need help dealing with my husband's death

20 years ago

My husband died Jan.3,2006 I am so at a loss on dealing with everything...and feel like I'm lost....I have not been on my computer till now..I know I need help..but he has always been everything I've needed....it's funny how two people can build build a life around each other to lose intrest in past friends...I am really alone and so frighten.

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sassyk54

15 years ago

I lost my husband April 2010, it seems like yesterday. We were married in las vegas 16 yrs ago. We would frequent Las Vegas for memory sake. I was lucky to go the month before he died. I am so lost. There isnt a day goes by i cry, think of him or pray he hears me. People tell me its time to move on. I cant! I have never met a person who i can relate to so much and have so much in common. We would even sit and watch the three stooges together. We both loved humor immensely. He was a terrific singer in a rock band since he was 17. He was 55 when he passed. Im blessed to have some of his music on cd's., and a couple of Vhs tapes to watch him perform. I dont know what more to say on here. It was a sudden death, cutting the grass and a heart attack. I felt helpless trying to save him, it didnt work. Somehow i blame myself why i couldnt save him. I just miss him so much. Its very lonely, even though i have my adult son living with me, its not the same of cuddling at night or special times with each other. I know i should probably go seek some kind of support group, but i dont have the energy or will to go. How can i be in denial for so long? Thanks for listening

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Comments (26)

alisande
20 years ago
Teaj, your loss is VERY fresh right now. Do you have children? Any family at all? Friends? Church? I urge you to reach out to whomever is there for you.

Grief counseling sounds like an excellent idea, too. Find someone with experience in this field.

No doubt you'll have practical matters to deal with--involving finances, taxes, insurance, etc. You may find that hard as these things might be, focusing on them keeps you going...one foot in front of the other, until you can do it on your own.

Was your husband's death sudden? Talk to us about him, and about what happened.

Susan
lulie___wayne
20 years ago
I'm so very sorry about the loss of your dear husband. I can certainly understand what you must be going through, although I have not lost my husband, yet. I'm sure that I will feel the same way as you if I lost him.
I would suggest turning to friends at a church if you don't have close friends or family nearby. There are so many good people in this world who would be so happy to comfort you in any way that they can.
I have a good friend who lost her husband very suddenly not even two weeks ago. I will tell her about the site and maybe you two and the others who have lost spouses can all help each other via email or the forum.
I wish you all of my heartfelt sympathy.
Lu

Here is a link that might be useful: Christin Cosby Memorial Web Site
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I totally understand your situation, but I do want to ask about his "growing up" time. Was he raised in a family without a lot of stable conditions? By that, I mean "of the same" or "not normal conditions, should I say? My husband too was brought up in a "not so good environment, and he's #4 of 8 children, and it was a rough up-bringing for them all to some degree. Some areas affected some more than others, but this being said, does help to know the basis of the stem. Most of the 7 children (as 1 did die at the age of 18 in 1990) are on anti-depression medication, and have been diagnogsed as bi-polar, or something of similair. I've been married to the love of my life for 27 yrs this Oct. and let me tell you the last 3 haven't been fun at all. Most of the marriage has had it's times, but, it's like in full force now with the anger. In fact we've really fallen apart bad a few times lately, but we're starting counseling and marriage classes with a christian church this Friday. It's going to be ongoing. I just know it will. But I see you're stuggle, and you're doing the right thing by researching, and reaching out for advise or anything that may work. I've been there for quite some time, and you may want to google....Passive Aggressive. It sounds like you're really in a relationship with a husband with that condition. There's no cure, but it helps by you understanding. And not calling him out on it, as I knew I couldn't either as I don't have a degree to do so, but maybe even baby steps to help him see what he's actually doing. That's been my husband's problerm, and a passive agressive person always blames YOU! for everything. Even if it's black and white plain as day, and you had nothing to do with it, but it's you're fault and it will come down on your shoulders. Look it up, and not just one site, but many to fully understand, and let me know your thoughts. I'm the type that I believe I can fix anything, and i've been scared on this, even though i'm giving my best effort, but I can't throw this away until I know I've tried and down all that I can do. Sex, was getting scarce for a couple years, but i've even got that back to a couple times a week now. Awesome on that, until we argue, and then it just seems that he must take it to the extreme, and it doesn't stop until I take the larger part of the blame and reconcile. Just not what I intend to do for the rest of my life. I am 46 and he is 49, and we've just got to make this work, or else. 3 children, all grown and moved out, so that's a struggle also I'm thjinking, but it stems from his passive aggressive behavior and upbringing in such a passive household. Good Luck, and keep me posted
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eleonora
20 years ago
Dear, teaj! Send me email to norarock@usa.com we can talk if you need this. Im 43 and tomorrow it will be 6 months already since the grief came into my life... Nora
sharlee
20 years ago
teaj,
It's so good you are connecting with us now. Glad to see eleonora on the site as she will be able to share her heart.

My husband had died after many years with kidney failure, but his dying was still a shock. This was 7 yrs ago & each time I happen to look at the clock & see that's 11:11 I say Hi to him as it was his "favorite" time. May sound silly & yet these kinds of memories do come.
After a month I did begin grief counseling through the hospital he had been in. I was told I was coming into the group too soon & yet the timing was right for me. Met some nice people to connect with & that really helped. If you are beginning to feel the time is good for you that would be my suggestion.
Keep coming back & God Bless You!
Sharlee
mouse47
19 years ago
Hi teaj,
I UNDERSTAND your Pian!!!!!!!!!!
I too lost my husband of 23 years on August 10, 2006. He was diagnosised May 15, 2006 with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer with mestasis to the liver and spine.
He went from 188 lbs. to 132 lbs. in less than 3 months.
It hurts so bad NO words can desribe the pain and lonliness.
My youngest daughter (19) lives with me,and is WONDERFUL, but it is NOT the same.
If you need to talk send me an email!
rosajoe_gw
19 years ago
The passing of friends and familiy are so hard, even when I have known the person was in so much pain that it was time for them to rest, it was still so hard. I lost someone so very close to me when we were both 19, everyone kept saying 'you have to be strong for so and so' so I kept everything inside. Don't do that, it is not good for you and it will come out eventually. Talk about your pain, you have a right to grieve.
My husband volunteers for hospice and I hope everyone takes advantage of this WONDERFUL organization. They also have grief counseling. Please force yourself to get involved and find a hobby, volunteer, and find a support group. There are so many good, gentle, caring people in the world that will help.
God bless us all.
Rosa
annalynn
19 years ago
Teaj, I know just how you feel. I lost my husband June 25,2006. I am just now coming out of the fog I have been leaving in. I think I prefered the fog. Your whole life has changed. Every dream, every plan and thought is no longer valid. You feel confused, without direction. You don't truly have control of your emotions or the tears. What I do know is althought it is hard, it is normal to feel all of this and so much more. The Lord has gotten me this far and I know He'll help me take those next steps. I'll pray for you and I would love to talk with you. You feel alone but know you are not alone. AnnaLynn
oakleif
19 years ago
Teaj, The first thing i'd like to say to you is..."It will get better." At my husbands funeral my paster took me aside and said i want you to remember this and repeat it to any widow you meet. Tho it does'nt seem possible now. It will get better.
I lost my husband of 48 yrs. 3 yrs. ago. I still miss him so very much,We were a matched set
and i look forward to the day we'll be together again.But i am much better and am finding interest in my flowers,computer,my 2 dogs have been a godsend. I did go to greif counceling. It help so much to talk about it even with the tears streaming down,especially with the tears streaming,they are healing.
Someday you will be able just to feel lucky that you knew the person who was your husband.
I would love so much to hug you, so consider yourself hugged. : )
It Will Get Better.
Vickie
wshanon
19 years ago
My husband died 3 months ago of cancer. He was 37 and I am 35. We have a 12 year old son. Sometimes its so hard to think of going on without him. I miss him so much it feels like my soul has been ripped out. I just wish I were older so I didn't have to face so many years without him.
crystal153
19 years ago
Wshanon, I'm so sorry to read of your husband's passing. While it still hurts so much, the advice given above, "it will get better", is very true. Please stay strong and pray for the sake of your son. I will keep you in my prayers. Xo
heartbroken_2007
18 years ago
Did anyone see my message for Mike at heartbroken_2007
sylviatexas1
18 years ago
heartbroken, I'm sure there will be more responses;
Saturdays are often "slow" on the forums, & it's a big shopping week-end, too.
Hang in there.
heartbroken_2007
18 years ago
My husband death is so hard to accept, I don't think I will ever get through this , I keep waiting for him to come through the door or call me. I love him so much. The house is so empty without him. I hate the hoildays and feel bad because he loved them so.
growlove
17 years ago
I lost my wonderful husband of 56 years in 2007 after 2 years of caretaking with the help hospice. Went from 137 down to 95 pounds and am still there. The grief was so deep, I didn't want to wake up in the morning and never thought I would be better. We had two acres of land, flowers and gardens that we tended together all those years. My home was my safe haven and others kept telling me I had to get out and see people, but I just couldn't. Wonderful books on grief helped me and the hospice grief couselor visited for a year though only if I wanted her to. She reminded me everyone grieves differently so don't let others tell you what you should be doing. I also wrote my husband a letter in my journal and promised I would try my best to go on without him because he would want that. My flowers have been my salvation and I feel his presence as i walk among them. I don't think we ever get over the loss, but I now thank God for the blessing of having him in my life for 56 years. I once told my daughter I have nothing to live for and suddenly realized how unfair that was since she had lost a Father she adored and now had to hear this from her Mom. I never though I would get better, but God is working with me as I realize the blessing I had. Though I would take him back and do the caretaking all over again, I wouldn't wish him to go through the suffering again. He is at peace and some day we will meet again. No one can tell you how you should feel or what you should do, but know this, those of us who have experienced it, feel your pain and would love to hold you close and make it better. My heart goes out to you. God bless and comfort you. Mary
chpmt1_aol_com
15 years ago
My sweetheart Tony Chapman of 21 years went home to be with The Lord on Dec 23 Thursday at 10:30. I miss him sooooo bad. He was the Love of my life, and my best friend. He was 57 years old. I don't know what I'm going to do without him in my life.
vrbowman_suddenlink_net
15 years ago
I lost my wonderful husband of 37 years on August 8, 2010. The pain that I feel is unsurmountable. I feel that my whole life died that day. He was all alone. He hadn't been sick at all and was in fairly good shape.

My sisters and I had been on our annual camping trip our granchildren for a week at a state park. I had talked to my husband several times that week. I tried to call the evening before our departure but no answer.

The next day on our way home I received a phone call from my oldest grand-daughter. She said she couldn't find her PaPaw in the house. She said the door was unlocked and he was no where to be found. I told her to check the bathroom. He was laying in the bathroom floor. He died of a heart attack. He had been there for at least over-night.

I truly believe God sent a person there to find him before I came home. He knew that I could not had survived the shock of finding him myself. The loss I feel is one that is not explainable. The emptiness I feel is undescriable. Will it ever get better?
marc_wmarcwatts_com
15 years ago
Many, many heartfelt blessings go out to all of you. I know what it feels like when someone so dear to you passes away. It can be a very traumatic experience. But it can and will get better; when you are ready.

Many continued blessings,
W. Marc Watts

Here is a link that might be useful: Done With Grief
claudehdg_comcast_net
15 years ago
I am so sorry for your loss. I know that is such a cliche. My husband of 44 years died in December and I had to watch the life leave the eyes I had looked into for most of my life. I ache for you dear, because I know words and kindness may not necessarily help right now. I feel as if I died that day and only my body is still here on earth. I pray you will find peace and comfort and reach out to those you trust with your fragile heart . I can't seem to find my peace and pray I will some how carry on.
mav63_2007
15 years ago
Lily,
I am so sorry for your loss and pain. I know those exact feeling and it will take a lot of time but you will join the world again some time, not as it was but you will learn to live in your new world.
God Bless,
deaket_sympatico_ca
15 years ago
Wow
Found this site. I understand completely. My husband passed away may 2nd. I can't believe it. We had so many plans. Our 21 year old son and 15 year old daughter are amazing. Their tribute to their dad was hearbreaking to say the least. He is so proud of them. The hardest part is hearing about him in past tense terms. I know time heals but it is going by so slow now.
ceciliasrequest_yahoo_com
15 years ago
I know about the grieving process. I feel for everyone's loss. It has been 4 weeks since I lost my husband 5/15/11. We were together since I was 16. Almost 26 years together. I don't even want to learn how to live without him. I will somehow, for the sake of her 2 girls and grandson. Especially our 17 year old who has 1 year of high school left. He should be her to see her graduate.

But it actually pisses me off that he is in heaven with our 1st grandson. They both died in my bed. Yet I still sleep in it, with medication. w/o it I would NEVER be able to sleep, except for falling asleep on computer or watching TV.
I am physically limited due to neuropathy. Everyone says they are here to help you after the death. Do you think anyone has helped me with anything? (1 person, because my 22 year old made him use the weed eater on my 6 foot tall grass in back yard.) Riding mower needs a belt put on. No one has come to help with that.

I'm just so sad, mad, tired, hurt, etc. I can't focus on anything. At 4 weeks I feel I should be able to deal a little better. I only can when I put on that fake outward appearance. Inside I am crumbling.
cjulienford_hotmail_com
15 years ago
I don't know what to do too. My man passed away 3 months ago. I feel like everyone else is driving down one street and I'm on a totaly different one.Do you feel that way too? I have always been the strong one to my friends and family but I think I am in over my head this time. He was only really sick for about 2 weeks in March. I forgot to pay the registration tags, got pulled over 2 weeks ago and was cited. All I wanted to do was to take the death certificate in to show the judge that my head was somewhere else that month. I couldn't keep the tears back just trying to talk to the clerk of courts, I get in the court room with all these people and I slipped out. Scared to death. That has never happened to me before. I go back in again and get the nerve to get before the judge. I don't know how it happened but now it will go to a jury trial! I was too afraid to speak for fear of crying and no experiance in a court room anyway. Do you have things like that happen too? I wish I could help you but I guess there really isn't any way that we can change what happened. Take care.
r_soucy2_comcast_net
15 years ago
How does one go on? I lost my husband on May 15th after he suffered a brain aneurysm on May 13th. We were married nearly 34 years and have a 21 year old son. Having people around and keeping busy helps now, but my downtime is a son of a b (pardon my language). I have been trying to ignore the facts and the longer it goes on the more I realize I cannot ignore his death. I don't know how to live any more. Nothing seems important anymore. When I am by myself I dont know what to do with myself. I am drinking too much when I am alone and I know that is not helping.
It is just so hard not to come home anymore to someone to share the day with.... and of course so much more,
ardz37_yahoo_com
15 years ago
I lost my dear husband in 2006 due to a sudden heart attack. He was 57. I
understand everyone's postings so well. Go to a good support group and
allow friends to help you even if it's just to listen to you tell the good stories of your life or the grief. We loved the Three Stooges, too.

It does get a little better over time. Love is an extraordinary gift from God. I believe that I'll be with him again in the next life. God bless you all.
mav63_2007
15 years ago
My DH passed away on Thanksgiving Day 2006. Grief is a long journey, the longer you are on the journey the easier it gets but the pain is always with you.On a beautful day like today is it is harder to enjoy the beauty because he isn't there to enjoy it with you but your life goes on and the pain isn't as sharp, most of the time. I am thinking that the day the pain goes away is the day I will leave this life to join him again and I know I will be happy on that day.

need help dealing with my husband's death

sassyk54

Comments (26)

alisande

lulie___wayne

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