My daughter and husband fight constantly

10 years ago

I have two daughters in their twenties, my husband has a son and a daughter in their 30's.

We have dated for 15 years and decided 5 years ago that are kids were finally grown up and it was time to move on and get married. All four of our children are on their own and we have three grandchildren. My husband has two and my daughter just gave me my first.

There is a LOT of jealously between our three daughters and this is putting a strain on our marriage. Mostly because my husband feels that his daughter does no wrong and all the wrong is done by my two daughters. All we ague about is our kids. I am not sure if I can stay in this marriage any longer, even though I love this man very much.

My youngest daughter just gave me my first grandson and I am planning her wedding for this summer. She came to stay with me for a few day with the new baby so we could have her bridal shower. My husband was already upset because he beieves that we all need to be "one big happy family" and he confronted my daughter with some issues that have been bothering him. He says we ignore his grandchildren and I spend more time doting on my own grandson. To be fair, my grandson lives 400 mikes away and his kids 20 miles. I gave always treated my husbands children and grand children as my own and all I expect from him is the same respect .

When confronted by my husband, My daughter apologized immediatly for what he was complaining about, and I think he was surprised by her fast apology, so he decided to keep going. He has a bad habit of constantly throwing the past into people faces, well, It turned into a full blow out fight between the two of them. My daughter, my grandson and I were all hysterical. I was devasted, he threw them out of my home and she says she is never coming back with my grandson as long as my husband is there.

I have not stopped crying and I don't know what to do to make this nightmare go away. My husband realized what he did was wrong and asked what to do to make it right - he went to my daughter the next day and apologized. But, He doesn't understand the damage he has done and all he wants to do is say "sorry" and experts me to kiss and make up.

Initially, My daughter agreed they should try to get along for my sake . But now she tells me that she is done with him and will never come over - she says I am unhappy and lonely and wants me to divorce him. She says he is the cause of all my stress and the reason I had my heart attack last year.

I need help - I spoke to a therapist last year and she tried to help me thru these problems, but nothing was solved.

Please - I need to get my daughter and my husband on the same page. I don't expect a loving father daughter relationship, but I at least want them to get along for my sake. I love them both and don't want to choose.

I miss my grandson and need help making this right. What should I do?

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Comments (5)

sylviatexas1
10 years ago
I'm so sorry you're going through this nightmare.

Really, you already know the answer;
it's right there in what you wrote.

Your husband is demanding, punishing, & obnoxious.

For me, as for your daughter, the final straw would have been when he threw her *& her newborn child* out of the house.

after having reduced them, & you, to hysterics.

There's no way to satisfy this man's rage, & it'll get worse.

I wish you the very best.
debbie5162
Original Author
10 years ago
Well, a few days have passed. My husband has been doing everything to change my mind about leaving him. I'm still here with him, so I guess I'm giving it a shot, I failed to mention in my first letter (I know it sounds like I'm sticking up for my husband, but it's really not that way), about the temper my daughter possesses. I know how to handle her, but others including my husband don't see her split personality. One minute she is a sweet little girl and the next she's on top of you screaming she is going to kill you in your sleep. That has happened to my husband just twice in the past 18 years. The first episode was 7 years ago and they haven't been close since. Things were getting good and now she lashes out at him again a few days ago, He has sworn to me that he never wants to see me cry like I did that night., nor does he ever want to bring out that hate in my daughter again.

My husband and daughter have made an agreement to move forward, but how long it will last I don't know. I'm going to visit my daughter next weekend alone and I will be cuddling my grandson the entire time. I hope I can talk her into coming back and trying it again.

Am I doing the right thing?
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Nancy9429, My husband was getting worse since married. He did exactly what yours has been doing. For many years of married, I was now starting talk back out loud and told him "you were try yelling real loud to over what I am saying?! Stop doing that. You said you hate me? I do not hated you but inside of me thinking you are an enemy. If you do not like here, pack and leave. " He has getting better since. Good Luck! "Im am truly just exhausted, and this is not the example I want our sons to have and most people would not even understand how this could have gotten so out of hand...... It feels like he just is such a manipulative, bully... he always shouts me down if I try to speak up for myself or defend myself, that way I can't be heard over his booming voice and I can't state what I want to say.... He will just keep repeating in a very LOUD voice some inane subject that makes no sense, but renders my sensible statement unheard... oh well, I do plan to put together an exist strategy, it's just so difficult when he keeps your broke."
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Firstly, about that episode where your bio father suggested sex: you had no way to know to anticipate it, & you had no way to control or stop it. Although it *is* obnoxious, offensive, & disgusting to you & to me, it sometimes happens when bio family members meet for the first time as adults, so much so that counsellors now warn adult children who are meeting their birth parent(s) for the first time to be prepared. & your bio father's family troubles belong to him & to them, not to you. If anything, it sounds like your father brought you into the family to be used as leverage. Dispicable, but the responsibility & the shame belong to your bio father & not to you. Cut yourself free from that particular chain & don't look back. Today is what matters, & you & your children are living under unbearable stress, in a hostile environment, & you're all paying a terrible price. "He thinks I'm evil" is *not* the description of someone you can afford to turn your back on, let alone trust, let alone spend your life with. (note: He doesn't think you're "evil"; he knows that saying that will shatter you, & that's why he does it.) He's been lying to you & manipulating you since before you were married, his family sounds like a co-dependent, disfunctional mess, & sending copies of the facebook pages to all of them sounds like that you've been caught in the same web, going to everybody else for vindication or action instead of dealing with the one person who's actually accountable. If your husband doesn't have any consequences for continuing to behave as he always has behaved, *nothing will change*. He's entirely comfortable, even happy, with his life, he doesn't care that you're unhappy, & he controls you by striking at your most vulnerable points; why would he change anything? It's like raising a child; if you say, "do that one more time & you're losing computer priveleges for a week", & the child does it again, you *have* to take away computer priveleges for a week, or you're just teaching the child that (s)he doesn't have to pay attention to anything you say/threaten, that you're powerless, that (s)he can do *anything* & the worst that will happen is that you'll yell. If you tell your husband that he has to treat you with the respect to which anyone is entitled or you & the children are leaving, & then he says something obnoxious or betrays you by talking to his family about you or does any single obnoxious thing, you *have* to take those kids & leave. (In fact, at this point, I think you have to take the kids & leave anyway; your life & their lives are being corroded every day that you spend in the environment controlled by your husband & his family.) Although it isn't your fault, although you've been manipulated to think you "can't" do anything because you somehow bear the responsibility for his behavior, so far, you've been like the parent who threatens but does not act. Even if your husband never hits you, he's abusing you: A person who controls another person by manipulation, who calls her "evil", who blames her for his own behavior...is an abuser. Get some professional legal help, get some psychological help (abusers *never* go to counselling; they don't want any interference), investigate what kind of help is available for abused wives, & get your kids & get out of there. I wish you the very best.
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Amber3902
10 years ago
There are always two sides to every story. In this situation I suspect that probably both parties, husband and daughter both are contributing to the problem.

There really is no need for your husband and daughter to "get on the same page", except to agree that they both love you. Other than that they really don't need to try and get along or spend lots of time together. It sounds like your husband and daughter are like oil and water and their personalities just rub each other wrong, so maybe the best thing is to limit the time the two of them have to spend with each other.

I think you should go visit your daughter by yourself, and when your daughter comes to visit you, she should stay in a motel instead of in your home.

After all, you did not get married until your kids were out of the home, so your husband and daughter do not have the same kind of relationship that you have with her. To expect them to understand and know either others' quirks at this point in the game is a little unrealistic.
debbie5162
Original Author
10 years ago
Thank you Amber3902' that is exactly the plan I have chosen. I am going alone and when she comes to town she says she will stay elsewhere. I so desperately wanted to have mygrandson here with me for a few days so I could spoil him, but I guess I'll have to wait and see how things go. Your post made me feel like there is hope, I appreciate your input.
Amber3902
10 years ago
You're welcome. I'm not sure how old your grandson is, but when you daughter comes to visit, you could have GS spend the night with you a couple of the nights that they're in town.

Maybe they come over to the house while your husband takes a fishing trip. Not saying you kick your husband out of the house, but maybe there's something he can find to do in the garage/back yard for a couple of hours, KWIM?

Even if he is home when they come over, they don't have to say much more to each other than hello, nice to see you, then go on about their business. Husband doesn't have to be in the same room while you and your daughter and GS visit.

Maybe they can agree to a "truce" and say nothing more to each other than hello and hubby tries to find things to do outside the home when daughter and GS come over to visit. Or you could take daughter and GS shopping.

Really, there are ways to work this so that the time that husband and daughter have to spend in the same location is kept to a bare minimum.

They don't have to be "one big happy family", but they don't have to let their disagreements affect your ability to see your GS. Good luck.

My daughter and husband fight constantly

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My daughter and husband fight constantly

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sylviatexas1

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