18 year old daughter loses her mind
Burnedout
11 years ago
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Burnedout
11 years agolast modified: 9 years agoLuAnn_in_PA
11 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
18 year old daughter and stepfather don't get along
Comments (17)I just wanted to say that everyone has an opionion and that is great. Not all stepmoms or dads are bad people and I think sometimes we all get displayed that way. I did leave out somethings with this mixed marriage for there were several dealings with the law on his son and a lot of money was dished out from his father and myself. Held a job for about 2 months then decided hanging out with his friends was more important, so they fired him. Was kicked out of the same school twice went to go live with grandparents. They enrolled him into school where they live and he did graduate from that school, which I think is great. Still not holding a job all the while he is living with his grandparents who are retired and living on a fixed income. Sued his father for childsupport(per his sons mother)and won. Put us in a hole for 3 years while I was working 40 plus hours a week just to make ends meet. Yes my daughter also got herself into some legal trouble but she had a parttime job and I made it quite clear that she would be paying this all herself. It was a costly lesson but she learned from it and I saw a 180 degree change in her. Am I saying she is an angle no, and she is a typicial 18 year old who knows everything. Just like we all were at that age. She is very protective of me for what she saw when I was married to her father, which is no excuse for the anger. We have raised our kids 2 diffrerent ways, one not having any rules and lets his child do what ever he wants. Then you bring in a family who has had rules and you try to inforce those it just is not a good mix. Everyone one of us here live by the rules that are in place which are very simple, if you go somewhere please leave a phone number and their address incase we need to contact them. No my youngest does not have a cell phone my rule is when you get a job you can get a pre-paid phone and take care of it yourself. No phone after 9:00pm and that goes for any cell phones too. Yes there are ecceptions to that rule and the kids know that. They have a crefue 10:00 on school nights and 11:00 on weekends, with my oldest working she does not get home until 10:00 durring the week and that is an exception. If they are at a event up to school then that is also an exception too. Keep your room picked up and bring down your dirty clothes, and to help around the house if asked. Quite simple rules and not that hard to follow....See MoreHusband & 14 year old daughter
Comments (6)Pashan, It sounds to me like your daughter needs an attitude adjustment. You say My daughter is a stereotypical 14 year old - attitude, drama, phone stuck in her ear, spends hours on her hair, thinks her friends are the only important people in the world, mostly concerned with what songs are on her iPod and what movie she can go to next! She fights with her 3 younger siblings (ages 9, 6 and 5) and gets mouthy with her parents. She is bossy and a know-it-all. It sounds to me like you are accepting of this behavior because you view it as normal. I think it's really weird...I'm 24...when I was 14 my parents let me know that I was the child in the relationship and they let me know that everything I had was a privilidge, not a right. We (my brothers and I) were taught, from the start to treat our elders with respect (and everyone else around us for that matter), and to this day that still holds true. I think the problem nowdays (a whole whopping 10 years later) is that a lot of people just accept that their teen/pre-teen is going to be an ignorant lippy little brat...and that's OK because everyone else's kid is too...and at least mine isn't as bad as... When I was in grade 11 there was the Columbine school shooting, and everyone who heard about it was floored, dumbfounded, completely shocked that something like this could happen in America...kids, with guns, killing people. In the past few months in Alberta we have had a 14 year old and her 20 year old boyfriend murder her entire family (mother, father, and 9 y/o brother), a group of mostly young teens beat a man to death, and another group of young teens attack and kill a man on an LRT. These kids are CHILDREN...and they are killing people. Why?? Probably because they have been raised to believe that they have 'RIGHTS' (sorry, but the only right any child has is to be clothed, fed, sheltered and loved...to have their *basic* *needs* met...everything else is a priviledge). They have very few (if any) responsibilities, they have NO resepect for anyone but themselves, and they have never been taught that their actions have consequences. Now, I'm not trying to say, in any way, that your daughter is like these kids, but what I am saying is that it doesn't sound like she's picking up on some of the life lessons she will need to function as an adult, and as a result, your husband, in particular, is having a hard time dealing with her. It sounds like she lacks respect...for everyone. I agree with brass tacks, you need to let your hubby deal with the attitude she directs at him, but I think you should sit down with him, alone, and discuss the need for him to deal with her attitude as it happens, and let him know you will back whatever punishment he gives her. (ie: if he grounds her for a week, help him stick to that decision, and make sure she doesn't come to you for a different answer, and if he tries to lift the gounding early, remind him and her that "No, you're grounded for (three more days) because of (your bad attitude), so you can't (go to the movies tonight with your friends.)") Once you've had a chat with Hubby, to decide what's acceptable behavior & what's not, as well as what suitable punishments are for the specific problems, sit down together with daughter and let her know that both you and Hubby agree that there are some (attitudes) that need to change. Clearly define your expectations of her, and let her know that she will be held accountable for her actions. As brass tacks said - make her responsible for her happyness. It's called 'tough love'. It may not be easy for you, and she may not enjoy it, but you are supposed to be her parent not her 'friend' (that comes later after you've done your part to raise her to be a responsible, kind young woman). Kids need guidence, instruction, limitations, accountability and lots of love. (They don't need ipods, phones, movies, etc.) It sounds to be like you have a gem of a hubby. He has taken your daughter, and made her his own, in every way possible. He has loved her like his own (and still does). Just because he said (and likely meant) "I can't stand her", doesn't mean that he doesn't still love her...I don't think I've met a parent with a teen, who hasn't mentally, at one time or another, been like Homer and and thought "Why you little...!" (choke the little ungrateful ...) not that they ever would harm their kid, and they always love them...but sometimes they just "can't stand" them. It sounds to me like your hubby is being pushed so much that he's losing his patience with her. Their relationship may need a bit of mending, but I think you should deal with daughters attitude first. If you get that under control, their relationship will rebuild naturally, and they'll start doing things together again. It's all a matter of respect. Verena (Who vividly remembers pushing my parents to the edge...they set the limits, and I had to deal with the consequences of my actions, but it has made me a better person, and now we get along great...true friends with respect for each other.)...See More13 year old daughter doesn't like step mother to be.
Comments (12)I wonder if your ex is not putting your daughter up to the things that she is saying. She pretty much just gave me an ultimatum that if I don't end my relationship with "some girl" that her and my relationship is in jeopardy The "some girl" comment sounds very much like the "you look like you're 16" comment that my (30 year old) sisters (6 year old) step daughter made when she (sister) got serious with "dad". It was something that SDs mom had said (trying to imply that she was too young to be with him). There is a lot of poisoning that goes on (whether intentional or not) when people split up. It seems like sometimes, even if mom moves on, she's still not willing to see dad do the same. You need to (gently) find out if the ultimatum (end it or lose me) is coming from your daughter or your ex. When my DH's ex found out that I wasn't going anywhere, she cut off all contact between DH and his two children. He hasn't seen or spoken with them in three and a half years. Is there any chance your daughter believes something like this could happen? Is there any chance that mom is telling her things like, if your dad marries her, he won't have time for you, or he'll have a new family and won't want you anymore...or you're not going to go stay with him if that 'girl' is living with him...etc.? Good Luck!! Just one other thing I'd like to comment on... Dyans World...you say My father didnt want to take care of me and left my mother, my father married someone else and had other kids, my father sucked. BUT my step daddy was the best thing that ever happened to me to this day he will always be my daddy and the bio can jump in a lake. Please know that I am saying this in the most heart felt way, and I mean no disrespect to your mother or 'daddy'... I don't know how old you were when your parents separated...but I know that for the past three and a half years my husbands ex has been telling his children (and anyone else who will listen) that he "didn't want them", that he "abandoned" them, even that he abused them. She has told them so many lies that these children, who used to crawl up on his lap and yell "Daddy! Daddy!" whenever they saw him, are now afraid of him, even though they wouldn't recognize him now if they saw him. (They were 1.5 and 3.5 when they were last together.) Mommy has remarried. She has the children calling her husband "Daddy" and refering to my husband, their bio father, by his first name, or as "Bad Daddy" (told to a therapist by daughter a year ago). I am fairly certain that she also tells them that it is my fault that he doesn't want to be with them, because we have a baby (their little brother, that they have never met). I cannot express to you the pain and sorrow, the depth of mourning that my husband has gone through, and still goes through when he thinks of his two children. They are so close to us, only five minutes away, yet they could as easily be in another country. We do not even know what they look like. I have cried, both with my husband, and for him, for the pain that he faces every day, and because of the knowledge of what his children, whom he loves very much, are being raised to think of him. We have been fighting, through the lawyers, for three and a half years, with no success, because we cannot give up, but in my heart I know that if we don't get to reestablish the relationship in the next five years, they will be lost to us. They are being so thoroughly poisoned against their dad. He has been vilified... that if they reach the age where they can tell the courts whether or not they want to go (around 12 or 13) before they get to know the loving, wonderful man that their father really is, they will never get to know him, and we will lose them forever. I mean no disrespect to your mom. And I'm not trying to downplay the significant role of the Daddy who raised you along side your mother, but sometimes things aren't what they seem. If you haven't heard your bio dad's side, from him, then can I please encourage you to try to contact him? You may find that this stranger, who left so long ago, has loved you and thought of you and mourned the loss of your relationship all this time. If that's true, try not to feel that he gave up on you...the courts are so biased against fathers...I know that it is such an emotionally draining battle...every letter from the lawyer is like a knife in the heart, when they tell you that you cannot see your children, and many people say, "Just let go" "Move on" or tell them that if they keep fighting for access they're just causing more turmoil for their kids "they're better off, if you just leave it alone" "they've adjusted to their new life" "you'll only upset them more". My husbands ex took the children and left, got a new beau, married him, and is trying to make her new "perfect family" with him, and writing out the past...and my husband with it. If you go and find your dad, you will never have the relationship you could have had, if you'd grown up with him in your life...the memories of our childhoods impact our bonds...but you still have the option to build a relationship from this point on. Somewhere out there, there may be a man who loves you and misses you, to this day. Kind thoughts. Verena...See More18 year old stepdaughter has no rules
Comments (15)Thank you all for your input. It amazes me how varied the responses are but of course we are all entitled to our opinion and household rules. The latest update: My husband and I have gone to see a counselor (referee if you will) who has helped guide us in a fair course of action. My husband and I both agreed that we are actually two different families living under the same roof. This is not right and we need to become one. So our first course of action is to write down the house rules and present them to all three of the children. My husband actually agrees that his daughter should be home by 1am or go back to the dorm - he just doesn't want to "deal with" the fallout. She has her own issues with her mother (abaondoment) and he is over compensating. The counselor also pointed out that even though she is 18 (an adult?) she is still totally financially dependent on us (works only one or two shifts a week) and we are entitled to have rules that she is required to stick to. It is unfortunate that we did enforce this two years ago when she moved in permantantly but "better late than never". There still is a 15 and 12 year old at home who need to see us as a unified front and understand that there are rules whether at home or just in life. We are actually driving my 15 year old son crazy with all the "we" and "us" but at least I know he hears it. Before we married we read several books "How to save your second marriage before it begins", but did not actually line out the household rules (I mean write them down). Definitely a big oversite on our part. For the time being we will continue to see the counselor to help us with our "co-parenting" issues. This is really important since we both travel and the children do need to hear and respect the other parent. Of course if they know their bio-parent is on top of the rules then they are more apt to listen to the SP. This weekend my husband and I will get together and write down the rules so we can begin to recover and hopefully become more of a blended family....See MoreBurnedout
11 years agolast modified: 9 years agodreamgarden
11 years agolast modified: 9 years agodaisyinga
11 years agolast modified: 9 years agoazzalea
11 years agolast modified: 9 years ago
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