Hi live is so hard for kids now days, and so much harder for SC, sounds like your husband is jealous of your daughter, do you readly think if he hasnt changed in five years that the next five is going to be any better, I am sure things didnt get this way over night, its hard to watch your children be unhappy at the hands of someone who you thought would try to make a family life for you and your child and give to your children what they have missed out on, sounds like your daughter readly wants approval from your husband, girls need a father figure at that age, my boys father died when they were one and three I remarried and had a daughter, my boys were everything to him untill my daughter was borned then they were nothing, her father also died when she was eleven I searched in every man I went out with for someone who would be some kind of father to my children, they wanted a family life so bad, sometimes we can,t give our children the one thing they want most, I remarried a couple years ago to a man with children of his own, my children are grown with children of there own, I thought he would be a father figure to my children and grandchildren, guess that conection must be borned with your kids cause I sure havent found it, we do everything for his kids and nothing much but maybe a sunday dinner for mine, good luck to you, I hope you make the right choice for all of you.

Have you tried talking to your husband? I know it is hard sometimes to talk about these types of things because it comes out sounding like you are scolding them, but it is worth a try. Try telling him about what your daughter needs from him, not material things, but love and acceptance. These don't cost anything but they seem to be the hardest thing for people to give. I feel for your and your daughter and the situation you are in. Good Luck.

Our daughter is about to turn 17. If anyone every tried to dictate my relationship with either of my children , I would tell them where to go!!! It almost sounds asi if you are trying to make excuses why you are treating her as you should. Sorry - that guy would be out the window (door is too good for him) if he ever interfered with my being amother to my children. This is a very important time for children. They are so vulnerable in their teens. Don't think they don't feel the animosity. They are crying in silence for fear of hurting the ones that should be sticking up for them.

Please set your husband strait or leave him. Your poor daughter has nowhere else to go and she can't help but love you but she will be angry with you for the rest of her life, and you will deserve it, if you don't change things for her right away. You need to sit down with him tonight and tell him that things WILL change NOW or he will be gone. Make him go to a good therapist, frequently, to explore why he is such an unhappy person that he would torture an innocent girl, and make him change his behavior right away.

Thanks for your comments, I don`t feel that i make excuses for my husbands`s behavior and I always side with my daughter when I feel she is being picked on. I would love to take my daughter and just leave, but unless you have been in a similar situation you cannot realise how differcult that is financially and emotinally.

My daughter loves her home,it would be a terrible wrench to leave and settle elsewhere for her. I would do it gladley but she has been thru this once before and i feel quilty doing it to her again.I feel i cannot win what ever i do she will be unhappy, i feel totally to blame as i brought this man into her life.

I just keep hoping he will change he did see a counceller and it helped for a while but he has now gone back to his old ways again. Has anyone beenin a similar situation please help

I would question how much your daughter loves her home. I don't think it's possible to be happy and comfortable with your home when you have this person who is so mean to you. I lived with a step father for 9 years that I just couldn't please. He controlled everything my brother and I did or said and my mother had no say in anything and we were her kids! I also dealt with the mean girlfriends that my father dated who didn't want us around...they seemed to have thought that the fact that he had kids would just go away. It was unpleasant and uncomfortable. We would go to our father's to get away from our step father and then be ready to come home because of my Dad's girlfriends! The thing parents don't realize is kids really don't give a crap about the house, the clothes and other stuff when it all comes down to it. That stuff doesn't mean a thing if you're living in a nice home where you feel loved and cared for. Kids would rather leave stuff behind and go without than live somewhere where they don't feel wanted or loved. Your daughter will end up resenting you as abused or mistreated child do when they become adults. She will question why you just stayed there and allowed your husband to treat her the way he does. Sticking up for her isn't enough and I don't know how you're happy with a person you have to constantly fight with about how he treats your daughter! A talk is a must and I would put my foot down and do it good. It's something that should have been done years ago. You don't know what you're doing to your daughter's self esteem and other things and it will effect her the rest of her life.

I had a brief second marriage to a man who just depised my oldest son. His kids and I got along just great, my kids got along with his kids and visa versa. For some reason he had a thing against my oldest. He even suggest that I rent an apartment for him (he had just turned 17) He blamed this kid for everything. Called my sons grandparents (the kids father's parents) and told them my son was in a gang,involved with drugs, had been expelled from school and bunch of other horrible stuff that was not even true. I guess he thought they would take him to live with them. After 1 year of holy hell, I left. He said I left him because of my son, he doesn't even realize that I left because he was an idiot. Looking back, I wish I would have left sooner. Like the first time he expressed disgust towards my son. Please don't let your daughter feel this way. You're very right when you say that she'll never come around once she moves out. Why would she?

ALI- your husband sounds like a typical "Disney" dad, visiting his sons on weekends and lavishing them with all kinds of attention. I would bet that if his sons lived with him, it wouldn't be all rosy with them either. Maybe your DH has a problem showing affection or maybe as mentioned previously, he feels jealousy toward her. Probably the best way to handle it would be to work with your daughter and help her understand that his rejection of her is HIS problem. He sounds as if he is emotionally detached. How does he relate to you?

Hi

Thanks for comments, my husband does not show emotion to me either. My daughter like to say she loves you loads and likes los of cuddles, but he thinks that it is false to show afection to often.

I dont think things would be too good if his kids lived with us as after a while of them being around he gets wound up. Basically my husband acts like a spoilt 2 year old who like to get his own way. I have pretty much made up my mind to leave him. We have a family holiday coming up in two weeks that is all booked and pay for. I am just living each day to get thru until the holiday and when we get back, I will make the break to change my daughters and my life.

Has anybody had to live with there partner while to house is sold which is what we will have to do. Will it be to hard on my daughter, my husband will be nasty i`m sure as he will not want to split up and lose everything. I have been in this situation before and in the end took my daughter and fled because my ex was so nasty. This time I have no choice but to stay until the house is sold. Any comments would be appreciated

Is there any way that you and your daughter can move into a small, cheap apartment for a few months while you wait for the house to sell? Even just a tiny one-bedroom might be a big relief for you, to not have to be around him. You might be able to get a home equity loan against the value of the house before it is sold. If one of you wants to keep the house, you can refinance the mortgage and take cash out against half the value of the home and one person can take the cash and walk away and leave the mortgage in the other person's name. If your husband is the only one who works outside the home, and therefore is able to pay the mortgage himself, that might work for him.

You could also try pricing the house $5,000 or so under its real value in order to sell it quickly. It might be worth it to lose the extra money in favor of getting this over with quickly.

Just some ideas.

I don't know your whole situation of course, but it sounds like you are doing the right thing. Your daughter will thank you for it when she is grown, and know you did it out of love for her, even if things are difficult now. You are very brave and this has to be hard for you.

Don't make your daughter stay in a bad situation that can get even worse if you can help it. I would try to find another soulution or even send her to stay with someone else maybe.

I had to put up with a mad step father after my mother said it was over and she was leaving. She told him in Jan. and we stayed there until school let out in June and I graduated. My mother worked many hours and was always off doing something to avoid him. He was nice to my brother but a total jerk to me. I had MANY fights with him and he once chased me around the house threatening to hit me. I believe the fights happened because Mom wasn't there and he thought I was feeding her ideas to get her to leave or something. It was VERY unpleasant. At that time I would have much rather moved into some small apartment and helped my mother pay the bills from my part time job than to put up with that man. My Mom never understood that or saw that. She was too afraid we'd miss our happy home to realize we weren't comfortable in our own house.

~Leslie~

Don't put a man before your own flesh and blood. I can't understand women who do that. If any man treated my daughter like that, he would be in the trash compactor. You owe it to your daughter to LEAVE this man and make a home for her. I suspect he was mean to her before you were married and you ignored it hoping he would change. Guess what? He won't change.

Remember, your daughter's well-being is the most important thing here. She needs to know that you put her first. This could affect your relationship with her for the forseeable future if you don't do the right thing.

I wish my mom would leave my SD..he's a freak and most SPs are.

Ali,
My daughter and only child is my primary concern. She's now 18 and just fine. I divorced her dad 13 yrs ago. When I did get back to dating it was known from the beginning she was my main and only concern!! I dated this one guy briefly who she could not stand, she was about 8yrs old.
He was not ugly to her or anything, just a personality conflict. We still laugh about him!! Kids can just sense good and bad in people.
But why on earth would you put a man before a minor child who needs her mom during such FORMATIVE years!!!
What are you teaching and showing your daughter from your example??
Why are you staying with a man who not only disrespects your flesh and blood, but you???
If he loves you, he would love your daughter, unconditionally, as she is your child!!
I guess I was selective when I did remarry and did not chose the first one that came along. Been married for over 7yrs and we ALL could not be happier!!
You and your daughter deserve better, much!!!!!

NOt all men are like that, there are a few out there who will love you and your daughter unconditionally. Apparently this man isn't, and wasn't in the beginning, but don't beat yourself up for being blind. It happens to the best of us. Start looking for an efficiency apartment, it'll hurt for a while, paying 100-150(been a while it could be more) a week for a one room hole, but at least your daughter will finally feel AT HOME. DO NOT STAY IN THAT HOUSE after you tell him your leaving. It'll get real ugly, between u two, and your daughter. Or ask a friend, or family member if you can stay with them for a few months until the house sells. There's always a way, u just have to be willing to find it. I feel for you, I have been there, only with my childrens bio-dad. My daughter was 1 1/2 and petrified of him. I was pregnant with my son when I left, and he's never seen him. They're step-dad is their DAD. He has raised them as if they were his own, so they are out there, have faith, and stay STRONG.

Can you get help at the local mental health services and get respite for your daughter or find someone to take her part time? It worked for my situation. My prayers are going out to you right now and to your daugher. I know you love her so much!

Remember always that your kids will always be your kids, don't ever push them away for a man. Men can come and go but not kids. If he's not the father of your daughters and he can't accept them then you shouldn't be with him. Yeah they might be spoiled but they will always be your kids and you should treat them the way you wish!!!! No man should come between you and your kids. And if he's acting they way he is with them then he's just a jerk. He knew you had kids if that was a problem in the beginning he should have thought twice about it.

I went through that with my dad. He always rejected me, and it has hurt me more than anyone will ever no. I believe you should tell him to straighten up or you will leave. I love my mom, but I also am hurt by her for not leaving him for me. Good Luck
I hope he comes around, but put your daughter first.

I am a stepfather of an 8 year old girl who's father is still alive and has visitation. I love her as if she were my own. I do not try to "replace" her father because she already has one and this would be awkward for her and push her away from me.
Now, if I married a woman who's daughters father was dead, I would replace that father in her life and let her know that it's o.k. to call me "Daddy".
Sounds to me like you are married to an emotionally bankrupt **shole that doesn't deserve you or your daughter.

"emotionally bankrupt **shole that doesn't deserve you or your daughter".

AMEN

I've been around that type before. They don't change, they actually like to act like that and treat you and your child that way. Trust me on this one. They are miserable, unhappy sots who only want to make you and your child miserable and unhappy sots. They can't exhibit love and you cannot change him because he likes how he is.

Good luck, having been in a situation similar to yours I can relate. And as Mikella points out, there are men out there who will treat your daughter (and you) the way you deserve to be treated (nice!). I found one now who calls me and my daughter his "two princesses". That is much better than being called the B word or a "thing" as he so eloquently once put it.

- darkeyedgirl

I haven't read all of these messages. But I have to tell you that I grew up in a home where my step father treated us like DIRT! Kids were to be seen and not heard! That was his favorite line! At 16 I was ready to move out on my own. Life was horrible. I got NOTHING- yelled at, told I was lazy- you name it. I had to buy my own school clothes my own everything. He controlled the whole household.
I never got a kind word spoken to me, never a praise, never a pat on the back. No help for college. NOTHING....

He had his own two kids, to this day he still supports them. They are both lossers. But those two kids got anything they every wanted.

I didn't want much REALLY As hoaky as it sounds, I just wanted a dad! Someone I could call dad again- not Phil. I was about 12- had lost my dad two years previous. I missed my dad- I missed my family- we moved out of state. It was a sad childhood.

My mom was the calming force. She kept the peace. But it wasn't enough. The constant stress from the day to day living with this man.
I stayed out of the house as much as possible. I had a horse. I rode for hours. When that wasn't enough I found a boyfriend. At a very young age I became more 'involved' with my boyfriend then I should have. I worked, anything not to be home.
I HATED it!

As an adult I would wait for the man I was dating to turn into Phil. See, he wasn't always like he was when my mom married him. He was actually one of the nicest men I had ever met. Until the vows were exchanged.

We weren't bad kids. We accepted him. He never could or would for us.

I can't stress enough what your doing to your daughter. SHE WILL NEVER forget this. You are destroying her piece by piece. My advice is to leave this man. You will get over the loss- she just might never get over what he is doing to her!

I know this man your married! Not in the literal sense, but I LIVED THIS...... I still think about my 'lost' childhood from time to time.
But you know what, I BEAT him.... I'm succesfull! I'm happily married with two kids. I have a wonderfull relationship with my mom and brother. And my husband is NOTHING LIKE HIM!

My mom left him about 6 years ago. Sad it took that long.

My brother who was younger then me, lived with him from a small boy up. I see the horrible traits of Phil in my brother. My brother grew up thinking he was dumb. He drifted from job to job. NEVER a harder worker, but he had trouble reading and writing. So he'd drop the job as soon as more responsiblity was sent his way. It was sad....
He's just recently regained some of his self esteem. He's 29 years old! Took him all this time. He's found his place in life. So have I!

Guess what! I can even eat food in my living room LOL.... So can my kids..

I'm sorry if this is harsh and I'm sorry it most likely didn't make sense.
If it helps your 16 year old daughter then I'll sleep better at night....
HUGS to you and your daughter.
Kristi

My husband is the same waynezcept hes sometimes nice ti my dsughter so we ended up staying married for 16 years when we tried to leave he acted like he wanted to commit suicide etc to stop us he promised he will live gis life naking up for his evil attitude and words now my dsughter is married and her husnand and herself are moving from their studio to a house so they stayed with us for three weeks and he is back to be nasty i cannot forgive him for doing that again after he promised so im going to go to a lawyer now ill get as mich as i can and leave the evil lier those men deserve to burn in hell to make innocent kids cry my husband told my son in law while no one is around he hope baby won't turn gay

he said to my daughter her husband is fat then he called my daughter stupid because baby peed on her three times at night evil evil man there is no medicine and recoverynor rehabikitation for that thoe of men so leave now get the lawyer dont waste your time and dont traumatise your daughter even more she will look for love in demented men if you dont man up and progect her from this psychological abuse this is a form of abuse