Wow, I'm sorry about this. I'm afraid that if you let this girl make 'grown-up' decisions, your DH could become estranged from her - that will only let the gap widen.

Do you have any reasons as to why she suddenly feels this way? I assume you were not the reason her parents divorced and that she has no reason (mother) to believe her parents would be together were it not for you?

A couple of things I would recommend: 1. DH talks to his ex to see if she knows what's the problem. Is she using any divorce poisoning? Most kids don't take such a strong stance w/o some encouragement from their most influential person (mom, usually.) 2. DH must not allow her to disrespect you, as his wife, or you will grow resentful - of this I'm sure - been there.

I would explore the help of a marriage/family counselor NOW. My DH and I waited til recently to seek counseling - my skids are grown, but we've never had an easy road. Many men are non-custodial parents and are afraid of 'losing' the kids even more. So, they back down when the little voice inside them tells them it's not the right path, they reward bad behavior out of guilt, etc. It really leads to problems in adulthood - for many of these kids' relationships.

Have you and this girl gotten along rather well up until this point? I'm curious as to why you've only known her for six mos. Did you have a whirlwind romance? Or, did you give him and his DDs space on their weekends? How long have you both been divorced? What is the ex-wife like?

If the ex is not bitter or angry or jealous, she will be the key to getting through this. If she is any of those things, I'm afraid you have a very tough uphill battle. But, if DH gives in to his DD, you can bet she will begin to work on her sister and that relationship will also deteriorate.

Good luck - please fill in the blanks a little. My skids and I get along much better these days, but those early days were he!! for me. I still have issues, and the SS hasn't spoken to us in over 2 yrs. His sisters have their calls unanswered for months at a time. His mother hasn't heard from him in longer than us (he has issues: lifestyle, bad choices, etc.) Anyway, the ex in my case pinned me as a homewrecker - ironic since she had a long affair during their marriage. Later, like three years later, she found the Lord and confessed, but a lot of bad water had gone under the bridge - it's still a tough process to fix the damage. Some days I want to mend the fences, but others, I just am burned out. At least the girls are adults and fairly self-sufficient these days.

All the best,
Dana

Definitely, DO NOT allow her to skip visitation with her father, and DO NOT let her call the shots about whether you will be there or not. She's 13, and at a very difficult age for any young girl. Her parents' divorce and father's remarriage are no-doubt difficult for her, and she's probably feeling pressure not to like you -- whether it's internal feelings all her own, aided by BioMom's poison or insecurity, or just influenced by her friends.

I'd sit down with your husband and decide what you will take from her in terms of behavior and attitude. Basic civility should be the minimum, but what to do about eye rolls, icy glares, snickers and slammed doors should be addressed before it happens, with consequences solidly agreed upon between you and your hubby. These things will happen, so be prepared. And the the extent possible, Dad should be the one explaining the rules and enforcing the consequences. In fact, Dad should very clearly explain ALL the house rules and should be the enforcer to the extent humanly possible. You shouldn't have to do any more than say "You know the rules..." to get compliance. (If you do, she'll feel justified for disliking you.)

Then I'd also discuss with DH ways where you can give her a little more space with her father without making it seem like she's won her point. She needs to know that her father loves her, but also that she's not the one calling the shots. If she thinks she can -- she will. I'd try to disengage from her emotionally until she's used to you and ready to accept a little more involvement. I have no idea how long that will take, but with your DH's support, I'll bet it can happen.

That's assuming, of course, that you were not in the picture pre-divorce, and that BioMom isn't a psycho and doesn't have any real reason to hate you. If those assumptions aren't accurate, you'll have a tough road...

My advice to you is to take the day off,enjoy shopping,visiting with friends or just read a good book with a cup of latte at Barnes and Noble.
Life is too short to deal with other people's children.
If she does not want to see you,thats like giving you a bonus,enjoy it!

I am sorry you are going through this.

We have been experiencing a similar circumstance. I have twin SD's who are 13. The one that is suddenly absent was once very close with me. In fact, she reminded me alot of myself and we have always gotten along. There hasn't been any problems. She is so easily persuaded by BM though. In fact, my DH has said that BM used to say quite frequently that SD doesn't have an original thought in her head. She uses this to hurt us.

I agree with the poster that said it depends on how supportive BM is of your DH. Like I said our BM enjoys knowing she is helping to hurt us. My DH cannot go into BM's house and physically remove SD so we just keep the lines of communication open and wait for her to realize what she is missing. I wish there was some other way in handling this because the more time that goes by the greater the chance of not seeing her any time soon.

I hope you can convince BM to support you both and not let the child be in charge. Nothing good can come from that.

Maybe family counseling to help her through the issues she has about her other family. I know the hard part is getting her there. I wish you the best.

You do not want to let a child set terms like this, one thing children of divorce master is adult manipulation. Do not fall victim to it.

I had a similar problem, although on my wedding day! BM got SS all stirred up on how he was 'loosing his father' (he'd be okay with it for the entire year we planned our wedding) that he called DH and demanded he not marry me or else.

I would advise that DH needs to talk to her, find out what is causing these feelings, but setting terms of visitation is not an option.

Dana is right, counciling is a good place to get this under control early.