Stop the Toy Takeover by Changing the Way You Think
Make over your approach and get gift givers onboard with your decluttering efforts by providing meaningful toy alternatives
It’s our job as parents to make sure we provide for our kids, and it’s natural to want them to have the best that we can give them. It’s also all too easy to let good intentions get out of control when it comes to what we and everyone else buy and give them. Taking a step back and acknowledging the difference between need and want is difficult when it comes to our children. Not for them. For us!
The hardest truths are ones we don’t want to hear, and the reality is that kids aren’t in charge of what comes into the home — parents are. When a parent says, “My kids have too many toys,” or, “There are toys all over the place,” my question is: Where did they all come from?
The hardest truths are ones we don’t want to hear, and the reality is that kids aren’t in charge of what comes into the home — parents are. When a parent says, “My kids have too many toys,” or, “There are toys all over the place,” my question is: Where did they all come from?
What to Ask for in Lieu of Gifts
One of my clients actually had three train tables! She bought one, and two separate friends gave her two more. Not wanting to seem ungrateful, she accepted them. Her kids didn’t actually need them, and they used them only occasionally to do art projects on. They also did art at the kitchen table, on the floor and outside. With a lot of encouragement, my client was empowered to put two of the train tables on Craigslist, and they sold the very same day. She used the money from the sale to buy gift cards for the movies, because movie watching was something they loved to do as a family. It was the perfect alternative to having unloved objects in their home.
So what do you do about birthdays? In my experience it rarely works to set a no-gifts policy. We’re wired to be gift givers. If you're hosting your child's birthday party, you could include on the invitation a note stating that in lieu of gifts for your child, you'll be collecting new toys for the local shelter and giving them in your child's name. You could have a collection basket at the front door to collect the toys. Your child will have an awesome time at his or her party, eating cake and playing games in the company of friends, regardless of whether or not presents are opened.
Now when it comes to asking a grandparent not to give a gift, it's a whole 'nother ball game. It's like asking them to stop breathing. It’s not possible. You can guide them toward more useful gifts, though, by being open about what your children really need. There are times when someone gets offended. They think you’re depriving your child — or them — of the joy of gift giving and receiving. The opposite is true. You’re actually trying to find unique and special ways to do both.
I often suggest that parents have a conversation with family members to explain that instead of a new build-a-bear outfit, your child would really love a trip to the bookstore. That way people are still giving a gift, but one that creates memories that matter.
One of my clients actually had three train tables! She bought one, and two separate friends gave her two more. Not wanting to seem ungrateful, she accepted them. Her kids didn’t actually need them, and they used them only occasionally to do art projects on. They also did art at the kitchen table, on the floor and outside. With a lot of encouragement, my client was empowered to put two of the train tables on Craigslist, and they sold the very same day. She used the money from the sale to buy gift cards for the movies, because movie watching was something they loved to do as a family. It was the perfect alternative to having unloved objects in their home.
So what do you do about birthdays? In my experience it rarely works to set a no-gifts policy. We’re wired to be gift givers. If you're hosting your child's birthday party, you could include on the invitation a note stating that in lieu of gifts for your child, you'll be collecting new toys for the local shelter and giving them in your child's name. You could have a collection basket at the front door to collect the toys. Your child will have an awesome time at his or her party, eating cake and playing games in the company of friends, regardless of whether or not presents are opened.
Now when it comes to asking a grandparent not to give a gift, it's a whole 'nother ball game. It's like asking them to stop breathing. It’s not possible. You can guide them toward more useful gifts, though, by being open about what your children really need. There are times when someone gets offended. They think you’re depriving your child — or them — of the joy of gift giving and receiving. The opposite is true. You’re actually trying to find unique and special ways to do both.
I often suggest that parents have a conversation with family members to explain that instead of a new build-a-bear outfit, your child would really love a trip to the bookstore. That way people are still giving a gift, but one that creates memories that matter.
How to Transition to Gifts That Matter
Remember, it’s your home, and you are in charge of what comes into it. Guilt shouldn’t have a place among the reasons we keep things. The space shown here is a little slice of heaven, if you ask me. I can see curling up with my girl on the window seat, sharing a story or watching her build things on the wide-open floor. Because there is a place for everything, everything can actually go back in its place. Know what I mean?
Here a few powerful ways you can help family and friends transition from too many gifts to gifts that matter:
Remember, it’s your home, and you are in charge of what comes into it. Guilt shouldn’t have a place among the reasons we keep things. The space shown here is a little slice of heaven, if you ask me. I can see curling up with my girl on the window seat, sharing a story or watching her build things on the wide-open floor. Because there is a place for everything, everything can actually go back in its place. Know what I mean?
Here a few powerful ways you can help family and friends transition from too many gifts to gifts that matter:
- A month before the next birthday or holiday, send everyone a personalized note. Let people know your family is working to scale back and declutter, and in the spirit of those efforts, you’ve made a little gift registry you hope they’ll have fun choosing from. The registry list might include things like movie gift cards, gift certificates for the local play gym, a play date at someone else’s house or lunch at a favorite restaurant.
- For close family, a personal call or a face-to-face visit can make a huge difference. It can be very frustrating when gifts keep coming despite your requests, so it’s important to let them know your kids have more than they need and you’d like their help teaching your children that spending time together doing things is an irreplaceable gift.
- Work with your children on a clean-out twice a year. Have a box for donations, a box for keepers and a box for broken or trashed toys. Some children worry that their toys will be lonely or sad to leave; suggesting that they give their toys a kiss, wish them well in their new home and put them in the box can be very comforting for them.
- Learn to say, “No, thank you” to hand-me-down train tables — I mean, toys you don’t need or particularly want. Kindly suggest that those toys go to a children’s shelter or that they get posted online.
- Practice what you preach! Give family and friends useful and meaningful gifts. Offer to take their kids for the day, get a gift certificate for a car detailing or a manicure — think of things they might not do for themselves.
- Around the holidays, ask your children to make a list of five things they would really like to receive, and don’t limit it to toys. Offer up Mommy/Daddy time or a kids' cooking class. Stick to those five things and refrain from going overboard. Make the holiday about being together, not buying, and you’ll be well on your way to a much less cluttered, but still fun space!
I say it all the time, but let me reiterate: Children don't need to be bombarded with stuff to be joyful. The bright and beautiful child's room pictured here is actually rather diminutive, but it's airy, inspiring, colorful and well organized. It's more than large enough for dreaming, drawing, reading and imagining, yet it's not bursting at the seams with toys!
Change Your Attitude Toward Toys
Early on I requested that my friends and family not buy my daughter any toys or clothes for birthdays and holidays. She had more than she could ever need, thanks to the many well-meaning people in my life.
I’m a big believer in hand-me-downs, since kids grow out of everything so quickly. It's really important to me, and yet people always felt compelled to buy brand-new things. I always felt pressured to accept the gifts, especially since many were fairly pricey. Nothing worse than a gift wrapped in guilt!
Every single birthday and holiday, presents continued to pour in. I know it came from a place of love, but it was truly frustrating. We lived in a studio apartment with less than 500 square feet shared between us. I literally had no room for the things she would receive. A lot of times, those gifts were donated to children far less fortunate. We were living at the poverty level, but there were people living in much worse situations, and it felt important to share with them what I considered an abundance of things.
I’m not saying we never kept anything, because we did. I'm far from a minimalist! However, when something new came into the home, something much less loved went out. We worked hard at not hoarding toys, books and other kid-related items. I have yet to meet a family that isn’t suffering from too-many-toys syndrome, and yet it's all relative. Some folks show their love through material things. I get that, but that's the last thing kids need when it comes to love. A toy never takes the place of story time, baking together or just plain being there.
Rethink the Train Table
If there is one thing that continues to confound me, it’s the train table. You know the one. In the homes of my dreams, everyone has a beautifully spacious and organized playroom. The train table is but a blip on the landscape there. But not everyone has that kind of space, and a train table ends up being that giant thing taking over a third of the room — not to mention the trains, cars and other toys that live on it, underneath it and strewn around it like a million tiny landmines. Seems a week doesn’t go by when one of my clients is trying to find room for one, get rid of one or buy one. I’ve started to believe that they're actually all the same train table, multiplying and recirculating until the end of time.
What’s interesting is that I’ve never seen a child actually use a train table for its intended purpose, and it’s the parents (not the kids), who exhibit symptoms of withdrawal when it’s suggested that maybe it’s time to let it go. While this ideabook isn’t really about the train table, it’s the largest example — literally — of kid clutter that parents invite into their homes.
Ask These 3 Questions
As with all the adult things you bring into your home, ask the same three questions of your children’s things: Do they love it? need it? use it?
Ask your children to answer the same questions but help them understand what those questions actually mean. Define “need” as something that helps them get through their day, like a jacket or a toothbrush. Define "love" as something they adore above all other things, like a blankie or a favorite doll. “Use” is often the same as “need,” like socks, or paper to do homework on. But how many pads of paper or pairs of socks are actually necessary? It’s not about having less or having nothing, it’s about having things that matter in those three important ways.
It’s difficult to stay on top of all the things that come from birthdays, holidays and visits with family, and it’s hard to say, “No, thank you.” Setting the precedent ahead of time can work wonders.