The Polite House
The Polite House: On Dogs at House Parties and Working With Relatives
Emily Post’s great-great-granddaughter gives advice on having dogs at parties and handling a family member’s offer to help with projects
I suggest that you always warn new guests that you have a dog (or other pets). That way, if they have fears or allergies, they are aware of the situation ahead of time.
I also suggest that if you have fears or allergies, it’s OK to make them known. “Sarah, I would love to come on Friday! I have a true phobia of dogs, so I have to ask: Do you and Kevin have a dog?” The conversation can then evolve into what the host and guest feel comfortable with in regard to the dog and visit.
I also suggest that if you have fears or allergies, it’s OK to make them known. “Sarah, I would love to come on Friday! I have a true phobia of dogs, so I have to ask: Do you and Kevin have a dog?” The conversation can then evolve into what the host and guest feel comfortable with in regard to the dog and visit.
If you haven’t talked with your host about your fear or allergy and show up to the party to find Fido free-roaming, it’s OK to speak up to your host.
Just remember that how you say something is just as important as what you say. A calm tone (as calm as you can muster if your fears are kicking in) and offering a suggestion rather than a demand will be better received.
“Beth, thank you so much for having us. I’m terribly sorry, but I didn’t realize that you have a dog. I have a very real fear of them. Would it be possible to keep him separate from the party?”
Most hosts will be accommodating. Also, you can choose to suggest that you leave the party. Not that I think it’s the best solution, but stating that your allergy or phobia is severe enough for you to have to excuse yourself is certainly an option. “Beth, I’m so sorry — I forgot to tell you that I have a very severe dog allergy, and I’m afraid I won’t be able to stay for the party. I would love to get together another time.”
Either way, you should feel confident in your communication, and if you aren’t able to stay for the party, suggest another time or place to get together.
Just remember that how you say something is just as important as what you say. A calm tone (as calm as you can muster if your fears are kicking in) and offering a suggestion rather than a demand will be better received.
“Beth, thank you so much for having us. I’m terribly sorry, but I didn’t realize that you have a dog. I have a very real fear of them. Would it be possible to keep him separate from the party?”
Most hosts will be accommodating. Also, you can choose to suggest that you leave the party. Not that I think it’s the best solution, but stating that your allergy or phobia is severe enough for you to have to excuse yourself is certainly an option. “Beth, I’m so sorry — I forgot to tell you that I have a very severe dog allergy, and I’m afraid I won’t be able to stay for the party. I would love to get together another time.”
Either way, you should feel confident in your communication, and if you aren’t able to stay for the party, suggest another time or place to get together.
2. How do you handle a family member who has offered to help do some work during a remodel?
This truly depends on what is being offered. Hiring a family member to do the whole remodel is different from a family member offering to help the crew you’ve already hired, or to help with after-tasks, such as painting, if you aren’t hiring pros.
If you’re thinking of hiring a family member to do a full remodel job, it’s best to take a professional approach, and really hammer out the details and expectations of the job and the price.
“Ryan, we’d love to have you do the work, but just to keep our expectations in line with yours, let’s put the details down on paper so that we both know what to expect.” As with any project, discuss the budget, timeline, priorities and what decisions require your input. It’s best to verify that your family member has the right qualifications plus the relevant certifications and current licenses to tackle the project. It’s for your protection, and theirs.
You will also want to discuss expectations around behavior. If your cousin is used to coming over and helping himself to anything in the fridge and chitchatting or watching the game, you’ll want to make sure it’s clear if there are set hours for work and if your fridge is off-limits. Or maybe because he’s family, you’re OK with this behavior. Either way, think and communicate about it.
This truly depends on what is being offered. Hiring a family member to do the whole remodel is different from a family member offering to help the crew you’ve already hired, or to help with after-tasks, such as painting, if you aren’t hiring pros.
If you’re thinking of hiring a family member to do a full remodel job, it’s best to take a professional approach, and really hammer out the details and expectations of the job and the price.
“Ryan, we’d love to have you do the work, but just to keep our expectations in line with yours, let’s put the details down on paper so that we both know what to expect.” As with any project, discuss the budget, timeline, priorities and what decisions require your input. It’s best to verify that your family member has the right qualifications plus the relevant certifications and current licenses to tackle the project. It’s for your protection, and theirs.
You will also want to discuss expectations around behavior. If your cousin is used to coming over and helping himself to anything in the fridge and chitchatting or watching the game, you’ll want to make sure it’s clear if there are set hours for work and if your fridge is off-limits. Or maybe because he’s family, you’re OK with this behavior. Either way, think and communicate about it.
Another thing to note is that while “family discounts” may be nice, it should be clear what they mean. Is the job being discounted a certain percentage out of generosity or in exchange for final tasks not being completed (painting, final caulking, replacing face plates, cleanup)? Will other jobs your relative has committed to take precedence because they are full-paying jobs? Be sure that this is clearly stated, and that everyone agrees and knows what’s expected.
If a family member is offering to help with certain aspects of a remodel, make sure your contractor is OK with this. Depending on what your family member is thinking of contributing, it could really affect what the contractor and his team are doing.
Then, think about what you really need and if your well-meaning family member can truly commit to providing it. While it’s nice to hear that someone is willing to paint a room for you or refurbish your hardwood floors, if that person is waiting for a rainy day or going to skimp on materials, you may be better off hiring a pro.
If you have to explain this to a family member, simply say, “Thank you so much for offering, but we’re already looking into (or have already hired) XYZ Company to handle it.” If the relative presses on, just say: “It’s so generous of you to offer, but we’d like to stick to our plan.” Be sure to continue your relationship with the person as normal. Go grab a coffee or have a good conversation at the next family gathering.
On a final note, be sure you are comfortable with the legal side of anything that might arise while your family member works in your home. Accidents can happen, and as a homeowner, it’s important to understand what you are liable for when someone is working in your house.
Your turn: How have you handled dogs during a house party or working with a relative? Do you have another home etiquette question? Share your comments and questions below!
More: On ‘No Shoes’ Rules and Breaking Up With Contractors
If a family member is offering to help with certain aspects of a remodel, make sure your contractor is OK with this. Depending on what your family member is thinking of contributing, it could really affect what the contractor and his team are doing.
Then, think about what you really need and if your well-meaning family member can truly commit to providing it. While it’s nice to hear that someone is willing to paint a room for you or refurbish your hardwood floors, if that person is waiting for a rainy day or going to skimp on materials, you may be better off hiring a pro.
If you have to explain this to a family member, simply say, “Thank you so much for offering, but we’re already looking into (or have already hired) XYZ Company to handle it.” If the relative presses on, just say: “It’s so generous of you to offer, but we’d like to stick to our plan.” Be sure to continue your relationship with the person as normal. Go grab a coffee or have a good conversation at the next family gathering.
On a final note, be sure you are comfortable with the legal side of anything that might arise while your family member works in your home. Accidents can happen, and as a homeowner, it’s important to understand what you are liable for when someone is working in your house.
Your turn: How have you handled dogs during a house party or working with a relative? Do you have another home etiquette question? Share your comments and questions below!
More: On ‘No Shoes’ Rules and Breaking Up With Contractors
A dog may be man’s best friend, but, let’s be honest, not all humans like dogs and not all dogs like all humans. For most party hosts, this isn’t a big issue: They know their dog and will put it in a crate, the yard (weather permitting) or an area of the house where the pet will be comfortable.
Or they will let the dog wander about, knowing that it is calm and not a food thief or constantly underfoot. Most hosts also know the guests who are coming over, and most guests will know that the host has a dog. They may have already met the dog and are expecting it to be present.
Problems arise when the dog has characteristics or tendencies that distract guests or make them uncomfortable, or when a guest has fears or allergies.