WOW...This makes me very glad that I have a supportive man. It isn't the fifteen year olds fault. She is being a normal fifteen year old. I mean it doesn't HELP that Bio-mom is planting poison dartrs in her brain but teenagers in general can be monsters. I know cause' I use to be one:) I gave my BIOmom hell poor soul. That's another story, back to mister father of the year. He NEEDS to support you. It doesn't matter if this child is a step or blood....kids LOVE to play parents against one another. There is just more chess pieces to play with when there are Step parents involved. If daddy puts the foot down with princess, and I don't mean be a ruthless jerk but just lays down the boundaries, the behavior will stop. I think parents like dad feel guilt over the divorce or working long hours or not getting little Suzie that pony when they were five or whatever so they over compensate by letting the kiddies get away with out right murder. This is a horrible dis-service to the children because they never learn to except "NO". Unfortunatly for them no is a staple in the real world diet....Dad is setting up his daughter dearest for a ruff road if he doesn't help her understand that "YOU CAN'T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WAAANT". That Mick Jagger knew what he was talking about.

Oh my...this is tough...I know what I am about to say may get me some negative comments but I am prepared for them so here goes. If Dad won't set her straight, YOU need to do it. For 4 years I have been a stepmom to 3 while being a bio mom to 2 and I have gone to my DH the entire time begging him to help me hold the stepchildren accountable. I finally accepted last month that it was not going to happen. He is NOT going to step up. He may try for a day but most of what he actually does do is threaten a consequence and will not follow through. Honestly, my DH drives me crazy with his repeat warnings. He asks nicely for a child to clean their room...a few hours later when it's still trashed it's like "clean your room now!" They don't...so he says "I told you to clean your room now and if you don't you are going to be grounded!" They of course do nothing. Three days later he realizes that they never cleaned their room...so he starts the whole process over. When I remind him that he just told them they were going to have a consequence 3 days ago if they didn't do it, he just looks at me perplexed and says "But I didn't tell them yet TODAY." SS11's room is so disgustingly nasty that I worried about him playing and sleeping in there...so I gave up on DH and I laid down the law. This is my house, too. I don't need their room to be spotless but rotting food and dirty underwear all over the place is where I draw the line. BM sees them 4 days a month. DH says them about 30 minutes a day. I am the only thing that is constant in their lives and I'm done with waiting on DH and BM to be parents. So I look like the bad guy. Big deal. I am very lucky that my kids do tend to listen after having to face consequences consistently...so eventually they will conform... Just a few weeks ago I was mega concerned with always looking like the bad guy and my house was thoroughly trashed constantly. I came to a point where I was prepared to leave my DH because he just was not going to change. And forget BM siding with me on the nasty messes they were leaving. She would probably give them a high five for making messes that I had to clean. The day I realized that I had nothing to lose, I wised up and started being a disciplinarian. Things have changed in so many ways. Yea, I'm a little upset with DH that I have had to take over this role but that's okay for now...All 5 of the kids in this house suddenly have a sense of pride in making ME proud of them. I have never heard "Come and see how clean my room is!" more than I have in the last month...and of course they get praise every single time...Because of a change in behavior and meeting responsibilities, I have reintroduced night time snacks (special treat that I used to provide each and every night) and I hosted a sleepover with 3 of the kids friends over...Yes, EIGHT kids. I had 8 kids in my van, driving to the local civic center and to the store for snacks afterwards and kids were sleeping EVERYWHERE but the kids had a GREAT time. After their company left today, they cleaned the house up in better condition than it was the day before... Your SD needs consequences, guidance and tough love combined with praise and rewards for a job well done. If no one else is able to provide this, jump right in and take over it yourself. Of course, get DH's complete backing before you make this change...I had DH"s full support...it was easy enough to get...it meant he didn't have to do it! For 4 years, my fear was that the stepchildren would 1) tell mom on me for being parental and 2) tell mom lies and exaggerations about what was going on. I had to a adapt a "Who gives a damn?" attitude. If BM calls me and says "I hear you went through my daughter's clothes and took away all of spaghetti strap tops" I would just say "Yep. She just turned 14, and can't seem to learn how to wear them appropriately. I got tired of her showing half of her stuff and bending over in public where everyone could see everything she has so I took them and put them away. I also took the jeans that are too tight on her and the ones with holes in the rear end. You have a problem with that?" I have nothing to lose. My option is to leave...or go crazy. The kids NEED guidance and apparently BM and DH are too concerned with being a the "most popular parent." I won't be a pawn in this game because they are only hurting the kids...sadly they don't see that...

Thank you both for your responses. Amber i do tell my daughter under no cercumstance is she allowed to disrespect him. She has had her privileges taken way on a monthly base. Usually he is the one who picks the punishment and for how long. Sometimes im not exactly sure what all he takes away. The last time he punished er he took everything away from her. She doesnt have tv computer, netflix, going to movies for over six months. I unfortunately did not heard the punishment, because the day he gave the punishment i was recovering from a bronchoscopy. I thought I had heard him say she can not play on anything he bought, but unfortunately i was wrong. She is banned from everything. She can only play with her toys and read books. My husband has always had my oermission to disciplinw our daughter. I've tried very hard not to step on his toe when it came to punishing her. Even though six months of no electrinics is a pretty tough punishment for an eight year old, i've still stood behind him. She had a project last month and my husband refused to help her because of how she treats him. He feels that she wont fail becausebof her age and will give her a grade for effort. I however feel completly different. School work is not something i am going to say no to. No my husband does not have children of his own. Our daughter is his first shot at being a parent. He goes by how he acted as a child and expects the same way, he was a good obedient kid. Myself, on the other hand, gave my parents a challenge. I didn't do bad things against the law but i gave quite a few gray hairs to my mom. I know he cares about her but even i have doubts. I understand how mean she can be, trust me she hurts me the worst when she gets in one of her moods. However no matter how much she mistreats me,im still her mother. I should always be there for her. He is a dad now and he should also be beside me helping her through this. We have tried sitting down with her and explained the things we would be able to do as a family if only she listened to what we asjed her to do. She seems to behave for a few days and goes back to the same way as before. Unfortunately she is half the time with us and half the time with her bio dad so she gets a break from her punishmebt. When she comes back we have to start all over again. I've tried to explain to my husband she is just a child, usually when ahe is not around, but he doesn't follow. To him he just see an evil kid who will not change. He has even said out loud that if she doesnt change that she will one day be flipping burgers at a fast food joint. Anytime i sit with him and talk about her it's always negative. He doesnt even believe her teacher when we were told how smart she is and how polite and respectful she is. I was evwn stopped by the before and after school care staff last week, on how polite and respectful and willingness to help she was.

You know, the more research and blogs I go on regarding the topic of being a step-parent (to children of divorce), the more I think Dr. Laura was right. Dr. Laura said that divorced parents should not remarry (nor even really date) until their children are out of the home. Just seems to me that whomever the divorced parent remarries or gets involved with, winds up paying a high price for someone else’s divorce. When you marry someone, you are to be connected at the hip, so to speak. Sometimes this works where the step-children (adult or not) recognize dad or mom’s new spouse. But, usually the step-mom, for example, winds up a) having much responsibility for these children with no recognized authority, and b) becoming the scapegoat simply because it is much easier to go after step-mom, a non-relative than going after a relative, blood. AND, I’ve come to understand that there are some with children who even think that when they remarry, their spouse somehow magically agreed to be put in that position! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read something like, “Oh, well you knew so and so had children, so now that they are breaking your heart and trashing your home and making your life a hell, you have to put up with it.” Sorry! If anyone expected that when they married someone with children, then there would be no remarriages period. Which brings me back to my original thought. Maybe Dr. Laura was right. Divorced parents should not remarry (nor even really date) until their children are out of the home. (Sure, there can be problems with adult step-children too, but if one thing, disengagement is easier with adults.} Seems like two people can’t stand each other, get divorced, and the ones to pay the heaviest prices are their children and the people they go on to remarry. Very selfish of these divorced parents, in some ways I think.