stepdaughter won't stop trying to ruin my marriage

10 years ago

I have been with my husband for seven years now, and married to him for 3.5 years. Most of that time his daughter (now 16 years old) has hated me, been jealous of me, tried to sabotage our relationship, lied about me, been manipulative with me and my husband, and been really really mean to my daughter (now 8 years old). She tells my husband that I do things like scream at her and tell her she is stupid, which I have never done. I have gone out of my way to be good to her, and to help her. She consistently does things to hurt me, and when I bring it up with my husband, he gets mad at me. He says "all teenagers are like that" and "it is perfectly normal". I have gone to counseling by myself and with my husband. My stepdaughter is also in counseling, but the counselor says that she just needs time to fix her relationship with her dad. The behavior is getting worse. I don't know how much more I can take. I am so sad, because my daughter knows that I am sad and tells me she wants to leave, but this is the only family she knows. I love my husband, but he does not see that he always takes her side. He tells me he "does not want to be put in the middle", and that I should go talk to my stepdaughter. I have asked her A LOT to stop lying. But the more she sees that her behavior upsets me, the more she does it. I am also doing EMDR therapy to help me forgive them, but something new happens every day that I need to forgive again. Do I stay in this situation, knowing that she will continue to try to make me miserable? It has been 7 years now.

Featured Answer

catlettuce

10 years ago

I'm with Colleen. I don't see what you could possibly be getting out of this relationship.

Counseling is great but how come you are the only one sacrificing here? What message does this send to your little one? Sacrifice yourself and your happiness for a man.

Screw that. Show her a strong Momma. I would not even acknowledge this SD and I would leave all of her care and parenting to her father.While you sort through and decide if this is how you want to live.

I wish I had learned to disengage years ago, but I will tell you it is freeing. If I knew then what I know now I would have left. I had years and years of this treatment. The only solution is to not tolerate it.

And your DH doesn't want to be put in the middle? There should be no middle-he should have your back. Period.

~Cat

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Comments (10)

colleenoz
10 years ago
If it's been seven years and your husband still doesn't take your part, when do you think he might? Frankly I'm surprised you even married him after 3 1/2 years of such treatment.

Is this guy such a great prize he's worth all this aggro and disrespect? Clearly he's not going to attempt to curb his daughter's behaviour if he think "all teenagers do that".

Is he worth teaching your daughter it's OK to stay in a miserable relationship because that's all you can hope for?

Even if a "family" with a sad Mom and a manipulative stepsister is the only one your daughter has known, why do you think that's OK for her?

I can't help but feel that one day you will pull the plug, then turn around and wonder why the heck you didn't do it sooner.

IMO, if you can't face this situation any longer, you need to sit down with your husband and tell him, "You know, I'm really not happy with things as they are. I am not going to continue like this. If things do not change, and you do not actively work at making them change, then I am out of here." And follow through.
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Rach01-- I disagree on the "selfish" part, but it's more a matter of semantics than the essence of the point you're making, which I do at least want to agree with. Im not writing this to be picky for no reason, just that I think the distinctions are really important. If we take away the heavily-loaded judgmental connotation of the word "selfish" and look at it just factually, then it's easier to acknowledge that wanting to be somebody's "first and only" IS, in fact, selfish. Because it is a desire inherently and explicitly about wanting to be the ONLY self that matters in a situation where there are other ÂselvesÂ to consider. Just like when I want to be the only one at the birthday party to eat all of the super-delicious cake, it is selfish. Or when I want my boyfriend to think I'm the only attractive woman in the room (no: the world!) and never even glance at another woman, it is selfish. It doesn't mean I'm a horrible evil person for wanting these things, or that my desires are abnormal, but it must be acknowledged that these desires are in fact selfish. That has to be admitted not so I can sit around stewing in guilt for having these desires, but to be able to see them with realism and fairness and to make appropriate decisions based on that awareness and keep things in perspective. For example, it is just not realistic or fair that ONE person at a birthday party full of people should have ALL the cake (especially, of course, when it's not even your birthday party to begin with, but even when it is). It is not realistic or fair to expect that my boyfriend would never so much as notice another attractive woman. I may wish like hell that I could have all the cake (and I DO luv cake) and it may be acutely uncomfortable to know that my boyfriend finds another woman attractive. Still, it is reality that there are other people in the world, and other people in the given situation, and this requires active adjustment in not only behavior but thinking. Namely that you are not the only person in the world, or in the situation, and you just can't pretend you are, or spend too much time wishing you were, or you will have problems. The problem with the line of thinking "it's not selfish and there's nothing wrong with wishing your stepkids didn't exist" is that it's not a totally accurate statement and it divests a step-parent of any responsibility for active change; therefore accurate and appropriate decisions can't be made based on it. It comes from an inordinate fear of ever being wrong about anything, but the fact is everyone IS at times wrong about something. (And everyone is at times selfish, too.) And when you're wrong about something, you have to admit it or you will keep making mistakes and having problems. Whether or not you or others judge you harshly as a person about being wrong isnÂt the issue. The fact is, though, that there are many things wrong about wishing the first kids didn't exist. First of all, itÂs not reality: they do exist. Second of all, it easily turns into a bottomless desire; who else are you going to wish didn't exist? The MIL, the husband's whole family, the old friends, all other women and most other men? All of them take at least some small amount of time and attention away from YOU, after all. For every person you wish wasn't in the picture is a person who you will have to forcibly hold at bay, and that is enraging and exhausting, for everyone. Therefore it is a losing proposition, for everyone. Your husband was not born out if thin air and does not go through life completely solo. EVERYONE is a "package deal" because we all have connections to other people. somr of these connections are negotiable, but some aren't. Failure to accept this reality is in fact WRONG. And by "wrong" I don't mean "evil" or attach any moral significance to it (okay, maybe a little); but first and foremost "wrong" simply means "erroneous" and "not gonna help the situation any". The more useful statement to say to a step-parent who wishes they didn't have to share their spouse with step-kids is: "It IS selfish to wish your step-kids didn't exist and there ARE several things wrong with this desire, not least of which that it is impossible to fulfill; it doesn't make you an evil person for having this desire, but it requires active effort on your part to counteract it and adjust, or else you and everyone around you will have problems. Because yes, you do have to share because no, you are not the first and only." Pretty much: what is told (rightly so) to step-kids when they get a new step-parent. I agree with you that the *actions*, *words* and *behaviors* expressed outwardly as a result of the feelings are the most important determinants of whether to judge a person negatively on their selfishness. It doesn't change the fact that their desires ARE selfish but it determines how much harm this goes on to cause. It is a measure of just how far the selfishness is permitted to express itself or even take over the situation, unchallenged and without necessary adjustment. My big thing (which I tend to repeat on here a lot) is try to focus your anger/upset on the person's behavior, not the fact that they have the feelings in the first place. That is, I tend to say that to parents as regards their kids (i.e. bratty *behavior* resulting from *feelings* of fear of loss or feeling replaced.) I admit I don't always think of it this way as regards the behavior vs. feelings of a step-parent (i.e. try not to judge a step-parent harshly for having FEELINGS that they wish the kids didn't exist, but focus your upset on their resulting actions or behavior), but that is true too. If there's any uneven-ness or bias in my thinking on that point (which I'm sure there is), I suppose it is based on three factors: 1. step-parents (or potential step-parents) have a choice as to whether or not to enter the blended family and kids (of any age) do not have the choice as to whether they have a step-parent; 2. it is less reasonable to wish away someone who was in the situation (family) before you were; and 3. step-kids automatically have to adjust ---mentally, emotionally, domestically, financially, logistically---- because you exist; they have to "share" their parent with you, so why shouldn't you have to adjust and share? 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So on the surface level everyone would be getting along swimmingly and even having a blast, but there would be this whole other subterranean universe of resentment boiling under the surface that would exist completely independently and have absolutely no bearing on anything. As long as that surface level of nice and compliant and cooperative outward behavior was maintained, nothing would ever go wrong. But let's face it, we all know that doesn't really happen. At least not for long. Or it happens, like with these Jekyll/Hyde-like John Wayne Gacy personalities who are like the town clown and are completely capable of concealing their feelings 100% but then they go and carve up little boys in their basement. Like, as an ÂoutletÂ, or something. So is it even desirable to feel one way but try to conceal it 100%? Is this an effective long-term strategy? Does it usually lead to good results? In think we should all try to be diplomatic and polite, mutually-respectful, empathetic and considerate as much as possible. But knowing that if, at the end of the day, one or more people in the situation just donÂt want to share or want to be the ONLY one, there will only be so much control of true feelings, all around. I WANT to be able to wholeheartedly agree with what you're saying and in many ways I do, but up to a point. And that's the point that tends to "get" us all. Most of us just CAN'T totally hide our feelings. And if some of us are actually able to, then it tends to be a whole Ânother set of problems, often extremely serious problems. What do we do with the dangling bits?
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Shey02
10 years ago
Again, it seems the more common thing is lack of/disengaged parenting by the actual parent! Your SD is playing a game that she thinks she is winning, the only one that can turn her around is her dad and you disengaging is a start.

I did it and it forced my boyfriend to take the bad behaviour in hand as it was no longer directed at me but at him. So far it's working, I highly recommend it. Other than that, being treated like that in my own home... ? Well, if your DH doesn't start acting like a husband and supporting your relationship, like he valued it, I'd consider leaving.
stepmomofthree
10 years ago
I also dealt with stepchild lying (and a lot of stealing and nastiness to my daughter, who was much younger). The marriage did eventually break down over the stepkids' behaviour. However, it was my husband who left, saying that it was no longer good for his children to have a stepparent who was critical of their behaviour. I was very sad at the time, but things completely turned around in the months that followed our separation. My life, and my daughter's life, improved dramatically, and my husband "drops by" constantly for visits. My daughter and I have a fun and happy home, and I don't blame him for gravitating towards it. It is so nice to live in a home filled with warmth and laughter instead of screaming and tantrums.

My biggest regret now is that I didn't end the marriage sooner to spare my daughter years of living in a house dominated by bad behaviour drama. My daughter is much happier now, and she's loving her calm, happy home. I thought that she would miss the stepkids because she lived with them from age 4, and thought of them as siblings. However, they never contributed anything to the sibling relationship, so she didn't miss them at all.

I know that it is hard to extricate yourself from a family situation that you've invested in. It took me months to come to terms with the fact that my stepfamily hadn't worked out. However, I can't begin to tell you how much better life is without a husband who doesn't care whether you're happy or not, and stepkids who are out of control, and making life miserable for everyone they meet. I used to dread weekends and summers because it meant endless hours of misery. Now I love coming home at the end of the day, and I really look forward to my time off. If you don't, then the time to make a change is now.
sylviatexas1
10 years ago
'My biggest regret now is that I didn't end the marriage sooner to spare my daughter years of living in a house dominated by bad behaviour drama.'

There ya go.

Ironically, when/if you're out of the picture & dad & daughter don't have a scapegoat, I'll bet their dynamics change a lot.

Take care of your daughter, & take care of yourself & have a warm & happy life.
nzmom89
8 years ago
last modified: 8 years ago
Love the comments freedom here I come! been with hubby for 8 1/2 years married for 6years always had lots of patience towards the manipulative and lying situations because she was still a young girl but she almost 14 now and I'm straight up done! I have 3 kids to my hubby and I want to give them a happier and mentally healthier mum she called my family mutts and niggers this week because we would not provide her with cigarettes and alcohol somehow he hated me for it without me even reacting towards her he loves me a tonne load I know that but it's time for me to be happy there's only so much a person can take. After all the years of fighting about it and me reading books or hunting advice or trying overly hard I'm all out of crys and kickbacks I hope it's as cherry as you all make it out to be hold on I know it will be freedom! I just don't think I'll remarry again so my children don't have to go through the same thing. I'm writing this 2 years later since your original post please let me know how things turned Out?
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Julia weber
6 years ago
I know how you feel except I married a man with three kids two 8 years old and one 11 year old daughter from the moment we were married she was needy and all attention from her daddy was hers so much that her brothers were afraid to hold hands with their dad because she controlled him, had a emotional hold. My husband was married to me not his daughter. At the time I didn’t understand it was hard for her share her dad but she came between us and sometimes I wonder if that’s what happened with his first wife expect I don’t allow it to ruin our relationship. I thought she was telling the truth for along time. We started a relationship with my step daughter that I thought was honest but manipulated me in believing in her and she would lie about why she was late after school, she was going to her friends house then homework club and hanging out with a boy that I think started this mess or temptations sexual acts in order to be with boy and kiss boys all I know is because I told her couldn’t date until she 16 she disobeyed and did anyways. She was the one who didn’t want anything to do with her mentally, manipulative mother now she’s apparently been communicating with her for two and half years and has told people I abuse her and control her and cage her up. She tells people these things to get attention her mother played on me and her dad that she better and moving out into apartment and she lied she was still in metal home so her daughter has learned and since then taught her brothers steal and lie and now talk back, her brother have intellectual disabilities on top of that which puts more strain on me as step parent but what changed was when I had baby of my own my husband became a husband in since and he started a better commitment then just bending to his daughters will our baby in Since saved our marriage and my husband also had addictions that She got him started on and it changed once Elizabeth was born he became the man I married if he will. Savannah came between us and we got along but it was difficult road. Our love became stronger and My step daughter sought for attention else where by a guy she became involved with in sex texting and they since he has broken up with her twice and is trying again because I finally gave consent for her to date because she sneaking behind our backs and lying and I knew it was matter of time that she would be pregnant because she was desperate to be with him. He’s not a guy I like but I don’t like secrets and my step daughter also tells our bishop I fight with her and I do not. I used to slap her but I stopped doing that when she called the police over in hope her dad would divorce me and she would have his attention again yes I know one believes me because she’s that good at manipulating people in believing she does nothing but I since learned manipulaters know how to push your buttons to send you over edge. I was already being gaslighted by my step son and I don’t know why but I found since then I tested him and found he has a intellectual mild and a behavioral disorder and I have changed emotionally since he started messing with my mind it’s called gaslighting and now since then I had emotional breakdown and teens used that push my buttons. It’s exhausting, it got worse when I was pregnant because I was more emotional and I didn’t realize I was being gaslighted but my pregnancy changed me I was irritable and emotional and I was tired more from being sick and jaylan stealing and throwing tantrums and kicking me but know one believes me because I’m the parent it’s my fault they act this way. When I came into my marriage I was not only a step parent but I was raising kids who were emotionally abused by their mother and foster care influences and also had disabilities I knew not about our boys except one had epilepsy and the other a learning disability. It was a complete mess and I felt I was teaching them at age 3 and Savannah 5 because they never had rules, responsibility ever and making rules was horrifying to them. Jaylan was angel until third year in spring wood he went off some medication for epilepsy that I didn’t know would arise so many unexpected problems he ether had or developed because of this medication he was on for so long. Jaxson always had emotional problems from the start, things happened in foster care and also his childhood that I could tell made him crazy at times. He use to have tantrums everyday and I worried the d.s.f would take them away after their father fought so hard to keep them my step daughter I thought liked me did not because I made rules in the house. She never had rules even her dad cleaned the house when he was home and took care of the dogs and birds which now he hates animals because ex wanted them. His ex was so depressed and ocd and mentally ill he took care of his has much as he could but in since he was like a single father with three kids and his wife he had taken care of. So when I came into the picture and started changing things my step daughter didn’t want us together anymore and in her mind she believed her daddy can do better or that she liked that her daddy only raise them. If Jesse and I didn’t get married he would’ve lost full custody of his kids and it would’ve destroyed him. Jesse was abused emotionally by his ex and there was definitely manipulation going on ether his ex or his daughter. His boys started learning to lie and steal from their sister and it’s been difficult to break so now everyone my step daughter talks to believes I abuse her and control her and don’t give her privacy but she gets plenty of it and so my husband knows I don’t hurt them. He knows they manipulate me and him but we are their parents and I don’t care if they hate me someone needs to love them and teach them and hopefully later they will see. When I think she’s telling the truth I don’t believe her because she’s kept secrets I found out that make me love her but not trust her.

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VERONICA DUQUE
last year
Gosh is like you are describing my same situation
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Robert Dishong
last year
I am in a marriage of 4 years and it's on the rocks now. My SD will say things like "Dad was mean and drunk all week" (I wasn't, I was stern about getting dishes done and hadn't had a sip of any alcohol). My wife would be gone for the upteenth time this year for a weekly spa retreat. Every time she leaves, I take care of the kids (16yo SD, 15yo SS). Her first husband was a drunk and beat her so her daughter knows that is a hot button and my wife will believe her over me any day.

Also every time she leaves, my SD will come find me and start to bitch about her mother to me. If I deflect, I'm being mean. If I feed into it and agree with whatever she says to shut her up, she tells her mother that I said those things about her.

Needless to say, my wife and her kids are moving out, this very minute, because of the lies this kid has told to her. She even has her brother in on it because she has info on him that would get him in serious trouble with their mother, even me if I knew what it was. I only heard whispers "Well, take my side or I'll tell them".

Everything used to be great. Once she hit puberty, she turned into a lying manipulative person. I try to go to my wife about it and explain that her child is making up bullshit to make her hate me and I get the cold shoulder.

So I, with great glee, I await the next couple of months where I cannot be used as a scapegoat for her nonsense. She won't have anyone to lie about anymore. My wife finally somewhat agrees with me that she's doing it, but doesn't agree that she's driving a wedge between us. I'm really hoping she'll see her daughter for what she is. I love my wife so much, I love both of my step kids just as much. But at this point, I'm upset that because her mom is never around, this kid makes up bullshit drama to try to keep her mother around more often.

This girl attacked her mom twice in one year. Mom says the daugter started it, daughter says the mom started it. I'm stuck in the middle with DHS over it and have to choose a side. I chose the side of the child because I didn't know better, my wife hates me because she spent 7 days in a mental health institution for it, instead of 7 years in prison. Her daughter wanted to press charges. Once she was gone her daughter quickly asked "How much money are we going to have without mom using it all up?" That is the sign of a sociopath, not just an out of control teen.

She is cold, calculating, and knows exactly when to play the victim to take the heat off of her lies.

So, my marriage is on the rocks, I am to live alone for a year while we work on it. Her daughter even tried to say "We don't want him moving to the same town as us." How controlling is that?

All because I gave them a home, plenty of expendable income, and all the love they needed from a father. Just a shame their mother checked out and treated me like a long term babysitter and in doing so caused her daughter to do whatever was needed to make mom be around more often...
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colleenoz
last year
Why didn’t you put some hidden cameras around the house to record what actually happened (or didn’t happen) to prove your case?
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stepdaughter won't stop trying to ruin my marriage

catlettuce

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colleenoz

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