It isn't too much therapy -- she's a con artist! A liar and a manipulator. I know the type well -- my 19 y/o SD is the same! You may not be able to change her, but you can let her know what you expect and that when she doesn't meet expectations, there are consequences. Are you paying for her to go to college? If you are still supporting her, then she is NOT an adult who can ignore what you have to say. My husband finally set rules for his daugther to continue to get support for college -- including a GPA requirement, job, no lying, stealing, etc. She did horribly this semester and has to do better next semester or her GPA will have fallen below the required one for support.

She is on her way to being an adult, so start showing her what that means -- consequences for behavior; choices to make . . . etc.

Don't let her poison the other children. Have open talks with them about her behavior and help them see the wrong in what she is doing.

Good luck.

We did not pay for her to go to college. She got scholarships and she has stundent loans... Even in that though she recieved $2600.00 to live on in august and had it spent and in the hole in 26 days... She is now over 600.00 in debt to her bank, and god knows how many credit cards... (She always tells us she doesn't have any...) but she also told us that the bank had made the error and she wasn't in the hole... Her lies are so elaborate you actually want to believe her. Now she is home for christmas and thinks she should be able to come and go as she pleases... I told her that was fine but that I lock the doors at 11:00pm and if she was going to be later than that on a weekday she would have to stay with her friends... (We have 5 other children whom have to get up early for school.) We try to get through to her... but to no avail. How is it that she could act and sound just like her mother when she hasn't even seen her in so long? I guess it's the old nurture vs. nature thing...

Sandstone,
Let's not dwell on the girl's history. While it usually does explain lots of behaviers, at some point it doesn't do any good.

You and your husband will have to come to terms with the idea that she wants to be independent. If she didn't, she wouldn't be normal. Young adults want to be independent before they're ready--sounds pretty normal, right? I believe that you and your husband should set aside an evening to talk to your daughter about what her being independent means to her dad and you, and then find out what being independent means to her. This could be the beginning of the conversation.

If you treat this conversation as a conversation you would have with a daughter that you still feel responsible for, then you might as well not have the conversation.

Let the daughter know that you and your husband are worried about her and that you know she doesn't want you to worry--but you are used to worrying. You don't know any other way. Ask the daughter to work with you and her dad as she eases into becoming independent.

Let her know that wanting to be independent is very normal and that she should feel good about it. Let her know that you and her dad DO feel good about it. Let her know that although you think she is going to ruin her life with careless decisions, it is her life and she has every right to ruin it. Don't say that with sarcasm. It is the truth. Let her know that she and she alone will make her decisions and be responsible for them. She is no longer accountable to you.

I believe that she should be allowed to expect some support from you in various ways, and you also should be able to expect some consideration from her in various ways. What you expect or want from each other should be an important part of your conversation. In no way should this be about abandon -- it's about recognizing the need to grow up.

Just remember, she is trying to get out from under your skirt and that is very normal.

Sometimes a young adult will feel sort of guilty because they want to be independent, because they are admitting that they want the parents to stay out of their business. It is a gracious and understanding parent that realizes this stage in their young adult's life.

One last point...you might point out that from time-to-time all of you will need some kind of cooperation from each other. This is part of getting along in the world -- it is also being considerate of others that gets the cooperation we desire. It's why SOME people are able to compromise -- because others compromise with them.

As with everything, it takes practice to become good.
Best to you

Well, most scholarships come with a GPA requirement, don't they?

At 19, she's no longer a child. True. However, she certainly isn't acting like an adult. I'm sorry that she's miserable (which she obviously is), and I'm sorry that she can't see the opportunity that her scholarships have provided her. It's a shame since that money could've gone to a student who would've.

You can't control her credit or bank usage--unless you're a co-signer on any accounts (in which case I would immediately freeze them). You really can't control her on-campus behavior. The only leverage you have is any financial support that you do give. If she wants to play the adult card, then emancipate her. Don't pay for her car, gas, anything, etc. Adults are completely financially responsible for themselves. Accepting financial support means that you're still a child and are subject to the rules and regulations of the supporter. Period. Just like the scholarship comes with a GPA requirement, support from mom and dad comes with a behavior requirement. No negotiation. She can accept all or nothing. That's it. There's no "middle" or compromise.

There's no reason that children should be making their parents' lives miserable--but I'm not nice. I'm tough and expect things from my stepkids. Just ask 'em....

straight-A student now failing
heavy drinking
heavy debt
lying, including some whoppers that would take a real effort to believe
(why would a hs counsellor make up something about her childhood?)

An old cop friend once told me that when someone gets hooked on drugs, including alcohol, everything else becomes irrelevant.

Nothing else matters, including grades, ambition, family, background, education,intelligence ...not one thing.

I wish you the best.

Just sounds like a late rebellion to me.When I was a teen,kids rebelled much earlier like 16 and 17.Now kids dont rebel until almost twenty or later.
Yes,I went through drinking and doing stupid things...but I also grew out of it and wised up. Hopefully she will too.But you have to be a little tough in some ways.College isnt cheap.And if she fails,you should never again offer to pay for it for her.If she doesnt want to be treated as a child,she will not get the privlliages of a child such as having things paid for.
When she realizes how tough the real world is without your help,believe me,she will come around.

You got a lot of good responses here but I couldnt read them all. I'll tell you what I know, since I am indeed the 19 yo SD.
First- Dont EVER tell her she is like her mom. She knows you dont care for her bm so for you to say that, will make her feel like you dont care for her.
Second- If she wants to be "grown", let her. Trust me, SHE WILL LEARN. People learn one of two ways, by their own mistakes or by others. This girl has to learn on her own. Dont give her any financial support. When she fails, say I'm sorry, but this is your responsiblity now. Dont pay her debts, you'll just enable her to do it again. Dont bail her out of jail...if she keeps drinking and she is driving while she's at it, she'll be in jail soon. Dont let her stay with you on breaks. Just tell her that she has to come up with something on her own. She can stay with you if she follows the rules and respects you, but the FIRST time she messes up, pack her stuff for her and have it waiting at the front door.
Your SD needs to find herself. She is hurt and feels unwanted. By telling you what you want to hear, she can keep you where she wants you. Give her space and let her be the "adult" she thinks she is. She is at the point where only she can help herself.
As much as it hurts, you have to let her go. If she's failing she will lose her college $$. Dont pay for it when she does. And dont let her move in and run the place....MAKE HER PAY RENT!
Treat her like a true adult...like one of your co-workers almost...but at the same time, be sure to give her all the love and support you possibly can. Just dont support or enable her in any way. Stop paying for everyhtin, make her be an adult. Let her learn her lessons, and when she comes home, give her love. Not money.
Just one more thing...NEVER TELL HER SHE IS JUST LIKE HER MOM!!!!!!!!!!!! I cant stress that enough.

Thank you all for your comments... I know that teens go through rebelion and that is perfectly normal. But this is so much more than that. SD is still a little girl in so many ways, she was abandoned by both parents early in life and while I do agree with "don't dwell on the past." I believe honestly that she is still living in the past. And my husband and I are taking the brunt of her anger towards her bio-parents.... She has begun disappearing for weeks at a time now and her best friend has even called here looking for her. When she pops back up she acts like it is no big deal... I hide my anger from her because I do not want her to have more ammunition... she plays the victim card so well it is frightening... she has never accepted responsibility for her actions it is always someone else's fault. How is it that someone can be so deluded? I don't understand... Everyone has had something traumatic happen in child hood but at some point you have to say " I am an adult and won't let my past decide my future." Although SD when in trouble reverts back to my Mommy and Daddy never loved me enough.... I do not tell her she is just like her Mom, I am intellegent enough to know how badly it would hurt. However my point was the age old "nature vs Nurture" She is just like her mother and her bio-mom has by choice had nothing to do with her for nearly 7 yrs... I don't understand ho then is it possible for her to be just like her... Even facial expressions, actions, and selfishness? It amazes me really, I don't know what to do I can't give up on her but for the sake of her sister's and my other children I feel we must. We have alway held a firm NO tolerance policy when it came to drinking and drugs, and to continue to allow her to come home and flaunt it all is complete hypocracy...

"I don't know what to do I can't give up on her but for the sake of her sister's and my other children I feel we must"

You might go to the "starting over" thread & read what going bonkers posted.

The risk to your other children may be the deciding factor that you can't ignore.

I wish you well.

Ok here is the latest, N made the decision to try to stay in college for the rest of this year... (Which means racking up another 17,000+ in student loans for her) She did the whol fake "I'm really going to try harder" bit when confronted about her behavior and grades. However she is still drinking every night and now I've found out that she is definately doing drugs... On top of that it is nearly midterm time again and I noticed N has dropped 3 of her classes. (Probably due to the fact that she was failing them) This is so much more than regular rebelion... I wish it were just that. When we try to talk about her lifestyle she tries to use other shocking things to distract.. This last time she blurted out "I'm f****** Gay" To which I said fine but what does that have to do with your drinking and bad grades? I really am a parent that will accept my children no matter what their sexual prefference is... Then speaking with one of her friends I was informed that she is now trying to use us as an excuse to her counselors at college and to her advisors... She told them a lengthy tale of how my husband and I have disowned her because she "came out!" (which is simply NOT true!!!) I also found out she has applied for scholarships through the gay and lesbian group at ISU... But she is currently seeing a young man!!! It angers me that she would take advantage of this club as many of my friends are gay and had such a hard time growing up... These groups and scholorships are meant to help/support them! Mid terms are posted next weds. so we'll know where she stands on grades... but all of the lies... the drugs... the drinking.. My husband is livid and wants to deny her to come home for spring break. Part of me wants to agree, I do not want this around the other kids... But I love this girl even now and keep reaching out for her. Unfortunately I feel I must back my husband up... Even though I love her I have a responsibility to my other children. I must protect them from her bad decisions.

sandstone...I feel very bad for you and the situation you are in. I wish I had some good advice for you, but I have no idea what I would do if I were in your situation. I do want to point out a common theme that you may not have recognized though. You say that everytime you and your husband come down on her, she cries and says "I'll do better". I think that she understands that this is what you both want to hear and that if she says these things then she doesn't have to deal with any consequences...as Dr. Phil would say...It's working for her. She does what she wants to do and then she says what you want to hear, and then she doesn't have to deal with any of the consequences to her actions.

I admire you for wanting to do all you can for her. I think that she has gotten so good at using the bad childhood card that it works with everybody, including you. I agree with issol on this topic, you need to stop enabling her. You may even want to go to an al-anon meeting. You can't help a person who isn't willing to help themselves. It is unfortunate, but true.

Thank you Raek. Unfortunately it is a theme that I recognized, She learned early on during all of her counseling... to say what everyone wanted to hear and poof "poor, poor N" is the reaction from everyone. I agree at this point tough love is the only way to help her. Maybe one day she'll see that I only do this out of love for her.

Well I did what I had to do.... Spoke with N yesterday and had a LONG conversation... I told her that no matter what I wanted her to know that her father and I love her very much and when she is ready to deal with the issues in her life, we will be MORE than willing to help her. However that we refused to watch her self-destruct. At this point she exploded (which is what I expected) Saying she would never speak to us again and that she would come here any time she f****** felt like it because her siblings were here. I calmly told her that NO she would not... that as their parents it is still our job to protect them even if it means from her. Then she tried the crying saying Mommy, please I'll do better I swear... (she has a tendancy to try the Mommy, Daddy thing when she feels like we are angry.. which I find silly coming from a 19yr old girl.) I told her we were not angry just tired, tired of fighting her demons for her only to have her jump right back into hell. I told her "N, sometimes children want to eat dirt... and no matter how many times you clean them up and wash out their mouths, they go right back to eating dirt.. until they realize it taste bad." We ended our conversation and I told her her father and I were going to come up with a list of rules and expectations that we would be following from now on. So this is the rules that my husband and I came up with sor far...

1.We will under NO circumstances give her money for anything.

2. We will only allow her to call us once a week (Unless an emergency arises)
   3.We will not allow her to stay with us until she gets help for her addictions. (She can visit when on break) but will need to make other sleeping arrangements.
   4.During the times she chooses to visit she has to give us at least one days notice. We will not change our plans to suit her needs.
   5.She under no circumstances is to be in this house if either my husband or myself is not home.
3. She may not approach one parent on ANY issue if the other is not present... (she has had a tendency in the past to try and play one against the other.)
4. Any visit she has with us and the kids that we believe she is high and or drunk.. another visit will not be allowed for at least one month!
5. She will respect us as we will her through out the visit.
6. She has the right to not talk about her problems with us, just as parents we have the right to ask. If she chooses not to talk about it she will refuse in a polite manner such as "I really just don't want to talk about it right now"
7. Any lying, stealing, drug use, or violence is an automatic deal breaker and we will enact a NO contact policy with her. (not through the police) we will just refuse to speak and or visit with her around the other kids.
8. At any time should N decide to enter counseling and actively participates in a recovery program these rules will slowly be lifted and we gaurantee our full support of her.
9. She will NOT curse, yell, hit, or otherwise verbally,emotionally, or physically abuse ANY member of our house hold. (We do NOT curse at her so in turn expect the same respect back)
10. If at any point we progress past these rules and N begins living with us on breaks again.. There will be a house set of rules that she MUST follow in order to continue living here.

I am getting ready to e-mail these to her tonight so if anybody can give me any ideas on if most of these seem fair or if there are any more I should add Please help! She is one that will analyse every rule looking for loop holes and such, and will be quick to say "It wasn't on the list" since I and my husband are so stressed out it is hard to think of all rules that should be in place.. So I appreciate any help you guys might provide.

14. You are NEVER to say "It wasn't on the list" (very important rule) :)

:) :) LOL that is a FANTASIC rule!!! Thank you for making me laugh and giving me the most important rule for my list...

:):) - your welcome...

My sister and I called my father Daddy until the day he died - actually we still call him that when talking about him. What is wrong with that?

I can understand not allowing alcohol or drugs in the house, but how can throwing her out on the street possibly help her?

Ok otherside.... on this post I actually do know the entire story and trust me... your way out there on this one. If you had bothered to read my entire post as well as other posts I have put up, you would know N does not live at our home at the moment!!! She is in college! Also the point of limiting her time spent in the household at the current moment is to protect the MINOR children living in the home from her drug usage and drinking! Also in referrence to the Mommy Daddy thing... if it were what she always called us I'm sure it would be fine.. but she only does it when she wants sympathy... so it does sound weird to me.. At some point you have to make the stand you will not tolerate someone not helping themselves... would you want a drug addicted drunk at your home? How about when your not home? I do not have much but what I have I value.. And many items came up missing the last time she was home including 200.00 in cash! So think before you throw down your righteous line on me... It hurts NOBODY as much as me to not take her in should she need it... but this time she has to be on her own...

I called my father "Daddy" as well...but "Mommy" is just silly for a 19 year old! If she only calls you that to get her way, that would make my blood boil!

If she causes that many problems....I would not let her come to my home either...she is a grown woman! She knows EXACTLY what she is doing...there is nothing wrong with her...she sounds very selfish. Letting her come in and act like this is definitely not doing her any favors....opening her eyes and making her repect you, is. I still say tough love.

Thanks jenny alabama I think so too... as a said before if she used it all the time it probably wouldn't seem so ridiculous... but she doesn't she only tries it when confronted with any issue where she is at fault.

By the way her mid-term grades came in.... she dropped three classes and the 4 she stayed in she got 3- F's and a D! and just yesterday she told us "my grades are fine... they aren't great but they are not bad" another lie... I wish I were surprized. My heart is broken, I have cried more in the last few days than in my entire life. I didn't want to realize the fact that she is and has manipulated us throught her entire life. How can a person be so two faced? My husband said he doesn't even know who she is so why let her into our home. Please understand we are very loving and are willing to accept ANY life our children choose as long as it is healthy for them. How does someone get this bad... I really need to reaserch the whole nature vs. nurture thing... they should do a case study on N...

sandstone...I'm with you on this one. Your rules are perfectly fair. I don't know if any of you ever watch "Intervetion" but so many times on that show there are consequences when the addicts do not get help for their problems. You have to set boundaries.

About the whole nature vs. nurture thing...she lived with her mom until she was 9/10 years old...she lived with her mom during the most formative years of her life. I'm sure you have done all you know how to do, but her behavior was also still learned partly from her mother. I'm sorry for you and her both that you didn't come along sooner, but you can't keep letting her get away with everything because things were bad for her when she was young.

As a stepchild...I stand behind you.

Yes, I would want a drug addicted drunk in my home, if that drug addicted drunk were my child. I would not want the actual drugs/alcohol in my home.

I don't see how allowing her to become homeless is going to help anyone, or serve as a good example to your other children. Are you going to be able to forgive yourselves if she commits suicide/dies of an overdose/is murdered on the streets? It sounds to me like she is clinically depressed.

No I will not forgive myself if something happens to her, but with that said I will also never forgive myself should something happen to one of my children while she is in my home! There is no way to ensure there are no drugs and alcohol in the house when an addict is involved. Or do you support full cavity searches on someone? I'll tell you what since you obviously have all of the answers give me your address... I'll send her your way :) Giving her a place to stay will not reduce the risk to her life if she continues using.... she can still overdose in my home... she could get murdered while out with her friends... she could commit suicide anywhere... Tell me otherside oh wise one how do you force a person to get help if they don't want it? And DUH!!! think we all figured out she's depressed!!! SHE WON'T GO GET HELP AND SHE'S 19 SO WE CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT! Have you ever dealt with an addict? If you allow them into your home THERE WILL BE DRUGS IN YOUR HOME! (unless granted they are actually ready to change) Oh and here's a little surprise for you dear I spoke with not only my counselor today but N's and guess what??? They said and I Quote "Do not allow her to move into your home unless she is actively participating in a recovery program, to do so would be enabling her negative behavior" :)

Sorry I got so flustered earlier I forgot to thank you Raek for your comments. It's nice to hear the stepchild's point of view. Some on this site I swear would argue no matter what the point is... Here is the thing I love N. But I've done everything in my power to help it still hasn't worked. Why would my husband and I risk our biological childrens lives? She is an adult (as she so loves to tell us.) Theotherside, there is no room for arguing here... you can not help someone who does not want the help! Go ahead and research that if you like. I know from experience an addict is an addict.. One may be more severe than another but if you pay attention you can spot them a mile away. And trust me the person you once loved is not there anymore all they think of is their addiction, and they WOULD kill you if need be to get it. For example there was a story awhile back where a young girl (I believe she was 17) allowed her drug dealer to rape her 9yr old sister in exchange for dope. She was living with her parents at the time and supposed to be babysitting her sister at the time. Now otherside could you live with yourself for allowing this to happen when every bone in your body is yelling "DANGER" How would I ever look into my baby's eyes knowing her innocense had been stolen and her older sister was responsible. Then you have two screwed up damaged children... Really look into the drug addiction thing, the # of children killing parents, children, class mates, I for one think they should have prosecuted the parents in this case. They stated they knew their older daughter was having addiction issues but thought she was doing better.

If she is actually addicted, she is in no condition to carry out the planning necessary to enter rehabilitation - not to mention the fact that she is only 19. You really expect her to be organized enough to investigate various treatment options, verify that they accept her insurance, and get herself there? I don't know many 19 year olds who could do that, even if they weren't addicted to anything. I couldn't find any indication in the posts about which drugs she has been known to take - it makes a big difference in terms of danger to herself and others if it is crack or marijuana. It has to be up to the adults to make all the arrangements, and to convince her to go (it doesn't sound like that would be too hard, since she is not actively resisting change). You just can't depend on her doing anything herself. You make the arrangements. You drive her there. You pick her up.

Children don't automatically become grown women and men just because they reach 18. Their brains, especially the part that deals with planning and decision making, keep growing for years after that - in some cases, especially in men, until around 30.

If she were 14 and depressed and an alcoholic, would you dump her out on the street? There is a huge range in maturity levels - not everyone is ready to be out on their own at 18, and I think we can assume from her behavior that she is not.

Theotherside... can you read? Or do you just actively ignore what is said? SHE HAS REFUSED COUSELING OF ANY SORT!
Yes I would be happy to help find a program for her but right now it won't do her any f** good if she refuses to go. And pray tell me when do you CONSIDER HER AN ADULT??? She is an adult as she blurts out all the time.. The law sees her as an adult. You say around 30, good fight the laws to where parents can make decision for their kids until that age. I am not allowed to make decisions for her any longer... So how do I help someone who doesn't want the help. I really grow weary of your ignorance... oh and by the way her drug of choice is METHANPHETAMINE!!! We would not be having this conversation if it was were pot. No if she were 14 and out of control I could send her to freekin rehab! I could do something about it... Oh and you forgot to post your address :) Your thoughts on parental responsibility is ridiculous and absolutely ignorant.... How do you do something about it... (other than disscussing it with her) At 19 she is an ADULT! Let's put it this way say you had a foster child in your home and they had turned 19 and you found out they were using and became a danger to YOUR other children... You're telling me you would still allow them to stay under your roof? If so you are in my opinion as well as that of the law UNFIT... You parental responsibilities is to protect the minor children you are responsible for. It doesn't mean you can't try to help that older child. But you can't allow their habits to harm your other children... But when they refuse help there is NOTHING you can do! Really do you live in the 50's still? where kids are like "Golly gee ma, I'll do anything you say." You act as if after 18 years of age we have power over them... When in other forums you encourage children to not speak to their parents... Well using your theory these people probably weren't 30 yet so they weren't responsible for any affairs or anything else they were doing. Their parents should have been helping them... Quit being a hypocryte it is either one way or another... People are adults at 18 responsible for their own actions and choices/ or they are children for ever and can blame parents for the rest of their lives!!! You can not pick and choose!!! I mean really in you theory a drug addicted man at 25 yrs old murders someone and it is his parents fault??? What cult are you in? I apologize for my anger but your thoughts don't make sense from one forum to the next. You cange your mind like the wind blows... "She's just a kid, He should have known better, they don't deserve forgiveness, They should always be forgiven" So what the heck is it... Make up your mind on where you stand with the issues before you jump on someones..... case. :)

Hi Sandstone-
Take a deep breath....YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND KNOW you have done everything you can think of to help SD get back on track.

Every SP who honestly toiled in the best interest of ALL of their children knows that this is not what you WANTED. This is not some sort of "evil stepmother" dream come true....In fact, the SP component is irrelevant. You had to make the best decision for your entire family. Toxic is toxic. ANY individual on a seemingly determined path of self destruction cannot maintain a position which gives them the power to take everyone else down with them.

Hang in there. I believe you and your husband have made the right choice.

Thanks mmommy I did go on quite the rant there... it is just frustrating that no matter what your choice is there is one person in everypost that just chooses the opposite just to cause waves. My veiws do not change. I fight for the same issues. You are right it is not what I want... it is killing me to do it this way. But all she has to do is agree to get help and then follow through. At no point did I say we wouldn't help her find a treatment center.. But when she refuses to go saying "I don't have a problem" I also got a call from our family Dr stating she will no longer treat N because she prescribed her xanex and within a week N wanted more, she told Dr she had "lost" her meds. Dr. told N she would have to wait a certain # of days. She then went to different Dr got prescription and pharmacy refused to fill and kept the script. So yes I feel my husband and I are doing the right thing as well. We can not let the other children suffer at the hands of one. I will continue to pray for her and hope she can see through this muddled mess she has made of her life. Right now she is lost to us.

sandstone....you have 99% of the people on this post behind you. You are completely in the right. You have people who put down EVERYTHING going on in ref to stepfamilies (notice always the negative to the stepparents), and who probably do not have any stepchildren. Just ignore...some people just like to get people upset (sounds like my husbands ex...wonder?)

No, the law does not see her as an full adult. She is not allowed to drink legally; she is not allowed to rent a car; colleges require parents' financial information if she applies for financial aid.

Yes, I do, as do most parents, have influence over my kids when they are 18, 19, 20 years old - just not as much as when they were 2.

It just seems to me that one of those times when she promises to do better would be a good time to jump in the car and take her to rehab.

And yes, I have experience with a young relative who used drugs. She was no fun to be around - she stole money from me, lied to me, etc., and I am sure her parents had it much worse. Her parents did not give up on her, and she eventually stopped using drugs, completed college, and has a decent job.

No the college did not require our income information. We had gaurdianship of N so we are NOT seen as her legal parents any longer. We have also tried the rehab thing when she was "sorry" she instantly goes to rage, refuses any help and says she has no problem. I agree the the 99% of the other posters on the fact that you can NOT help someone who doesn't want to get better.

sandstone, you are doing the RIGHT thing. I am very sorry to hear that Meth is her drug of choice. It's REALLY bad, and I hope that your SD realizes the destructive path she is on very soon. A woman I worked with had the same situation. Her SD was in her last year of college, straight A student, and got hooked on Meth. After trying everything they could think of, as you have, they finally had to let her go. There was just no reaching her, and she was causing nearly identical problems at home. They had an 18 year old, a 7 year old, and a 5 year old they had to protect. The last I heard, they had not heard from her in almost a year. (I no longer work there, so this may have changed.) It was and is gut wrenching for the parents, but it is so true that and addict has to WANT to get help. They put her in rehab 3 times, and the longest she ever stayed was 4 days. They could not legally force her to stay.

I would still consider going to Al Anon. You know you have done everything you can, and she is making her choices, but if something happens to her, you will need some coping skills and a true understanding of addiction. Al Anon will also go deeper into how her addiction and behavior are affecting your entire family.

I'm really sorry for you and your SD.