Wow. You are in for a long road.

Are you sure he is worth it?

It seems like this is a loyalty issue.

She is loyal to mom. It's probably nothing personal.
But she isn't going to listen to you about anything.

Are you willing to take this on?

As southernsummer said: is your fiance worth it?! It won't get any better and could get worse (she could get all the other kids to join her crusade against you!

Your fiance needs to nip this in the bud NOW! To show that she isn't the boss in your house and that she needs to show you respect. If he doesn't/can't/won't take on that challenge......then I would find another guy to marry because --take it from lots of us on this board -- it will NOT get better if left alone and you will be one lonely miserable stepmom!!!

Good luck....

She doesn't think you're there to replace her mother:
she thinks you're there to replace *her*.

She's the oldest daughter, & for the past 5 years, she's been the lady of the house.

Of course she wants you out of there.

& the interatctions between her & her dad have going on for a long time, long before you came into the picture, so the massive changes in behavior & attitude need to come not only from her but from her father as well.

In order for you to live with this family, this daughter has to turn back into a daughter & not the lady of the house, & I don't know that that's going to happen (although it certainly isn't possible as long as her dad keeps interacting with her the way he has been).

I do know that you are in a fragile position:
don't defend yourself & become the woman that dad sleeps with in this girl's household, equal in status to a younger child, subject to the "No Trespassing" signs & subject to her & the other children routinely ignoring anything you say.

defend yourself & stir resentment & rage, not only in the daughter, but in all the children (remember, for one week out of every two, this girl is the equivalent of their mother.)

It sounds like a heartbreaking situation,
I wish all of you the best.

aci777~

Well, you do have some work ahead of you....but I don't think it's all "doom & glooom". I hope that some other stepmom's will chime in with more success stories here for you. In the meantime....

- Has your fiance made sure to spend some quality time his children? Say, a "date night" once or twice a week with just one of the kids...nothing fancy...just ice cream or a bike ride or McDonalds. Maybe a coffee shop. That would give each child an opportunity for some one-on-one time with dad every couple of weeks.

- Has he discussed 13yo's behavior with her? Asked her why she has such strong feelings about you?

- Have YOU discussed these things with her? She's old enough to have a heart to heart with.

- What is your relationship with their mom? If they see you as working WITH her, they may have an easier time with you. Make that a priority...to establish a good working relationship with their mom.

There are a few resources/websites on successful co-parenting. You might want to visit www.bonusfamilies.com for some really good articles and a message board, although their board isn't super active...but you WILL get some GREAT feedback. Also, www.steptogether.com has a very active message board where you will get some helpful feedback and definitely some BTDT advice.

Just keep in mind...13 is a TOUGH age when the kid lives in a PERFECT world. So throwing a new stepmom into the mix will rock the boat...for a while. Just continue to keep the best interest of the child at the forefront of your actions, and you'll work it out, I'm sure. When you are thinking of "doing something" or "saying something" or responding to her, think to yourself first "Would I have found this helpful when I was 13?" That will help guide you some.

Best of luck to you...

Maybe she needs to see you as a real person, not just something that is occupying her father's attention.

When my husband and I married I moved into their home, my husband's and the children's. It was the house that him and his ex-wife lived in and it was the only home that the children have ever known (not pleasant for me (ugggh!!) but at least the kids didn't have another change to cope with in addition to our marriage, which was already a significant change). My oldest stepdaugther had assumed the role of being the "woman" of the house and I could tell that in some instances she felt that I was stepping on her toes. I didn't want to give her too much power given that she was 12 years old at the time but I wanted her to know that her opinion mattered and that I was listening. When we decided to decorate the home the girls and I went shopping together and I showed them what I was looking for. It may not have been exactly how she wanted to decorate but both girls helped pick out decor and we were all happy with the outcome. I have used this as a guide with everything, from decorating to rule making to discipline. I always ask their advice, their opinion. They are free to express how they are feeling on all topics and often change my mind (which happens often!!!), however, my husband and I make the final decision. And even when its not in their favor they know that I fully understood and respect their point of view and they do the same for me. I personally feel that I have exceptional stepchildren (okay, so I'm a bit biased!!) but I think that all children would like to know that they are important and that their thoughts and wishes are taken into consideration. Have you gone shopping with your stepdaughter? Most girls LOVE shopping and that would be a huge icebreaker. Do things with her that interest her, get to really know her, her likes and dislikes, her fears, etc. My stepdaugthers sometimes do things that I don't like or they may hurt my feelings unintentionally but I've gotten to the point where I can go and plop on their bed and say "hey, I'm feeling...".

Wow, does your situation ring a bell with my experience as a step parent for the last 18 years to a step daughter i met when she was 9 years old.

The best advice i can give you is don't do what I did. Don't ignore her attitude and her rudeness towards her. Don't be sacred to tell her the way she is acting is wrong. In other words, treat her the same way you would treat her if she was your bio child.

That is the mistake many step mom's make. In order to avoid arguments with the dear husbanch, fiancé, boyfriend and these step daughters, we bend over back ward doing what they want. In the mean time, we get hurt by these children!!!!

I've had to endure my stepdaughters ignorance , rudeness, etc. etc. towards me many, many, many years and everytime i talked about it with her father, in the long run it was useless. He would never, never say anything to her that would make her feel like she was doing something wrong.

Today, after 18 years, she is starting to come around and starting to be more considerate and polite towards me. I don't want a single piece of it. She hurt me way too long. I am not disrespectful towards her but i want nothing to do with her. She is 27 yrs old today, divorced, stuck with two young kids, no job, living at her mom's. Perhaps if her father had told once in a while that she was not ''entitled'' to get whatever she wanted in life and perhaps if she had learn't that you have to work in life to get what you want, she wouldn't be stuck in the situation she is today. Oh well.! My other step daughter and I have always gotten along. She is now going into second year university. Yes. I told her all her life she had to go to pursue her studies.

Thanks for reading me.

Keep posting and good luck.

sylvia....your post is one of the reasons I love this board. I had never thought about my presence in my older SD's life in that way. She really had been the "woman" of the house and the mother to her sister until I came in. Then, she was expected to go back to just being a kid. Now, I can understand why she had such an adjustment problem. Thank you so much for that insight!

Well, you do have to have your fiance step in, early, to get this behavior to stop. Anything short of his attempts to do so will mean a long and winding road for you after marriage. I wish I'd seen my DH's failure to put my skids in their places early on by saying, "You aren't to talk to ANYONE like that so please don't think it's OK to act that way to my wife!" We had years of difficulties, but things gradually improved. I'm here because we had a tough time when he allowed his adult DD to move in w/ us, lied to me about the time table, etc. We have three young boys that need schedules esp. during school, so it was tough. But, w/ some counseling, we've gotten as close to being on the same page as ever and things are getting better.

That being said, your SD to be's behavior isn't THAT uncommon for her age and given the circumstances. But, I made the mistake of being a doormat early on so the kids didn't respect me or treat me well for years. (I had been pinned as a homewrecker, but the truth later came out - that their mom had strayed from her marital vows, etc.) Anyway, I do harbor some ill feelings from back then (10yr. married) but I really can hardly complain about the way the girls treat me: 24, 22. There's a 26y.o. SS, too, that's out of the picture and a long story.)

So, I built up resentment towards my DH for his failure to ever rock the boat w/ his kids. Had I seen him trying to set things straight, it would have made a world of difference. As I said, we're in counseling, so it's getting better and is a step we should have taken long ago. I'd recommend it for you, too. You'll gain coping mechanisms and learn some dialogue that will get your point across w/o being offensive. Your fiance needs to go w/ you to also gain perspective or he'll never have a healthy marriage w/ you or anyone.

Sylvia is largely right and it was also the issue w/ my SD who moved in, knew no boundaries, wanted to be the 'wife' etc. There's something about first born females - they are dominant!

Work out the major issues before you take vows. Good luck.

Dana