You should also pray that husband finds strength to put a stop to the constant intrusion into your household. One can not blame entirely the ex wife here...afterall, who is taking and responding to all her calls?

All co-parents do need to communicate, but constant calling is not acceptable. Strict calls, texts, emails limiting topic to actual child issues that need addressed. End of story. You don't give age of his children. Is his child old enough to call Dad and speak directly to her father to speak of her/his day, tell him about a sport event, school play blah blah? Maybe not, but DH does not need to take ranting/whining phone calls from his ex. He choses to do so. I think this is the area you need to consider being the problem. Why does he take calls that end up in 'I didn't really want a divorce'? He's a big boy now. He can put a stop to this. He's being unfair to you , to the kids by allowing this to continue.

Ex is going to do this until DH finds the strenght to limit the communication and the type of discussion. Ex's love life, BF issues are none of your DH's concern... unless it affects his child and then perhaps custody arrangements need to be addressed. If ex's homelife is unstable and/or she is incapable of parenting her child, custody/residence of child can be a ground for interfering...other than that, DH does not need to concern his self with whine calls. Why does he? Hang up the phone/ Don't answer it. Let it go to voice mail and judge the real reason/need for the call. This is all up to him.

Frustrated mommy:

You need to let your H know that the x's constant calling for non-children related issues has made you uncomfortable in addition to infringing on your family's privacy.

I think, we, men, sometimes don't pay attention to such details and think nothing of it. So you should let him know.

I agree, this is a problem with your husband. How would he feel if you were cozy with your ex?

My husband's ex did all sorts of goofy things like this and tried to get him involved in all sorts of silly situations. It's an ego thing with women like this, they are trying divert your husbands attention away from you. For example, she would say so and so attacked me or someone at work made advances at me. His was response was that she should report it and walk away. She would use the kids, creating ridiculous drama, like trying to have the kid committed in a mental facility, and call my husband to tell him to convince the people to keep her there. My husband would call and say there is nothing wrong with her, she needs some discipline and rules is all. Etc... things like that. It made her furious and there was a lot of backlash, but nothing would have been enough anyway.

This is your husbands problem and not good for your marriage. He is being selfish and not considering your feelings or not over his ex-wife. At the very least he is very immature, because long-term this is going to seriously erode away your marriage/relationship.

I agree with others. This is your husband's issue. I have to admit in the beginning of our divorce, I called my ex for a LOT of non child related things. It was very hard to realize that I couldn't lean on him. But I'm talking during the first months of our separation not after having more children and not after he had married someone else. If she cheated on him she doesn't have boundaries or know boundaries of marriage. Not that all cheaters are once cheaters always cheaters but it sounds to me like she doesn't respect your husband's vows to you.

If your husband is like a lot of men, he isn't listening to her rants of missing him and wanting him back, he is just on the phone but her words mean nothing. Its possible he has no feelings but doesn't want conflict so he hangs on and then once she is done, he hangs up and carries on
Life. This is uncomfortable for you because you are a woman and that is YOUR man.... I get it. But if he hasn't stopped her and isn't bothered by her rants, you should let it go too. It's his place to put a stop
To his ex calling and whatever she is doing. Does that make sense? You don't like it because you are uncomfortable that he might get an itch.. It's an insecurity otherwise it wouldn't bother you what she is talking to him about. Speak to your hubby-- be upfront. He probably has no clue it's effecting you. Some reassurance may help you out.

I agree with everyone else. If it is making you uncomfortable them tell your husband that. He does not have to be outright rude and tell his ex not to call unless its related the the kids. He can do something a little less hurtful, like when she starts talking about non-child related stuff make up an excuse to go.

I wonder why he is even answering the phone, if she calls to discuss how much she wants him, it is inappropriate and he needs to hang up, she only does it because he allows it.

he has a power to stop it.

Hi

I'm new. I saw your message and it struck a chord with me. I have found it hard to find other Moms who are also stepmoms. I think there are some unique challenges that we face. I personally fidn that me and my partner are like two lionesses at times, both protecting our own to the point where it's rare for me to feel like we're batting for the same team. I too have an over-involved ex on the scene. he calls her every day to ask about the kids. nine times out of ten he calls when i'm not around. That really bothers me and i have told him so but it doesn't seem to change. sometimes he deletes calls to hide them from me. When the kids are with us, she calls every day to speak to them. She will even call on the Sunday, when she knows she will be seeing them in just a few hours. He's always very polite. i say she's simply calling to remind us that she exists and to check and see what we're all doing. I'm a damn good mother but when my kids are with their Dad, I respect his privacy and my kids' right to forget about me for a while and spend quality time with their dad.

it sounds like your other half is not doing his job in terms of putting his ex in her place. This is probably all about guilt. Maybe you have tried to tell him how this makes you feel and maybe he's letting it continue. I'm sorry, but men can be very weak sometimes. They try to keep everyone happy. Maybe you could let him know that you understand that he is just trying to do the best by everyone but that, as the person he has chosen to spend the rest of his life with, your feelings must come first. it's OK to consider her feelings. BUT, not if it means compromising your happiness and security. Ultimately, he needs to understand that one day, when all the kids are older, she will fae into the background. When she doesn't need him, she will fade into the backgroun. And he will need you. He will always need you. So it is YOU and your relationship that needs to be nurtured. Sometimes they try so hard to have it all that they risk losing it all .

Good luck.

By the way. How do you work family vacations? I find it hard that I can't take a vacation with my kids now, without being obliged to take his kids along. I have four, by the way. He has two. Summer is looming....I can't sleep!

Kellula, I saw your other post as well and I have to say they both bothered me. While I commiserate with you on the prospect of taking six children on vacation, why do you think it's right that your husband takes YOUR children on vacation, but can't take his own? And if he wants to call HIS children once a day, so what? Clearly that's HIS comfort level of contact with his kids (which obviously isn't yours). I don't think once a day is excessive. And sad that he should have to hide it from you. And once a day from his children's mother is also reasonable- you don't have to get involved so how is it a problem for you?
It really sounds like you dislike the whole concept that your husband has children who aren't yours- you don't like them visiting (from your other post), you don't like their parents contacting them in whichever household they are in, you don't want to include them in family vacations. This is not fair to either your husband or his children.
Frankly I think you all (you and your kids, who are disrupted by their step siblings' visits; and your husband and his kids) would be happier if you called it a day, clearly it's not working.

are kellula's kids minors? I think they have as much rights to go on vacation with their dad as her kids, unless of course we are dealing with adults here. I know I struggled with the issue of having to take SDs everywhere (it is not an issue anymore luckily) with us but they are adults.

PO1, here's the other posting and the situation Colleenoz is speaking of:

--"1. The kids are small. Mine 5,6,10 and 13. His 4 and 9. I just cannot bear the thought of going on vacation with 6 kids.

2. Do I have any right to say no? Will I never have the right again to go on vacation with my own kids without being obliged to take his along? I didn't hook up with someone with custody of his kids. I didn't hook up with a widower with two kids. They are here two evenings every week and every other weekend.Three of my four kids hate it. They really do. They feel so invaded. I really hurt for them.I just want to be able to take them on vacation and dedicate myself to them. I have to work hard to help my ex pay child support, so I'm not there for my kids as much as I'd like to be. Is it so wrong to want to take them away without having to bring my partner's kids?

3. What are the rules on this? Who writes the rules? In my house it feels like he writes the rules. If I try toprotect my kids I'm accused of wanting him to abandon his kids. "--

And I think Colleenoz is correct. Sounds very much as if this poster raced into stepfamily life without giving it much thought. Appears this husband is to accept her children fulltime and his children are burdensome to the poster. Things that should have been considered long before one marries a man with children and also a father who chooses to be involved with his children.

The entire stepfamily thing seems to be more than the poster thought she would be getting into when she said "I do" to her husband.

Kellula, where is the father of your own children? Is he an involved parent? AS far as something as simple as vacations, could you not arrange vacations with your children during times his are with their mother? Arrange vacation with DH's children when yours are with their father? You signed on for six kids...surely it can't be a surprise now that you have six kids to consider.

As far as CS, you knew what children support out of your DH's pocket was when you said 'I do', right? You have four children. Do you receive CS from your children's father/s? I'm sorry you have to work lots of extra to help with bills will your DH pays part of his income to support his children...but you knew Dh's CS and amount of income prior to marriage? Do you earn entirely enough on your own to totally support (food, clothes, water, mortgage/rent blah blah) your own children without any help from your DH? Does your self income and any possible incoming CS towards your children also depend on assistance of your DH's income to support your kids?

Kellula, sure, sweetie, you've got the right to take your kids on vacation without taking your partner's kids - what's stopping you? You're not married to your partner so you're under no legal obligation to him and they're not his kids - so take your kids on vacation. Take the BF while you're at it. I don't really see what the problem here is at all.

Oh, wait, unless... you want your BF to help pay for vacation, for you and your kids, while he leaves his own kids with their mother and pretends that they don't exist (because God forbid he call them once a day).

You "work hard to help him pay CS"? Why? CS should be based solely on your BF's income - not yours, so why do you have to help him, at the expense of spending time with your own kids? If that's truly the case, then it is you who is doing your children a disservice, by putting your BF's needs ahead of theirs. Or are you working hard because, due to BF's child support for his kids, he no longer has enough money to help support your kids without you having to work as well?

Hello

I'm sorry if I have offended some people with my comments. I don't think I explained my situation very well and, as we are all prone to doing when we are feeling down, I focused too much on the negative in my posts.

I hope that in not having put my best foot forward I haven't messed up my chances of being able to use the forum to offer and receive support in the future. I certainly didn't want to upset anyone.

Hoping to clear up a few issues of doubt (my fault for not making it clearer):

1. I have no problem at all with my partner calling his kids once a day. Twice a day. Whenever he needs to. I should have made it clear that my gripe was with my partner usually calling his ex-wife when his kids aren't even there. This is his right, as their father, to ask about their well-being, but I happen to know that the conversations are rarely limited to his kids. I simply ask him not to hide these calls from me because it creates suspicion where there doesn't need to be any. when he calls her in fron tof me i leave the room. i respect his privacy. But there is no place for hiding stuff in a partnership. he does not HAVE to hide calls to his kids from me in any way shape or form. I'm sorry if my post gave that impression.

2. With regard to the financial situation. My ex gives me as much as he can, which is enough for us to get by on if I work. I have to work to raise my kids. I have always worked. I'm not looking for a free lunch from anyone. My problem with my partner is that his ex has refused to look for work for two years now. We have been struggling because the money he has left after giving 70% of his salary (his choice, not court imposed) to his ex does not cover what we spend and we do NOT live a life of luxury. I appreciate that he has to pay for his kids and compensate his ex for her loss of income due to their divorce. But it's tough when you are both working so hard to make ends meet (actually not BOTH...three of us..because my ex also works hard) and your partner's ex can run up three hundred dollar phone bills in a month calling her latest guy...and you know you will end up footing the bill. This has happened. Things LIKE this happen too much.

3. His kids visiting. I will admit that I did not have a very clear concept of what this would be like for my kids. There are a lot more issues here than I went into in my posts. One of my children has Aspergers and we try to keep to a fairly a tight routine for him. This is not respected when his kids come. My kids are supposed to be in bed by nine but often, he is still here with his kids at this time and I end up having to virtually ask him to leave, which is really ugly. But when you are trying to hold lifer together as a working mom with four kids, things like getting them to bed on time are really important. Having two kids running around at this time makes things stressful when they don't need to be. Rules are not respected sometimes because tends to be soft on his kids. I understand this, when he has limited time with them adn doesn't want to be the bad guy. but it means that my kids get very confused about what is right and wrong. I take a back step and allow him to discipline his own kids but it's hard for mine to understand that there is one rule for them and one rule for my partner's kids. he feels his kids should have complete run of the house when they come. i say there are boundaries that should be respected, which are ONLY the same boundaries that I impose on my own kids, such as them not being allowed to take food without asking, such as the younger kids not being allowed into their older sister's bedroom without permission. To him, this is me not making them feel at home.

4. Vacations. I appreciate that my attitude seems selfish. OK, I admit that it is. I have tried to suggest us going on separate vacations. Last year we did that. We went away with his kids for six days to the beach while mine were with their dad at the beach. Then, when I wanted usto go away with my kids to the beach later in the Summer, he insisted we take his kids too because by taking mine away with us to stay with my friends who had invited us to their rented beach house for a week, my kids were then getting more days at the beach than kis because they had already had six days at the beach with their Dad. Things like that leave you with a bad taste in your mouth because everything gets painted like a competition. my kids are always painted as the lucky ones. I can't take them on a day trip without him insisting we do the same with his kids the following week. He is NOT expected to pay for these trips, by the way. I have familyin England. My whole family. I take my kids there once a year. I can't afford to take them all. I usually have to take one at a time for financial reasons but it is important for them to see their grandparents. What we keep on getting is that it's HIS kids' turn next. I find this really hard. I pay for these trips. Actually, the last few years my family have helped me out and paid for these trips. I would find it so hard to justify to my kids that I would take his kids to stay with THEIR grandparents, leaving them behind. OK, so his kids miss out on a plane trip. But they have all four grandparents down the street. We all have blessings and crosses to bear. They're not always the same.

And yes, I am sadly doing my children a disservice a lot of the time because I am trying so hard to make this work and to make him happy and make his kids happy. I think maybe that is why I feel so resentful at times. And I'm glad that some of you have pointed that out to me.

xx

Let's try this again. Hello, Kellula, I'm Mattie and I like to jump to conclusions. :-)

I don't even know where to begin with your post. Your BF seems to want "fair" when it benefit his kids or himself. It's "not fair" that your kids spent more time at the beach? Well, no,it's not, but generally speaking, when kids have two working parents instead of one, those parents have more money. It's also not fair that his kids get to have a stay at home mother while yours do not - but that doesn't seem to bother BF. I'd feel resentful too if I were you. Got to go for now but welcome.

Bless you Mattie. Thank you so much for taking the time.

When I look back over my posts I can see that the replies, which did hurt at first, are no more than people replying to what they see, to what I have shown them.

We are what we write in the forum world! I can't blame people for jumping to conclusions when I painted such a negative picture. Thank you for the warm welcome.

Fair is also not letting one set of kids have completely different rules in the same home nor doing what they please.

The BF seems to have two sets of 'fair' as Mattie suggested. You're really going to have a sit down and do some serious discussion (out of children's earshot of course). House rules are not just for one set of children. Draw up the rules and implement them. It's not playing the 'bad guy' to say no one goes into anyone else's private rooms unless they knock and are invited in. Should not maybe if they are your kids or his. If two of your kids share a room, it's still the same...bedrooms are off limits unless invited in. Your kids don't go to his kids house and barge into their bedrooms, do they? Nope. His kids should feel comfortable in the living parts of the home, no need to allow any child into private space. Kids consider their rooms 'their space'.

Bedtime is bedtime. Perhaps if Dad still has a few minutes/short while left with his kids while your's are doing bedtime routine and gettin gin bed, then Dad can have his children come to the livingroom familyroom whatever and have quiet one on one time with Dad. Your kids don't go over and intrude on his kid's bedtime, do they? Of course his kids are wlecome on their nights in your home, just have to tweak the 'rules' to fit around the individual schedules.

Food? If it is something that is say for your kids lunch boxes, set the food up and out of sight. I can see where if his kid opened and ate your child's tomorrow lunch food that it'd be a problem. If there is a current rule in your home that kids ask for something to eat rather than help themselves...his children should obey and follow that rule also. I assume his children are not going hungry (nor yours) and that it is a matter more that kids don't need to eat whatever whenever they want. You might try set snack time each evening where you/he asks if anybody wants something and serve the same to all (or a choice of two). His kids may not be use to asking, but really (IMO) a four year old should not be helping themselves whenever they please...IMO also thins his 4 year old should be going to bed by 9 pm also, but that's not the issue.

I'd also if I were Dad, start thinking of putting ex on a budget. I admire he is keeping up his children's needs and going above and beyond what was court ordered...but $300 phone bills. Ex wants those type of phone bills, ex can work and pay her own. Maybe a cellphone plan with unlimited texting or something like that would be cheaper. He of course wants ex to have a phone and to be able to make calls, but BF calls are not his problem. I'd consider that type of expense ex's responsibility or at least respect who is paying for it. It's ex's wishes not to work, but it should not give her a free pass on any and all bills she expects Dad to cover for her. He's supporting his children, not his ex's lovelife.

It would not bother me if there were a handful of non-necessary calls to ex about non-child issues unless you really think your BF can not be trusted. If he can't be trusted, you have a whole different problem. Calls should not be coming at dinner hour, afterbedtime blah blah. But if he really wants to sit and listen to ex's idle chit-chat and it is not interferring with normal household routines ect, while I find it questionable, guess there really is not much you can do about it. Yes, it is rude to leave the dinner table to run off and talk 'how was your day', but is that what he's really doing? If you can trust him, there should not really be a problem with a call made while you are not home. If it is all innocent, your presence should not be an issue. Talk to your BF and tell him how you feel about all the many calls and that you feel slightly insecure with some of them. If you're planning a future with this guy, you need to learn to communicate your feelings and he needs to know how and why you feel the way you do.

Seems that kellula's BF is to blame for all this. You are not married, yet have to deal with too much! honestly I think as a single woman you can go anywhere on any vacations with whoever you want to. I didn't realize you are not married. If I want to go on vacation with my DD, I do just that.

I don't understand regular phone calls to ex either, we get along and talk, but calling each other that often and not about kids? what for? Your BF seems somewhat selfish.

It seems to me that we got off on to the wrong post ... But I'll reply anyway. It sounds like... BF is a really nice man who loves his children and respects his ex (the mother of his children). AND I'm not attacking I'm just saying, all of my problems with my dd's SM is that she hated so much how well we got along and how well we co parented. We talked on the phone when dd was not around because we sometimes needed to discuss things out of ear shot. There were times we would meet for a coffee or a happy hour to discuss things that were going on. While Ex was not married to now wife... She put a complete stop to our co parenting because she didn't think it was appropriate. Because she wasn't able to co parent with her ex, neither was he. Because she wasn't getting more than 20% of pay from her ex neither could I. My ex used to be completely devoted to his daughter until he met Someone that didn't have a completely devoted ex so he no longer could be a completely devoted father. It's all about jealous, perception, insecurity and well .. Devotion. Who is getting what while someone else is getting less ... Who is dealing with debt while someone else is not. Who is getting more attention. Who's kids are #1. Afterall you didn't meet someone with full custody... So 40% is all he should be allowed to offer his children. My daughter used to get 80% of her father's love, time and devotion -- I say 80 because the man works ... But his baby girl was his life. I wasn't his life, his daughter was. He married a woman that demanded dd only get the court ordered 40% of his time and now, she barely gets that. SM is happy but guess who suffers. The child that he chose to bring in to this world...

Wew rant over. Carry on.

I'm of two opinions about the daily phone calls. I have an ex-BF whom I email nearly every day; generally just innocuous "Good morning, nice weather, how are you" kind of stuff. DH knows this; he was a bit taken aback at first but I explained that ex-BF is a really nice guy (DH agrees, he's now friends with both of us), we were not right at all for each other but have remained friends for years after we split. It's a bit unusual in that he's male, and an ex-BF, but he's still been a loyal, caring friend - and I did not want to be one of those people who suddenly drops or drastically limits friends because they are in a new relationship. DH trusts me and it's not an issue. I don't really like anyone listening to me on the phone and can honestly see myself wandering off for privacy if I were talking to ex-BF, just because it's a habit. It doesn't sound like your BF and BM are on bad terms so maybe he's just trying to keep a civil relationship - I know DH dearly wishes he could have normal, pleasant conversations with BM on the phone!

With regards to the others, your BF sounds like he has some major guilt issues going on. Even if the two of them have decided that BM is not going to work until youngest is in school, there is no reason why she should not have to stick to a budget like everyone else. I suspect that even if/when she gets a job, she's still going to be calling for money because, well, she's got no reason not to. She's used to your BF paying for her excess, and I can't see her willingly changing that.

The financial issues alone would be raising red flags for me, let alone this silliness of it not being "fair" for your kids to see their relatives without his kids seeing your relatives! I agree with you - it's not fair. Life is not fair. I have several nieces and nephews, all cousins and all fairly close. Only one side still has both sets of grandparents, and those grandparents really enjoy treating their grandchildren; taking them to Disneyworld every year, buying expensive presents, stuff like that. Is it "fair" that their cousins do not get to do those things; they are perfectly lovely children as well? But it's certainly not fair for grandparents to not treat their grandchildren because other kids who are not related to the grandparents do not get to participate!

Kellula, it sounds to me like your BF is expecting you to take up the financial slack of BM not working, basically - as if somehow it's your responsibility that his ex does not work while yours does. That's ridiculous. If she were incarcerated or incapacitated or dead, that would be one thing and you might want to help his kids not miss out - but she's not. BF is trying to have his kids have their cake and eat it too. It doesn't work that way.

Hello again.
Last post on this one...I've already hijacked the thread, so best to lay my stuff to rest. Just to clear up a few things:

myfampg: My disquiet about my ex's contact and financial support with regard to his ex is NOT about sour grapes, I promise you. I am very happy with the support my ex gives mein every sense of the word. My ex is devoted to my kids but he doesn't feel the need to be in my face. He trusts me to bring them up well. He's not in the background, he is very much present in their lives. BUT one of our problems is that my partner doesn't have the same trust with his ex and he openly admits that he's a little bit controlling and would like to be Mom AND Dad to his kids. He gives his ex no credit. I think that your ex's partner doesn't necessarily want to limit his time or dedication to 40% to spite your daughter. Maybe it's more to do with her believing that their relationship needs 60% to work. If he has decided to build a life with her, I personally believe that she has a right to a certain degree of expectation in terms of his dedication to their life together. And maybe she thinks that your husband has made a decision (assuming he made it) to build a life elsewhere and she feels he needs to stand by that decision and dedicate 60% to that life. I'm guessing here. A man can't physically be in two places at once. Sometimes in these situations, his heart his in two places 100% of the time but physically, he has to make tough choices. Of course we like to think that the kids always come first but in reality, if they came first, completely first, a lot of us might not even be divorced. Your ex is also making decisions. Tough ones. It's a little too easy to blame is new partner. She has no loyalty to you or to your daughter. Your ex does. Maybe you should be placing some of the responsibility with him. I know that hurts more, but sometimes I think the other woman ends up being the Fall Guy a little too much. I personally feel very honored that my ex sees me as fit enough to NOT demand more time with my kids. Your ex obviously trusts you enough as a mother to do the lion's share of bringing up your daughter. You should be proud of that. It's not always about men ducking out of responsibility.

Mattie: Her youngest IS in school already.Ha ha. Soit'sevenworse than you thought!!! Wow,I'm depressed. sometimes when you see things on paper (screen) you see how absurd your life is.

Thank you so much for your support.

Bye for now. I promise I will start a new thread next time!

xx

I agree with you -- a man can't be in two places at once but what would people say if I chose my husband over my daughter and only gave her 40% because well.. I can't be in two places at once. It makes no sense honestly. And my ex was on supervised visits for two yrs bc he made the decision on his own to be with someone so controlling that he is not allowed to coparent with the mother of his child. He did make that decision. He is between a Rock and a hard place ... He was hiding my phone calls and deleting my texts so she wouldn't flip over us innocently coparenting. If a man is just a weekend dad then that is one thing but to have week time and weekend time and to be expected not to coparent when he shares a lot of time, is unreasonable. That's just my opinion.