My oldest didn't want to hear curfew either ... but she worked full-time and went to school full-time she knew her own limits but nights I was kept up or awoken by her coming home late ... I would get up early the next day and start my "cleaning" vacuuming the hall in front of her door "oops did I hit your door" call the house and hang up (a cell phone & *67 are wonderful things) what teen doesn't jump when the phone rings. She probably can't go to the dorm it most likely has a curfew. You won't get her to come home any earlier but you will get her to be more quiet when she comes home. My daughter isn't the most pleasant person in the morning but neither am I at 2am. Interupt my sleep I interupt yours.

Very few colleges have curfews - most didn't have curfews even back when I was there, and that was over 30 years ago. An 18 year old is an adult - old enough to get a job working the graveyard shift, old enough to get killed in Iraq, and certainly old enough to decide how late to stay out.

Certainly they are, IF they're paying their own way. If a child is still living in a parent's home rent-free then I would most definitely say that said parent has every right to impose rules on the child.

If someone wants to be treated as an adult, they first have to act like one. Pay rent or get your own place. Until such time, it is the parent's home and what they say goes.

vivian31, I could not agree more. If they are on their own and I mean in everyway then they can do whatever they please. However, if they continue to live in the same house as parents or continue to request financial assistance then parents have the full rights to set any rules they please. If they are not on their own in everyway then I do not consider them as a full adult and they need to get there in order to not have parent rules.

So the rules are just in place to encourage them to move out? What is the point of having a curfew for an 18 year old? It is reasonable to expect them to participate in household chores, just as a roommate would, and it is reasonable to expect them to get decent grades if you are paying for it. The purpose of a curfew for young teens is to keep them safe, and by the time they are 18, and, in states with graduated driving laws, to make sure they are not driving illegally. Neither of those apply to an 18 year old out at 1:45 a.m. If she is making a lot of noise when she comes in, it is reasonable to ask her to try to be a bit quieter. I don't always wake up when my 20 year old comes in, and if I do, I go right back to sleep. I don't know what the big deal is - and in any case, it is a matter that should be between the girl and her father.

Yes, it would disturb me and my sleep. If it's my house, yes, that's unacceptable. Frankly, I dunno about most people, but I WANT my kids to move out. I want them to be independent, mature, responsible. I want them to have their own lives. I want them to work and suffer a little. Yes. I don't want them to remain children. I want them to grow into productive, intelligent, loving adults with character.

So, yes, I am allowed to make the rules--and they are required to abide by them or move on. I'm not going to raise perpetual children.

I sure don't want them to move out permanently when they are freshmen in college! My kids know they are welcome to live at home after college - two of them did for a year, and they are among the most responsible and independent people I know.

Wouldn't bother me a bit if my kids decided to move out after high school. I would not FORCE them out, but if it was their decision, well so be it. You do what you can do and after high school, they make the calls. And living at home is not without its responsibilities--one of them most definitely would be maintaining a reasonable schedule.

The good thing is that we live in an area with reasonable rents and that is relatively safe, so should they decide to go out on their own, they could afford a decent place to live. Still, I keep encouraging ours to get out of this town--go somewhere else and live--at least for awhile. I think that they need to experience more of the world that this place....

I don't think this is really about interrupted sleep - most of us old folks are just as sound asleep at 1:00 as we are at 2:30. I think it is about control, control that the actual parent, her father, does not think is appropriate. There is no logical reason that an 18 year old would be any less safe out at 2:30 than she would at 1:00. Safety or getting to bed early clearly are not issues, because the original poster would have the student drive an additional half hour to go to her dorm, theoretically arriving as late as 3:00.

Not me. It is about interrupted sleep for me. I start work at 3:00 a.m....LOL

...and around here, an 18 year old WOULD be less safe at 2:30. The bars close at 2. At least I think they do. That's what I remember, anyways....LOL

So even if it is about control, it's still his house. He can make any rule he wishes regarding access. Now whether someone else wishes to abide by those rules is entirely up to them. There is a door if they choose not to.

Residency at my home comes with certain conditions when it comes to adult-aged children. Job or school, rent if he/she is working, no drugs, no overnight guests of the opposite sex, reasonable hours during the week (more lenient on the weekends), and cleaning up after oneself. I'm sure that there are more, but you get the idea. I'm not asking for the moon--just common courtesy.

Pick your battles --

If the girl's father won't support a curfew -- and it sounds like he won't -- then it's a losing battle for you, OP. So don't fight it. You'll get angry and frustrated, stay angry and frustrated as long as the battle continues, lose in the end, and only end up looking like the bad guy.

That said, it is certainly reasonable to ask her to be very quiet when she comes in at night -- that's only common courtesy. Explain how you're easily awakened, and that being sleep-deprived makes you grumpy the next day. Back it up with a "natural consequences" mood if she does awaken you, and with gracious thanks when she doesn't.

I agree with the majority of you. If her father doesn't back it up its a losing battle and you do look like the bad guy. However, I can related to someone needing their sleep. I always felt like I deserved the courtesy of someone respecting my need for sleep. I am the one that needs to get up to go to work to pay the house payment for the place we are all living in. If the adult stepchild wants to let me sleep in and they go to work and they pay the house payment then I will not mind if they come in late. Your DH needs to respect you and back you up on this. Or maybe you should stop helping pay the bills around there. Just a thought.

I agree with everyone. THe husband must respect his wife and the stepdaughter as well. If she is purposely noisey upon coming in just to piss the stepmom off then her father has to have a lecture on respect.
I think since she is over 18, she is responsible for herself and this is between her and her father. But if you are putting in money and the stepchild is having a free load...no way buddy boy!!! stop doing her laundry and if she keeps waking you up and your husband doesn't respect this, wake her up at 6am with vaccum, loud music and tons of house work. Respect works both ways.
But seriously, get some earplugs and dont let this bother you. If she wants to stay up , get drunk and be irresponsible its her undoing not yours. Set the rules for your kids not to be like her. If one day the cops come home she can live at the dorm and come for visits only in the daytime ...and only in the daytime. Thats what happen with my husbands sisters kid. The moment she entered highschool attitude formed. The day the cops came for a house party she was at, she was told to stay at the dorm permanantly and to visit before 10pm.
I have the attitude that if i am paying, i set rules in the house and i expect them to be followed. My stepdaughter can come home late if she wants provided she doesnt' cause a ruckus coming home late and that she is honest and tell me she intends to stay out till 3am.
Hey we were young and wanted to party all night too...God, i miss having all that energy!!!
I suspect that this has more to do with controlling your environment than staying out late. You can never control anyone. Dont try, it will give you headaches.:)

Thank you all for your input. It amazes me how varied the responses are but of course we are all entitled to our opinion and household rules. The latest update: My husband and I have gone to see a counselor (referee if you will) who has helped guide us in a fair course of action. My husband and I both agreed that we are actually two different families living under the same roof. This is not right and we need to become one. So our first course of action is to write down the house rules and present them to all three of the children. My husband actually agrees that his daughter should be home by 1am or go back to the dorm - he just doesn't want to "deal with" the fallout. She has her own issues with her mother (abaondoment) and he is over compensating. The counselor also pointed out that even though she is 18 (an adult?) she is still totally financially dependent on us (works only one or two shifts a week) and we are entitled to have rules that she is required to stick to. It is unfortunate that we did enforce this two years ago when she moved in permantantly but "better late than never". There still is a 15 and 12 year old at home who need to see us as a unified front and understand that there are rules whether at home or just in life. We are actually driving my 15 year old son crazy with all the "we" and "us" but at least I know he hears it. Before we married we read several books "How to save your second marriage before it begins", but did not actually line out the household rules (I mean write them down). Definitely a big oversite on our part. For the time being we will continue to see the counselor to help us with our "co-parenting" issues. This is really important since we both travel and the children do need to hear and respect the other parent. Of course if they know their bio-parent is on top of the rules then they are more apt to listen to the SP. This weekend my husband and I will get together and write down the rules so we can begin to recover and hopefully become more of a blended family.

Hi hockey- sounds like you're working things out. That's great. I wish you the best of luck. One thing I would like to add is that SD is in a transitional time and I am glad she is not completely out of control. With abandonment issues, she is still in school getting an education. She may come home late and take advantage of her dad, but she IS coming HOME and not out all night. I know it is difficult for you, but as an outsider I can see some very positive things. Silver lining?