Does she say WHY she doesn't like her?

Oh, and 13 year old girls don't make "adult" decisions since she's not an adult.

It would be hard to make suggestions, as there are some dynamics at work that we don't know about, such as:

How you and your girlfriend conducted yourselves when your daughter was around, etc., and the conclusions she was able to come to.

Or does your daughter have the idea that she owns you and should be able to control you? If that is the message she has received from you in the past--then she may be feeling betrayed.

If you have confided to her in the past, and looked for her approval--the kind of behavier normal for husband and wives, well, she may simply be playing the role she is used to playing.

For my own self--I wouldn't marry anyone my kids didn't like. That's just me. But I would know that early on--not a big problem.

That would be the day when someone I'm engaged to has the nerve to call an X. That would tell me allot.

You can't let a 13 year old daughter set your life direction. "I can't talk with my daughter because to her there is no choice but hers? " Many teenage girls become incredibly difficult until they are about 30. Okay, it's not quite that bad, but they definitely go through a rebellious stage (boys too). You don't want to lose her, but on the other hand, she does not live with you and she should not be the one to make your decision as to who to choose for a life partner, especially at her age. Of course, your ex is of no help, but that is probably another reason you are not together anymore.

Perhaps you can find a way to spend more time with her (and less with your fiance) when she does visit. It sounds like you need to do a little balancing act.

Congratulations on the wedding. I hope its beautiful. I want you to keep one thing in mind. If you told your daughter not to get married because you didnt like who ever she picked, what would she say? She would probably marry him anyway. Dont let kids ruin somthing that could be great for you, a chance of happiness a chance to not be lonely, See I have noticed that its ok for my step daughters mom to be a drunk, and to not take care of her but it not ok for her dad to be with me. The girl now lives with us, and its no picnic, you should be asking your future wife is she is up to the challenge of taking care of a misguided, mother propmted, defying, bossy, brat, sorry I am probably out of line but im fed up with the antics of the poor poor step kids. Sure it sucks not having your parents married, but they still have both of them. My father didnt want to take care of me and left my mother, my father married someone else and had other kids, my father sucked. BUT my step daddy was the best thing that ever happened to me to this day he will always be my daddy and the bio can jump in a lake. Your daughter is probably feeling rejected, and she has probably heard one too many times when things were on shaky ground with the mother that it was your fault, and she is probably hearing how your future wife will take you away from her. MY ADVICE, if your bride is willing to deal with it, then love her and get married.

My ex totally messed up his relationship with my oldest daughter, aged 32. He repeatedly hurt her physically and verbally over the years, made false promises, etc. etc. When it came for her recent wedding, she put her stepdad's name on the announcements and wedding cards. She didn't send her dad an invitation because she didn't want him there. He found out about the wedding and called her and she was blunt with him. He verbally berated and abused her and she hung up on him and felt good about it.

I wonder if your ex is not putting your daughter up to the things that she is saying. She pretty much just gave me an ultimatum that if I don't end my relationship with "some girl" that her and my relationship is in jeopardy The "some girl" comment sounds very much like the "you look like you're 16" comment that my (30 year old) sisters (6 year old) step daughter made when she (sister) got serious with "dad". It was something that SDs mom had said (trying to imply that she was too young to be with him).
There is a lot of poisoning that goes on (whether intentional or not) when people split up. It seems like sometimes, even if mom moves on, she's still not willing to see dad do the same.
You need to (gently) find out if the ultimatum (end it or lose me) is coming from your daughter or your ex.
When my DH's ex found out that I wasn't going anywhere, she cut off all contact between DH and his two children. He hasn't seen or spoken with them in three and a half years. Is there any chance your daughter believes something like this could happen? Is there any chance that mom is telling her things like, if your dad marries her, he won't have time for you, or he'll have a new family and won't want you anymore...or you're not going to go stay with him if that 'girl' is living with him...etc.?

Good Luck!!

Just one other thing I'd like to comment on...
Dyans World...you say My father didnt want to take care of me and left my mother, my father married someone else and had other kids, my father sucked. BUT my step daddy was the best thing that ever happened to me to this day he will always be my daddy and the bio can jump in a lake.

Please know that I am saying this in the most heart felt way, and I mean no disrespect to your mother or 'daddy'... I don't know how old you were when your parents separated...but I know that for the past three and a half years my husbands ex has been telling his children (and anyone else who will listen) that he "didn't want them", that he "abandoned" them, even that he abused them. She has told them so many lies that these children, who used to crawl up on his lap and yell "Daddy! Daddy!" whenever they saw him, are now afraid of him, even though they wouldn't recognize him now if they saw him. (They were 1.5 and 3.5 when they were last together.) Mommy has remarried. She has the children calling her husband "Daddy" and refering to my husband, their bio father, by his first name, or as "Bad Daddy" (told to a therapist by daughter a year ago). I am fairly certain that she also tells them that it is my fault that he doesn't want to be with them, because we have a baby (their little brother, that they have never met).

I cannot express to you the pain and sorrow, the depth of mourning that my husband has gone through, and still goes through when he thinks of his two children. They are so close to us, only five minutes away, yet they could as easily be in another country. We do not even know what they look like. I have cried, both with my husband, and for him, for the pain that he faces every day, and because of the knowledge of what his children, whom he loves very much, are being raised to think of him. We have been fighting, through the lawyers, for three and a half years, with no success, because we cannot give up, but in my heart I know that if we don't get to reestablish the relationship in the next five years, they will be lost to us. They are being so thoroughly poisoned against their dad. He has been vilified... that if they reach the age where they can tell the courts whether or not they want to go (around 12 or 13) before they get to know the loving, wonderful man that their father really is, they will never get to know him, and we will lose them forever.

I mean no disrespect to your mom. And I'm not trying to downplay the significant role of the Daddy who raised you along side your mother, but sometimes things aren't what they seem. If you haven't heard your bio dad's side, from him, then can I please encourage you to try to contact him? You may find that this stranger, who left so long ago, has loved you and thought of you and mourned the loss of your relationship all this time.
If that's true, try not to feel that he gave up on you...the courts are so biased against fathers...I know that it is such an emotionally draining battle...every letter from the lawyer is like a knife in the heart, when they tell you that you cannot see your children, and many people say, "Just let go" "Move on" or tell them that if they keep fighting for access they're just causing more turmoil for their kids "they're better off, if you just leave it alone" "they've adjusted to their new life" "you'll only upset them more". My husbands ex took the children and left, got a new beau, married him, and is trying to make her new "perfect family" with him, and writing out the past...and my husband with it.

If you go and find your dad, you will never have the relationship you could have had, if you'd grown up with him in your life...the memories of our childhoods impact our bonds...but you still have the option to build a relationship from this point on. Somewhere out there, there may be a man who loves you and misses you, to this day.

Kind thoughts.
Verena

bdvir,
If you are listening at all--let's presume that your daughter is serious about what she told you. Understanding yourself better is something that comes out of counseling. I suggest that you are not finished with counseling.

:) You know my husband was put to that test and he put his daughter straight right away. I'm sure your ex is poisoning her as well and that doesn't help the situ. BUT You need to sit down with your daughter and have a Very LONG talk and tell her that you marrying is not a betrayal of your relationship with her and that marrying this woman is a different love all together from the love you have for your daughter. Compair the situation with her mom. Her mom married and she doesn't object to the stepdad????? Tell her she is being unreasonable and you have the right to marry someone just like her mom has. As well, there are no ultimatums. If she wants to be this way. Tell her she is the one who is pushing you away and has made the decision. You still want her. She wants tomake adult decision. Well there are also consequences to those decisions. And tell her you will not force her to like your fiance. BUt all human beings demand respect and if she doesn't respect you as a father and your fiancee as another human being to begin with then she has alot of thinking to do on her end.
My husbands son is starting to act up in such a way as well for the past month. He refused to come over with us. (my husband disciplines him alot and he acted up with me for the first time saying "No" and my hubby told him off.) since that incident he doesn't want to come around. But you see as parents WE ARE THE BOSSES. NOT THE KIDS. At that point we didn't force him. My Hubby said ok, stay at home with your mother, i'm taking your sister. its your loss. your decision , not mine. And even though he is 8 years old and my hubbies ex was not helping the situ , they are old enough to know what is right and wrong. And let them feel a little sting once and a while. Trust me, they learn fast.
The only thing is, is why does your daughter not like your fiancee. Does you fiancee act odd around her. I know there is jealousy with girls and dad. I've been through it and my husband stood his ground on the most littliest things. like holding hands or sitting next to each other in theatre or the couch. His daugher would try to stand between us physically!!! and he didn't budge! he put me on one side and her on the other. She didn't like it one bit. I would say nothing and he put her in her place every time she came over ont he weeekends. He explained to her over and over. That the relationship and love he had for me is different from the one they have. And that he didn't have someone for a long time after the divorce. Its his time to have someone and that doesn't mean she is pushed out of the pic.
Sorry this is long. As well, i let her approach me when it was time to have a 'talk' with her. She came up and told me that her mommy said that i'm not her mommy and that her mom will speak to her about things like sex, drugs etc.etc...I turned around and told her :" I will only say this once, and listen very closely. I am not your mother and never will be your mother. your mother lives in ******** and i'm not here to replace your mother. When my mother died, i had two step mothers (one relationship after the other ) and they did not replace my mother. All i can be to you is a friend. If you want to be my friend. Thats great ! If you dont'. Then you dont'. I dont force anyone to be my friend. But that doesn't mean i will stop seeing your dad. And it wont mean i will break up your relationship either with you and your dad. Your dad loves you and always will. I cannot take that away. No one can. But if you dont want to be my friend . That's ok. I can do other things when you come over and i wont bother you at all."
After that, we were good. We built a relationship slowly. I never imposed on his kids. That is not my style cause i what i've been through as a child. So no..dont force your daughter for anything. But she is not the boss. You tell her. There are no ultimatims here. I'm your father and i deserve respect period. If you want to make an adult decision such as that then you must also get the consequences. If you dont want to come, then dont come. I'll call and we can meet up elsewhere when my schedual is open. I know its harsh. But why make everyone miserable cause she wants it that way. She is 13 years old. Is in the learnign process...this will be another learning experience. And if you thing your ex is scott free....lol..she has another thing coming. ALL teenage girls scrap it out with their mothers. ALL!

bdvir,
There are some unresolved issues going on here. Resolve those issues and then go forward.

My name is Stacie, I'm with the Dr. Keith Ablow Show, a new daytime television show debuting in September. Dr. Ablow is a renowned psychiatrist who's goal is to advise, educate and inform, not to judge or sensationalize. The opposite of Dr.Phil's approach in every way. He's younger, approachable and genuinely interested in helping people strategize and take away tools for a healthier life. You may have seen Dr. Ablow on TV, he's a frequent guest on Oprah, Good Morning America, CNN, etc. as an expert. He was also a
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visit www.keithablow.com
I am looking to speak with stepmoms and stepdads about what their lives are like. Blending families can be difficult and in doing my research, I've come across many different issues. I was hoping that you would be willing to share your personal stories with me. You are, of course, under no obligation to come to our show. My toll free number is 1-888-372-2569 ext 4347 or email me at tvtalk06@yahoo.com
I'm hoping to hear from you soon.

Its called control and your daughter is trying to control your life.If you have visitation rights and or shared custody then legally your daughter has to come to your house as ordered by the court! I suggest you and your daughteralso try councilling together.

Dear verenap
Tue, Jul 11, 06 at 12:30

Just so you know, My mother never bad mouthed my bio, she let me form my own opinion of him, he just wasnt around, he lived in california, I lived in IL, I live in my grand parents house till I was 8 years old. I never remember him sending a gift or a birthday card or anything. I found out he married some one else after i was grown. I searched for him, I wanted to know what was up with him. One day out of the blue... I was 23 y/o and living back at my grandpa's house. there he was standing in the kitchen talking to my grandpa.. they were mumbling something about water under the bridge crap.. he is a truck driver, he showed me pictures of his sons and then asked me to meet him for a drink, I went and he gushed how I was his daughter and stuff. I felt like i was with a stranger. he asked me to meet him again but I told him to drive out by me and see me.. and he complained about the cost of a taxi... I told him if I wasnt worth one taxi ride.. that I wasnt worth being his daughter, I havent heard from him since. a few years ago, his sister showed up at the door and wanted to be family.. never did they want to be family while I was growing up.. and I still to this day dont understand why show up after we were grown.. makes me think that they felt it was safe because we were grown and couldnt ask for money.. But who knows I never asked, I called the bio's brother and called him uncle he blew up at me.. saying he wasnt my uncle.. so I hung up on him. sometimes things work out for the best.