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husband has new found 21 year old daughter

User
9 years ago

I am having a lot of trouble coping. Please dont beat me up. I need help. I found out my husband of almost 22 years has a 21 year-old daughter to a woman he dated very briefly right before we met. It lasted maybe 3 months. He and I met just after this girl's mom became pregnant with her. As soon as he found out she was pregnant he came to me and said there was a chance the baby could be his. I was falling in love and I guess I didn't want to believe it. That was when he tried finding out from the mom if he was her father. He was told no and to stay out of their lives. I chose to stay with him and marry him. When she was born I was the one that called the hospital and put him on the phone. The girl's mom again said no and to stay out of their lives.�Some added background...
I never knew who my dad was. I finally met him shortly after I turned 18. The summer after I met him I went to live with him and his family. My dad and I hit it off great at first. I think he tried to make up for lost time. He kind of went overboard. He had a daughter and son to his new wife. There were problems in the family before I came along but I didn't know it at the time. My half- sister became so jealous and upset she tried to kill herself that summer. There were other problems too. Now all the bad things that happened weren't all because I came into the picture but they definitely didn't help. After a few years and after all the issues I found out my dad was a real piece of crap and he did something unforgivable. We were very close . One day he said we were so close that we should take our relationship to a higher level. He wanted to sleep with me. I ended all ties with him at that time. He died a few years ago. So based on my experience having a long lost child come into a family wasn't a good one. So as wrong as it may sound I made the statement years ago to my husband that I hoped this girl didn't show up on our doorstep someday. Truth be told I didn't want anything to ruin my family. I didn't want any of our future children to be hurt or there to be any problems because of it. Because I said that he made a decision (one I didn't know about until recently) to not ever discuss this girl with me. And the subject never came up again. For almost 21 years I was under the impression that he didn't really know if she was his daughter or not. He told me I had nothing to worry about and that she would never be an issue. He said he was fine with that. Because �I didn't know my dad my husband can not understand �why I am not more understanding �and open to this girl. He thinks I am evil.

I am sorry I skipped how this girl just recently came into our lives.

A few months ago I was at MY 12 year-old's soccer game. I went looking in my car for change to buy her a water. Instead of finding change I found a piece of paper in my husband's handwriting with an address for DNA testing. I got physically ill. I thought I was going to pass out. I didn't know what to think. I didn't know if he was having an affair, if he had gotten someone pregnant or if his past was coming back to haunt him. He was at a football game with our 17-year-old daughter but I could not wait until he got home. I took a picture of the note and sent it to him and asked him if there was something he wanted to tell me. He responded with a yep. Well when he came home he told me that his sister knew of this girl through mutual friends on Facebook or something like that. I think she may have been the one who introduced the girl's mom and my husband. So she knew that the girl's mom had become pregnant and that it could be his. Well, she took it upon herself to seek her out, friend her, share my personal private life with her, to send her pictures of my daughter and to say hey I think I know who your dad is. Then she had the balls to actually go meet her and take her kid with her. Now my husband says he knew nothing about this, that he did not intend to ever seek her out that his sister did this on her own. He said he had to respect the mother's wishes.� He said he didn't know for sure if she was his. He said that once his sister told him, as he said started this and opened this can of worms he had to continue with it at that point. He, however, still felt he couldn't tell me what was going on. I have to be honest with you I find this totally unforgivable. Even if he thought I would be angry, even if he thought I would leave him he should have told me the truth. I stuck by him, I still married him almost 21 years ago knowing that he might have a daughter. The fact that all this happened and he didn't tell me was bad enough but the fact that he and and his sister were going to do the DNA testing is just mind blowing to me. He said he lied to protect my feelings and he feels he was justified in doing so. I did not agree. I believe he did more harm by lying.�

So then I thought everything was out in the open. I was furious with his sister for doing this. I mean who in their right mind does something like this to another person's family? If you lined 100 people up I think you would have trouble finding 5 people who would think she had any right to do this especially without his permission.� He even told her that he wasn't ready for this. Atleast that is what he told me. If anything was to be done it should have been done by the girl or him and no one else. Everyone who knows the story is appalled and disgusted by her actions. Now he makes excuses for his sister. He says she is just stupid and doesn't know any better. That she didn't do it to be malicious or hurtful. He is wrong on one thing. She may be stupid but she does know right from wrong. Truthfully I wanted him to be furious at her for doing this, for making life decisions for him. I thought he should be furious for potentially putting his marriage and his children in jeopardy.� What if this had been really upsetting to out 3 children? What if I decided to take the kids and leave him? I mean she never stopped to think how it might impact us, my family. Then she just kept adding insult to injury. She told this girl that the family had bugged her for years to find this out, that they all were dying to meet her and she even sent her a message saying that the family found out about the DNA testing and that it was all good that we were all fine. None of that could be further from the truth. Hardly any of the family knew except his sister and his mom. No one ever mentioned this to the sister at all during 21 years. And believe me when I found out I was not fine. Things were not fine. I know none of this is the girl's fault. She has every right to know her dad and he to know her but I don't want her in any of our lives. �Everytime I think of her I think of all the lies. I can not lie I did not really want my children to become involved with her. I wasn't even very open to him having a relationship with her either. It is my own insecurities and a direct result of seeing how my dad's family fell apart when they found out about me. I guess although I really don't know anymore. I just don't have any trust and I don't want her in our lives.

After I thought everything was out in the open and there were no more lies and secrets I was in for a rude awakening. My husband's sister had given my husband her facebook password so that he could have a way to see what was being said between this girl and his sister and have a way to talk to her himself if he wanted to. Well, I made it very clear that I wanted his sister out of the picture that he and I needed to be the ones to handle this from here on out. That I needed to be his go person, his support...his partner. He refused to cut her out of the picture. He said he would once he didn't need her as a means of communicating with her.� I admit I wasn't very happy. After being kept in the dark and lied to I thought that I atleast deserved to finally be included and be made the number one person in his life. I felt his main priority right now was to rebuild our marriage,� the trust that had been destroyed. �I also needed and wanted him to be angry at his sister for jeopardizing our lives. I realize that may sound selfish, insecure and just plain wrong but i was very hurt and angry. So i stepped up and arranged for the dna testing. Once the testing was done I did not feel a need for his sister to still be in the picture. After the testing was done he said he would not contact the girl until after the results were back that there was no need to. Well, a few days before the results were back I came across a piece of paper with his sister's facebook login information on it. I know it was wrong but i was dying to see if it was true that his sister really approached her and did this on her own.� So i logged into her account.� I was just mortified reading the messages between the two of them...all the things she did and said. But what was most hurtful was when I came to a message my husband sent her. He had told me he wouldn't contact her before the results were back. Then I see he sent her a message thanking her for doing the test, that he couldn't wait to meet her, that he thought about her for a long time and he wanted to make plans to meet her. I was crushed. His message did not sound like a man who was waiting for unknown dna test results. It sounded like a man who already knew what the results would be. And what a blow to everything I believed my marriage was built on. I mean how could he say he thought about her for 21 years but in that same 21 years he could never confide that to me? What I thought was my soulmate, my best friend, the love of my life, the only real family I ever had didn't feel he could share his deepest thoughts, feelings and needs with me. My heart was broken. My trust, everything I believed in was gone...just a big lie. At that moment I truly wanted to die. If it weren't for my three children I am not sure I would have been able to find the strength to go on. Since the moment I found that note my household has been nothing but pure misery. Constant fighting, screaming matches...the kids especially our oldest disabled son. Now hus sister was made aware how badly this was affecting us yet she didnt care. She just kept pushing. She actually invited this girl to our yearly fourth of July family outing. I mean is she insane. I wasn't even willing to accept this yet, I couldn't even wrap my head around it. She knew I had lost the will to live, that my kids were in pain, that my marriage was most likely over and that my husband's job was even being affected by all the fighting yet she said she was right and was going to continue to push the issue.The new daughter met with my husband and the first thing out of her mouth was how messed up his sister was. She wanted to unfriend and block her but was afraid to offend anyone. She told him all the creepy stuff his sister facebooked to her. If his sister didn't care about me or my kids didn't she atleast care enough about her brother to let him handle this? Before deciding if this girl should meet the rest of the family shouldn't his wife atleast be ok with it first?�

So after reading this facebook transcript between the two of them I copied and pasted it. Again I know this wrong. But I emailed it to to my husband's family. I wanted them to see the awful things the sister had done. At the end of my email I explained my feelings. I stated that I would never ever be in the same room with her and if she walked in front of my car i couldn't promise I wouldn't hit the gas with full force. I then begged that they not mention this to anyone because if it got back to my husband it would make him very angry and it would definitely be the end of my marriage.� He is a very private person and doesn't believe in telling anyone anything personal. He wouldn't even approve of me going to a counselor...individual or marriage.� So i all but begged them to keep quiet. I felt that they had a right to know what was going on. Plus I wanted to know if they did indeed know about this and bugged and pushed his sister to seek this girl out. I believed I could trust them. On a more selfish note I guess i was looking for someone to be on my side. Someone to validate my feelings. I wanted people to tell me that my husband and his sister were wrong for their behavior.� Everyone did just that with the exception of my husband's brother's wife ME.� She instead ran right to his sister telling her how I invaded her privacy by logging into her facebook.� Now my husband had already known I did this because as soon as I knew he lied to me and contacted this girl after saying he wouldn't and what he said I flipped out. Now ME and I had a disagreement years ago. I thought it was over but obviously it wasnt. Unlike his sister she is not stupid in any way, shape or form. Even though i begged her not to say anything she did it with one intention. ..to hurt me, to deliberately and maliciously cause me trouble with my husband. She wanted to make sure it was the straw that broke the camel's back...that she ended my marriage.� She hasn't even expressed any remorse or concern. So now i wont attend any family functions and they go without me. His sister said if someone had done what she did to me she would be doing exactly what I did maybe even worse. She would have snooped on facebook and everywhere else. So tell me are those the words of someone who doesn't realize what she did. So again I try to get over the latest round of lies and hurt. However everytime I think it will be ok something else happens that sets me back. I take two steps forward only to take four backwards.�

Now distrust and suspicion is on my mind 24/7.� One day i get an email from Verizon about backed up pictures. I see they are from my husband's phone. I decide to look. Afterall he had nothing else to hide. Plus i was working on a photo christmas album and thought there might be some photos I could use.� well I see hundreds of photos of this girl saved to his phone. Then I look at the dates...they go back atleast three years. So silly me thought that this stuff just started a few months ago. Not the case. So i confront him. I said after all of it was out on the table why wouldn't he come clean and be 100 percent truthful? I mean I couldn't possibly have been hurt anymore than I already was. Why not start with a clean slate...no lies left out there? I mean if you tell me you aren't going to lie anymore and you don't want to lose me and you want to make everything right� why would he still hold something back. Something big like the fact that he had been thinking about this girl and basically "stalking" her� for atleast three years or longer. That he actually found her and had saved 100's of pictures not to mention a few kind of sleezy looking pictures of her. That this was so important to him and he was so consumed by it for so long...that it mattered so much but he couldn't share it with me. My heart just broke in a million pieces. He simply said that i didn't need to know. He said he had put two and two together, found her on social media and saved her pictures in case the websites disappeared.� He said he never intended to meet her but atleast he would have the pictures. He gave his sister the girl's name and told her to keep an eye out/on this girl because they lived near each other. He said he never intended to meet or do anything with this girl.�

So next my husband and this girl plan to meet. I feel like the first meeting should be just between the two of them. He explains that the girl is bringing her sister. I get that. I would be very leary meeting a stranger for the first time. But he decides he is going to take our oldest daughter with him. I am sure this is probably wrong too but I was hurt and angry. After being left in the dark and being lied to I am again being left out. I thought it was wrong for my daughter to meet her before me. I also felt even though it would be uncomfortable for him he should have had the first meeting by himself.�

�I am sure that everything I have said just screams insecurity and jealousy.� I am not going to lie I did feel that after all the lies that my husband ought to be bending over backwards to make sure I felt included, number one and that he keeps everything out in the open and doesn't lie anymore. I don't think he should pass gas without leaving letting me know first. I feel like he gave up his right to privacy. He doesn't. �He feels violated. So we fight constantly. �He says the kids and I are the most important �thing that this girl doesn't matter. This clearly is not true. He says the only way this will end is if he is mean (becomes the mean person I want him to be) and hurts this girl. I say no that he will resent and blame me maybe not�today�but someday. So we are at an impasse. I don't want her in our �lives. He does.�
I begged him to not meet with her two days before Christmas. I asked him to postpone it until after the holidays. I said we needed this time and distance and to try to salvage the holidays. He refused. He says I will never forgive �him for picking her over me/us.We had problems before this girl entered our lives we just ignored them. We were in a sexless, non-affectionate marriage.I blame myself but I am unable to change my way of thinking. I told him I will separate if that will make it better. He says no. He says he doesn't �want to live and it 100% because �of me. He can't function �at work. He constantly �checks facebook as this is his only means of communicating �with this girl. I am constantly �questioning �everything �he does. He says I have destroyed him. It has affected �our children...everything.�
I don't know what to do. I feel like the worst person in the world. He says I am evil and he doesn't want to live because of me that I am forcing him to choose. I don't want to continue fighting. I also don't want to be the cause of something bad happening. How do I get through this?

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