. and since he apparently does not even want to spend a night with the kids, you don't have to accommodate him. he has rights to see the kids, but on a NEUTRAL territory. Good luck and congrats on your son's graduation.

Why not just drop your children off where your XH is staying? Most places, even cheap motels, have a lobby. If you are concerned for their safety, you could wait with them until your children are actually in the physical company of their father.

There is no reason for him to come to your home if you are uncomfortable with it.

what wrychoice said.

My hair's standing on end from what you've posted;
this guy's wants to terrorize you all over again;
he's crazy & he's dangerous.

There's no reason for him to know where you live or what kind of car you drive.

If you allow him to come to your home, then, if "something happens" later, he can say oh, she's delusional;
she herself was *just fine* with me coming over there, I stopped by twice a day & everything was just fine blah blah blah.

& unless you've alerted the police in advance, they're likely to believe him & write you off as a hysterical female.

I'd call them right now, make an appt with the chief if small town or lieutenant in charge of your area if bigger town, & show him/her the documentation of all that's gone on, just to 1) alert them & 2) ask for advice/tips on protecting myself & my kids.

Don't give him an inch, & be sure he knows you aren't going to give him an inch.

Don't engage in discussions, don't smile at him, don't even allow him to lay eyes on you if at all possible.

If discussion is absolutely necessary, get your boyfriend to do it.
Bullies often won't mess with someone they can't intimidate, & they lose interest & find someone else to terrorize.

Get boyfriend to take the kids to his hotel/motel, or at least to go with you (park a block away & walk if he doesn't already know what kind of car you drive), & be sure they have a cell phone.

Drill it into their heads that the oldest is to keep the cell phone on his person at all times;
when he's in the shower, he's to give it to the next one, who is not to let it out of his pocket.

I wish you the best.

In the case you are talking about where you have a restraing order and such the best thing all around is to have him meet you and children at the police department and no where else. Even if it is in the parking lot. It would be safer all around. Personally if it was me and I would not meet with him period he has not been in there life. He can see them the day of the graduation and no extra time. A man as dangerous as you have described would not see my younger sons or have unsupervised time with him. I dont care how long its been. Its all up to you. Good luck and congrats to your son.

I suggest driving up to a local restaurant and dropping him off. You don't have to hang around or even wait to see if he gets inside.

He's 18 now, so he may even have a friend who has a license who can drive him up there. You don't need to fret or put yourself in what you believe is harms way. I'm sure he must have a friend who can help him if he won't have a license by then.

Lori is right.

I'm agreeing with Lori & Sylvia. Whether he is their father or not he is an abuser. The whole situation sounds fishy to me. I would meet only at the police station and yes make local police well aware of the whole thing in advance.

Now suddenly he wants to play proud Papa? Be very careful and make sure your BF/Significant other accompanies you if you go at all..

Thanks everyone for your insight and input. Your comments fit right in with what friends tell me but I kind of wanted to get an unbiased opinion from people who don't know me.

I have to agree that the whole thing is creepy and fishy. I cannot imagine not seeing or contacting my children for such a long time in the first place, but of course he says that is all my fault. I can't imagine not wanting to spend every second with them if I hadn't seen them in such a long time. He is such a creep.

I have heard over and over again that I had no right to "take his children" away from him and that because of ME he has no relationship with them. Ummm...not buying that one buddy. When I was growing up I had one Grandma in the UK, one across the country and both of them managed to create and maintain a relationship with me back in the days when there was no email, no free/cheap long distance, and certainly little face-to-face contact. I seldom saw them but when I did we were comfortable with each other because we had a long-standing relationship. Why were my Grandmothers able to do that and my ex is not able to do so with his own children?? Because it was a priority to my Grandmas to nurture a bond and it obviously isn't a priority for him. He takes the easy way out by blaming it on someone else.

Unfortunately what this entire situation has taught me is that the legal system is really, really messed up. Even though he has abused and stalked me, I CANNOT keep him away from his children because he has never "harmed" his children. I was warned of that in court by the judge who oversaw our case...my God, how could his behavior have NOT harmed our children? So the option of not allowing unsupervised visits is really not an option. As many of you already know, the court will not back me up until AFTER something happens. That really sucks.

Anyway, I've decided that I will email him and tell him that his plans are not acceptable. I will drop the boys off and pick them up...haven't decided if it will be at the hotel or at the police station. I'm going to stop by the station this week and find out what the police would be willing to do...actually I had already planned on explaining the situation to them in advance of his arrival but I need to check if I can do the drop off/pick up there. My boyfriend has already insisted that he be with me no matter where the exchange occurs, even if it is the police station.