ex husband advice

21 years ago

My ex husband and I have been divorced for 10 years. He remarried shortly after we divorced and his new wife likes to pretend that he never had a life before her. So he minimized all contact with our kids. He moved out of state and over the past 10 years he has seen my oldest son once and never has seen my youngest. There are no Christmas presents, birthday gifts or phone calls. But his wife does send me a child support check once a month. When my oldest son graduated from high school a few years ago he did call and sent a check a month later. My youngest son just graduated and we haven't heard a thing. Then I received a child support check with their old return address but the post mark was from a different state. Since he owes child support until my son is out of college, I found his new address on the Internet and sent another graduation announcement to him. Still nothing.

I know that I can't make him contact his own son. We have no phone number to reach him., So I've done all I can. I guess I'm just venting here. But I am angry at how he treats his own kids. I am concerned about the child support however because the law in the state where we divorced states that while my son is in college he will either continue to pay child support or help pay for college. I'd like to know what he plans on doing so my son is not left high and dry in college. Any suggestions? I live in another state now and I do not want to go through the child support office in this state since it is very messed up. Any suggestions?

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Comments (3)

nadastimer
21 years ago
Really I would just give up. It's been 10 years and no contact. The kids are old enough that I'm sure they've formed their own opinions about their father and don't care. The money is not a big concern with divorces but sometimes that seems to be all people worry about. So what if he gave you money...wouldn't you rather that he didn't and had been a wonderful father? The kids aren't going to care that their Dad sent the monthly check, they're going to care that they didn't see him. I guess if he feels this way about the kids, then they're better off without him totally. It really sounds like he has a hard time with the youngest the most and it's sad. Sorry your sons had to grow up like this but it's more common than not.

My fiance' had a father that didn't pay child support and rarely called or visited. He has a relationship with him now because he did decided to put the past in the past and give his father a chance. His father did change and he's a wonderful grandfather now. Some people aren't that lucky. My FIL can't figure out why he's not close to his other two boys, but they were older and hold more of a grudge. Maybe someday he'll learn that it's time to speak up and apologize and explain and they too can be closer...but that day may never come.
Susnnn
Original Author
21 years ago
You're right, I should just give up. It just makes me mad. Especially when my son asks if I sent him an graduation invitation, just to give the idiot the benefit of the doubt. Growing up, my oldest son hated me. He saw me as the reason his father avoided him. I later found out during a counseling session that he had called his father one day and his father told him that it was my fault. He's a good father to his wife's daughter. He once told me that he was going to be more involved with her so he wouldn't make the same mistakes he made with his own kids. What a comforting thought. Men like this!! There should be a special place we could send them.
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First, being bi-sexual doesn't make you a pedophile. I don't understand the connection you make to that. In your original post, nothing was mentioned about his other children. I'd be more concerned about that but it sounded as if the problem you are having, has more to do with how he treats your husband, than what he did with his other children in the past. Why would he talk to your mom everyday? If he's such a 'bad' guy, why would she talk to him? I'm not understanding where you're coming from perhaps. If he still wants to get back together with you, why would you insist on being at the visitations? You should do what you can to disengage from him, maybe let your mom supervise visits if he gets along with her. What types of things did he do to or with his other kids? There's a difference between not agreeing with it and it being dangerous or harmful to your child. As for his legal problems, I would make sure he is not using.. random drug testing. Supervised visits if he is violent. Depending on the circumstances, arson isn't usually a violent crime, but if there was intent to harm someone, that may be an issue. He doesn't sound like a real great guy, but you chose to marry him and have a child with him and unless he can be proven a danger to your child or his rights are terminated, he has a right to have a relationship with your son. Actually, your son has the right to have a relationship with him. You may have a reason to be concerned but my first reaction to the original post is that the problem is with how he acts or treats the husband, not a concern over how he'll treat his son. My son's father wasn't in jail (and he should have been), but he didn't see him until he was 4. I had concerns about it, he ended up seeing him supervised for a couple of months and then he got a few afternoon visits and eventually, it went to overnight, then weekend.
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Thanks everyone for your insight and input. Your comments fit right in with what friends tell me but I kind of wanted to get an unbiased opinion from people who don't know me. I have to agree that the whole thing is creepy and fishy. I cannot imagine not seeing or contacting my children for such a long time in the first place, but of course he says that is all my fault. I can't imagine not wanting to spend every second with them if I hadn't seen them in such a long time. He is such a creep. I have heard over and over again that I had no right to "take his children" away from him and that because of ME he has no relationship with them. Ummm...not buying that one buddy. When I was growing up I had one Grandma in the UK, one across the country and both of them managed to create and maintain a relationship with me back in the days when there was no email, no free/cheap long distance, and certainly little face-to-face contact. I seldom saw them but when I did we were comfortable with each other because we had a long-standing relationship. Why were my Grandmothers able to do that and my ex is not able to do so with his own children?? Because it was a priority to my Grandmas to nurture a bond and it obviously isn't a priority for him. He takes the easy way out by blaming it on someone else. Unfortunately what this entire situation has taught me is that the legal system is really, really messed up. Even though he has abused and stalked me, I CANNOT keep him away from his children because he has never "harmed" his children. I was warned of that in court by the judge who oversaw our case...my God, how could his behavior have NOT harmed our children? So the option of not allowing unsupervised visits is really not an option. As many of you already know, the court will not back me up until AFTER something happens. That really sucks. Anyway, I've decided that I will email him and tell him that his plans are not acceptable. I will drop the boys off and pick them up...haven't decided if it will be at the hotel or at the police station. I'm going to stop by the station this week and find out what the police would be willing to do...actually I had already planned on explaining the situation to them in advance of his arrival but I need to check if I can do the drop off/pick up there. My boyfriend has already insisted that he be with me no matter where the exchange occurs, even if it is the police station.
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Tune her out. Really. Take her power trip she has in your head and turn it off. Ms Trash Talk can't actually live in your head unless you allow her to. No, she should not be yakking trash to the adult children...but honestly, think about it. Your kids know you. They have lived with and observed you for years. Through good and bad. Nothing Ms Trash Talk can say will make them stop loving you and nothing that will change the fact you are their mother. Tune Trashy out. Refuse to discuss Trashy with your children. She is what she is and short of duct taping her mouth you can't control what falls out of her trap. You didn't mention how long Ms Trash Talk has been in the children's lives, but I'll take it quite a while. No woman would expect to take a 'place of honor' at a stepchild's wedding unless they've been a part of the kids life. And if Dad paid for the wedding or part of it, Dad would of course expect his wife to be included. I never really understood the wedding picture tiffs. JMO, but any adult child getting married should have enough sense in their heads and be mature enough to figure a whole lot of photos will be taken. Bride with Mom and Dad, bride with Dad and SM, Mom and SF, entire wedding party photos with couple and all parents (steps included) blah blah blah. Petty jealousy over photos does not belong at a child's wedding. Plenty of pics should be taken to make everybody happy. I'm going to assume you didn't make SM sit by herself in the back of the church. I'll assume too that you did not seat her out in the guest section at the reception. There are ways of handling difficult situations. Should Trashy confronted you at a wedding, of course not...but you didn't tell 'us' what did set her off. If you indeed did nothing and treated her civil and with some respect, then again, it's her problem, tune her out. Walk away. One can't agrue if there is nobody standing there to agrue with. Why do you and ex with to consult with all the holiday arrangements? You're talking about children old enough to be married, so I'll assume these darlings are old enough to pick up phones and talk to each parent individually...and keep calling and talking until agreeable arrangements are settled. Things sometimes have to change when our kids start marrying. We sometimes have to accommodate multi families. Example, not just Mom or Dad's house but now also the new inlaw's house and family.
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I have been a single mother since my son was 3 years old and he is now 18. I know that many states now have the same laws regarding child support, I am surprised yours took the helpless attitude that they did. You have the option of having your ex's wages garnished. Plus, you can file to have the child support order adjusted for the ex's increase in wages. The support order goes according to a schedule based on how much money the ex earns. The judge will re-look at the wages and will adjust accordingly. In the state of California, the child support division was very good about contacting me to keep the information current regarding wages, address, etc. But, once you have an order in place to collect child support via garnished wages, you are in the system and they will follow up for you. You sometimes have to push them. Most states consider child support a top priority and will also garnish income tax returns and put a lien on property. So, they will work with you and for you. Most child support agencies are swamped, so you do have to keep at them. This could be why they took the attitude that they did. Call them a lot. Don't be afraid to bug them, that is what the agency is for - it's put in place to secure financial support for your loved ones. A lot of tears and frustration you go through, I know. You don't want your children to go through the rejection by their father. Keep your chin up, you will see a brighter future. Your sons will love you even more through the years knowing you stuck by them (I know, how can anyone not?) and the rewards will be awesome. Keep up the positive support for them. Write and let us know how you are doing.
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nadastimer
21 years ago
You're very right. It's sad that people will have kids and want nothing to do with them. I think it's also even worse when they just forget about their old family and move onto another one. Just because your ex is being a wonderful father to his kids with his new wife, it doesn't make him a wonderful Dad in the world's eyes. He would be wonderful only if he also took responsibility for his other two kids. He may feel better abour himself but he's still a loser in most people's eyes.

Your ex will have to live with the choices he made in the past. Just like my fiance' will always have this hurt feeling because of all the years and things he missed doing with his Dad. His Dad also has to live with knowing my fiance' and his brothers felt their step father was more of a Dad than their bio-Dad. People don't think of the consequences at the time they do something and it's too bad. Don't you worry, something will happen to make your ex feel bad...maybe the birth of a grandbaby or a marriage but something will bring him around. At that time the boys can decide what they want and he has to live with that choice. Just try to let the boys do and think what they want. They're grown up enough to see what their Dad really is like and if they care to have a relationship with him or not.

ex husband advice

Comments (3)

nadastimer

Susnnn
Original Author

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ex husband advice

Comments (3)

nadastimer

SusnnnOriginal Author

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Susnnn
Original Author