Just asking -- Dad tells her to go to moms, and she didnt. Why is that moms fault. If mom cant control the child, why cant Dad step up to the plate. And why did Dad tell her to leave?

mom dropped her off at dad's at the age of 12...dad told her to leave because she was abusive to everyone in the home including four other children ages 14, 12, 11, and 9
Dad did step up to the plate, and then some!

I imagine that she must have been very hard to live with, but as an outsider, I can't help but feel sorry for your stepdaughter. From what you've said, it sounds as if her mother basically abandoned her when she was 12, and her father just threw her out at 17. Sure, he told her to go to her mother... but she must have already known that her mother didn't want her. I know that I certainly wouldn't want to go to a parent who'd given up on me 5 years previously.

It may be hard to let go of the feelings you've had in reaction to whatever she was doing, but it would be nice if you and your husband could bring yourselves to feel grateful to the uncle's family for taking her in instead of resenting them for it. It's certainly better than having her live with a boyfriend who could get her pregnant. In time, perhaps you and your husband can also work to establish a more positive relationship with the girl. As difficult as she may be, she's still a teenager and she can't be ready to make the best start in the world on her own.

I think you must be alittle confused. The Uncle's family is only the uncle and he is the dad's brother. Her mom begged her to stay with her when she was 12 but she saw a better oppurtunity at her dad's and my house. She is exactly where she wants to be and manipulated everybody to get there. She hurt alot of people mentally and physically to get what she wanted. She is content while the rest of us suffer, even the Uncle is upset with her. I do understand that in most cases kids will be kids but at what point should she be held accountable for her own actions? When she is 18 because the law says so? I believe the law to be wrong in this case.

Are you saying that it is ok to throw a 17 year old out into the street?

BTW, "mom dropped her off at dad's at the age of 12..." is a very different statement from "Her mom begged her to stay with her when she was 12 but she saw a better opportunity at her dad's and my house." It would seem that first you wanted the other posters to think her mom abandoned her, and then when another poster felt sorry for her, the story changed.

I doubt very much that she is "content" that she has a father who would kick her out of her home. And how are you suffering? - it appears that you got rid of her, which is apparently what you wanted.

What did this girl do that was so awful? How was she abusive?

I realize that if you aren't there it is hard to understand the situation. I suppose I should have just kept all of this to myself. I never said it was ok to kick anbody out on the street and that is not what we did. Just so everyone understands..its not like one day we just woke up and decided that we didn't want her to live with us anymore. I see how people took my comments and made their own decisions on how to interpret them. I know what happened in my house and I know that what we did was the right thing to do. We see her everyday living off of grandma's money. Using and manupliating her. The thing is unless you were in my house watching her tearing the other children apart...from beating them to the point an ambulance had been called many times to degrading them to the point they didn't want to exist anymore...you have no right to judge. I live by the rule that I am no ones judge and jury and I expect the same from everyone else. You were not there. As far as my comment on "her mom dropped her off"..I meant that literally. She physically came to the house and dropped her off. I didn't mean that she just dumped her in our laps. Assuming only makes a "you know what" out of you and me both. Lets all try to be civil. I have had enough uncivilness to last a lifetime.

I think the vast majority of people would interpret "her mom dropped her off" to mean that her mother decided she wanted her daughter to live with her father. Otherwise why would you bother mentioning it - why does it matter who transported her to her father's house when she moved in?

A 17 year old SHOULD be living off an adult's money. Seventeen year olds are not expected to be self-supporting.

If she has anger management problems, her father should be getting her help, not kicking her out. Apparently his own mother doesn't agree with what he has done. Am I correct in assuming that you asked your husband to tell her to leave, since you said he is "siding with you?"

One would think that if this girl were physically assaulting younger children, you would have thought that important enough to have mentioned it in the first post.

are you always like this?

Yes she is ignore her ... you're a SM its doesn't matter what you say or do you are wrong children are always right.

They should be free to speak their minds and do and say whatever they want no matter who it effects.

Everyone but the child should be miserable.... ignore her she is a bitter second wife whose husband cheated on her with a sugar mamma ... who he then married and chooses to have nothing to do with her or their children ... and blames the SM of course ... because he used to be father of the year then the other woman stole him away in the midst of his depression and he never looked back .... imagine he wouldn't even come over and open a window for them(her) so she could put a fan in the window in the middle of a heatwave.

LOL, ya she is popup. Stick around long enough and you will see exactly what TOS is made up of. So don't leave. It doesn't matter what you say or do, or how mistreated you have been, or how much you actually do love your stepchildren, TOS won't see anything in you but an evil, wicked stepmother.

Thanks guys! it will take more then her to run me off...just having a bad day today. Believe it or not I have a really good relationship with my ex's new wife....the SM of my children. Generally I think most people are good people that have some bad problems...Don't we all. Again Thanks!

It seems to me that no cares about the 17 year old. I would suggest your DH try to work out a plan for her. That people here accept throwing away a 17 year old is very sad.

She wanted to be "thrown" away.

It too bad the 17 year old couldn't foresee that her actions would have consequences ....

If she physically attacks a classmate she goes to jail ... but its "ok" because its a sibling or a SP or parent .... bullsh$t.

Poor kid her parents are divorced she doesn't know how to deal with her anger lets just entitle her to be a rotten human being the rest of her life with out any regard to anyone elses feelings.

Perhaps TOS and KKNY, were it your children lying in an ambulance,bloody and beaten, your first thought would be, let me coddle this 17 year old a little more, lets get her help, and therapy, God forbid we cant throw her out to protect my child, children, and this is not the FIRST time they are riding to the hospital......WOULD NOT be my first thought........

"My four children are pulled in the middle of the whole mess"

This was in the original post... Even I, without TWO degrees that TOS supposedly has, can figure out that what's going on is a problem 17 year old that is affecting the younger kids.

Personally, I think it's up to both parents to figure out a solution and BM's solution was to send her child to dad at 12. It doesn't matter if she kicked her out or decided she should live with dad and just 'transported' her, the child is bound to feel mom didn't want her. Dad has had her for five years, all of which are the TOUGHEST years to raise a girl. The girl is probably more than a handful and whether we all think dad should be handling it, he probably has to work and the other children in the house don't need 1)to be at physical risk. 2)to be around the example that this 17 year old is showing them. An unruly 17 year old is NOT the same as an unruly 9 year old. They are just as big as the adults and have more options, like running away and actually having a place to go... like a boyfriends. If dad decided he can no longer handle her, then it IS the mom's responsibility to step up. No, instead she gives her consent to let the child live with boyfriend? Well, mom didn't want her at 12 (maybe because she was already having problems with her and instead of dealing with the problems, she shipped her off to dad) and of course now that she's 17, mom still doesn't want to deal with her. If there were no other children in dad's house, I might agree that he's STUCK dealing with her, but it's unfair to the younger children to be STUCK with an out of control teenager.

That's just my opinion...

Wait, popup said mom begged SD to stay, when she was 12. Isnt this mom being gracious and driving her to Dad's? If mom hadnt facilitated SD moving, she would have been dumped on. I would like to know what was going on and why SD begged to move to dads. But too late. Dad set up the situation, I think he should deal with it. But SM wants the girl out.

That is the whole thing. We could deal with all the lies and deciet and the abuse, mentally and physically, to us (the adults) but not to the other four children. SD went to the DH brother's house because we all thought that was best. He has no children and he was willing. DH is not speaking to her but he is dealing with her the best way that he can. We were caught between a rock and a hard place. If we let her stay to try to help we damage the lives of the other four. We decided to let her go to DH's brothers because he is right across the street and we can pay attention without being in her face or his. We thought this was a good idea but we are afraid now her living there is making it worse....too close to the other children. My husband..DH..has done the best he can and continues to do so. He stepped up when he needed to and let go when he felt it was best. He loves his daughter very much but he can't allow her to hurt the other children. He doesn't speak to her because it only seems to make her worse and his mother is babying her because she feels sorry for her and literally does not care about the other four children. Which is a whole nother story. We felt that we had to make SD responsible for her actions and the only way to do that was to make her move. I used every excuse in the book to excuse SD for what she had become, blamed everybody for the way SD was except for SD. DH and I finally came to the agreement that it was time for her to accountable for her own actions. After all she is not a baby anymore. If she could cuss, abuse, and obliviate my children's spirits then she could be made responsible for what she has done.

Sidenote: Two of my children are disabled. They have their own issues to overcome. We just simply couldn't handle SD any longer.

On another note also wanted you to know that everything did seem fine in our house, until the SD got her liscense. We used to do so much together, family outings, camping, fishing, SD and I would have a day that was set aside just for us since I share my four children with their dad I had alot more time with SD because she was always with us. Then grandma, HD's mom, stepped in and treated her like the golden child..and of course SD loved it and rolled with it. The violence I found she kept subdued and my children were afraid to say anything. Once we all knew it continued to get worse. Of course when we tried to get advice from HD parents, mine are both gone, granpa helped and we went with his advice because grandma wouldn't hear of it....they are divorced.

Either way I have to say that My husband and I stood together in this decision. It wasn't just me and it wasn't just him. Yes the idea of her moving to her mom's or to the BIL's was my idea...we discussed with whomever would listen. BM decided that it would be better for her at SD's boyfriends because uncle is DH brother and not her's. BM wanted her to stay in her school district was the excuse...not that it matters now.....

"Wait, popup said mom begged SD to stay, when she was 12. Isnt this mom being gracious and driving her to Dad's?"

Maybe, personally I think if she really didn't want her daughter to go, she would have said no or fought it.

My SD's mom gave DH custody for whatever reason... it was easier for her to not have her child with her all the time, she has more time to spend alone with her boyfriend, she wants to play mommy to her boyfriends kids, her daughter was a handful when she was single and maybe thought taking her daughter would threaten her new relationship or whatever might have gone on in BM's head... I don't know. I'm a mom and I would never give up my child to be with a guy. The point is that mom willingly gave up her child without a fight.

But, at the same time, she tells her daughter how much she misses her and wants her to live there. It alleviates her guilt in leaving her child. They get to pretend how wonderful life would be if she got to live there and we are the terrible mean people that won't allow it. BM has even told people that DH took her daughter away from her, so she is the victim. I guarantee you that SD knows her mom chose the boyfriend and feels mom doesn't want her... no matter how much mom tells her otherwise. Kids are not that dumb.

no boy friend...BM was married with two other younger children. When we went to drop SD off after visitation SD told her BM that she wanted to come and live with her HD. BM said They would talk it over. The following visitation SD's BM called and said ver emotionally that she was bringing SD to live with her dad. Custody was never changed. SD's BM still has custody but in MO we can't force SD to go back to BM because she is 17. This is why we decided on brother in law's house.

Maybe BM should have told SD no...she had to stay but BM didn't. Whatever the reason...SD came to live with us.

"granpa helped and we went with his advice because grandma wouldn't hear of it....they are divorced."

This sounds like it may be the reason your husband's mom is not talking to your husband, not because you & your husband are united, but because you 'sided' with her ex husband...

I'm sorry you had to go this, but you have to do whats best for your children. Its funny, DH and I had this conversation a long time ago on hypothetical (when my oldest SS was in an extremely out of control stage) what would we do if he attacked me or any of the other children. His response was out the door immediately. Its not fair for your other children to have to live in that environment. Do whats best for everyone.

That very well could be...We never really thought about that. She does really hate her EX. They have been divorced for 22 years. You would think by now they would at least attempt to get along. The last time and only time I ever seen those two together was at our wedding...and they were "nice" because they felt they had to be...THANK GOODNESS! My husband said we would never see that again...guess he was right.

The thing is when it comes to physical violence the decision would have been the same whether it were his children or mine. The decision wasn't made for SD to move out because she was my SD...It was made because she was mentally and physically abusive to the other children in the house.

If it were my biological children beating on my SD the decision would have been made to have them removed from our home..sending them to their dad's.

The blaming me only comes because it wasn't my biological children that were told to leave.

I have tried to explain this to SD's grandmother but she says she never wants to see or speak to me again...which is when my husband had seen and heard enough and told his mom that she didn't need to see or speak to him either. She ended the conversation with "Don't worry I don't intend to"

This is why I feel bad for my husband...he was forced to ask his only daughter to leave, his mother won't speak to him, which for his small family only leaves his dad (which is very sweet) and his brother, whom his daughter lives with which limits his contact with him.

I really do wish there could have been a better ending with this situation...maybe in time there will be.

He does adore my four children which says alot about the man. I had four children in five years and my last child was severally disabled which did hurt my first marriage. My son is better now but his conditions took their toll, on him as well as us(his parents). At the time I met my 2nd husband I was very single, my children's BD was having a hard time, and going through nursing school. He took us all in without a thought and loved my children as his own.

Now the relationship with my ex and his wife is a very good one which is another hurddle for my husband to overcome...which he did with flying colors. As a family we have nights where we BBQ and my ex and his wife is invited and come over and have a good time..just talking. How many 2nd husband's could handle their wives having dinner with her ex. Not many. Hats off to my husband for being the man that he is.

Popup,

That's too bad you guys are going through that. It's sad that this kid is so out of control nobody can handle her. It's called "Tuff Love" what your Husband did and sometimes when the kid is too grown for their own good, it's the only way. Therapy may not even help or take forever to take affect and you and your children can't be her punching bag in the meantime. People seem to think therapy is some kindof MIRACLE SOLUTION and it's not. My girl's BioMom has been in and out of therapy and rehab and she still is sick and dangerous.

The person has to WANT the help and it doesn't sound like your SD wants the help. She wants her cake and wants to eat it too. Maybe this will be a wake up call. I was curious, did her boyfriends parents boot her out too or did they just "break up". I bet his parents couldn't handle her either.....just a guess.

Once boyfriend had to live with SD him and his parents couldn't handle her. No physical abuse but they told us that it was "all about her" attitude was too much for them to handle. It was her way or the highway so they chose to send her down the highway. We tried to tell them but you know some people..think they know how to fix everything...until they actually have to deal with it all the time. They have since pologized and her boyfriend calls us often just to check in..he really was a good guy....sad really. This is what made us realize that everything she had done had a purpose. SD has so many faces. Whatever she wants you to see in order to get what she wants and then once she has it she is completely different. SD wanted out of her BM and dad's house andshe new the quickes way to get out of our house was through my kids.

So she got what she wanted and the other kids are safe. I just hope that eventually she grows up and comes around so her and her father can have a relationship. How sad that this kid has pushed away people who love her.

She is going to find it very difficult to have any meaningful relationships in her life. You guys just all hang in there. I bet she would refuse to go to counseling all together huh? It wouldn't hurt if she would go. It may work or it may not but it would be worth a shot.