troubled stepdaughter, eroding marriage

21 years ago

Hi,

I am new here but have read other posts and this seems like a helpful forum. This is very long! My story: I am 46, no kids, sadly unable to, married for 1st time to a 56-yr old widower with 3 grown kids, 28 (SS), 26 (SD), and my youngest SD, just turning 21. I'm sure my problems with (youngest) SD are or feel worse because I don't have my own kids. It is very painful for me, and having to cope and live with her seems unbelievably, painfully ironic to me. (I had partial hyst shortly before my wedding! Despite my age at time, this was very tough to cope with. But I do think SD would resent any child I had.) My husband (who is a wonderful guy) and I met and married in a year---whirlwind. We are very much in love but this has been sorely tested over and over again and I am very concerned and also emotionally drained (often, and he must be too). We will be married 2 yrs in June. I had no idea what I was in for when we married. We were so unprepared. I doubt I would have done it if I had known what I was in for, even though I love my husband and can't imagine being without him. It has been so difficult and painful. It was a major shock when I realized what my SD was like after she moved in a month after our honeymoon (she was 19 at time), a major disappointment as far as my new marriage, (naive!) and I truly was in shock for about 6 months. SD lives withus when home from college. Marrying into a stepfamily (I now know a lot about stepfamilies) is of course very hard. There are no child custody or ex issues, but there is the ghost of his deceased wife.

My husband married me 3 yrs after his late wife died, and he and I felt he was over most of the grief. However, the ghost remains, mostly with my SD. She was 16 when her mother died. Of course this was terrible for her, and then 3 yrs later I was married to her father. A difficult situation.

Her siblings also have had a lot to adjust to, but I have a decent relationship with them. They are good people. I believe my 21-yr-old SD had a different, less healthy relationship with her mother. I have heard hints of this from a few relatives and friends ("She (SD) has always been difficult" "Her mother was not well" , etc.) My hysband has said that her mother was depressed, not happy, he wasn't happy the latter part of their marriage. I'm not blaming her mother. Just a part of the picture-she was troubled before and now is more so. My SD is not very likeable, and is very needy, insecure, selfish, destructive (emotionally), manipulative, and spends much of her time at home when she is home from school. She has friends and works full time, but prefers to spend about 75% of her free time in her room or sitting with us at home. This is torture, because on top of her being here, shehas little social life and the pressure is enormous. I often feel I need to go out to get away from her. Even my husband doesn't like her around that much. She is overweight (about 50 lbs) and doesn't date. (This concerns both of us and seems to be a self esteem issue also).

I have always tried to be kind to her and to be a pseudo-friend (slowly), never a mother replacement, but she was disrespectful, (sloppy to the point of dirty, gross, this has finally improved somewhat) rude, angry, whiny at times, destructive (left porn on my computer, moved or threw my wedding photo album from table to the floor), etc. My husband was so shocked at her behavior (from my perspective) and was so guilty that he often denied most of what she did and did little to change it. Sometimes he would agree and feel terrible and be empathic. It was and is a roller coaster. I do have some OK times with SD. She is so needy that I tend to give in to spending time with her or being attentive, and we have an OK relationship at times, but her many problems tend to ruin things also. I really don't like her but I try. Ups and downs. The downs are brutal. Last summer she invaded my privacy--took a forum post (to a stepfamily group) off my computer (said she found it on her friend's computer) and showed her siblings, aunt ,uncle. Siblings went to my husband since she was so upset, then he is furious with me but also with her. Said nothing to her. He's terrified of her (fragility, anger). This was a demoralizing, awful experience. Since thne siblings and aunt uncle are a little more on my side of the fence. Obviously she is a mess and needs help. Everyone knows it. Her dad got her to go shortly after our marriage but she stopped and refused to go back. She must get help. My husband is going to try again soon when she returns. Things came to a head after 18 months of resentment and anger, and I finally told my husband that her mother's death did not excuse bad behavior, that compassion was not going to work anymore, and that he needed to support me as far as guidlines, etc. (I was so frightened till then to say anything "negative" about her mother's loss) It was a tough time, but he agreed and I pray it helps. SD is in Ireland this semester. She seems good but we'll see what happens at home. Much needed break for us but we have talked about it a lot to prepare for her coming here this summer. It is so pervasive and there is so much lingering resentment and anger. I feel it has eroded our marriage and I am terrified. I try very hard to communicate, my husband is trying harder, we have gone to a therapist and will go back. Don't know how he can get her into counseling!!!! She is so manipulative. My husband has agreed to set rules and support me. He knows I have reached my limit and that it must happen.

My husband owns a successful company and is very well-liked by many, but he is terrible with conflict. Due to the problems with his youngest daughter, we have had to learn how to communicate and try to work on conflict many times. We have come a long way, but it is so hard to have to do it so often. We do have lots of good times but as long as she's around, but for me the bad feelings are always there waiting to boil over. I know this is so LONG. Does anyone have thoughts, ideas? Advice on keeping my marriage intact?

Thanks!

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Comments (8)

Pashan
21 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Wow, I sure feel sorry for you. I really don't know what to say to help you though. The concept of "tough love" sure comes to mind.

That girl needs to hear the hard truth. Not from you though. (she doesn't trust you enough). Someone needs to sit her down and tell her to "GET OVER IT!!" Her mother is gone, get counseling if necessary. She needs to hear that she is viewed as a slob, she needs to hear that she isn't well liked by many because of her poor attitude and her personal habits.

Your husband is afraid of conflict, but he needs to get over his fears and deal with the situation. Ignoring it will not make it go away, it will only make it look like he is ignoring it.

What is that called when all the family and friends get together and confront a person about their problem (drinking, drugs, ect.)? Would it be possible to do that for her when she gets home? Gather the aunts, uncles, sister and brother for a real confrontation. Put it to her like it is and don't let her get away with her childish tantrums anymore.

She is 21, not 12 and someone needs to make her act like it!!!!!

That's where I stand on the subject, anyone else?
lazy_gardens
21 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
DH and you need counseling to help you help her (without ruining your relationship). Having someone coach you in how to handle her and not let her wreck your lives is a good idea even if she gets threapy.

She needs counseling to get through her grief and depression ... losing a mom at 16 would be devastating.
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ponderinstuff
21 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Hi, I'm sorry you are so troubled. I'm not a step parent, but I was a step kid and my Mom died when I was 10 years old. Dad remarried two years later.

Don't expect her to "get over it", she will never get over the loss of her Mom. I'm 44 and I still have times I really miss my Mom. She will have many times in the future she will too, especially when she gets married, and has a baby.

That being said,loosing her Mom gives her no excuse to be rude to you, or your husband. Set some rules down and tell her she is welcome at your home as long as she shows you both respect. Tell her you both know how much she misses her Mom and you just want to support her in any way you can, but that rudeness won't be tollerated in your home. She is an adult and can find another place to live if she doesn't want to play by your rules. Sounds like you all need a heart to heart, and Dad needs to do most of the talking.

I agree she needs counseling, but she may have to come to a breaking point in her own life before she will seek it, and maybe she won't even then. However, you and your husband need counseling too. You two are a team, and if he's willing to get counseling he can learn to stand up to her. He should be doing that, and supporting you so your SD doesn't resent you for being the bad guy.

Hang in there, things ought to get better. I just encourage you to try and find something good in her, and focus on that. It is incredibly hard for a girl to loose a Mom. I imagine it is even worse if she didn't have a good relationship with her. She probably has a lot of guilt.

I love my step mom very much, but I've never felt like I measured up to her own kids. She isn't my "mommy" and never will be. We have a very nice relationship as a step mom and daughter, and she will always support me the best she knows how. I have learned to be thankful for that. I hope your SD is thankful for you some day too. I believe if you keep loving her in spite of herself it will work out. You are both loving her by giving her boundaries too, and not allowing her rude, selfish behavior.
mom_2_4
21 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Rara, most of us enter into second marriages and step-family life woefully unprepared. It's almost impossible to explain to someone on the "outside" how difficult it is. Even if you had educated yourself on the subject (as I did), it's still a crap-shoot as to how all the people your marriage touches will react, especially the kids.

I definitely feel for your SD, but the other posters here are right. It boils down to two truths that your SD needs to face up to: 1) Her Mom is gone, and 2) She is an adult.

It doesn't seem that she is owning up either of those facts. I agree that a serious discussion is in order, and since she won't go to counseling it needs to be done by your husband. I do believe that she would benefit greatly from counseling, though. Could you, perhaps, make it a condition of her living with you upon her return from Ireland? You two could also benefit from continued counseling to learn, at the very least, how to productively deal with her (even if she herself refuses to see someone) without tearing your marriage apart.

Sometimes life sucks -- we are given one blow after another. She needs to realize that just because she's had her share of heartache, her life is not over. There is joy and happiness to be had, but SHE has to go after it -- and her attitude DOES matter.
rara11
Original Author
21 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Hi all,

I was away and just returned to find these posts waiting for me. I want to write more when it's not so late, but for now I want to thank you all so much. It is very helpful and reassuring to read your thoughts. I often feel so isolated and lonely in this situation (I'm sure others do!) since no one I know is in a stepfamily. I will write more soon!
Pashan
21 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
What I meant in my earlier post is that she needs to accept it, not get over it. I can't expect anyone who lost a mother at the age of 16 to just get over it. I worded that very very wrong. She does however need to accept it and work on moving on. She sounds bitter and angry. Counseling is most certainly in order for everyone involved!!

Especially to Ponderinstuff, I am sorry for the way I worded what I said, it was insensitive on my part... I am very close to my mother and I don't believe I'd ever be able to "get over it" either! You are right!

P
ponderinstuff
21 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Thanks pashan, apology accepted :-)
britbritmay
21 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I cant believe that their are actually adults in this world, stepparents or not that allow another adult (21) to act like this in their home. She is an adult. She is responsible at this point for seeking her own help. Here is what I would do. Take her for a little ride out in the country and explain to her that she is an adult women now and in control of her own actions. If there are any further "actions" in your home. She as an adult will have to find her own home. Tell her that since she is a young women of 21 she should be able to fiqure out what you mean by "actions" Your husband will get over it. I know someone who lost her mother. I think she misses her mom very much and I cant imagine being a young teen growing up with no mom. HOWEVER, her father would never tolerate bull like this. There is no excuse for smart mouth, trouble making adult living in another adults home. Good luck to you but, I think if things change you are going to have to make them.

troubled stepdaughter, eroding marriage

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troubled stepdaughter, eroding marriage

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