Nancy9429, My husband was getting worse since married. He did exactly what yours has been doing. For many years of married, I was now starting talk back out loud and told him "you were try yelling real loud to over what I am saying?! Stop doing that. You said you hate me? I do not hated you but inside of me thinking you are an enemy. If you do not like here, pack and leave. " He has getting better since. Good Luck! "Im am truly just exhausted, and this is not the example I want our sons to have and most people would not even understand how this could have gotten so out of hand...... It feels like he just is such a manipulative, bully... he always shouts me down if I try to speak up for myself or defend myself, that way I can't be heard over his booming voice and I can't state what I want to say.... He will just keep repeating in a very LOUD voice some inane subject that makes no sense, but renders my sensible statement unheard... oh well, I do plan to put together an exist strategy, it's just so difficult when he keeps your broke."

Hello I'm sorry if I have offended some people with my comments. I don't think I explained my situation very well and, as we are all prone to doing when we are feeling down, I focused too much on the negative in my posts. I hope that in not having put my best foot forward I haven't messed up my chances of being able to use the forum to offer and receive support in the future. I certainly didn't want to upset anyone. Hoping to clear up a few issues of doubt (my fault for not making it clearer): 1. I have no problem at all with my partner calling his kids once a day. Twice a day. Whenever he needs to. I should have made it clear that my gripe was with my partner usually calling his ex-wife when his kids aren't even there. This is his right, as their father, to ask about their well-being, but I happen to know that the conversations are rarely limited to his kids. I simply ask him not to hide these calls from me because it creates suspicion where there doesn't need to be any. when he calls her in fron tof me i leave the room. i respect his privacy. But there is no place for hiding stuff in a partnership. he does not HAVE to hide calls to his kids from me in any way shape or form. I'm sorry if my post gave that impression. 2. With regard to the financial situation. My ex gives me as much as he can, which is enough for us to get by on if I work. I have to work to raise my kids. I have always worked. I'm not looking for a free lunch from anyone. My problem with my partner is that his ex has refused to look for work for two years now. We have been struggling because the money he has left after giving 70% of his salary (his choice, not court imposed) to his ex does not cover what we spend and we do NOT live a life of luxury. I appreciate that he has to pay for his kids and compensate his ex for her loss of income due to their divorce. But it's tough when you are both working so hard to make ends meet (actually not BOTH...three of us..because my ex also works hard) and your partner's ex can run up three hundred dollar phone bills in a month calling her latest guy...and you know you will end up footing the bill. This has happened. Things LIKE this happen too much. 3. His kids visiting. I will admit that I did not have a very clear concept of what this would be like for my kids. There are a lot more issues here than I went into in my posts. One of my children has Aspergers and we try to keep to a fairly a tight routine for him. This is not respected when his kids come. My kids are supposed to be in bed by nine but often, he is still here with his kids at this time and I end up having to virtually ask him to leave, which is really ugly. But when you are trying to hold lifer together as a working mom with four kids, things like getting them to bed on time are really important. Having two kids running around at this time makes things stressful when they don't need to be. Rules are not respected sometimes because tends to be soft on his kids. I understand this, when he has limited time with them adn doesn't want to be the bad guy. but it means that my kids get very confused about what is right and wrong. I take a back step and allow him to discipline his own kids but it's hard for mine to understand that there is one rule for them and one rule for my partner's kids. he feels his kids should have complete run of the house when they come. i say there are boundaries that should be respected, which are ONLY the same boundaries that I impose on my own kids, such as them not being allowed to take food without asking, such as the younger kids not being allowed into their older sister's bedroom without permission. To him, this is me not making them feel at home. 4. Vacations. I appreciate that my attitude seems selfish. OK, I admit that it is. I have tried to suggest us going on separate vacations. Last year we did that. We went away with his kids for six days to the beach while mine were with their dad at the beach. Then, when I wanted usto go away with my kids to the beach later in the Summer, he insisted we take his kids too because by taking mine away with us to stay with my friends who had invited us to their rented beach house for a week, my kids were then getting more days at the beach than kis because they had already had six days at the beach with their Dad. Things like that leave you with a bad taste in your mouth because everything gets painted like a competition. my kids are always painted as the lucky ones. I can't take them on a day trip without him insisting we do the same with his kids the following week. He is NOT expected to pay for these trips, by the way. I have familyin England. My whole family. I take my kids there once a year. I can't afford to take them all. I usually have to take one at a time for financial reasons but it is important for them to see their grandparents. What we keep on getting is that it's HIS kids' turn next. I find this really hard. I pay for these trips. Actually, the last few years my family have helped me out and paid for these trips. I would find it so hard to justify to my kids that I would take his kids to stay with THEIR grandparents, leaving them behind. OK, so his kids miss out on a plane trip. But they have all four grandparents down the street. We all have blessings and crosses to bear. They're not always the same. And yes, I am sadly doing my children a disservice a lot of the time because I am trying so hard to make this work and to make him happy and make his kids happy. I think maybe that is why I feel so resentful at times. And I'm glad that some of you have pointed that out to me. xx

I snooped over the weekend... okay, I cleaned SD's desk because it was a horrible mess with papers sticking out of drawers. No, there is no suspicion on drugs, etc. I don't need to be suspicious of drugs... and I sure the hell don't have to toss the room if I suspect drugs! I can look at a kid and tell when they are high. There's no suspicion about it.... I know my kids! (and they can't lie to me... well, they can lie but I can tell when they are lying and I know BS when I hear it!) and I wasn't 'searching' for anything incriminating... I found a couple of notes she probably wouldn't want anyone to see... but then she shouldn't be writing that kind of stuff and leaving it in such a mess. I also found several pages of homework that she had claimed she turned in... not done and shoved in a drawer. She has three weeks of school left and has decided all of a sudden to stop turning in her homework. (Of course I'm sure it has NOTHING to do with her mom's claim that she's failing in school so custody should be changed so she won't fail in school... I'm sure a mom wouldn't tell a kid to fail on purpose so she can gain custody!) I don't know where parents that give kids a right to expectation of privacy are coming from.... I just don't get that! No, a kid should not feel violated... but they do not have a right to privacy the way an adult does. When they have a job, when they pay the bills, when they have their OWN place, then they have a right to expect privacy! Until then, they are dependent on the parents and they have no rights. I grew up knowing my parents could search any part of their house at any time. I guess if I was going to do something wrong, I had better learn to hide it somewhere else. It would have been easy if I knew that my room was off limits to searches... I could have hid bodies in there! Mutual respect? Parents are supposed to be in charge and superior to children. There is a hierarchy in parent/child relationships that seems to be fading in our society. Children respect parents... and grandparents. But, that seems to be falling to the wayside and now we need agencies to protect parents and grandparents from kids that don't respect them and take advantage of them or abuse them. It is disgusting to me how many kids talk crap to their parents in public and I'm convinced that it's because these kids are made to feel they are entitled to be treated as if they are equal to an adult and that their wants are more important. I cannot imagine ever demanding my parents buy me something and if I asked and they said they can't afford it, that I would tell them "well you spent $XX on yourself!" as if I'm entitled because they spent their own money on themselves. That would NEVER happen in my youth but I hear that stuff all the time from kids today!

She doesn't have to love you, but I would ABSO-FRICKING-LUTELY insist that she be civil to you. Tell him that his allowing her to do this crap is not showing you any respect ... abuse and insult by proxy. He's also not helping his daughter any by not having standards for her. He's letting her develop some self-destructive habits that will bite her in the butt in a year or two. One of my uncles married an older woman with 2 daughters. He was all of 22, and they were about 12 or 13 ... one of them sassed her mom and he corrected her. She said "you aren't our dad, you can't tell me what to do" so he picked her up, raised her to his 6'6" eye level, looked her straight in the eye and said "I am not your father, but your mother is now my WIFE, and I will not allow anyone to treat my WIFE with disrespect". Then he lowered her to the floor and walked out of the room.