My husband and I just found he has a 17 year old daughter
9 years ago
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9 years ago
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My daughter is so down, she just found out
Comments (9)It's always complicated when mom knows...it's important that she have a confidante somewhere that doesn't take sides. If she and her husband can work this out, which they can if they both want to, then they need people cheering them on heart and soul. Otherwise, each time they see you it will remind them of their failures - I recommend the BEST book written for this situation, for her: How Can I Forgive You, by Janis Abrahms Spring. Also, After The Affair by the same author. She's excellent. Better to work it out with a willing parter and create a real relationship (it wasn't real before and during the affair) than to leave, bitter and with baggage. On the ohter hand, if he or she is unwilling, then there's not much that can be done. There are few things in this world more profound and meaningful than going through the painful process of forgiveness and repentance. Once accomplished correctly, nothing can compare. As a mother, your (faked if necessary) neutrality will allow her to make that decision to stay and work on it or to leave, all on her own, which will make her stronger. Hard, isn't it? This life is about learning and growing, changing, discovering what you didn't know about yourself, tweeking, perfecting - this could be an amazing opportunity as painful as it may be for your daughter and husband to truly look at themselves and each other for what is real and what they could have once they become real with each other. Just stinks that sometimes people have to do it the hard way!...See MoreHelp! My fiancee's 7 year old daughter still sleeps in his bed!!
Comments (35)Help I have the same problem but it's EVERY weekend and it's MY house and MY bed. at first it was just saturday night but now his ex has taken to last minute asking my fiance to take his 8 year old daughter on friday night's. the first night she asked to sleep with us he got mad, he was still enjoying our cuddle time. i felt bad cause our relationship was so new i told him she was scared and it was ok. WHAT A MISTAKE! it hasn't stopped since, 3 months. he doesn't even try to put her in her own bed. if i do stay in the bed i usually end up on the couch. the other night i went to sleep in her bed but could not fall asleep. i thought screw this, that is my bed. they were both asleep but i pushed myself in next to him. i don't know what to make of it. i can't think she's afraid. it's a small house her room is literally 10 feet down the hall. we leave a light on in her room, the bathroom light on and both bedroom doors wide open. i've talked to him about this twice and my plan was to just go sleep somewhere else but now i'm thinking he can sleep with her in the little twin bed or if he can't be man enough to stand up to her and lets her come to our bed he can sleep in the middle so i can still be close to him. she does this whenever we are together. if we are sitting on the couch she insists on sitting between us. when we took her to the movies she let us know well in advance she was sitting in the middle. i hate to sound like a spoiled child. i just don't know what i am doing. i never dated a man with an ex wife let alone children so all this is new to me. he doesn't have these things to deal with as my children are grown. i think it is even harder for me because when my son was the same age i had moved in with a man and he was still dealing with his father's and my divorce. he would come to our bed almost every night. my boyfriend at the time would get very angry. i worked really hard to get my son to sleep in his bed through the night even as it broke my heart.of course i wanted to comfort him and make him feel safe. i feel like i am in a terrible position...See Moremy bf has a 13 year old daughter who is really upsetting me
Comments (21)Went through the same thing with my DH daugther. but she was 6 or 7ish at the time. Its understandable. She feels now she is competeing with you and is expressing it like a 13 year old. Dont let it bother you. Always keep open communication with her and your bf. Dotn think too far like having kids now. Keep dating and live together , take it one day at a time. More important. You and your Bf have to be on the same page and stick to your relationship. His daughter does not dictate your time or how you date your bf. You are the adult.You are in control with your BF. Let him speak to his daughter, let him keep at it with her. You keep your cool and at her age, the teen years she is also going through alot of emotions. Give her space and give her time. If she acts out during vacation let her father deal with it. Dont let it get you down. When she acts like a baby, then leave her with her dad to deal with and you get out and enjoy yourself. You make sure you show her that her behaviour is not nice and that it wont get your down. She wants to behalf nasty then she will have to deal with the consequences. My SD doesn have text messaging and i wouldn't accept it either between me and her. Just gives her power and i do not let her have any since now adays she is being rude. She's a teen:) Thats how they are. Deosnt matter if they are biokids or stepkids or adopted kids...its the age! But it doesn't mean you have to put up with it. Stand your ground and you keep telling her how you feel. BUT if she gets a rise out of you being hurt then you ignore her tactics and say its a wonderful day and your are soooo happy. :) There will be many games , and many ups and downs..i'm sure she does like you . She just needs to adjust and really understand that she doesn't have to be threatened by you. This is what it is. She feels that now that her dad has someone, he wont be as close with her even though the times of seeing her haven't changed. Over time you will prove yourself with your actions and words. Be friends but if she resists..don't force it. you can only be friends with her...not her mother. So if she doesn't want to be friends with you..its ok. I told my SD...if she doesn't want to be friends that's fine with me. I have alot of friends. But you be respectful towards antoher human being..if not..the door is there. Swing both ways..I dont care who you are related to....See More17 year old Stepson has gone nuts
Comments (2)g8trgrad98: It is almost scary how much your situation parallels my own. I had written in this forum a number of years ago when my stepson was about 16/17, and just recently as my stepson is approaching 21 (2 weeks). I was in a very similar situation - my stepson was like my own despite his bio-dad in the picture. I was the parent 320+ days of the year and treated things like that - and things were great until that wonderful 15/16 age hit. Like you, I had the typical "you are not my parent" attitude and also like you I had a kid doing a fair amount of pot (does even more now it seems). However, my stepson did not have a grandparents home to run to, so during this whole time he has been in the house. I've had two children with my wife, and they were born when my stepson was 11 and 13. He started out really great with them, but sadly now my kids (now 9 and 7) ask why their brother is so mean and grumpy. I wonder how involved your wife is in this case with either backing you up and setting up rules, or defending her son. My situation was (and still is) very difficult because my wife enables her son and will often tell me to back off while she continues to do so. Has this been an issue in your case? What does she say when your stepson asks her to choose between him and you? Sorry to say that I've come to the conclusion that for some kids, seemingly mine included, they won't ever get a clue until life deals a viscous dose of reality to them. My suggestion to my own wife is that once we stop the money, the coddling, and the comforting life will end up showing this kid what it can do. To that end, better to do that now while he is this young and stop protecting him. Once he experiences poverty, perhaps tinged with a dose of desperation, I think that can change a perspective. Unfortunately, my wife still insists on keeping her boy protected, and the results have again been much like yours - I'm beginning to resent this child I love and felt had so much potential. My wife wonders why I don't take him golfing and be his buddy, but I'm finding my resentment building and just can't fake it. Not sure what you can do with your stepson with him being 17, but I just can't help but feel that a few body blows from reality might help - just wonder whether your wife would be able to go for it....See More
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