Just say no. You have already thought this through and you are right on all counts. Do everyone a favor and say no.

Your misgivings are all on target. Say no. Your husband has not figured out how to act in his roles as a divorced father and as your husband, your SD has problems and you'll probably be the target of many of them, and believe me, the ex-wife is not going to let go of $1000 in monthly child support without a fight.

Say no.

brass_tacks & newbieroselover, thanks a lot for your supports, I really appreciate it.

Right now the most concern I have is what if after I said no and my HD let my SD stay anyway? I dont think I can drag her out of my house, even if I can I donÂt want to. That is just not my style plus I donÂt think that is going to solve the issue.

As I said, my parents live with me right now. Ever since I told them my decision to marry my HD, theyÂve been keeping telling me I made a wrong decision, I wonÂt be able to handle this marriage. And I always assure them I know what IÂm doing and I can do it.

IÂve been proving them IÂm right until now. I am really not sure what I should do if I said no and he insists. How can I convince him that IÂm not trying to be mean to his daughter, I am just trying to do something good for all of us?!

If I let her move in, I donÂt know how long I can sustain the pressure. She doesnÂt talk to my parents, she always ignore them like they donÂt exist. My parents are always upset about her manner and we have reminded her a lot of times and she just keeps doing so. I have to play the mediator between my parents and my HD. I donÂt want my parents to criticize my SD publicly since I don't want to hear my SD's yelling and my HD's complaining. I have enough problems already. However, the longest period they have to tolerate is 10 weeks I donÂt know what will happen if she lives here forever.

Besides that, she never pay attention to or play with my son her brother, even my son likes her his sister so much. All she ever says to him is ÂStop following me and ÂDonÂt touch it. ItÂs mine I never tell my son IÂm not his sisterÂs mom. I always ask him to obey his sister and not to bother her. But her behavior to my son sometimes really gets on my nerve. I donÂt understand why my HD can just sit there seeing it and say nothing. That is actually another reason why I donÂt like her to stay around. No mom would like the person who is not nice to her child, right? But still, while she is here I have to be nice to her because IÂm not an evil stepmother!

It seems saying no would be the quickest decision to make. But here are a few thoughts to consider...Maybe your SD is difficult because of the constant instability her mom gives her. By her living with you, you will have a rare chance to build a closer relationship with your husband's child. I know from experience how hard it will be, especially at the age of 13, but although raising my 2 stepkids has been the most challenging experience for me, EVER, (they are now 16 and 14 and I've taken care of them for 6 years) I wouldn't change it. At one point, about 2 years ago, their mother felt "lonely" and waned them back. She had a new man (another in a very frequently changing lifestyle) who had a large house and she wanted them to move in with her. I guess I had thought if this opportunity arrived, maybe I'd like to see them go... they have been awful to me at times, we struggle, and I have a now 4 year old with their father. Well, it was a fleeting thought, I couldn't let them go! Although it'd be harder to keep them, I loved them immensly AND living with their father was definitley the best enviroment for them. Would your SD have a better chance at life with you and her dad? It may be worth the scarifice. Also, your 4 year old may love having a sibling around. My Skids make my daughter laugh like no one else can. She has great siblings and loves being with them. I know I'm alittle all over the place here, just waned to give you some things to think about.
I definitely would advise setting some clear parenting roles with your husband if this comes about. The biggest success we have had is being the "United Front" with the kids. Dad has to insist on respect for you.
I understand your parents are living with you but is it fair for them to discount this child because they don't like her?
Finally, if it comes to a costly battle in court and the ex refuses to give her up, I would suggest letting things stay the way they are. The $ you will waste on lawyers could be better spent for her future. As long as she's not in an abusive enviroment, I wouldn't push against the issue. Just some thoughts,

Just say NO! Let's see, you have a spoiled, ill-mannered SD, who is not so nice to your child, disrespectful to your parents and a husband that don't back you up, then your DH wants his daughter to live with you? Ha ha... very funny.

She's not yet living with you and she's causing so much trouble in your household already! There will be no harmony in your home if you allow this to happen. My teenage SD is a pain in the butt, she's sneaky and a liar, that's why she's no longer with us, she can do her crap at her mother's house.

Your SD wants to move in with you because her father allows her to do whatever she wants to do and get away with it. Don't allow this happen, this will totally ruin your relationship with parents and your husband, you'll regret it. Goodluck.

Sit down and have a long hard talk with your husband. Yell him if she does move in then there simply has to be rules that your SD has to abide by.If she moves in your are her step mom and you should be able to disipline her when hubby is not there. You are a adult she isn't and she needs supervision. She simply can not move in and run wild. Hubby expecting this is unreasonable.

Thank you ohmygosh, msjam2, fivemeows for your inputs.

I had a talk (well, turn out to be a fight) with my HD regarding to this issue last night. Im really feeling blue now, advices please

I heard him talking to my SD about the school plans if she stays here. First of all, I dont feel comfortable that he made her think there is a possibility without having a mutual agreement with me first. I havent agreed to that idea yet. Secondly, shouldnt he discuss those future plans with me first before he talks to my SD? Or just because Im her stepmother, I have no right to involve her things at all?

I told him my concerns and his answer to the first issue was he mentioned that idea to me before and I didnt reject him that time, so he assumed that I agreed. The truth is I told him I thought we need to think it through and I never tell or imply him that I agreed. I told him that doesnt matter how he got that assumption it was wrong! I havent agreed to let his daughter move in yet!

Then he said it is not decided yet since he just made the proposal to his ex and his ex didnt consent that time. So does that mean if his ex changed her mind then my SD is going to stay with us? Then what about me? Is this my home or his and his exs home? Why do I feel like they are making decision for my life for me?!

I told him that if he wants her daughter to stay then there are a couple of things need to be done first. Like he has to gain the agreement with his ex that he is going to stop paying child support during the time when my SD lives with us (I dont care if she should pay us CS instead); there are rules need to be set up and my SD has to follow them; if she did something wrong she needs to be punished

And the most important thing is I need to have the authority to discipline her while he is not around. And my HD said nothing about child support or rules or anything (just no comments, doesnt that mean he agrees?), all he said was he thought I shouldnt say no to her or punish her or do anything that might upset her directly. I should leave those dirty works to him. He said that is for my own good. Is that true? Why do I feel like he is refusing to give me parenting authority to my SD? Does that mean I have let my SD stay in my house do whatever she likes even I dont like and plead my HD to stop her when he is around betting my luck that he will agree with me? Oh, gosham I being unreasonable or is he?

As I said the conversation ends up to be a fight, I mean we both angry and stop talking to each other. But before that he made very clear that he will let my SD stay if his ex agrees no matter what I say. And I told him that I already told him my thought and it is up to him to decide if he should respect it or not. If he wants to force me to accept his decision then he needs to face the consequence.

To be honest, I knew the last sentence I said was just an empty threat; since I dont even know what I can do if that really happened. I guess he might realize that too since he didnt pay a bit attention to that. Im really really frustrating about my situations right now, what should I do? Are my HDs ex and their daughter going to ruin my life and marriage and my entire world? Help!

It seems that you and your husband have a situation that is uncertain and difficult. You know, discussions are great--but so often carrying out a resolve does not happen because the parties involved aren't able to be someone they are not.

Your husband has shown that he is afraid of his daughter. You on the other hand, have been in contention with the girl and are more concerned about the tranquility in your life than allowing your husband to be with his daughter. You don't want the boat to rock. You also are afraid of the girl.

You may be in an affectionate relationship with your husband, but that will change in his heart if you put your foot down. He will believe that you are the reason he can't be with his daughter--when the reason you don't want his daughter in your home is because you fear your husband will allow the girl to run amuck in your life. Make sure that you communicate your true fears. Give your husband the opportunity to try to figure this out--that you don't want grief in your life.

Children, even teenagers, can be a joy and a blessing. It doesn't have to turn out bad. But you adults have to get smart fast.

You think that if you sit down with your husband and talk about rules, and those rules are communicated to the girl that all will be well. That just is not realistic. Why? Because the change that needs to happen is for the two adults to have more of an understanding about themselves as individuals, and their relationship and more of an understanding of children. You and your husband have shown some communication malfunction regarding serious business. It will not be the girl that will be the ruin of your life, it will be the unwillingness to communicate or lacking the ability to communicate effectively that will be the ruin of your life. I assume you are identifying your life with your marriage.

You need to sit down again with your husband and tell him you do not appreciate your input to be disregarded. THis is your house too along with your parents house.
You husband is right about discipline. You have no business disciplining his daughter. She is not yours and will never be yours to do so. The dirty stuff must come from him. BUt put your foot down and tell him as his wife that you both must discuss the situation. He can't discuss school with her. It sounds to me that he's made the decision for her to move in.
In my case, its similar. My DH's daughter want's to move in now. SHe is 11 years old. But i'm sure his ex will not let go of her without a fight cause she doesn't want the money she gets every month lost. My DH though does not want her to move in until she is about 15 or 16 years old and he has told her that she will be old enough then to make a better discision. Shes upset but she is a very logical girl. Thank GOD FOR THAT. Besides...even though she wants to move in her mother wont allow it. She's fight tooth and nail. Me..i'm staying out of it. Whatever happens happens....I have no issue with my SD. My SS on the other hand has issues. He is not disciplined but he does behave at my house cause his father has CLAWS on him
You and your husband must sit down again and your parents. You all live together and have a say. You must come to a middle point. How about having her live with you for a semester. Do not tell her anything and this will be her test for you guys. Your husband must say nothing to her. And see what unfolds. If she misbehaves, she is shipped out at the end of the school semester period. If you husband doesn't like it. ITs too bad. Make a stand with your husband. THis is your home and you will not live in misery. But i say try it out to prove it for your husband. Once you have tried...he cannot deny anything. But he has to set the rules of the house. And even though you cannot decipline her she has not right to be disrespectful to you or your parents. If she is, she is out!

I am going to address another problem that I see. Your parents are living in your home, that I take it your husband is working to pay for. And they are bad mouthing your husband to you...telling you over and over that you married the wrong man. But yet they are living in HIS house, that HE works hard to pay for?

Talk about a lack of respect. It is like it is your parents and you, against your husband...in his own house yet!!!! If they do not respect your husband, and are bad mouthing him to you...they should not be living with you and undermining your marriage. This man (for better or worse) is the man you chose to marry and he is the father of your child. Now that you have a child, shouldn't you try and protect him, by keeping his family together and providing a home for him? I am surprised your husband puts up with all this from your parents. Try looking at this from another point of view. As though your husbands parents were continually bad mouthing you to him and telling him he married the wrong woman over and over again...while living in a home you were working to pay for. See what I mean?

Note: I am assuming alot here in that I am assuming that your husband works to pay for everything...and I am assuming that your parents are not working and that is why they are living with you and your husband. Am I right?

I am going to call you on the behavior of your parents and the huge disrespect their behavior and attitude shows your husband, and how destructive it is in your marriage. If they are living under his roof, they ought to treat him with great respect and appreciation and kindness, unless he is abusive towards you or your child, or does not work or something.

I will add that it would probably help you both to find some kind of councel on marriage with step children, his guilt and need to please his daughter, over you. This happens to so many, many parents who are separated from their children through divorce. Can you look at it through his eyes and imagine that you lost YOUR child through divorce, and rarely got to spend any time with your child, and you not only felt guilt because of the divorce, but you so wanted your child to love you and have a good experience while visiting you for such a short time. Can you understand what he feels? Can you see this through his eyes, and "feel it" through the heart of a parent desperately loving and missing their child????? And so wanting this child to love them back, and knowing they have so little time to build this bond and relationship? Can you imagine what that might feel like? Maybe now you will have understanding for your husband, and not anger.

msjam2... "and your DH wants his daughter to live with you? Ha ha...very funny"

I am amazed at your response, and yet I understand that you are looking at this from your experience with a step daughter, and so you are looking at this through that perspective.

But look at it through the eyes of her husband. But first, read my post above.

OK...now through the eyes of her husband. He asks to have his own child live with his family. His wife balks, and they go to war over his little girl living with her own father. HIS CHILD!!! And his wife has the nerve to fight him on this, when he has to have her ADULT parents living in his home, bad mouthing him, telling his wife that she married the wrong man. He has put up with all of this C*#* from her parents, who do not like and resent the child, as well as their daughters husband, and you all have the nerve to actually support the wife in her war against keeping his little girl away from him???? Are you kidding me?!?

In my opinion, someone should tell her that a marriage means compromise, and he is giving up way more than his share already to have to have her parents living in his house and having to deal with their bad attitude every time he walks into his own home!!!!

Look at it from another perspective... Think if you had to have YOUR IN-LAWS living in your home, and bad mouthing you to your spouse...telling your spouse that he married the wrong person, blah, blah, blah, behind your back every chance they got. And everytime you walk into your own house, there they are. And you have the opportunity to get custody of your little girl, or little boy...and they all have the nerve to go to war with you for wanting to raise your own child because it inconveniences them?!? You have adults who are asking you to take care of them....and resent you for wanting to parent your own child?!?

For this saint taking care of her parents who bad mouth him, they should all be going out of their way to help him bring his child home and be a father. They should be looking for ways to help him make this work if they can, and supporting his desire to care for his own child, and not just be thinking about themselves. When you love someone, don't you try and help them, instead of going to war?

It is all in the attitude. It is sitting down together and telling him you will help in any way you can. That you understand a parents love and desire to see and raise their child. You will sit down together and come up with a game plan, house rules, and fair disapline if the house rules are broken. you will help him every step of the way as you struggle through this thing called step-parenting together. And you will find your way. But he will know in the end that you stood by his side and made the necessary sacrifices so that he could parent his child for the few years left of her childhood.

It will not be easy. It will be one of the hardest things you have ever done. But isn't that what love is? It is loving each other enough to help each other realize their dreams.

But to be the kind of woman who keeps a father away from his child, cheating him out of his chance while on this earth, to raise his own child, is one of the most selfish acts a human being can do, I think. How would you feel if you had to give up YOUR baby to an ex (if that was the case) and that ex moved with your child far away...and you missed your child with every fiber of your being. The pain and yearning never went away...and you remarried in your lonliness. And then the opportunity presented itself that your beautiful child could become yours again. But your new husband and his parents (who lived in your home and treated you poorly, by the way) fought hard top keep your child from coming home to you. Does that sound like "love" to you?!? Does it sound like people who love you and want to help you any way they can? Or does it sound like a bunch of selfish people who only care about themselves?

I realize that this is not a popular view on this forum. But perhaps if we took a minute to turn things around and considered this from another's perspective, and to fully grasp what we are asking a mother or father to do...TO GIVE UP THEIR OWN CHILD, because we don't like them...how is that loving????? Would that feel like love to you....if YOU had to give up YOUR own child to make your spouse comfortable? What kind of people does that make us?

Just another perspective, that's all.

Love? Haveing a tidy life is what some people want--not love necessarily.

bnicebkind, I understand where you're coming from, really. I did just that, I accepted my s-kids into my home, I've become their maid, their driving instructor, their driver, their own personal bank and their tutor. What do I get in return? Disrespect, stabbing me in the back as soon as they see an opportunity.

But, because I love my husband and him wanting to be with his children, I sacrified a lot, including my own happiness, so you see, I compromised. Internet was not popular then, there was no way for me to vent anywhere but I was lucky to have a sister that cared to listen to me.

My husbands loves his kids, but he realized now that I do not have to love them as they never did love me back nor appreciate anything that I've done for them. But I do care about their well-being, I hope they do well in life. To this day, they will call and ask for something, they hear no argument or anything from me, I just give what they want but you know sometimes, a Thank You from them would be nice.

Dh and I are much closer now that his kids are not with us anymore, there's no fight, no arguing, we're back to the way we were before his kids came along.

As to the OP's situation. If the household is a mess already as it is, with her taking care of her parents that doesn't like their son in law, why bring a child into that mess? That will be world war 3!

msjam...As a mother, I too am a maid (cleaning woman to keep this house running), chef, driver, tutor, their personal bank, massive laundry duties, nurse, counselor, mediator in arguments, and the long list of other duties that come with being a mother and running a home and family. I too get discouraged and tired of the noise from bickering and the kids yelling at each other during disagreements that siblings seem to have as they learn to get along with one another, and the chaos that a busy family life brings. Does any kid really appreciate all a parent does and sacrifices for them? Think of a family vacation when parents are sacrificing their time ( they may only get a week or two off a year, and so this time is sooo valuable), and the money they spend for this family vacation and the warm feelings of togetherness this vacation is supposed to produce. Instead, the kids are fighting with each other in the back seat, someone is crying, and everyone is ticked off. And hour later, all is calm but Johnney just threw up on the back of the seat, and the smell is about to cause a chain reaction. Ahhhh....family life.

And many a teenager disses (stabs in the back) a parent who has the nerve to say no. It does not mean they do not love or appreciate them...it is the agnst and drama of being a teen or young adult and looking at the parents as aliens who are ruining their life.

The difference, I think is that parents go through all of this and yet it is their child...they have no choice. These are our children. We love them. We may not like them at times, or like the way they are behaving, but we will never turn our backs on them no matter what, because they are our children. But a step parent...looks at the situation and wonders what in the world she is doing in the midst of all of this. And she has the option to say she is out of there! But she may have children of her own, and dismiss their bad behavior or not take offence to it because they are HER kids and she loves them, and in her eyes they can do no wrong. But another child doing the same thing she would consider a brat, obnoxious, a kid desperately neeing punished or banned,etc. We tend to overlook what we (or our children) do wrong, and blow up when it is not our child...who did it.

A teacher once told me that many of the parents of her students are simply unable to hear, or accept anything bad about THEIR child. They immediately become defensive, angry, and even enraged if this teacher trys to enlighten them about their childs shortcomings. But if another child does something to their child...they want that other child punished severely.

Maybe it is human nature. Maybe it is the love a parent has for their child that for the most part they do not take the bad behavior so personally. I don't know. Perhaps this is why step parenting is so hard and painful. Because you are in the thankless role of a parent (as we all are) yet without the maternal love that a parent has, that is willing to love our children no matter what, and yet you have the responsibilities, without the love.

Or perhaps it is that nesting instinct that has found a man, and brings him home, and begins to create a "nest" for her family. She goes through that same experience that a woman goes through as she prepares her home for a baby. And at some innate level, she works to get his children from another marriage, out of her nest, and creates her own home and family with this man. And she will not rest until it is done.

But what she "chooses" to ignore, is that she stole something priceless and irreplaceable...she can never give it back, and the damage is far reaching...the damage will stretch generations. She robbed a child of his/her parent. She robbed a father of the experience of being a father and raising his children. The experience of being fully involved in their lives, and helping them to become healthy people who were loved, supported and experienced a strong bond and relationship as a parent and child. His short time on earth, he had this incredible responsibility, and gift of being a father, and sharing in the life of his children. But it upsets his new wife, and so his kids were sent to live elsewhere. It upsets his wife when his kids come to the house, and so he meets them for lunch at McDonalds...if that. And that relationship between a father and his child becomes so broken. And there is so much pain. Even as adults, his children are not welcome in their home.

I wish that every family that is considering divorce would spend the time and read this forum. Am that they would work at pulling their marriages back together so that their children do not experience the pain that remarriage brings to so many children. Where they find that they do not fit in or belong anywhere. Dad remarried and is now living in another state, and is now father to someone elses kids. And the new wife does not want his kids there. And mom has remarried and moved to the other side of the country and is "mom" to kids he doesn't even know or want to know. And her husband picks on everything he does. No where feels like home, because home no longer exists for these children.

I understand that many of you feel that these kids are badly behaved. And maybe they are. But so are our natural kids...it just doesn't bother us because they belong to us and we love them, and we are quick to overlook our kids bad behavior, or discount it as not really "that" bad.

By the way...you mentioned that you were not happy. I think of my role as a parent...in the midst of it all...the laundry up to my knees on a bad week, dirty dishes in the sink, kids bickering, the role of a constant cook, etc. etc. If I thought about it, there are many days where I would not describe myself as "happy". In fact, I may be downright unhappy. But would I trade it for a life of leisure without my children? Not in a million years! It is my life, this is my family, and I would not trade it for anything. Would I do it all for someone elses kids...I seriously don't know.

bnicebkind, am I reading your last post correctly? Are you saying you don't have any stepkids living with you and your husband?

bnicebkind,

Ifyou do not have step children of your own then you do not fully understand the 'feelings' and baggage that come with these kids and all the psychology behind it. Sure you understand the adult feelings. And yes i do understand where my husband stands. His father hood ripped from him. But after 14 years living with an abusive controlling wife, for his sanity and his children he had to leave. And he lost everything because he chose to leave it for his kids. House, car pool everyhting..and start from scratch. The only beef he had was he had to leave it to the ex because his kids were too young to legally have that. Andnow his ex has ruined the car, the house is in shambles and the new guy she has brought into her life is reeking havoc on the kids. My SD HATES her new stepdad and is resenting her mom. Her mother is using me as a scapegoat which is confusing her young son cause i do not involve myself with her at ALL.
You see..being a stepparent, is DRAMA because of a vindincive ex wife. Who damages who kids by using them and everyone around her. Sure. I know 2 people who are divorce and they are all best friends. I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE THAT SITUATION!!!!! Those are one in a million. THe most of us are stuck with the ex demons from hell. And i'm one the lucky ones too because my stepkids do not hate me. Why? cause i had a stepmom and i know what it feels like. also i do not approach them. I let them approach me. I'm kind and respectful to them. When they are moody and not listen I ignore and refuse to do anything withthem. I am a kid at heart cause my childhood got ripped from my hands at an early age. My father did nothing with our family. Was depressed and became an alcoholic after mymom died at an early age. I was 10 1/2....my mom died at 37 years of age. But we all pulled together as kids. Got jobs and stood strong instead of heading the other direction into drugs and violence. Heck both my brothers are priests.
Being a stepmom is a complicated job. Its an ADDED job on top of being a wife and mother to your kids. Why? because you have to be also a psychologist on top of that. A mind reader. To know when to act, when ot to act. You must be very good at communicating, organizing or you are dead in the water! Loving and being kind only gets you so far. You have to be logical , understanding and know when to stand your ground. Not only withthe stepkids but with your husband. Because he is stuck in the middle. Between his past life andhis new life. And he must learn to balance himself too everyday, everysitutaion. It is hard.
Its human nature to nest and to be protective. You also must take into accoutn that after pregnancy the hormones need to balance and that can take up to a year or so.
In the end, the bioparents are responsible for upbringing their kids.The discipline and all. Stepparents can only be friends , offer advice and demand respect. Not love. Not the love from amother to a child. Because even though i lost my mother, i never gave that love to either one of thetwo step moms i had. I knew where my loyalties lied no matter how much of a loser my father was as well.
Being astep parent , dont take it too personal. You must keep a distance. Yes be kind. You are right about that. But dont involve your very soul. You will lose in the end. I care for my sk well-being but in the end , they are not my kids. And my husband knows this and fully understands this.

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I am looking to speak with stepmoms and stepdads about what their lives are like. Blending families can be difficult and in doing my research, I've come across many different issues. I was hoping that you would be willing to share your personal stories with me. You are, of course, under no obligation to come to our show. My toll free number is 1-888-372-2569 ext 4347 or email me at tvtalk06@yahoo.com
I'm hoping to hear from you soon.

Thanks a lot for all of your comments. Its been a while since I first read your comments, I didnt reply because Id like to clear up my own thought first. It is very nice to be able to hear other peoples thoughts and look at things at different angle.

First of all, Id like to clarify a few misunderstand here.

First, I am a working mother. I have a decent job and I work 5 days a week. My husband does make a little more than me salary wise though, he is not the only person who is supporting this family.

Secondly, my parents dont hate my HD! They did have complains about my marriage, but that was not because that they hated him personally, they were just being worried about me. They thought I could not handle the complicity and I was underestimating the challenge I was going to face. As I said earlier they have accepted him now. That is also why they agreed to live with us. My HD is a nice guy and they are getting along with each other pretty well.

Thirdly, my parents have their own house and income. The reason why they moved in with us was because we needed their help when my son was little. Even my son goes to preschool now they still help us a lot at home. My mother helps me do chores and my father helps do our remodels and garden works.

Brass_tacks, I think you are right. I am afraid. It is not like I hate my SD or anything like that, Im just so afraid of risking the peace of my life, thats all. I dont mind to take care of my SD occasionally. Ive been doing so since I got married with my HD. I do her Landry; I prepare her lunch box; I go shopping with her; I arrange play date with her; I pick her up from summer camp, which means I have to get up an hour earlier every day and leave my office at 4:15pm no matter what! (My husband drops her off in the morning so he cannot leave so early to pick her up.) When she was younger I even washed her and read bedtime story for her I would say when she lives with us I spend more time with her than my HD does. Really, I dont mind taking care of her. Since the first day I met my HD I knew he has a daughter. As his wife, I am willing to take care of his daughter for him SOMETIMES.

Call me foolish, but that was what my HD said to me the day I married him, all I need you to do is just helping me to take care of my daughter SOMETIMES! He asked me not to worry about to be called evil step-mother because I wont have the chance. She would live with his ex. All I needed to do is just befriend with her when she visits us and took care of her during the summer for 10 weeks. I believed him. Then here is the reality:

Since the long court fight 3 years ago, instead of take care of my SD 10 weeks in summer, now she also lives with us 2 weeks in winter and 1 week in spring. And this year they start talking about making it to be a fulltime job!

I wouldnt have thought it is such a big deal if she was still the sweet little girl I met 6 years ago, unfortunately she has changed a lot. Maybe because she is growing older now, or maybe she gets a lot bad influence from her mom I find its harder and harder to handle her. She is very demanding; she wants everything her way. For example if she feels like to go to restaurant one day, she will keep wailing and sometimes even crying for how badly treated she is if we decided to turn her down. Until my HD cannot bear with her anymore and takes her to where she wants to go! She seems would never have enough allowances. Her mom gives her 13 dollars a week (calculated by her age) but she always wants more and I even caught her pick up the changes I put on my dresser and put them into her pocket. She doesnt like to do any sports or join any clubs or go learn anything; she is only interested in how to get more time to hang out with her friends. And if she cannot, she could just be herself and chat online all day! Yesterday she gave us a wish list for her birthday (in 2 weeks), here they are: 1, LV wapiti case; 2, Dior over shine glass; 3, Dooney And bourke carabao mini zip top; 4, Hollister emerald cover bomber in white.

I really dont know why a 13-years-old needs those for. The average price of these items is above $100 and none of them is really useful in my view. Mind you, we are normal mid-class family; we never spend money for ourselves on items like that. Im sure that my HD wont give her anything on the list and Im expecting a big yelling and fighting from her ahead soon.

Anyway, even there are still so many concerns, after reading all your comments; I thought it all over again. Bnicebkind had a point. Maybe I am thinking too much for myself. Maybe I am being selfish? Maybe I am being unfair to my HD and SD? Maybe I should try to put myself into my HDs shoes and at least give my SD a chance?

So I decide to do as organic_maria had suggested. If my HDs ex agreed to let go my SD Ill agree to let her move in with us. But there is a condition: she has to behave herself. If things turn out fine, great! If not, she has to go back to her moms. Doesnt it sound fair enough to everyone? Thanks a lot for everyones comments, please wish me good luck.

I hope all turns out well for you. If it doesn't go well..ie your hubby gives into her whims and whining, she misbehaves, treats you with disrespect then its time out. And pack her bags. Tell your hubby you tried ..give it at least 2 month or so. But i'm sure you will know whether it will work within a very short time. Her father should warn her once that she is out of line and after that put your foot down. As his wife , you have the right to do so.
Remember if it goes bad, at least its not for years down the line. Its only a few months then its a done deal. If your hubby doesnt' like it too bad. You gave it a shot. You met him half way and his daughters behaviour will dictate her futur.
Good luck ALLthe best. Keeps us posted!
Maria

No...it does not sound fair at all. Do you honestly think it is fair to your husband (whom you profess to love) or his daughter to say she can come, but if she misbehaves at all, back she goes to her mother.

She is a child. She "will" misbehave. Practice looking at situations through the eyes of another person for perspective and checking your thought process. "Imagine YOURSELF" divorced and remarried. Imagine your new husband whom you adore telling you that if YOUR son misbehaved that you had to give him up to your ex...who would take him to live in another state, and you would loose your little boy! How fair would this seem to you?????? Does this "feel" like love to you???? Would you feel loved and supported if your new husband did this to you???

When you married a man who was FIRST a father, In my opinion, I believe that you need to support his desire to be a father to his daughter...in the same way that you would expect someone who loved you, to support and help you to raise your son, and not to tell you that you had to get rid of your son if he misbehaved. Treat your husband as you would want to be treated if you were in his position.

Yes, it will be one of the hardest things you have ever done. This is where we show love, and are willing to walk through some hard years to support the person we profess to love. Sit down together and set up the ground rules, and what is fair when she misbehaves. Look at this for the long haul (and that would mean raising her until she finishes high school), or you are setting them both up for failure before she even arrives. Give him the chance to finish raising his daughter in the few years left before her childhood is over. Try and love her because you love him, and he desperately needs you to be there for him and love her too. To be able to put your "feelings" aside and give him this gift. There is so little time left for him to be a father to his little girl, who in a very few years, will not need him anymore. He has so little time left to help shape this child he brought into the world, and help her become a happy, healthy adult. He desperately needs you to understand and help him to do this.

Please do not rob him of this, anymore than you would want to be robbed of the opportunity to be a mother to your son. Do not be the kind of woman who would do this, because he will resent you for not loving him enough to help him do what he knows he must do. Rise up to the challenge and be the kind of woman who will stand by his side no matter how hard it gets and help him raise his daughter and he will love you and respect you for it.

As she goes through her teenage years and stretches her wings, and her behavior is painful...remember that is part of being a teenager...the drama, the whole bit, and try not to take it personally. Didn't you ever hurt your parents when you were a teenager? Did you mean half of what you told your friends when you were mad at one of your parents? Remember that on the hard days.

Telling someone we love them means nothing if we are not able to back it up with actions that show them that we love them enough to go through the hard stuff too. Would it feel like love to you, if a new spouse made you give up your son? Then don't do that to your husband. Become the kind of person you can be proud of.

This is not a question of love at all. Its a demand of respect and hard ground set of rules. It is clear in this case that this young teenager has no boundaries. Yes, as a teenager i rebelled too. They all do but my father had strict ground rules. Respect being one of them for being under his house. And yes, i would be shipped out to an aunt or elsewhere if i could not live by it. ITs called tough love and in teh long run and in hindsight i appreciated what he did. I had alot of anger growing up and a person falling to my every whim would not have helped me build a character with respect and responsibility.
The young girl needs guide lines not her father's catering. And yes His NEW WIFE DOES HAVE ASAY. Why should anyone live in misery due to one person in the house. And yes, i would ship my own kid out as an ultimatim in my own house.
Will i love them. YEs
Will i cater to their wants and whims. NO
Do i demand respect under my household. YES
The marriage comes first between husband and wife. FIRST.The kids whether they are stepkids or biokids come SECOND. Under the rule of the parents under their household.
The sd has already expressed her dislike and her disrespect for her step and her own brother when she cannot get her way. Christion dior , wapiti case????? That is not love. Those are materialist things and are not what she needs. She wants those, let her get ajob and earn them!
Yes its fair. She never lived with you in the first place and there are rules under her house adn this young lady must follow them. ITs obvious her biomom did not give her rules of any sort and now nj's husband has to clean up her irresponsibility as a parent.
To throw her out immediately.....nope..not right away. i agree with nbkind for that matter to give a chance for your husband to raise his child. BUt he has to be tough.The girl should get a few warnings ...you never know. With structured and some love she may turn around. But if she fights with her father everyday for everymoment, how fair to do you think it is for the wife or for that matter what will her new son in teh house be learning? whine a bit with father, nag him to death and you can get whatever you want? Hell NO! One of the issues here is that nj's husband is not standing up to his daughter. The daughter will always have an attitude unless you teahc her otherwise. Its respect! not love that has to be taught here. In the end, the conditions are fair. The packing of the bags should not be immediate. That would be unfair for his daughter and for the father. A few chances will do. I think more discussion on nj's husband strictness is in order. His daughter will benefit if he would not give into her whims. This would teach her respect and the house will not be in turmoil. Asking his wife to not trigger a moment with his daughter is ridulous on his part. And disrespectful as an adult in marriage. (if my husband came up to me and said that, i would think he was a whimp!)

I completely agree with organic maria that the SD needs to be taught respect, and that a stepparent has every right to insist on that behavior. Speaking from painful experience, it's not going to happen in a couple of months. And if:

1. you decide your husband isn't capable of interacting with you and with his daughter in healthy ways that encourage her to behave with respect, and

2. your husband still wants your SD to live with you,

then
3. you have to decide if you can continue in the marriage.

Demanding that your husband get rid of his daughter is not an option. The only person with the option to leave the situation is you. Your husband's obligations to his daughter take priority over his obligations to you. BUT he does have the responsibility of ensuring that you are treated with respect. If he won't do that, you have some decisions to make.

nj stepmother,
This business about putting your husband's daughter on trial--you are ignorant and need to get smart.

Organic maria...this has everything to do with love, otherwise, what is the point?

Read the post from Verenap, "Sad...need to vent" read her post and my response to it. If not for love, and caring about her husband enough to take the good with the bad...how is that love?

All children should be taught RESPECT, or life will be very, very difficult for them indeed. But respect goes both ways. If a step parent hates the childs very existance, how can you expect the child to respect her/him? If she/he is on the childs case simply because the bottom line is they annoy her/him and she does not want the children in her home...how can you expect a child to respect this person always attacking them?

So therefore, it comes back to love. Loving your spouse enough to walk through the hard times that step-parenting brings.

Just as when we have children...there is no turning back. We do not get to say that we will be a parent only if they behave, and do not stress us out, or annoy us. They are ours for better or worse. So I disagree with your position that if her daughter misbehaves, her husband has to get rid of her. You are talking about a child. Her husbands child. He has an obligation to be a parent and do his best to love her, and let her know that she is loved unconditionally. This is the problem with remarriage. Because for so many of you...love is no longer unconditional. Many of you are asking your husbands to turn their back on their own children...for you. Who does that????

She is not a pet that is given back if she turns out to be a hassle. She is a little girl who needs to know that her family will be there for her through thick and thin. The good, the bad, and the ugly. That is what being a parent means, or should mean. It is persevering through the hard times, and loving enough to hang in there even when you don't feel like it.

bnicebkind,
It's good to hear some common sense. Trouble is--these people aren't in love, nor know how to even fake it.

I once heard (I think it was in a song), that "Love is not a feeling, it's an act of the will".

Being "in love" is an immature physical/emotional response that happens when you meet someone, and they give you the 'warm fuzzies'. LOVE, the stuff that keeps you going when your world is falling apart. It's what keeps a couple together when one has suffered a tragic dibilitating accident, or is facing rounds of chemo and radiation. It's what makes a person willing to make tremendous self sacrifices, in order to see that the person they love has what they need...the parent who skips meals to allow their hungry child to have extra when there isn't enough food (third world countries)...the person who risks their own life to protect someone who is persecuted (think of during the hollocost...the ones who risked their lives to save the jewish people who were being persecuted)...the man who works eighty hours a week, in order to pay his child support and still allow his new wife to keep her dream of staying home with the baby (THANK HUBBY!!). It's the mother who spends the night holding her sick child even though she has puke on her slippers and her legs are cramping from not being able to move (Thanks mom!). It's the man that spent twenty years twisting wrenches, to keep his family housed and fed, it's what kept that same man doing it, even when the arthritis set in or his knuckles bled from scraping them while fixing cars, or that time he grounded an electrical short in a motor through his wrist watch, welding it to his flesh. Gruesome but true. (Thanks dad...)

LOVE is not a feeling. It's what's left after the honeymoon is over, the warm fuzzies have faded. After you've come to realize that that little thing he does really ISN'T cute. After he's come to realize that you (leave the dishes in the sink for three days at a time, stay on the computer until midnight, sometimes annoy the heck out of him...) It's being WILLING to look past the other persons faults and realizing that your life wouldn't be as fulfilling, as meaningful, if that person wasn't in it. It's making a choice, a decision, to do what makes THEM happy, even if it doesn't make you happy, because it will make THEIR life richer.

Falling 'in love' is what brings people together, but it's making the choice to develope that into real LOVE, and then acting on that choice, that keeps them there. Maybe that's why so many people divorce. That fuzzy feeling fades and they decide they want out. Maybe I'm lucky. I grew up with both my parents, and they have both demonstrated real love, both for each other and for us, throughout our lives. The personal selfsacrifice for the betterment of others.

It's funny, in a sad sort of way, but it seems to me that there would be a lot less people on here if there was more REAL love in our homes. When there is love, there isn't room for selfishness. These dads...who want to be a father to all of their children, not just the ones from their current relationship...that's love. They understand that fighting for access or custody could cause them financial ruin, and that it can make their adult relationships more difficult, especially if they don't have an understanding partner, but they are willing anyway, because they know that their childs life will not be as rich, as rewarding, as fulfilled, if they grow up without one of their parents. Any partner of a parent needs to understand that their partners life won't be as rich, as rewarding, as fulfilled, if they are denied the ability to parent their child. It shouldn't matter if it makes it harder for you, LOVE isn't about you. It's about him, or her, or them. You SHOULD love your children, and you can, because it IS a choice, an 'act of the will'. As a parent or step-parent you aren't called to LIKE your children all the time, heck, you aren't even called to like your SPOUSE all the time, but you are called to LOVE them. And you can...because it's a decision.

Read "Words of Hope" by Bananarama...I'm pretty sure she didn't always like the kids, but she decided to LOVE them...and look, twenty years later that love is being returned in multiple, through both 'her' children and now grandchildren.

Love is working through the hard times to get to the better...no matter how far off it seems. And the funny thing is...the more you give that type of love away, not worrying about your own wants, the more of it you give...the more it's returned.

Trinkets and toys, money, a bigger house, a newer car, a life with someone who never challenges you to step outside your comfort zone, never asks you to become a better person, that maybe tidy, easy, comfortable, but it will never bring lasting happyness.
Loving someone may not give you a 'tidy life', but it will give you a life worth living. My life with(out) step-children is hard, messy, ugly, stressful, draining...I can admit that...but at the same time, pouring my life, my very soul into those I love, my husband, my son, my stepkids, that is what makes my life ultimately fulfilling. When I am (hopefully) old, I would rather die, knowing that, with love, I have enriched the lives of those around me, than die, knowing that I lived only for myself, and left noone who will celebrate my life or mourn my death.

They say the best way to love your children is to love their other parent. If you have a child of your own, with your current partner, but you are unwilling to love your partner in the way he needs and deserves (such as encouraging and supporting him in his desire to parent his other children) then in reality, by not showing love to your spouse, you are not loving your own child. It's something worth thinking about.

Verena

I agree with many point from everybody. But first. The daughter is not being put on trial. She has to comply with the new house rules and learn respect. The main problem is not really the daughter. The issue i see is the husband interaction and how he carries himself as a whole in his new household with his wife. If they are strong together then the pieces will fall for all the children int he house hold no matter what the problem. But you have to admit , theer are some situation that go beyond the parents and tough love must be administered.
Verena is right. on all account. And if you are not in love, its not right to fake it. Believe me , the kids are not blind to that. You either love them and if not at least respect them as a human being. But that doesn't mean kids run over parents and do as they please. Now adays kids are so damn spoiled and have alot of things we didnt' have as kids. Are parents worked hard. Some had to run from war like my parents did. They had to walk for miles to get to school, practice their religion in secrecy, and have been lucky to have a piece of bread at the end of the day for dinner.
Times have changed but parenting has not. Unfortunately many couples have become lax and take the easy way out like divorce which in the end causes more harm then good. So we must deal with it as best as we can. Yes, give them love, but sometimes it will be tough on all.
I never implies she was a pet or shes on trial. But as a family they must all unite and if one is not willing to comply consequence must follow. Not right away because everyone deserves chances. She maybe thrown out in 5 years time. No one knows. Or the relationship can deteriorate to such an extent to the marriage. I hope nj doesn't go in that direction for the sake of herself and her son. In the end its nj who will make the final decision. But we are all here for her to support her emotionally in whatever path she takes. And i'm grateful for this forum.

vernap,
What love is--you've got it.

organic_mania,
You just don't know what faking means. Don't tell me you don't have to pretend once in a while that you don't want to ring someone's neck--but you don't, cause you want to at least act in a different way...but there are plenty of folks that only know how to act out their miserable feelings.

For me faking is smiling and being nice and not meaning it. That is not true to myself or my nature. I'm the type of person if i do not like what i see i'm straight, direct and tell them in face person to person. And that includes kids. mykids and my stepkids. As for ringing someone neck..oh yah..tons of times i would love to do that. But i leave that to my husband and i do show my dislike to all children if i do not agree with what they are doing. But its not my right to discipline someone elses kids. And why would i want to waste my energy on that. Life is too short to be miserable. And if ex and stepkids are bent on it and i see they do it on purpose i just ignore and go on doing things. I've done it in the past with my stepchildren and they came around quick. i'm never mean to them but honest and they see i'm a good person.
It just really hurts to see them in between their parents. Last night my stepdaughter got the inquisition for calling her grandma and not her mom. Her mom phoned and told her off. I was mad andi showed i was mad and my SD saw it,cause i cared for her wellbeing. She appreciated it by hugging me.
One thing is that everyone is sayingis right. The kids have a bad wrap and as kids they don't deserve it. But i'm stuck int eh middle of their parents stupidity as well. I hate that.

verenap...simply thank you. The truth and wisdom of your words should inspire those who have lost their way, and remind them of the kind of character, debth, and substance that we should all strive for.

NJ....You have mentioned that your parents moved in with you to help with your son. So I am assuming that you have the sort of parents who are there for you and care about your well being. Why do you think that you have the right to ROB your husbands little girl of her father...when you yourself NEED YOUR parents EVEN as an ADULT? Why do you feel that it is OK to cheat your husband out of a relationship with own daughter, and to cheat a little girl out of her relationship with the only father she will ever have? Your husband has a deep, moral obligation to be a father to BOTH his children...and that obligation goes far beyond simply sending a child support check. It is in loving, and teaching, and passing on all that a father shares with his children while on this earth...and he knows it. At a deep level he understands what he MUST do. Be glad that you married a man of substance. Now look beyond yourself and help him do what he must do, and become of woman of substance, who is willing to stand by her man and walk through the hard stuff too.

Read bananarama...and you will begin to see the big picture.

No one is robbing anyone or cheating in this case. Nj has decided on her SD moving in on two conditions.
1. That her biomom allows this...ie lets go of the 1000$ a month
2. That the daughter behaves....which i'm sure will happen with the whole family acting cohesively.

bnicebkind. your last message to me sounded very degrading towards nj (needing your parents even as an adult) you don't have stepkids of your own, you are not in nj's place as a wife whose husband obviously doesn't have a backbone to tell his daughter NO (ie nag until he takes her to a restaurant). The husband has not substance in this regard as a father or husband to his wife. She as a wife has concerns and worries and is trying something new. Dont' put her down. What she needs is encouragement and strength in new waters. To feel something is one thing. To act is another. Happiness is not only based on whether a husband is happy. Happiness extends to the entire family. And her parents have their own house and income. And only came to help her at the beginning with her new baby.
Yes her husband has an obligation. But he is not going to pay 1000$ when he has custody of his daughter. That money can be poured into his daughter and education. Why should the ex keep it? He has the right to have his daughter. The daughter has the right to have his father.She has not stopped that. She is only concerned cause she is in new waters. And it doesn't help that her husband is not a man of substance. A man who loves his daughter but cannot say no at her every whim. That is the big issue. (he went up to his wife and asked her not to trigger his daughter's temper)Come ON!!! He's proven he is a whimp! THIS IS NOT A MAN OF SUBSTANCE if he asked his wife not to trigger the sd temper. What he should do as a loving father and husband is go to his wife. Listen to her side , listen to his daughters side and see if they can come together and reach a compremise. Not take sides.Not totally to his wife and not to his daughter. See if they can work it out. Have a family meeting about it all together. Instead he sticks his tail under , disrespects his wife and teachis his daughter she can have everything she wants......what type of a man figure is that?
NJ good luck. I really hope all goes well and that your SD will be good. Openly talk with your husband. I know there will be tough times ahead. Take it one day at a time. Have patience. She is a teenager with hormones. We've all been there. Hang in tight. But be treated with respect from everyone under your household.

Organic_maria, I completely agree with your above post, well said.

Organic maria...her son is 4 years old and in pre-school and her parents are still living with them. However, they do help tidy up the house and her dad does the yard work I think she said...but we have no idea how her husband feels about having to have his in-laws living with him.

In terms of her husband being a wimp...I think that you must consider that he only sees his daughter (who lives on the opposite side of the country) during her school vacations...therefore, imagine as a parent, that YOUR ex had custody of your child (children). Now imagine that you only saw your own child a couple of times a year. Think how differently you might parent in that situation. Most people, myself included, would want that short time together to be wonderful...so that a bond between us would grow...so that they would know how much I love them and miss them, during the long periods they are taken away from me, to live in another state far away with my ex. I know that I would want that time to be wonderful, and happy because it was all that I had with them, before they left again. And wouldn't you be really ticked off if your husband did anything to spoil that time when they were with you...worried that they may not want to come back, during the next school break????? Childhood passes so quickly, and they change so much, and you can never get that time back. I know that I have neices and nephews that I only see during school vacations as they live across the country. I am always startled by how much they change as they grow...but what I notice most as they get older, is that it becomes more and more awkward, and uncomfortable...as too much time passes and the relationship lacks the warmth of familiarity that is there in a normal family sharing life together. For this reason alone, I understand his reaction to be unwilling to disapline his daughter under these circumstances. And for the short time they are together, wanting to give them whatever their heart desires, because it is all he's got. A few weeks to form a bond and hope they love you...and wanting to make up for all he is not there for. We all know that in the long run, it is not good for his child...but I think anyone in his shoes would do the same. I know that I would. What parent in the world would want to disapline their beloved child who is leaving the day after tomorrow for 6 months????? We want them to love us, not leave angry and never want to come back. So this is not a fair situation as to whether he is able to set rules under a permanent living situation and back them up. To actually parent. If I were in his shoes and my husband did ANYTHING to spoil that special and sacred time together with my child, I would be furious as well. Not under those circumstances...when those few weeks was all I had with my child.

But thank you for reminding me that NJ is struggling too. I went back and re-read her posts, and I hear her concerns. That feeling of not being heard. Her concerns and feelings not being validated...her fears that decisions are being made without her that will have an enormous impact on her life...and I get that. I feel for her. Her husband feels that window of time closing and wants a chance to be with his daughter before she no longer needs him...which is in the very near future as boys will soon be coming in and she won't need him as she once did. And yet, NJ feels so threatened by the situation, and she has a right to...it will probably be rough going for a while. But instead of fighting him on this, she needs to let her husband know that she in on his side and will help him do this, IF he respects her and their marriage enough to set up rules and guidelines, and listens to what is in NJ's comfort zone, and what isn't...as in unplanned sleepovers with no notice, etc. NJ and her husband need to sit down together and set up what is acceptable and what isn't. NJ needs to know that she is being heard and respected. And they work through this together. And they have family meetings, etc. so that his daughter understands the rules and understands that there are bounderies that need to be respected. He probably needs to talk to his ex wife and understand what rules his ex had for their daughter, and how she disaplined when rules were broken. So that they can build on what his ex's rules were for his daughter.

This is assuming that his ex agrees to any of this. What would be better I would think was if his ex could re-locate to his area, and they could both be a part of his daughters life. They could live at opposite ends of the city if they do not want to be near one another.

Anyway...NJ, I do hear what you are saying and I understand your fears. I hope that you are able to handle this with grace, so that in a few years when she is grown, she will have fond memories and be a blessing in your life (and your sons) as Bananarama found with hers. Handle her with care and remember...do not take to heart that which a teenager girl says...it is all about drama for a few years. I wish you happiness.

Bnicebekind,
You have very eloquently put to words what so many parents and grandparents feel.