"Has anyone had this happen to them?"

Not exactly, but sort of. BM tried to control what we did in our house, how much interaction I was allowed to have with 'her' daughter on his time, etc.

"Any advice?"

Your husband needs to grow a backbone or some cajones. Sorry to put it bluntly, it has to fall on him to do something about it. She CANNOT violate a court order and she CANNOT tell him what to do on his time and she CANNOT exclude a stepmom. You are not just his GF, and even if you are, it's up to him to decide if he wants you to be around his child. If BM has a good reason to want you kept away (such as she suspects you are abusive or on drugs or a danger to her child, etc) then she needs to take that to the Judge and the Court will decide if she has a valid concern. She doesn't have ANY more right to make that determination than your husband.

Unless he is willing to continue the way it has, he HAS TO stand up to her and put his foot down. The more he lets her walk all over him (and you) the worse it will get!!!! GUARANTEED.

How long has it been since your DH started seeing his daughter? You mentioned that he had not been involved at all in her life for the first six years.

I am a soon-to-be-step-mom myself (to a 6 yr old boy) so I understand that whole deal but let me also give you a different perspective.

I have my own daughter who is 6, and her father has never even seen her. He lives in a different state, and we have NO contact.

Personally--if contact ever were initiated and he became involved in our DD's life, I would be VERY cautious. And I will say it now--I would be VERY nervous about her forging a relationship with not only him, but also his wife, as well. I know I would have to deal with it--but I would definitely want to do it SLOWLY and make certain it was done with the least amount of emotional impact on my DD.

This little girl---your husband's daughter--is just getting to know her dad, and I do think that needs to be a careful, delicate process. At some point, though, you do need to be brought into the equation, since you are married to her father and want to play a role in his daughter's life.

did the courts give you any idea of how to go about that? Counseling? Are any overnight visits arranged at your house?

Ima is right, when the little girl is with her father, the BM can't really prevent you from being around and you are right, you DO need to have a relationship with her. Your husband needs to say that, and he needs to not let BM get away with skipping visitations, etc.

Suddenly forging a relationship with a previously absent parent is a BIG THING for a child, and I think all THREE of you (dad, mom, and you) need to be REALLY careful how you go about things.

Where was dad for the past 6 years? Even if BM severed all contact why didn't dad pursue a court order for visitation back then? don't get me wrong i think its great he wants to try and repair his relationship with his daughter now but come on 6 years of being absent??

On another note Dad's time is Dads time and you are married to him so I don't think it is BM business whether you are there or not. just my two cents.

I'm with Ima and LH.
DH needs to stand up for himself, his daughter and for you.
BM is likely feeling a little insecure - she hasn't shared her daughter with anyone for six years, and now is sharing her with Dad and SM. She probably worries that she could be "replaced"... but the fact is that she can't be replaced so she needs to accept that what's best for her daughter is to have many people who love her and want to be part of her support system.

I can understand mom's trepidation, but it's true - she can use that 'trepidation' as an excuse to walk all over dad and the court order until someone stops her . . . and your husband is the only one who can do that. Time for him to man up, and fast.

My son first met his father when he was 4 years old. I tried to fight him getting any visitation but was told if I didn't cooperate, I could lose custody. He had a few 'supervised' visits for them to get acquainted and then a few day visits and eventually, overnight. And his father was married to a woman that hated me and harassed me. I had several restraining orders against her for threatening me. I once refused to let my son go because he cried that he didn't want to go. His father came with the police and I was told if I refused to let him go, they would arrest me. I told the officers that he was crying, he doesn't want to go. They took my son, crying and ten minutes later, the officer came back and assured me he had stopped crying once he was buckled in his father's car. (at the time, I didn't know that it was not uncommon for kids to act that way at an exchange and my behavior was part of the reason he cried)

It was hard. Not only had I not shared him for four years, I had to hand over my son to the person that violated me. Talk about not trusting the other parent. But, now it's 17 years later and looking back, my fears were about what he did to me, and that doesn't necessarily translate into how he would treat my son. I guess what I'm saying is that a guy can be a terrible husband/boyfriend but still be a good parent. (I will probably never say my son's father was a good parent but my son says he was. I don't agree with some of the things he taught my son or his lifestyle, but then he never tried to tell me how to live my life or raise my son)

In the OP's case, BM chose to have a baby with him. I agree he should have tried to be in the child's life sooner, but he's there now and she should encourage the relationship, not make it more difficult for her child.

The way I read the situation, the parents were never married, and there is no court order for visitation yet, that the order is just being established now?

If there is no court order, then she doesnt have to let your husband see the kid at all. I know thats not fair, but thats the legality of it. It will probably backfire on her when all this goes to court, but in the meantime, its going to make it miserable for dad.

On the other hand if there is a court order, and she breaks it, document the times, collect the evidence that she broke it, and file contempt charges on her. Often, even the threat of a contemp charge gets BM to smarten up.

She has no right to tell dad what to do, or who he can be with when he has the children. She may have to learn that the hard way through the courts.