pashan,
So you have talked to your 14 year old about her disrespect, etc. But have you talked to her about treating her dad as if he is a real person with feelings, etc.?

Your husband said what he felt at the time. Let it pass.
Here is what happens when one parent does things to compensate for what the other parent does or doesn't do.
The kid will loose respect for both parents. The kid also learns that they have some control and power, and they'll use it to work their way around the system.

Your daughter has something to do with how she gets treated. Your husband sounds like a reasonable man, but he has been trumped too many times for too long. I think that you should stay out of what happens between the two of them. Let the daughter see that you are going to allow her to make her own bed and be more responcible for her happyness.

This business about which one should 'make the first' move...there are bigger issues here.

Pashan,
It sounds to me like your daughter needs an attitude adjustment. You say My daughter is a stereotypical 14 year old - attitude, drama, phone stuck in her ear, spends hours on her hair, thinks her friends are the only important people in the world, mostly concerned with what songs are on her iPod and what movie she can go to next! She fights with her 3 younger siblings (ages 9, 6 and 5) and gets mouthy with her parents. She is bossy and a know-it-all. It sounds to me like you are accepting of this behavior because you view it as normal.

I think it's really weird...I'm 24...when I was 14 my parents let me know that I was the child in the relationship and they let me know that everything I had was a privilidge, not a right. We (my brothers and I) were taught, from the start to treat our elders with respect (and everyone else around us for that matter), and to this day that still holds true. I think the problem nowdays (a whole whopping 10 years later) is that a lot of people just accept that their teen/pre-teen is going to be an ignorant lippy little brat...and that's OK because everyone else's kid is too...and at least mine isn't as bad as...

When I was in grade 11 there was the Columbine school shooting, and everyone who heard about it was floored, dumbfounded, completely shocked that something like this could happen in America...kids, with guns, killing people. In the past few months in Alberta we have had a 14 year old and her 20 year old boyfriend murder her entire family (mother, father, and 9 y/o brother), a group of mostly young teens beat a man to death, and another group of young teens attack and kill a man on an LRT. These kids are CHILDREN...and they are killing people. Why?? Probably because they have been raised to believe that they have 'RIGHTS' (sorry, but the only right any child has is to be clothed, fed, sheltered and loved...to have their *basic* *needs* met...everything else is a priviledge). They have very few (if any) responsibilities, they have NO resepect for anyone but themselves, and they have never been taught that their actions have consequences.

Now, I'm not trying to say, in any way, that your daughter is like these kids, but what I am saying is that it doesn't sound like she's picking up on some of the life lessons she will need to function as an adult, and as a result, your husband, in particular, is having a hard time dealing with her. It sounds like she lacks respect...for everyone.

I agree with brass tacks, you need to let your hubby deal with the attitude she directs at him, but I think you should sit down with him, alone, and discuss the need for him to deal with her attitude as it happens, and let him know you will back whatever punishment he gives her. (ie: if he grounds her for a week, help him stick to that decision, and make sure she doesn't come to you for a different answer, and if he tries to lift the gounding early, remind him and her that "No, you're grounded for (three more days) because of (your bad attitude), so you can't (go to the movies tonight with your friends.)") Once you've had a chat with Hubby, to decide what's acceptable behavior & what's not, as well as what suitable punishments are for the specific problems, sit down together with daughter and let her know that both you and Hubby agree that there are some (attitudes) that need to change. Clearly define your expectations of her, and let her know that she will be held accountable for her actions. As brass tacks said - make her responsible for her happyness.

It's called 'tough love'. It may not be easy for you, and she may not enjoy it, but you are supposed to be her parent not her 'friend' (that comes later after you've done your part to raise her to be a responsible, kind young woman). Kids need guidence, instruction, limitations, accountability and lots of love. (They don't need ipods, phones, movies, etc.)

It sounds to be like you have a gem of a hubby. He has taken your daughter, and made her his own, in every way possible. He has loved her like his own (and still does). Just because he said (and likely meant) "I can't stand her", doesn't mean that he doesn't still love her...I don't think I've met a parent with a teen, who hasn't mentally, at one time or another, been like Homer and and thought "Why you little...!" (choke the little ungrateful ...) not that they ever would harm their kid, and they always love them...but sometimes they just "can't stand" them. It sounds to me like your hubby is being pushed so much that he's losing his patience with her. Their relationship may need a bit of mending, but I think you should deal with daughters attitude first. If you get that under control, their relationship will rebuild naturally, and they'll start doing things together again. It's all a matter of respect.

Verena
(Who vividly remembers pushing my parents to the edge...they set the limits, and I had to deal with the consequences of my actions, but it has made me a better person, and now we get along great...true friends with respect for each other.)

pashan,
Something I would like to interject...let's talk about respect. We don't always know what is going on in the minds of our kids. But here is a perspective. I'm not pointing a finger at you--just some thoughts.

When a mom or dad yell at each other, or pick on each other, criticize, belittle, etc., these are causes for the other people in the household to feel uncomfortable and also to loose respect. Something deep inside of us knows what hurts--and when a person engages in hurtful kind of behaviers--well, feelings erode.

When the way we conduct ourselves in public doesn't match-up with how we conduct ourselves at home--well, we're seen as hypocrites. Maybe kids don't know that word, 'hypocrit', but it's just another reason that we loose what could be called 'respect' (another word not understood by many).

Verenap made some worthy points to consider.

I am a big proponent of listening and honesty. If we listen to our kids with sincere hearts--and then don't criticize them for their feelings--understanding and trust, and maybe respect develop.

Another thought--kids having to live in a household where there is unhappyness, will as soon as they can--find ways to escape the reality of their unhappyness.

Just one more thought...My kids have always been big achievers--they are great at being focused, etc., etc. I sometimes wondered how they were able to accomplish so much--and I realized that part of it had something to do with being raised in a home where parents handled only what the children were not able to handle. This went for just about everything. They have few fears that I'm aware of. They know that they can do just about anything. The kids would come to us with a cituation--we didn't tell them what to do--no, no. Instead we would ask them to think of some things they could do. We used to have a great deal of fun doing that. We would come up with crazy solutions, funny solutions--we would talk about possible outcomes. You get the idea.

There are plenty of homes where just one of the parents handles the children. There isn't anything wrong with that...Oh sure it's nice if there is someone to share with--but if that doesn't work--why persue it. It's no different that one person decides to take care of the money, one decides to do the repairs, etc. Do what works.

Get rid of your drama--it's hard on the family.

Get rid of your drama Any suggestions on how to do this? My husband suggested packing his bags... that would get rid of a great deal of drama!

There are plenty of homes where just one of the parents handles the children. There isn't anything wrong with that... Unless the parent handling it all doesn't WANT to be the one handling it all! For the record, I also pay the bills and do the repairs... :-)

Thank you to both of you - some great advice, which I intend to follow this weekend! I'll have a chat with hubby and sit down with he and our daughter after. I like what you said about making her responsible for her own happiness. Very good point!!

I still am very hurt about him saying he couldn't stand her. There was WAY too much emotion and anger behind those words and I am very sure he ment exactly what he said! I would NEVER EVER EVER say that about any of our children. I am appalled by it, quite frankly!

Thanks!
~P

"Unless the parent handling it all doesn't WANT to be the one handling it all! For the record, I also pay the bills and do the repairs... :-)"

Welcome to my world--except that you are the mommy and I'm just the stepmom.

Be advised, your husband is NOT going to change. He's always going to be the pushover, the good guy, etc., but you probably know this. My husband is just the same way. All you can really ask of someone like that is to support a decision that YOU have made because he's not going to enforce his own--for whatever reason. Maybe he doesn't feel entitled to make those kinds of decisions or guilt, whatever. Really doesn't matter, he's not going to do it.

If you have to be the heavy, so be it. Someone has to for the good of the kids. Yes, I realize that it builds resentment, but I suspect that's just something that you're going to have to let go. There's a job to do, and he's NOT going to do it, so if you want your kids to grow up to be respectful, kind, loving people, you have to do it. I find it ultimately frustrating too, but it really isn't about me. It's about the kids.

The "I can't stand her" comment sounds like heat of the moment stuff, and it's just time to let that go. Holding onto that just doesn't do anyone any good. He has shown otherwise in the past, so I would tend to believe him when he says that he meant that he couldn't stand her behavior. It would get under my skin, too.

Pashan,
Cool down. So you are going to have a pow-wow this weekend. I hope it's not going to be a surprise event. That puts everyone else at a disadvantage--and then you don't get the positive responses you would like.

My family used to have what we called 'family counsel'. We didn't talk about more than one issue. Anyone could call a 'family counsel'. The counsel meetings didn't last for very long. And the person calling the counsel meeting had to inform the rest of the family what he wanted to talk about at least a day ahead of time. There was one rule, you could not interrupt another person. We sat in a circle or at the table. No one could leave the room. The phone got turned off. You get the idea--you could not be interrupted. You made your case and everyone got a turn to talk until there was a resolve.

The counsel that the kids never forgot was when someone got sick and tired of going to the bathroom and not haveing paper. So, we had a demonstration on how to put toilet paper onto the role. Instruction, etc. Problem was NEVER repeated. Kids say--to this day.

It is a great experience. The idea is that each individual has the opportunity to be heard--kids love to be heard! The adult(s) agree that this is not a time to argue or bash, etc. Kids might have a hard time not doing that, but they have to be reminded that the whole cousel is about solving problems. In a functional family, it becomes a practice--many important issues get resolved--not all negative issues. Family decisions, vacation, big projects, etc.

Don't try to resolve all kinds of issues. That just does not work at all! Just try to resolve one simple problem. After the family gets the jest of how the 'family counsel' works, they'll start to contribute a whole lot.

Great way to teach co-operation, communication, listening, etc.

Hope you have a very positive experience. We are cheering for you!!!