Hi! Just wanna share my personal input about this. When I was engaged with my husband now, who is divorced with a 3yr old son that time,I admired his son a lot, that he is fun to be with, and etc. I know when we will be married, there will be possibilities of having some problems with his previous marriage, but all these things I ignored because I was thinking that all will be fine.

Now that we are married, his son is 5yrs old, and our daughter is 1month. I tell you, it is hard!! Dealing with his son, and dealing with his ex-wife. If you think you can handle the situation, then go. But before, I was thinking I could, but now I realized I couldn't but it is late:-(
Goodluck!

Domy,

I met my husband when his kids were 6 and 3 and we married several years after that. I had plenty of time to assess the situation with his ex-wife and the kids, etc. I mean it when I say DON'T BE IN A HURRY. Make sure that you completely understand the existing family dynamic and make very calculated, cold, hard decisions about whether you want to spend the rest of your life dealing with it. It is EXTREMELY difficult sometimes--even in a family situation like ours where everyone manages to get along, and it takes adaptable, forgiving, accommodating, selfless parenting to make the situation even halfway work. There's no doubt that it stinks all around for the kids, and there is ABSOLUTELY NO REASON why parents need to make it any more difficult.

I have spent many, many years biting my tongue when it comes to their mother and her husband, (Their complete lack of common sense STILL amazes me someetimes) as it is not my place to criticize. We have some major fundamental differences (religious and otherwise), but I am NOT THEIR MOMMY and therefore I am not entitled to the input in that situation. I do what I can--which I feel is sadly lacking most of the time--but the kids seem happy and I cannot imagine my life without them. Their capacity for forgiveness and love is boundless it seeems and I am so very GRATEFUL that I get to be a part of their lives.

...and make no mistake about it, you are VERY LOW on the totem pole. Those events in your family that you want the kids to attend oftentimes get stepped on if mom has something she wants to do with the kids, and YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO COMPLAIN even a little. You are stepmom.

In short, stepparenting is thankless, hard, oftentimes painful work. The rewards are small and infrequent. It is NOT a job for most people, and you don't realize just how incredibly difficult it is until you're smack dab in the middle of it.

Hi Domy,
I have two, maybe three!, sides on this one. One being I became a stepmom when I married my husband and we have full custody of her. Two, I have two children from a previous marriage who also live in our home along with a baby daughter we had together.
There are some, and this is an extreme word, regrets. We got married 5 months after our engagement. That's a big one for me, as I wish I would have waited longer to learn more about step-parenting and wish we would have gotten some very definitive counseling. I know it's been said time and time again, but stepparenting is a hard hard job. In our family, bio-mom doesn't and hasn't seen SD in 4 years, so I don't have to deal directly with her. However, this woman that forfeited the privelege of being a mother due to addictions is on a pedestal here. SD will always have these fantasies of her mom and make them known to me and consistently reassures me that I will never be as good as her "mom". So be prepared that no matter how hard you try and however senseless her daddy may behave, you won't measure up.
Secondly, my DH hears my children build up their daddy constantly. Their dad is involved and we see him frequently. We have given him open invitation to come to our home as often as he wishes for the sake of the children, especially birthdays and holidays, but he doesn't accept. BUT my DH is a strong and secure man (emotionally) because if SD's birth mom was around a lot, that'd be a big pill to swallow, having to interact with her. You really cannot be a jealous person to be a good stepparent. So before you make that plunge, ask yourself the really tough questions.
And lastly, if you plan on having a child together, you should really get the stepparenting issue down first. Give your soon-to-be SD time to adjust to all the changes. You will be amazed at the difference in your feelings when you have a child of your own and it could hurt SD if you're not careful. Establish that relationship for her security first.
I hope I have helped, I wish I would have taken my own advice because it could have saved my family some heartbreak. Good luck to you!

There are many things to consider when forming a combined family. My first advice, as a product of divorced parents and combined marriages, is that if you aren't living with them yet move in before you get married. Living with them will give you a better idea of what the situation will be like once you are married. Also, keep in mind that you are not only marrying your fiancee and her daughter, but you are "marrying" her daughter's father as well (if he's in her life), and that no matter what you do you will probably never be as good as her daddy. I found that the biggest problem in our household of combined marriages was that my step parents believed they were my parents, and that is a relationship that grows through time if there is mutual respect, etc, you can't just walk in and assume the parental position -especially if her father is still a prominent figure in her life. REALLY think this over, combined marriages are tough and can lead to disappointments, anger, and in some cases even hate.(That you don't have children should help the situation.) Best of Luck!

Domy -
What is the relationship like between your fiancee and her ex-husband?

If it was an amicable divorce, and thye are committed to making sure their child has a good life, you should have few problems.

First of all, thanks to all for your replies.
Moving togheter before marring is out of the question; here in Dominican Republic we are still living in the 18th century, and two unmarried person living togheter is just wrong for the society... *sigh*
The divorce of my fiancee was un ugly one; domestic violence and emotional abuse were involved. Yet, she tries with all her strenght, for the sake of the child, to maintain an amicable relationship with her ex-husband, but he can be reeeally hard to deal at times.
Anyway, we are thinking, before marrying, of speaking with ex-husband so he understands that I will not try to take his role as father away, he is very attached to his daughter and we don't want him to fell threatened or in danger of loosing his daughter.
Best regards and thanks you again

Domy