step-daughter couldn't hack air force... moving back in with us!

14 years ago

I am writing out of desparation and praying someone might help me along the way. My stepdaughter (18) joined the Air Force 2 months ago. After completing 7 weeks of boot camp, she had an injury to her hip, and was unable to graduate. (She had sent us letters along the way, hinting she was not happy with the AF).

Consequently, she has decided to come home and has been diagnosed with depression. She had been in physical therapy to correct her hip issue, but decided she did not want to be in the "cripple ward" anymore.

Personally, I did not think it was that easy to leave the service, but this kid is a master manipulator. She has called her father and told us she is coming home. The past two years she spent with her mother. I have been with her Dad since she was 5, and been his wife for 11 years before she decided to move in with her Mom. (This was the fun place to be, and there were no rules).

I am an educator, and have really stressed throughout the years how important it was to get an education to further your life. It fell on deaf ears, and she eeked through high school with a D plus overall average. Her dad, (the love of my life), is a gentle soul who sees his little girl as a golden child, and expects me to be as thrilled as he is that she is coming back to live with us. I have never had an impact on her thought process, and now my worst nightmare is coming true.

She is coming back to live with us, with no job, no health insurance, and no desire to take classes from even a community school. Not to mention the diagnosis from the AF of depression.

Her mother has told her she cannot come back to live with her, as her other 2 children were told to get out the house when they were 18. So... now I am at a loss. I am the main bread winner, and have supported her for most of her growing up years financially and helping in all parts of 'child-rearing'. I was not blessed to have children of my own due to a hysterectomy in my 20's.

I am right at 50, and was looking forward to being able to travel and spend time with my husband. Now, that is evaporating. Any advice on words I can say to my husband that will help him see my side. He is a love, but prefers to put his head in the sand when I say things he does not want to hear.

I am really afraid this will take our marriage down. He is all I have, as my parents are dead and I have no close family left. Any words of wisdom? Thanks....

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (20)

caphillsm
14 years ago
I think that a great compromise would be for you and DH to let her know that there is a three month limit for her to live in your home. You will help her "get back on her feet" while she makes other plans. If you are the main bread winner, then you have every right to also ask her for a contribution to the family expenses. Have a serious talk with your husband, practice what you are going to say together so he doesnt get weak and go off script!
0
lamom
14 years ago
Courage,

This may sound hard but DON't do it! Or only for a little while which is a week or two. My SS now 30, washed out of the Army at 19 or 20 after having the same kind of lousy high school track record, barely graduated, DH then BF had to pull him through, etc. BM had to use a contact to get him in to the Army as the other branches of service wouldn't have him. (This is a true story)

He was sent home after 3-4 weeks of boot camp designated "unfit for military life." We had never even heard of that before, someone being sent home from the Army without completing Boot Camp. He hung around his dad's home, same thing BM said he couldn't come back to her, fell in with some bad friends who stole Dh's checkbook, tried to forge checks and finally DH put him out. He spent a couple of nights in the park on a bench! then landed at his grandmother's. There is more to this story including the grandma eventually putting him out too.

Let her land on her own two feet. Understandably, this is your DH's baby girl and he will always keep a soft spot for her. But, she will disrupt your home, need your money, put stress on your marriage, and will be enabled to not do too much for herself. Just say no, or more reasonably, before she lands with you let her know that you want to know where she is headed next within a couple of weeks, not months! That way she can wrap her head around the temporary situation at your house while she is on the bus.

I'm sorry this is happening. I've seen it up close and personal. That is one of the few times in 15 years I've seen DH cry. He literally cried from shame on the way to the bus stop to pick up his son who was fired from boot camp.
0
Related Discussions
Abusive, manipulative Step Daughter
Q
Comments (17)
I have been dealing with this for 33 years. I tried everything suggested here. My husband has two daughters. i have no children of my own. i had to have a hhysterectomy when I was 25. i married my husband when I was 36 and happly single. He was too, after being divorced five years from his high school sweetheart,. She immigrated from South America to his small Southern town, when she was a young teen,. She was exotic and alluring to a naive teen. She had horrific underlying issues that to date have not been dealt with. Her mother was married when she got pregnant by another man and had her, supposedly to get out of the marriage. She left her and her older sister from her marriage, with her parents and moved to the United States. They joined her years later in my husbans’s small town.. Seven or eight years ago, my husband’s ex wife learned via genetic testing she had a brother who had used the same DNA testing service. He was adopted I suppose as an infant. Who knows how many others there could be. this behavior reminds me of a species of bird, the cowbird. They do nor rear their young themselves. They lay their eggs in the nest of other species, usually smaller in size. From the time they are hatched they are larger and demand more food. Very often the legetimate siblings die from starvation or are crowded out of the nest before they can fly and care for themselves. When both parents are not willing to work together post divorce about the children they created, put their needs and wants before that of their children, it is going to be a disaster in some way. Add to it someone with this background above, and a dupisaster is guaranteed. I am a young senior now. I was very idealistic when I married my husband. I also saw two teens neglected by a mother who was focused solely on her career. My husband came from a home of very modest means but well educated. he has a PhD in Engineering. He is an only child but spent his first seven years in his grandmother’s home with his parents and an orphaned female cousin (Depression era). He was surrounded by a very close knit family of aunts, uncles, and cousins. They all went to the same school and church together, gathered together often, and lived by the Golden Rule. I was born and raised in the South too, in very much the same way. The difference being iI lived in a much larger city and I am the youngest of three siblings, We have lost our parents and both of my siblings. My mother and siblings died within the past three years. There never was going to be a way for all of this to turn out well. . When the ex wife retired she had nothing left to do but focus on her children and our grandchildren. We do not understand her and never will. We should not have to. But we have been forced to live with the consequences of her behavior and the influence she has over her daughters and the grandchildren. We have not heard from our children and grandchildren in five years. For many years, while the ex was emplyed, we were in contact continuously, very happily involved. We lived n the same town with the ex and one daughter and her family, the other an hour away up untl Christmas of 2019.. In the beginning I thought it would be good for my husband’s ex and I to have a courteous relationship in order to manage the girls activities and stop the obvious and normal game playing children of divorce do to get what they want. I found out quickly that was never going to happen. I love my step daughters and grandchildren. so I did the best I could. But no matter what I did, I stepped on the ex wife’s toes, Multiply thar by two girls who were starved for what their mother could or would not give them for most of their lives. We got tired of being hurt by these two daughters and their mother. They abandoned us over a flurry of insane activy involving a divorced stepdaughter. She divorced her husband of 21 years in record time. They had accrued a lot of property, lived in a million dollare home. My stepdaughter drove a new Mercedes Benz. Six weeks after the divorce was finalized she got involved with a man who did not make enough money to pay his $350 rent and borrowed money from her. He lived in a hovel, with barely any decent furnishings, his clothing piled waist high in the corners of the room he slept in. He did not even empty his mailbox of junk mail. Instead he let it spill onto the ground and carved a niche out of what was packed into the box. He spent his days hanging out in a cafe, his nights in a bar, surrounded by women half his age. At nearly 50 years old he had nothing to show for his existence other than a short lived marriage that produced no children. He has a Bachelor’s degree in History. When my stepdaughter brought him to meet us he was dirty, unshaven, disrespectful, and talked only about beer and his mutt dogs. All of our red flags went up and have stayed up since. He has never done anuthing to change the first impression we had of him. He has only made it worse. My stepdaughter moved him in on top of her children, devastated by a divorce they were too young to understand or see coming. At some point thay went to the courthouse and got married. We do not know when. They had a coming out party in my stepdaughter’s home, calling it a Christmas party. We were traveling and unable to attend. When we learned of the marriage we were shocked. My stepdaughter had never spoken well of this man to us. She swore to us she had no plans of getting married. But when we reacted the way we did she flew into a rage. This was the beginning of the end. She was estranged from her mother who had desperately been trying to win her daughter back. Suddenly the perfect opportunity arose. Her mother fully embraced this creature my stepdaughter married. Thus began the campaign against us. Cruelty began first, hen alienation. we were so very naive about what was going on. Mockery and amusement at our bewilderment was constant. Then alienation when I confronted my stepdaughters’ behavior. All of this took too much out of us, We spent one last holiday season alone, surrounded by family, and two days later moved from our home of over 40 years. it is not easy beginning a new life at our ages but is so much better than how we were living. We love where we live no, which is on the opposite side of the continent from all of the pain and insanity. If the damage done does not cause us to lose our lives sooner than later then we have a chance at happiness again.
...See More
I can't stand my step-daughter
Q
Comments (30)
I kind of agree with TOS. I was 14 when my dad and stepmom married. I love my stepmom dearly. But if she had stepped into my life and declared that my housekeeping skills, table manners, etiquette, personal hygiene, and manner of dress were all lacking even if it were objectively true, I would not have been receptive. Or if she had stepped in and tried to "share" her interests rather than getting to know me and learning what mine were. I suspect you got off to a bad start with your stepdaughter. I'm sure you meant well, but the mere fact that she told you that you might be able to change her dad, but not her, suggests that what you saw as "help", she saw as "criticism" and as you trying to change who she is. If you are interested in my opinion, I would suggest that you back off. The two of you have decades of dealing with each other ahead of you. Try to start over, and take it more slowly this time. Let the relationship develop naturally between the two of you, rather than try to force it into whatever mold or expectations you had in mind that it should be because you married her father. You may still find that you don't particularly like each other as people, but you may also find that without the expectations or pressures of parent/child issues, you get along just fine. She is spending time with, and taking advice from, mature members of your church congregation? How could this possibly be a bad thing? I understand that your feelings are hurt that she is not seeking *your* advice, but while I am sympathetic, that is your issue not hers. Do you want to be told whose advice you should be taking? I think that for the sake of your future relationship, if you haven't already done so, you need to completely back off from trying to help or advise her and simply let this girl find herself. Then get to know who she turns out to be... with no expectations of what kind of relationship will develop. Just let it happen naturally.
...See More
Step Daughter Woes/Please help
Q
Comments (17)
If he won't step up, you will either live with this, or you will leave. Remember that pointing out a child's deficiencies will only make the parent defensive. Asking a child how many date nights she wants with her dad is inappropriate. A child should not get any "date nights". There should be father-daughter time, but to put her time as equal to your time is damaging. They are equally important, but not the same at all. She doesn't like the relationship you have with your daughter because she wants a good relationship with her mom. "I think I should get my dad to myself EVERY night." Have you said to her that you understand her feelings? Here's an example of what I'm talking about. My SD and I went to the beach with her dad this weekend. She and I went to the water because he's not the water-person I am. She was afraid. We stood at the water's edge for FOREVER. Finally she said that she's "used to" her mom and her mom telling her it would be all right, etc. She said "if you were my mom, I'd believe you". I looked right at her and said, "sweetie, I'm not your Mama. We don't have that history or trust built up. I can't tell you the same words and have you believe them just like your mama would." I said "honey, if you were my daughter, I'd throw you under my arm and take you out to the waves, (that's what I do with my dd) but you're not. So we're just going to have to get through this the best we can, and we can stand here as long as you like." She got it. I'm not a replacement, but I will not be made to feel bad because I don't have the history with her. We're here at square one. Now what. Now someone makes a move. But she is not going to control my life. I am the adult. I respect her as a child under my care, as my DH's daughter. I made it clear I will protect her, that I want to know her, and that we are a family. But the family starts with me and DH. We are the trees, and they get to enjoy the shade.
...See More
Problems with my 19 yr old step daughter
Q
Comments (32)
Theotherside... can you read? Or do you just actively ignore what is said? SHE HAS REFUSED COUSELING OF ANY SORT! Yes I would be happy to help find a program for her but right now it won't do her any f** good if she refuses to go. And pray tell me when do you CONSIDER HER AN ADULT??? She is an adult as she blurts out all the time.. The law sees her as an adult. You say around 30, good fight the laws to where parents can make decision for their kids until that age. I am not allowed to make decisions for her any longer... So how do I help someone who doesn't want the help. I really grow weary of your ignorance... oh and by the way her drug of choice is METHANPHETAMINE!!! We would not be having this conversation if it was were pot. No if she were 14 and out of control I could send her to freekin rehab! I could do something about it... Oh and you forgot to post your address :) Your thoughts on parental responsibility is ridiculous and absolutely ignorant.... How do you do something about it... (other than disscussing it with her) At 19 she is an ADULT! Let's put it this way say you had a foster child in your home and they had turned 19 and you found out they were using and became a danger to YOUR other children... You're telling me you would still allow them to stay under your roof? If so you are in my opinion as well as that of the law UNFIT... You parental responsibilities is to protect the minor children you are responsible for. It doesn't mean you can't try to help that older child. But you can't allow their habits to harm your other children... But when they refuse help there is NOTHING you can do! Really do you live in the 50's still? where kids are like "Golly gee ma, I'll do anything you say." You act as if after 18 years of age we have power over them... When in other forums you encourage children to not speak to their parents... Well using your theory these people probably weren't 30 yet so they weren't responsible for any affairs or anything else they were doing. Their parents should have been helping them... Quit being a hypocryte it is either one way or another... People are adults at 18 responsible for their own actions and choices/ or they are children for ever and can blame parents for the rest of their lives!!! You can not pick and choose!!! I mean really in you theory a drug addicted man at 25 yrs old murders someone and it is his parents fault??? What cult are you in? I apologize for my anger but your thoughts don't make sense from one forum to the next. You cange your mind like the wind blows... "She's just a kid, He should have known better, they don't deserve forgiveness, They should always be forgiven" So what the heck is it... Make up your mind on where you stand with the issues before you jump on someones..... case. :)
...See More
nivea
14 years ago
It's not that easy to get out of the AF and especially during basic training. It sounds like she got a medical discharge, must be a pretty serious "hip issue." They are not just handed out willy nilly and it is a lengthy, in depth process for them to decide. Lamom, your SS's discharge is pretty different from OP's stepdaughter.

I don't know, I think you sound pretty hard on the girl and I don't know how you could get your husband to see your side cause I don't see your side either. She tried the AF, things don't always work out. Depression is a serious issue and can have a life long impact on her, I'm sure it's not something she just picked to get. She's only 18, what normal mother and father wouldn't try to help their child? I don't understand why this would be your worst nightmare either? And I'm sure your husband will never your side in that as well and would actually be quite offended at your attitude if you were to explain it to him as you have to us.

Not everyone is cut out for the cookie cutter life with straight A's and an Ivy League education, but they can still work and have a happy fulfilled existence. What is it with this rash of stepparents lately acting like if the kid doesn't go to college they are an embarassment. I mean, I certainly understand trying to motivate a kid to go, but not all are cut out for it and not all are going to thrive there. If you got one of those kids, why not just help them with their interests (not enable) and guide them to what they can do? Instead of sitting on the internet complaining about their bad grades when they aren't even in high school anymore? That shipped has sailed, lets look into the future.

As far as being the bread winner and being the big contributor to SD's up bringing, that is an issue with you and your husband. Yes, things need to be talked before the move home. That's where boundaries and rules come in. But waving the flag as the money maker will probably make issues worse with your husband and will not help a relationship with SD. Although you don't even sound like you want a relationship with her...
0
poppingrays
14 years ago
I can understand feeling a bit threatened by the idea of SD moving back in, but it doesn't have to be a permanent situation. I do think you are being a bit dramatic by saying it will "take your marraige down". That's not saying much for the strength of your marraige if you truly feel that way.

Help this kid get some direction, then push her back out of the nest. You will still have plenty of time for yourself and your wants afterwards...
0
finedreams
14 years ago
this young girl is dealing with emotional and physical injuries but you make it sound like she is some evil monster. if you have such nasty attitude about this girl or about having children at home then why would you marry a man with a child.

well if she stays with you I don't see how it should effect your ability to travel or enjoy your life. she is only 18 plus she has physical and emotional injury as army is not for everyone. she should start school and start working and get back on her feet, but I don't see how it should effect your free time and so on.

I lived at home until about 19.5-20. I worked during the day and took college classes at night until i moved out, well actually I was getting married. But when i was still at home my parents traveled just fine and did everything they wanted to do. i was barely home. My brother lived at home until he graduated university at 21, he was in college full time during the day and worked night so he was never home either. My parents traveled just fine.

she is only 18, where does she suppose to live? I wonder if you had your own children and they had depression and hip injury would you kick them out? i wouldn't be surprised if your husband kicks you out.
0
finedreams
14 years ago
lamom she is 18, where does she suppose to go? where does she suppose to live? she is just out of high school.
0
kkny
14 years ago
I think SD should be congradulated for at least trying. I would suggest you speak to DH and try to encourage him to encourage her to get whatever therapy (physical and mental) is in order and then to go to the local CC and see what type of career testing can be done. I think trying to push her out is not only cruel, but also not productive.
0
finedreams
14 years ago
I have such hard time comprehending how people expect 18-year-old just out of high school to start living on their own without any support! they do not have a degree or a profession to make enough to support themselves, they can only get paid that much. to give her few weeks? and where is she going to go in few weeks? 18-year-olds either live at college or at home going to college or training or at home working saving for moving out, how do you kick them out right at 18. how awful.
0
lamom
14 years ago
FD, Nivea and all,

I just know what happened when DH's then 19 year old son was sent home similarly from the Army. He went in at 18 too. This doesn't sound different to me. SS didn't angle his way out of boot camp, the Army found him unfit based on emotional problems. Depression is a serious emotional problem.

You are right, a few weeks is too short a time to land for an 18 year old. My post was reactionary as I've seen this very scenario up close and personal with my SS at 19 and the toll it took on DH. I'm not theorizing on this one. For DH there was great deal of disappointment. That doesn't mean DH stopped loving him, but coddling SS after that wasn't the best idea either. BTW, BM was furious with her own son for washing out of boot camp and told him he could not go back to living with her at the time.
0
nivea
14 years ago
Lamom, the Air Force does not kick people out because of depression itself. OP stated hip issue hence the medical discharge, they are very different imo. As depression is different. Your SS and the OP's SD sound very different imo.
0
lamom
14 years ago
Nivea,

You are right.
0
peanutmom
14 years ago
I am wondering how things are going? Has the sd moved in and how are you handling it? It is possible to let her move in with the condition that every one in the house must contribute. If she cannot work, then she should be able to present you with a list of possible jobs and maybe even an appointment with a cc to get her started. In some places, due to her age, she will be eligible for counseling and other help to get her on her feet. I would also expect her to help around the house with whatever she is capable of doing. It should not be impossible for her to help with something. It would go a long way in easing things between you two if she showed that she wanted more than a free ride.

I hope things are going a lot better than you expected.
0
rncselga_yahoo_com
13 years ago
ANYONE CAN LIVE ON THERE OWN AT 18!! Enough with the coddling of young people, Step children are bane of many people's existence. You DO NOT have to love this girl......or even like her. The best parenting my mother ever did for me was make me move out!!... People act like weirdo around their parents. My mother's new Husband was always trying to "buy me an education".....I said "no way". I would never appreciate it coming from this stranger. Plus all he was trying to do was make my dad look bad cause he couldn't give me money.....SEE how all that crap screws everything up! Everyone out at 18 !! Stop the enmeshment!!!

Hang in ther!! most people HATE their stepchildren....they suck
0
lady_q
13 years ago
Huh? What is that all about???
0
silversword
13 years ago
That's what you call a drive by....
0
sweeby
13 years ago
"My mother's new Husband was always trying to "buy me an education"....."

What nerve! the manipulative jerk...

"I said "no way". I would never appreciate it coming from this stranger."

Good for you! That'll show him!

"Plus all he was trying to do was make my dad look bad cause he couldn't give me money....."

You nailed it! He certainly didn't want to invest in *your* future...

------
Do you believe this!?
0
MrsProffit25
13 years ago
.....I think I cried a tear with that laugh....
0
sweeby
13 years ago
Sue - If you're out there:

I know you'll never believe that you mother's husband offered to pay for your college ('buy you an education) because he's a good guy who cares about you. And perhaps you're right about that.

But here's a perspective that almost certainly has some truth in it that might actually resonate with you:

He's trying to make sure you can support yourself financially so you won't have to move back in with Mom and him.

And that's not a bad thing...

So take him up on his offer. You might even consider thanking him. Because even if he's doing it for his own selfish motives (to keep you from moving back in) -- it's ALSO beneficial for you.
0
cmestep
13 years ago
Hey someone who had the same thing happen to them as me. My SS went into the Marine's after living with us for about 3 months. I was so happy because this dumb kid had nothing going for him...at all...just like some of his other siblings. Well he went and sailed through the basic training. We went to the graduation. He got sent to another school for training and that's when he started to let my DH that "he" didn't like it and wanted out. Then he would call and say "he" was just joking. Then all of a sudden wouldn't ya know he's getting discharged!!!! It was something drug related ( and to this day I don't fully know, cause the dumb idiot won't tell us). Anyway he was coming to our house, but stopped off at his mom's on the way home for about 2 months to do every type of drug known to man. Finally the little boy got to our house. While we were waiting for Capt. Dumber then a box of rocks to get to our house. My hubby and I had a little talk. He was just gonna let him come home with NO rules. I said "not gonna happen". I made up the rules, he had to agree to them and then we presented to loser the "small BOOK of rules". His brother (who was visiting from the Army) at the time said that these were more strict then being in boot camp. I explained that I was going to be someone he wished he never knew... The wussy kid didn't last a month. We "per the rules" as a team explained to the future "I live under a bridge candidate" that he needed to vacate our house. He didn't do what was expected and that he signed on the dotted line saying that he would. I'm sorry I don't let people live in our house that are that dumb. My DH ex monster in law came and got him and yelled at us. She even put the ex wife on the phone with DH. Well while they were chatting (she was yelling, I could hear). I decided to get something straight with Grandma sitting in front of me. I told her that she is not to tell us what to do in our own home, she can let this thing come live with her, and let him do or not do in HER own home, but don't you ever come into MY home and tell me or him what WE are doing wrong with HIS son...got it. They left....3 years later my SS is still sponging off her for free...oh did I mention that he acquired a DUI too? ( he's done some other really bad things, but I can't and won't go into detail) while he's been with her. You know the moral of the story is he's not on our dime and Granny got what she wanted...someone who steal's from her.
0
cmestep
13 years ago
I was reading the response that I just left( above) and some of the others above it. I was more then willing to help this kid when He moved in with us after high school, but soon found out what his MO was REAL quick. When he said he was going into the armed forces I was thrilled for him ( since I saw he wasn't going to be able to hack it at junior college or at some entry level job). The fact that he WASTED our tax payers dollars cause he didn't like someone TELLING him what to do was just beyond. I felt that we had to be ultra hard on him....unfortunately his grandmother wanted the job of enabler, which she has done for the past 3 years...he still just can't find a job.
0

step-daughter couldn't hack air force... moving back in with us!

Comments (20)

caphillsm

lamom

Related Discussions

nivea

poppingrays

finedreams

finedreams

kkny

finedreams

lamom

nivea

lamom

peanutmom

rncselga_yahoo_com

lady_q

silversword

sweeby

MrsProffit25

sweeby

cmestep

cmestep

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US