I would say that you need to act in the best interests of the grandchildren--whatever that is. Forcing any responsibility on her does them NO good. Taking care of them properly far outweighs trying to make SD into a responsible person.

Good luck.

Oh dear...

SD sounds like she really needs to sort out her own mess right now, but the grandkids are very, very at risk. I can't imagine that SD is truly capable of taking care of them, and think the kindest thing you could do would be to step in and take over for as long as possible. Is there a chance you two would be willing to take full custody of the two girls on a permanent basis? Otherwise, it doesn't take much imagination to see what their lives will be like in five years, ten, fifteen...

Don't mean to be negative, but from what you've written, I'd be surprised if she's back in a week...

I agree with sweeby. And i honestly think, take the kids!!! That SD is Irresponsible beyond belief! and from what you have written, always looking for an older man , and i mean really much older says to me the divorce affected her deeply.
What's best for your grandkids is stability and you guys are it.
And sorry to add this note, but sweeby is right. After i read the comment that she'll be back in a week, alarm bells rang...i think most likely she will abandon them on you. If that happens, act quickly for their sake! Call child services and tell them she has abondonned them and take custody.
I know that is alot of responsibility. Have you spoken with biomom on this? Maybe you guys should share custody between the two grandparents. Afterall , you guys have been doing it so far. Might as well make it legal for the kids sake.

I agree she does need to get her stuff together before trying to take care of 2 little girls. As far as my husbands divorce from his ex-wife affecting his daughter and making her look for an older man, Im not so sure about that one. She was pregnant with her 1st child the one by the older man, when my husband left her mother. They did not divorce when she was younger and she is looking for a father figure. My husband is retired from the military after 20yrs. This child has lived all over the world and my DH is one of the most wonderful men you could ever meet. I was always so happy to see the relationship he had with his girls. He loves them very much and tells them every time he sees or talks to them, he walks through the mall holding their hand. It kills me to see him hug them and kiss them on the top of their heads and say how much he loves them, and watch them turn around and break his heart. He just truly loves these girls like I have never seen a father love a daughter. I did not have that growing up with my father who is also retired from the military. He really is a wonderful wonderful man... Sorry to go on like this I just wish his girls could see just how lucky they really are to have a father who cares what happens to them.

Biomom is a bigger problem at times more so then the girls. She is addicted to pain pills as his the oldest daughter. My DH pays her over 1,200.00 per month in allimony and she cant even keep her lights and water turned on. So not so sure she will be any help at all.

Hmm - you've been married to him for 4 years; he left his wife when his daughter was 17 and pregnant, which would have been no more than 4 years ago, since you said she just turned 21. I think it is quite likely that under the circumstances, the divorce affected her a great deal.

Looking out for the best interest of the children is the best idea. SD seems to be a bit careless when it comes to mothering two young children. If she cannot take responsibility for them it would be best if you and your husband would.

Sweeby and maria have given excelent advice. If possible you should attempt to do it.

As for "theotherside" ignore the comments, it seems that he/she has to put the blame on the person looking for help. I'm sure he/she has never had any difficulties in life and is a saint all of the time.

Yes I did say she was 21 and she was pregnant when he left his wife and she was 17 yrs old. So he was supposed to stay in an unhappy marriage because his 17yr old got pregnant? He left his wife not his children. There is so much more to this story, you dont have all the information so who are you to judge me or anyone else? Guess what theotherside that means she was having sex with a 40+ yr old man, before the Divorce, before is the key word here. Is there something else that may have affected this child. Yes I think so, could it have been that it was not a happy home before the Divorce? Yes! Im pretty sure it was not a happy place that is why people get divorced. Oh yes and another thing theotherside. I will be married to my husband 4yrs in May of 2007 the 23rd to be exact. So what ever you are trying to say, come on out and say it.

I myself come from a divorced family, and I could sit here all day and blame my parents for the things I may have done wrong, or mistakes I may have made, but there comes a time when you have to grow up and realize you yourself are responsible for your actions, and if you have issues about something your parents did while you were a child then you have to help yourself. I wanted to try and get help for my SD. I do not want to hear bitter people who are miserable and hateful.

To all of the other wonderful people who reasured me that I was doing the right thing for these two little girls that I love as if they were my own. Thank you so much and thanks for letting me vent and get all this off my chest. Some people just get under my skin. But I feel much better thanks tons guys.
Kasey

Of course I suspect that you were involved with your now husband before his divorce, based on the time frames you mentioned. I noticed that you never actually said you weren't. Even if by some chance that were not the case, your husband remarried awfully quickly after the divorce, which is never a good idea - not for him, not for his children, and not even for the person he married.

Divorcing his wife while his daughter is going through such a stressful time is inherently harmful to her. Would you support someone divorcing their spouse while a child was undergoing chemotherapy? Wouldn't it be smarter to wait a year or so, and concentrate on his daughter?

First off there is a world of difference between CANCER and PREGNANCY. That was not very a intelligent comparison. Pregnancy is a choice. It can be prevented. Now cancer on the other hand can not. Do you have a 1st grade education or something.

Hate to make you the only bad guy on this forum, and not that its any of your business, and I really hate to disappoint you but NO I did not have an affair with my husband before he left his first wife. He left her right after christmas of 2002 I meet him in Feburary of 2003. Was he still legaly married? Yes he sure was, show me another seperated person who did not date after being seperated. Oh let me guess it was you. LOL If you have ever been married that is. You should go find something better to do with your time, you are becoming rather boring.

How early my husband and myself got married after his divorce was final is also not your concern. Laws are differnt in every state.

So his daughter does not deserve his concern because the pregnancy was her own fault? What if she someday gets lung cancer because she smokes? Should he not let her chemotherapy get in the way of his life?

Do you agree that it is not normal for a 17 year old to date, much less get pregnant by, a 40 year old man? Something must have been going on with her, and, as a previous poster suggested, the most logical and common reason would be that she was seeking a father figure. It is important for the parents, often with the help of a psychiatrist, to help her figure out why.

Good parents are just as concerned about their minor children when the trouble they are in is their own fault as they would be if it were not.

I stand by my statement that marriage too soon after divorce is a huge mistake. I know many, many people, including myself, who did not date while separated, and I do not know anyone who would advise dating within a couple of months of separating, especially in a long term marriage. I am not even going to address the issue of marrying someone you have known for only 3 months.

People use this forum for advice, not to have someone point the finger at them and accuse them of wrongdoing. Kasey9195 came here with a legitimate concern about her stepdaughter's children. Somehow this thread became that of one individual determining that kasey and the fact that she married someone she loved is the whole problem here. All Kasey would like is some advice. She probably already knows that the best thing to do is to take the kids in, but she needs confirmation. Some have given it to her, another has decided to cast stones. I don't know what your situation is, theotherside, but you certainly don't seem to get the point of the forum. I'm all for "constructive" criticism, but yours is extremely destructive and definitely not what Kasey was looking for. Seems to me that you forgot that there are two small children involved in this issue and Kasey needs to know what to do to help them, she certainly does not need to know how you, and you alone, have decided to judge her.

Oh wow now my SD is dying of cancer??? theotherside you just start making things up. When someone makes you look stupid you come up with something else. Get a life PLEASE.

I feel very sorry for you theotherside, maybe you are screaming for help, and we are all ignoring you. That is why you are so bitter to people around you? Have you been the other woman/man? Did you turn some little childs world upside down? Do you want people to feel as rotten inside as you do becasue you have done something so wrong you can't frogive yourself? Sorry I can't be that one. You should learn to forgive yourself or find a psychiatrist who can help you. Do you have cancer? You like to use that one alot, my husbands Aunt just died from cancer. She found out in July and passed away in October. Such a sad thing to have happen to someone, but she was a wonderful person and loved everyone around her till her last day, she was not angry with anyone for what was going on with her,she was not a mean and ugly person. I guess some people handle life better then others.

Please theotherside share with us your greaf and hurt of how bad you have been in your life, and how you cant forgive yourself for all the hurt you caused some unknowing wife/husband when you were having an affair with their spouse. Share all the hurt you caused the poor innocent children of that situation.

If you read my post carefully, you would of course realize that I didn't say your stepdaughter had cancer - I was describing a hypothetical situation because you stated that your SD's pregnancy was her fault and therefore her father was under no obligation to put her needs at that time before his own wants.

I have no idea why you jumped to such ridiculous conclusions about my life - you couldn't have been more wrong if you had tried.

I came to this website to research the issue of whether children are, on the whole, better off in single parent homes than they are if their custodial parent remarries. You have probably seen recent articles on research supporting this position. (No, I am not writing a book on the topic).

After reading so many posts expressing hatred for the stepchildren and for the biological mother, and seeing so little understanding of the pain and psychological problems that children go through as a result of their parents divorce, I am convinced that the researchers' conclusions were correct.

"I have no idea why you jumped to such ridiculous conclusions about my life - you couldn't have been more wrong if you had tried".

This is your statement from your last post theotherside. You did the same thing to me....... That was my point in my last post. You think you have all the answers, but you are dead wrong.

"because you stated that your SD's pregnancy was her fault and therefore her father was under no obligation to put her needs at that time before his own wants".

this is another one of your statements from your last post. Read back through them all and you will find I never once said it was all her fault,and my husband was under no obligation to his childs needs. She was 17 at the time when she got pregnant. Was my husband to lock her in her room or go with her every place??? At 17 she knows right from wrong and she knows how not to make a baby. If you think my husband walked off and left his daughter when he left her mother. YOU couldnt have been more wrong if YOU TRIED. My husband paid for the insurance that got is daughter through her pregnancy and he was there with her when she had her baby. So get over yourself. You have been wrong from the start about me, my husband and my SD. Just like you CLAIM I was wrong about your life.

I dont hate my stepchildren at all or the bio-Mom. may not agree with some of the things stepchildren may do or the things bio-mom may do, but I will not sit and beat a person down just because I may not agree with them.

I also think there is more psychological problems with children who's parents stay in a bad marriage, then getting out, and I know step-parents can be wonderful for step-children. I had a wonderful step-father, and my husband has been great for my 2 sons. It's all about attitude.

Are you a step-parent?? Do you even have children? Have you ever been married. Do you have any idea what love is at all. You seem like you are so out of touch with life and the people around you. I can not tell you how very sorry I feel for you. I dont think I have ever met anyone as sad as you.

You stated that pregnancy, unlike cancer, is a choice, in response to my question as to whether it would be ok for a man to divorce his wife while his daughter was undergoing chemo. The implication in that statement is that the pregnancy WAS her fault.

Of course I am a parent, and I was married for many years.

I responded to your post originally because, in response to organic_maria who suggested that the divorce may have deeply affected the girl, you said you did not think that was not the case.

Divorce ALWAYS affects children deeply, even in homes where there is a lot of conflict.

I do not believe that excellent fathers divorce their spouses while their children are in crisis - no matter what their age or who is responsible. It is very rare that someone needs to leave right this second - unless the father was being physically abused by his wife. I believe that what the girl needed during her pregnancy was parents who were devoting most of their emotional energy toward her, rather than concentrating on a divorce and/or a new relationship. I have yet to meet anyone, no matter who filed, who did not find the process of divorce after a long term marriage to be emotionally draining.

I believe that excellent parents do not date while they are still married, even in states like mine where it takes a lot longer than a few months to divorce when you have kids.

I believe that excellent parents (and sensible people in general) do not remarry with a matter of months after divorce. I am sure you have read the axiom about 1 year of recovery for every 5 years of marriage. There is a lot of truth to that. Not only the parents, but the children also need time to recover before a stepparent is brought into their lives.

Read organic maria's post again...this is what it said.

"always looking for an older man , and i mean really much older says to me the divorce affected her deeply".

I responded to that statement and that statement only about my husbands divorce affecting SD and the thing with the older men.

Keep your mouth off my husband you say what you want to me, about me,but dont you dare talk about him, and what you may think he may have done wrong.

I dont care what you think about how soon someone should remarry or anything else for that matter. You really have no idea what you are talking about.

Guess we all know why you are divorced? I feel very sorry for your children.

I will not respond to you again. You are a waste of my time and my life is to good to sit around and waste on some BITTER OLD PERSON.

It is unfortunate that you have decided that name calling is appropriate. I have been around long enough and have witnessed enough tragedies that I am fairly certain I do know what I am talking about. Your husband must be somewhere around my age, if his youngest is 21. I hope for your husband's sake that you do not call him "old."

Does anyone else wonder how old theotherside really is & why the screen name is theotherside?

I am in my early 50's, though one could figure that out from my previous post. Surely any moderately intelligent person could deduce the basis of my screen name.

I am resurrecting this post as I stumbled upon it. Interestingly, I found many posts by "theotherside". You have been harassing people for quite some time now, huh. You stated in this thread that your reason for coming on this board was to "research" if children are better off in single parent homes or as step-children. You are still here bashing step-moms 9 months later, so I was just wondering when you were going to have enough research?

BTW...Where is cawfecup? I miss her. Haven't seen any posts in a while.

explanation of my comments of Nov 25:

At the time, I thought tos might be a teen-ager whose parents had divorced.

sorry.

I'm here ... :-)

Being a SAHM with 5 children during the summer I don't get a chance to sit or have any time for myself. Ages 8 to 18.

Ok real reason ....(smiles)

Just tired of having to repeat myself on same issues all the time ...

Fathers are not open wallets for children.

Mothers should not be hailed as saints just because they gave birth.

Children of divorce should not be involved in adult issues ex. Your mother left for your father for another man, She loved alcohol more than she loved your father. Are not things you tell young children.

Children need to be taught how to be an adult coddling bad behavior, results in children who become adults who exhibit bad behavior.

Children are not entitled to anything their parents have or may have in the future. If you as the parent wish to grant it to your child thats fine but they are not "entitled to it". If I am heavily in debt ... are my children "entitled to my debts"?

Yes it sucks he left for the other woman ... he is solely to blame NO... Am I solely to blame NO. We are both to blame. Do I let anger eat at me the rest of my life or do I let it go and try to make myself happy? YES

Once a man becomes a father he should only find happiness in his children he should never enjoy the company of an adult again.

Cawfecup...please do not let a "couple" of posters discourage you from posting. I appreciate your candor and wisdom and love reading what you have to say. Don't let a few bad apples spoil the bunch.

I agree with lafevem, Cawfecup please don't let TOS or just a few of the others bring you down. Take what they say with a grain of salt and do what you know is right. There are all kinds in this world and some are not as kind as others. Keep posting.