While it is understandable that SD would be upset that every time she goes to visit BF she is spending either the time with you alone or "sharing" BF for you as this is very new to her - her feelings are acceptable - the reaction is not. BF needs to sit her down and have a talk that she is to respect you.

Also, I would give them time alone -- it's not going to hurt anyone and she is not seeing him very often as it is. You DO spend more time with BF -- so it would be nice to give her some alone time with Dad.

First, I dont think you should be reading her eamils (or beebo(?)). Second, I dont think you should be screening her calls to her dad, and making her apologize before she speaks to her dad. You should not ask her "are we still friends". She does not have to be your friend. You can ask DH that she be civil to you, if she has not been. But as said above, she does not see much of her dad. She is entitled to express to her dad she is sorry she doesnt see him more. She does not come weekends to visit you, she comes to visit her dad. If he can not be there, he should consider re-arranging either his work schedule or his visitation schedule. Maybe he could see her one or two evenings during the week, attend her school events, etc.

missavatar,

It's wonderful that you are forming a friendship with her and there's nothing wrong with asking 'are we still friends?'. I go through this with my SD sometimes, she comes home from her mom and won't talk to me. We get along great most of the time so when she acts that way, I ask her "Are you mad at me? Have I done anything to upset you?" and the usual answer is no. She feels a loyalty to her mom and she misses having her dad all to herself. If I ignore her attitude and talk to her like always, she will usually forget that she's 'mad' at me (or whatever the attitude is for) and if I question why she's treating me that way, she will usually say something like she was thinking about something else that has nothing to do with me and she's not trying to ignore me. Then she usually bounces back to talking and getting along with me. I say usually because occasionally she will say something about something her mom has said about me. That's when I tell her "I'm sorry your mom feels that way but that has nothing to do with you and me. I love you and want us to get along." Then it usually gets better from there.

My daughter is 18 and tells me that sometimes it's hard for her to share me with my husband. It used to be just me & my kids. They had me there all the time and as teenagers, I'd have thought they would not want to hang out with me so much. Most of the time, they didn't want to hang out around me but I was there if they decided to, which was rare. But, we did go to concerts together and I was available (alone) whenever she wanted to spend time with me to watch TV or hang out, just the two of us. Now that I'm married, it has become an issue. It's not a huge issue with my kids like it is with SD, but now my daughter has to let me know if she wants to do something alone with me instead because my husband & stepdaughter are here. It's an adjustment and I don't think it's easy for anyone. It takes a lot of patience and communication and it's good that you can talk to her instead of always going through her father.

If you can, sit down and tell her that you understand how she feels and that you are sorry she doesn't see her dad as much as she likes but that you are not trying to take her dad's time from her. You can let her know that you'd be happy to leave them alone to spend time together but that you also would like to spend time with her & her dad so you and her can get to know each other better or if you know each other, let her know you enjoy her company too. But, I would try to put her at ease that you are not threatening her relationship with her dad, which is probably how she feels. You might also suggest to her dad (in private) that he can ask her mom for more time if his daughter is wanting to spend more time with him.

There's nothing wrong with spending time with her alone when he's at work, but if he is leaving her with you too much, he should rearrange the schedule because she really wants to see him and it's probably disappointing to her that he's at work when she's there. If it's a few hours here and there, not a big deal. If it's on a regular basis, it might be a bigger deal.

Giggle makes a great point about distinguishing between the fact that the FEELINGS are acceptable but that learning civil BEHAVIOR is important. This is an important distinction for BOTH child and parent to bear in mind. It's understandable when a child is corrected on blatantly rude or antisocial behavior (i.e the rude texts directly to missavatar); it pains me personally to be aware of the possibility of anyone being punished for simply having certain feelings. (Also agree that the child is probably deeply hurt at not having enough time with her dad and this is how it's manifesting.)

But I also agree with kkny that missavatar overstepped some bounds of privacy reading some things that she was probably not meant to see. (These outward expressions of SD's negative feelings need to be distinguished from the ones specifically addressed to missavatar.) And also about it not being a good idea to set herself up as "gatekeeper" to SD's access to her dad.

A few good signs here, though:

-missavatar welcomed the opportunity to spend time with BF's SD instead of letting him (or insisting that he) cart SD off to her mom's.

-at one point, BF's SD apologized for having upset missavatar (suggesting she wants to connect, but is also beset by some fears and frustrations; in general, this explains the girl's mixed reactions to her)

-missavatar realizes that SD probably needs more alone time with her father and is encouraging of that.

Ok. So she is having very strong emotions about dad dating again obviously. That's understandable. Completely understandable. However, she has no right to be so totally disrespectful to you. I was raised that an adult is an adult and while it is fina and dandy for you to not LIKE an adult you NEVER show blatant disrespect. My dad would of tore my behind up but that's back when you could spank your kid without all hell busting lose.

That being said, If I were you I think I might back off for a little while. Let her go out alone with dad a little more while she's visiting. Give her time to adjust before you expect her to "be friends" with you. Dad needs to have a heart to heart with her as well and explain how HE feels about the way she's acting. Any child wants their parents to be happy just like any (good) parent wants their child to be happy. He needs to make it CLEAR that the two of you are not in competition for his affections....which, you're not I hope. There are some SP's who will try to "take over" every aspect of their partners life and reality is sometimes the kids arn't ready for the invasion. Take it slow. Give it time. Most importantly don't force yourself down her throat.

If worse comes to worse and he ends the relationship, it is probably for the best. If he willingly lets a child dictate all aspects of his life, chances are you would of tired of it eventually anyway. I am a big believer that when you have kids the children come first but that isn't to say the adults aren't intitled to having a life of their own as well. It's a fine balance. You can't have a child telling you what to do at every turn because the fact is.....their children.

I've never used it but it seems Bebo.com is one of those sites like myspace where users can post a public blog and it's NOT a private email. I just wanted to clarify that as a couple of people are suggesting that OP may have invaded the girls' privacy but if she wrote about OP on a public forum, it's not an invasion of privacy if OP read it. In my opinion, it would be wrong of the girl to post public things about OP. It's one thing to post about how you personally feel but another to post bad things about someone else just to be spiteful or mean.

Lines between "public" and "private" can get rather blurry and debatable with today's technology, especially, of course, the internet...

But I think a good rule of thumb in terms of what one should be rightly offended by reading or seeing is that such offense should be inversely proportionate to how far out of your way you had to go to seek it out. Big difference between something being left taped to your bathroom mirror for you to "find" vs. going in and looking up what someone's writing on their myspace page. (People's Myspace pages & the like don't just "pop up" when you turn on a computer ---unless, of course, they are LEFT up and open by the previous user, which may have been what happened, we don't know--- the person's name has to be searched, and if it's a common name, many others have to be seached, narrowed down and filtered through until the correct one is found. Then you have to select to read that person's blog postings or comments. Particularly if it was a comment SENT TO someone else, it would usually be on either that other person's "wall" (more or less public, but still requiring extra searching on reader's part) or it would be in the sender's "sent mail" folder, which is only accessible if you have (or have somehow acquired) the password.

Now: if the SD had been making patently false and seriously reputation-destroying comments about SM (or anyone) on her page, it could potentially be dealt with as a libel issue. Butin this acse it sounds like the SD just telling her aunt she was irritated by something the SM did... and let's face it, unless it was heavy allegations of abuse, who is going to bother to even read (let alone take too seriously) a 13-year-old's venting about relatively minor, average family stepfamily travails?

That said, though, I admit it is human to still FEEL offense at information that we maybe weren't supposed to see that happens to bother us. I think that has happened to all of us at one point or another. I guess the key distinction is, again, FEELING offended vs. the ACTIONS or BEHAVIOR taken based on those feelings. And just trying to bear in mind that the person may have just been having a moment where they wanted to vent and it doesn't represent everything they may feel about you...

I also think the more MissAvatar complains to her BF more about things like what his daughter writes on beebo, the more he will veiw Missavatar and his DD as equals squabbling. Which in fact, he may have already, when his response is to ignore it. In short, if you want to be treated like an adult, act like one. The only reasons I can see for reading someones bebbo or facebook or whatever is concern for their safety (which is very rare and not the case here), or a desire to converse with them. This and the "friend" comment makes me question that Missavatar needs to step back a little.

One more point in addition to what everyone else has said: I think it might help both you and your boyfriend if you both try to step down your own emotional responses to the things she says and does. Kids will say and do things when they're angry or upset that they shouldn't, but the situation gets a lot worse when the adults match or escalate the emotions.

My mother had both daughters and sons, and she always said that thirteen was "the worst year" for girls when it came to attitude and behavior. My own memory of that year is that everything I felt, I felt extremely. When I was angry, I was furious. When I was happy (which was rare), I was elated. When I was depressed, it was as if the sun went out. On the whole, I absolutely hated being thirteen, and nearly all of the women I know say that thirteen was a bad year. I think a lot of it has to do with all those new hormonal fluctuations that tend to get extreme around that time. A girl at that age may not be able to control her emotions as much as she (and everyone else around her) would like.

What I'm trying to say is: when she says or does stuff that's upsetting, try to remind yourselves that she's thirteen and that-- to some extent-- it's the hormones talking. You boyfriend may still need to step in when she's out of line, but as the adults, you guys need to have some perspective and not get emotional about it yourselves.

Oh, and I think she's being pretty clear about what's triggering her the most--she feels that she's not getting enough one-on-one time with her father. Although the way she's acting may not be good, I think it's a reasonable and natural thing for her to want. I know you live there, but can't you and your boyfriend work out a way for the two of them to do things without you around when she comes? You can run errands, go to the library, have "me" time during the days that she's over. Or they can go hiking, to lunch, or do other father-daughter activities. Encourage him to set up some father-daughter only rituals-- some things that are "theirs." The three of you can get back together in the evenings, so that she recognizes that yes, he still cares about her; but yes, you're still around. Just not 100% present all day long.

DD was awful when she was 13. Just awful. She is fine now. It will pass as everything does.

Went through the same thing with my DH daugther. but she was 6 or 7ish at the time. Its understandable. She feels now she is competeing with you and is expressing it like a 13 year old. Dont let it bother you. Always keep open communication with her and your bf. Dotn think too far like having kids now. Keep dating and live together , take it one day at a time. More important. You and your Bf have to be on the same page and stick to your relationship. His daughter does not dictate your time or how you date your bf. You are the adult.You are in control with your BF. Let him speak to his daughter, let him keep at it with her. You keep your cool and at her age, the teen years she is also going through alot of emotions. Give her space and give her time.
If she acts out during vacation let her father deal with it. Dont let it get you down. When she acts like a baby, then leave her with her dad to deal with and you get out and enjoy yourself. You make sure you show her that her behaviour is not nice and that it wont get your down. She wants to behalf nasty then she will have to deal with the consequences.
My SD doesn have text messaging and i wouldn't accept it either between me and her. Just gives her power and i do not let her have any since now adays she is being rude. She's a teen:) Thats how they are. Deosnt matter if they are biokids or stepkids or adopted kids...its the age! But it doesn't mean you have to put up with it. Stand your ground and you keep telling her how you feel. BUT if she gets a rise out of you being hurt then you ignore her tactics and say its a wonderful day and your are soooo happy. :) There will be many games , and many ups and downs..i'm sure she does like you . She just needs to adjust and really understand that she doesn't have to be threatened by you. This is what it is. She feels that now that her dad has someone, he wont be as close with her even though the times of seeing her haven't changed. Over time you will prove yourself with your actions and words. Be friends but if she resists..don't force it. you can only be friends with her...not her mother. So if she doesn't want to be friends with you..its ok. I told my SD...if she doesn't want to be friends that's fine with me. I have alot of friends. But you be respectful towards antoher human being..if not..the door is there. Swing both ways..I dont care who you are related to.

As a SD who went through this with my Dad (several times in fact) I wouldn't say she feels as if she is competing - a lot of people use this word to express feelings in this type of situation and it is not always true.

This is a girl who already sees her father very little and then has just been thrown into the mix with a new girlfriend -- imo, it really isn't competing, it is extremely hurt feelings. When I was a kid I used to wonder why it was so hard for my father to understand that we just wanted to spend time with him. I mean, some of his GF's were really nice and would play with us, but we wanted our DAD!

I'm not going to delve into everything, just offer a quick idea that may work for you.

I try to disappear for at least an hour when A__ (FDH's 9yo son) is here. I might just go into the bedroom with a book for an hour, or I go for coffee with a friend for a couple hours.
One day I had it up to my earlobes with the two of them and I went bra shopping because I knew it would take all darn day.

It allows the guys awhile to bond on their own and allows A__ some one-on-one time with his dad.

off topic. re ceph's bra shopping trips. I finally found a bra that fits perfectly. can you believe it i had to wait until my 40s and spend years looking for one to finally settle with the one that FITS right. :) it does not take the whole day anymore. :)

My X never made a special point of spending time individually with DD. It was always a family time with her brother, SM and X. I mean maybe here or there a little bit, but most of the activities were with the whole family. he is the same way with new partner. they do things all of them together now as well even when DD is grown. it works for them I guess. DD seems to be OK wiht it. since I was single most of my life I did spend a lot of time with just DD and me.

but i agree that if it bothers your SD you do have to give them more time alone.

I think it is unlikely that the thirteen year old views her father's girlfriend as an adult. There are a lot of indications that make it seem as if she is still very, very young. She is only 26, writes like a teenager (or a cross between James Joyce and e.e. cummings), and has a screen name that few adults would come up with.

I am confused as to why he can only see his daughter EOW if he lives close enough to her that he could have dropped her off at home, gone to work, and then returned to her home to pick her up in the evening.

oh TOS what a good point. I did not notice writing style (coz-because lol) and OP's age. 26! and DD is 13. Of course it makes a difference. So it is possible that SD sees this whole situation that there are two girls who compete for dad's attention. Not as there is adult relationship and children/father realtionship. very observant...

I think 26 makes a difference too. And the way she writes, I do suspect her BF sees them as closer to each other than a mother/child relationship. Which to me, means step back and act like an adult.

The new girlfriend is young and with no experience...i agree. But the father should step up and start paying more attention to his daughter. The age is a big deal in this case..only 13 years apart..its like having an older sister and competing.
I was a stepkid too and when my father dated i did feel hurt cause he would go out and dine them and would spend time with me. But he did spend time when he got home...so its a matter of perspective. I think as kids we tended to focus so much on what dad was doing with antoher person rather than when he did spend time with us. Its cause we felt it wasn't special..we didnt go out..we stayed at home together...but it didnt' feel special. Hence the resentment.
But we grow out of it and we begin to understand life as it is.
The father needs to have open communication and he does talk to her but he also needs totell her to stop giving nasty messages to another person. Its rude! and should not be tolerated. If you have nothing nice to say about a person, do not say anything at all! That is what my mother taught me before she passed away. Something that has really hit mycore from young and never let it go.
MissAvatar, you are young but keep open communication with your SD and also suggest to your bf to take her out on alone time. I did that with my stepkids. the weekends they came i would work half days so i would leave them alone with their dad. Give her some space with her dad. I see there are times you do things with her and family all together but your fb , does he ever takehis daughter out for alone timewith her without you?

My Sd went through this with each of her mom's boyfriends, so I know through her how painful it is to a child to have their parent splitting their affections. I am lucky in that for as long as my SD can remember I've been in the picture, and when she was 3 we had no daddy sharing issues.

I think there are two ways to handle this - the way my SD's mom did, and the other way!!

SD's mom would jump both feet into each new relationship and almost try to skip the dating phase - it was right to committed, this-will-be-your-new-daddy phase. With that SD felt that each new person was not only replacing her, they were to replace her dad as well. There were no outings that weren't 'family' outings. No evenings of just hanging out with mom watching TV - the BF had to be there. Additionally, when BM didn't have a BF she would fawn over SD saying that it was just the 2 of them against the world, SD was all she ever needed . . . then enter new BF and SD is priority 2.

the other, more preferable way, would be to phase yourself in. Since you live together this will require you being out of your house sometimes, but that time can be nice for you as well. If the weekends start as primarily dad/daughter with you stopping in and out it shows SD that you can be part of the picture without being the whole picture. Gradually increase the time that you are involved, but make sure you aren't clinging to dad or otherwise acting territorial as that's what a 13 year old will see it as.

If Sd is in any sports or activities, it might b cool if you went on your own to watch and show her that you support her and enjoy her away from dad. Her haps take she and a friend afterward for a pedicure. You don't want to buy affection, but some fun time is always needed. Plus, for a 13 year old her friends are everything. Get on their 'good side' and they will sing praises to SD. Can't hurt! :-)