Why does she live with her dad if he travels during the week and he only sees her on weekends? Does she ever see her mom and why can't she live with her mom during the week and see her dad on weekends? It sounds like she's a 'daddy's girl' and has him wrapped around her finger so maybe that's why she wants to live there. Maybe she can't fool her mom and gets away with more from dad? He probably wants to believe everything she says because he feels guilty for working so much and not being there for her. (as she was growing up that is. Most 17 year olds don't want to hang out with the parents, but she sure knows how to work it to get what she wants from him)

Of course, I don't have all the information, but I'm not sure I'd be worried about my marriage surviving if this girl is as bad as you say and if your husband is as gullible or easily manipulated by her as you say. I see it as more of a marital problem than a step child problem if your husband is putting all the responsibility for his daughter on you and then takes the daughter's side against you. That makes it look like you are little more than an unpaid babysitter that she is trying to get in trouble, rather than your husband's partner whom he respects and trusts. If he doesn't trust you enough to believe that you don't do the things she accuses you of, then how can he trust you to 'watch' over what she does during the week. Is he only concerned with his own convenience?

How old are your children and to be quite honest, if your husband isn't willing to change (and he won't if he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong), then your life would be much less stressful without the problems he and his daughter are bringing into it. You have your children to think about as well and their well being, including their mother's sanity. You deserve better.

He lives with my mother in law during the week and comes up on weekends. Now he has lost his job and when he could be here and look for a job in our area she decided she would rather live alone with him at her grandmother's.It is as if we were together he would have no choice but see her for who she really is, and if I am not around on a daily basis she can lie and manipulate him. As far as her mom you hit the nail on the head. She left her mother when her mother set rules and didn't give her an abnormal amount of attention. He always has been there for her he actually has other children he does not see. This child has always been and will always be his favorite. It seems as if she is all he needs except for an occasional role in the hay with an adult female. As I write this I realize just how abnormal their relationship is. I am asking my self how he can find such fault in his other children and never forgive them for simple things or even give them an inch and not see them and this one can be so mean and hurtful and yet he not only forgives doesn't disciple because I really think he believes she is so wonderful the world is out to get her.
I am really frighten for our situation. I also wonder what would happen if she gets in trouble and cant lie or cheat her way out of it and there is not on else to blame. He might just die or completely block it out. No my husband isn't going to change because that would mean his daughter isn't the sad and wonderful child he believes she is unless reality hits him in the face but she can run circles around him so there is little chance of that.

"He lives with my mother in law during the week and comes up on weekends. Now he has lost his job and when he could be here and look for a job in our area she decided she would rather live alone with him at her grandmother's"

This is a red flag to me.....My husband used to have to travel and be home only on weekends sometimes..it was hard on everyone and the minute he didn't have to anymore he came home and stayed put......

I don't think it is just your SD wit ha problem here....For your Husband to choose to live away from you and with his mother when there is no reason for him to (like mother is ill,cant care for herself etc....)says something is just not right to me....

I would tell him he married you, and you expect married people to live together and parent together and if he can't do that than you are done.....that is just what I would do.......
I think her playing your husband to a certain extent is normal....Kids know what they can get away with and what they cant...my SD is also very sweet and just perfect for Dad, Grandma and BM...but when they aren't around and we are at home she is not always as personable....My DH will come home and I will tell him about our day and say you wouldn't believe the way SD threw a tantrum today because I wouldn't let her..XXfill in the blank..It is hard for him to concieve because she would never act that way in front of her dad......I have always taken it as a compliment, that since I have raised SD since a toddler she feels More comfortable around me, and can let her cranky side show a bit..(and we all have cranky sides we don't share with everyone!!I know I do LOL!

As far as the pictures go...did you discover these? Have you seen them...better yet did DAD see them???? the one thing they say about picture is that they dont lie....
it unfortunately might be the "proof" you need.....
I wonder what Grandma would say if she knew about them?

my husband and I have only been married 2-1/2 years so my SD has only been with me since she was 15. It is not a cranky side she doesn't throw tantrums she is to savvy for that. Instead she lies and does things out side the home that are not acceptable to most parents and when calls come to the house he doesn't believe it and will actually blame me and say I exaggerate or making to much of it. Yet if she would be at least a little honest to her father at then maybe the world wouldn't be out to get her so he thinks.She cause such craziness with other teenagers it is not your simple caddyness or clicks she once put a hit out on a girl she is very jealous of and said it was because of her her father found out she was drinking when in fact she was walking at night down the middle of a busy street and he saw her at that moment he was levied now he just po poed it off. It gets better when the pictures came out he refused to look at them. Now he just shrugs it off. My space and face book closed her accounts he says maybe it was because someone didn't like her. Not because she broke her school rules and went on sights she wasn't suppose to or the pictures. And now he doesn't even acknowledged she did it or anything else it is so strange. I sometimes wonder what kind of adult she is becoming/ He has been broke with no money and yet used credit cards to put her in singing and acting classes in NY and gone to one of those agency's that says they will make you a star.This was around $20,000. We all want our children to reach for the stars and don't want to discourage their dreams but they also have to respect and care. This child only cares about how she can hurt she literally says she has no compassion for anyone or anything she only care about herself and her friends at the moment.She is proud when she has hurt another human being boasts and laughs and at time her father laughs at her because he thinks the way she tells him is cute or funny. I sit their horrified. She also uses her fathers love in a way that is beyond a daddy's girl. She doesn't take any challenging course in School. nor does she get straight A's
in fact the only time she does is when she gets the work from someone else or cheats. It is not because she can't get good grade she does have to.Yet she doesn't work.
Her grandmother has never punished or expected anything from my husband Whatever he does she lets go Like my husband will know for that moment what he does isn't right but then justifies it and actually blames others.

I am very sorry to hear about your predicament but i'll be brutally honest cause i've witness this situation withoneof my coworkers. This woman is 36 years old and behaves like your SD. In fact, her daddy bails her out at every moment!
So regardless of how your SD acts, she is the product ofyour husband and he is an enabler. I personally would end this relationship for the mere fact that your kids are hurt and your marriage to this man will not get better. In fact your SD will continue to suck the money out of your husband and you being his wife will start footing the bills eventually.
I strongly recomment that you end it quickly and as cleanly as possible.
Your husband will not change. He loves his daughter and he sees no wrong. Even if he acknowledges some ofher wrong doings , that will not change his behaviour. He will bail her out with everything and will always blame someone else.
Do you have a joint account? Are you responsible for his visa?
This is a very dangerous situation moneywise and for the sake of your children cut this man out of your life.
I know you love hiim but sometimes you need to let go.

Sounds like this girl probably has started out doing some quite typical things of teens (doing off-limits stuff outside the house and lying about it), which has been exaggerated and is now bordering on the extreme, for the following reasons:

-first off, your expectations as a step-parent are going to be stricter and harsher than they would be if you were her bio-parent. This is a common fact, and it is what it is. Therefore you may be in your mind somewhat exaggerating the gravity and severity of her 'bad' traits and their significance. At some point down the road in most bio-parents' lives, they look back on the "hellish teen years" of their bio-kids and laugh about it, and the kids grow up to be as decent folks as anyone.

-SD has seen that she gets attention ---albeit NEGATIVE attention--- when she acts out. Negative attention is better than no attention, which is probably what she feels she is getting from her Dad. She's probably extremely resentful ---as much as you are and probably more--- that Dad goes off and sticks the two of you alone together. She may feel that if you weren't around, Dad would HAVE to be around more, so in her eyes you ARE a direct obstacle to a closer relationship with her Dad.

-Thus she has no motivation whatsoever to conform to anyone's expectations, especially yours.

-Your own resentment is building at being left alone to deal with SD all the time. It's contributing to the general atmosphere of distrust & impatience, and making it much more likely for you to start establishing a pattern of perceiving everything SD does in the worst possible light, filtered through a conceptualization of her as a through-and-through 'bad seed'.

-SD picks up on how you feel about her, and again, has no motivation to change it, and one of the reasons is she probably already feels like she can't change your perception of her anyway.

-At this point, because Dad is gone so much, you are probably feeling your own needs for attention from him. Thus on some level (maybe not fully-conscious) you are in competition with SD for his time and attention, which is few and far between. So YOU don't have much motivation to view HER in a good light, either.

-SD going out and having fun with her friends gives her the emotional connection she utterly lacks at home.

-SD going off and being a nasty troll to other kids gives her an outlet for her hurt and angry feelings (in addition to the aforementioned attention). This is NOT a good pattern, and she's at a critical point in her development. If the overall situation doesn't improve, she is likely to learn to be a hard-hearted trouble-making adult who picks on other people to feel any sense of significance or aliveness.

So, the way it sounds with this whole situation, the following things need to change:

-Dad needs to get his a$$ home more, period.
-He needs to be there for his daughter and he needs to relieve you of having to be there for her all the time. He also needs to give enough time to you so that you don't feel resentful of time & attention he gives her.
-When he's spending time with SD, he needs to be talking to her, especially LISTENING to her, and beginning a process of SD safely sharing feelings.
-And he has to be more open-minded and empathetic towards her if there is going to be any change in her negative-attention-seeking behaviors. She has to be encouraged to see that she can get attention from him without getting in trouble. She needs to feel that whatever feelings she is having or adjustment issues she needs to vent about are safe with him (so she does not seek to vent these upon other people).
-You need to acknowledge your own mixed feelings and potential biases that are inclining you to view SD in the worst possible light. If you give her no room to evolve or exceed your expectations, she will continue exactly as she is b/c what's the point of doing otherwise?

Sweeby, thats an excellent point. Very often our expectations for our stepkids are stricter than our expectations for our bio kids. We KNOW our biokids very well, and are more easily able to pass off things as just part of who the kid is. We are on new ground with stepkids.

And our husbands are the same way. A lot of men are non confrontational anyway, and the fact is, they just dont have strict expectations for their own children, because they have had these kids since birth and are more willing to see it as the kids personality, rather than any real problems

What were the circumstances of the marriage? its only been 2.5 years, how long did you date before you married, how long have the kids known you? HOw long were the parents divorced before you met your husband?

He ought to be living at h ome full time, not at his mothers. If he wont do that, maybe SD should move to grammas and he can see her there during the week, and be home with you on weekends.

I think it's Serenity you're agreeing with Kathline, and not me --

The one thing I would do immediately is not accept one call about SD. If there is any trouble and a call comes, I would cut anyone off and give your DH work number and let him deal with the problems.

BTDT...it isn't fun or easy, and I feel for you. How I dealt with a similar situation, was to completely to detach from SD. Until I completely seperated myself from her, to the point that I wouldn't even be in the same room as her, and preferably not even in the house when she came over, I was her favorite target. She would constantly tell SO how mean I was to her, what awful things I would say to her or call her, etc. None of it was true, as I was bending over backward to be her friend. She didn't want me as a friend, what she wanted, was a home with no rules & free reign over SO's wallet. Once I detached from her, SO had to face the fact that SD was lying when she stated I called her names, was mean to her, or rolled my eyes at her, as I hadn't seen or spoken to her in months. That is when things changed. When he could no longer blame me, when the only possible answer was that SD was lying to cause trouble between us, then he had to address the issue with SD. Until then, he believed everything she said to him, believed that I was mean & evil, because that way, SD was still his innocent princess. I still am detached, so I still don't see SD, buy her presents, or take any interest in her school or activities. She still hasn't apologized, as SO has asked her to, and in fact, hasn't spoken to either of us in a long time, as she told SO that she did nothing wrong (as a COD, she feels it is her right to lie about me to SO, so that she can have "special/private time" with SO, and feels SO should allow this). She has, however, tried to contact me on myspace & facebook, to be her "friend", coincidentally received 1 week before her b-day! lol. I didn't accept her friend invitation, and didn't get another until, yes, 1 week before x-mas! Too predictable to even be funny!

I would tell your DH that you need a husband who loves, trusts & respects you, and he is being none of those things. Let him know what your boundaries & expectations are, and ask him if he is willing & able to agree on working on a relationship that can satisfy you both. Either way, you will have your answer, and can move on from there. Best of luck to you!

"she told SO that she did nothing wrong (as a COD, she feels it is her right to lie about me to SO, so that she can have "special/private time" with SO, and feels SO should allow this)."

Dogdogcrazy--- just to clarify, are you saying SD wants time alone with her Dad and you don't feel it should be allowed? Also, how old a girl is this?

No she doesn't want quality time with him she want manipulation time.. He allows her to do anything she wants except see her biological mom when she wants. He lets her go out with this boy who sells drugs cuts school and drinks but doesn't want her to spend time with her real mom and sisters. He doesn't want to share her instead he allows her to do anything. he has no money but he buys her to keep her I don't understand he gave up two children and keep her and doesn't want her to see her real mother the reality is scary and yes the other two children are his biological children.
This is not just a 17year old spreading her wings she wheels and deals like a pro. She is cruel and he laughs she says she has no compassion for anyone and he laughs. When she is being cruel or mean the venom that she spews is unbelievable. She want to live with her grandmother because her grandmother never told her father when he acted badly and always defended his actions and like her father will do the same with her. I know what I have to do is cut my loses but I can't believe this has happened to me. I have financial carried him one way or another since we have been together I believe I was used to be a mother to her so she might not want to see her real mother and until I wasn't needed or better yet until I said uncle.

Based on what you have said here, GET OUT NOW!!! You've WASTED 2 1/2 years of your life and life is too short to waste it trying to figure out someone else's problems and issues when he doesn't think there's anything wrong with what's going on and if you are implying that there is an underlying reason he favors her, then there probably is. You know him, we don't. From the sound of it, you suspect something and I'd listen to my gut. It does sound like you've been used and are not appreciated or respected. It all just sounds so dysfunctional and abnormal, I don't see much hope for a happily ever after for you. Your stepdaughter isn't the problem, her father is. Like I said before, YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!

Ladies, this post sounds exactly like the one about stepdaughters wedding. Same way of using punctuation and same way of constructing awfully long sentences (like teenager would). In both cases a, so called new poster, registered on the same day as they post their controversail story and then watch people argue. Maybe this is not a fake one but just check the weding post. Sounds awfully familiar. Something smells fishy here.

FD, it wouldn't surprise me. Not long ago, I took a thread and located the IP address for every person that posted. Then I used a program I have to locate the GPS coordinates and found that there are a few different posters with different IP addresses with the same GPS coordinates. Now, I'm not sure if the GPS coordinates lead to the users actual location or the location of the service provider (if several members use the same service provider) but I suspect there are some members that post here under more than one screen name, and probably a few are bored teenagers.

Well school will be starting soon. Arent we all happy with that.

I wrote this to try to get help with my family or what is left of it. This is the first time I ever posted anything on this forum. So instead of getting help I am getting feed back based on the notion I am a teenager or the same person that wrote something on a wedding.
The real issue is that a young girl of 17 has manipulated her entire family to the point that she is now posting blogs on how the ruin your parents life and get anything you want while you do it.
Again she doesn't want to spend time with her father her real mother or anyone she justs wants to do what she wants to do.. She is entering her senior year and has no job doesn't want to go to college her father lost his job and he is going into over twenty thousand dollars of credit card debt to continue to keep her in clothes and jewelry he can't nor never could afford he never made more than fifty or sixty thousand dollars a year. He has no health benefits he depends on me and now that she is living with her grandmother I don't even know if she is eligible to stay under my health benefits.
She is dating a drug dealer and there is nothing I can do or say about it. Her father says he believes her when she says he never carries drugs or deals drugs when he is with her. Tell me does this seem odd to anyone? I now don't want her in my home anymore in fear that she will bring this home. So since I last wrote these new developments have changed things If my husband doesn't disciple her and I cant how can I let her be around my children or in my home.
I love my husband but I have an obligation to keep my children safe and under the new circumstances having her in my home isn't an option.. MY children informed me she was bring drugs in the house and when my son found out he told her he was not only going to tell us but call the police. I am sure she brings things into my mother-in-laws house she is 65 and doesn't speak much English. So although I love my husband my life may have to be on hold until she is 18 in June. She wants to go out and be discovered she is considering working at Disney a character for experience for acting. That is today tomorrow who knows. If I sound bitter I am. I gave this child love, a home, clothes and anything she could want.Including consistence and rules. I was her only parent five to six days a week. Now she has total freedom because know one knows what she does she can lie and they believe it. The fact that she is writing this on her new facebook which her father does think she has since the time she put up naked pictures of her self.Tells you she is really something If she put this to good I swear she could rival Donald Trump

Help! My 15 year old step-daughter is using the excuse that she is uncomfortable with me as the reason for not wanting to see her father. She seems to have her mom convinced of this while her father and I agree that her motives are related to seeing her first 'real' boyfriend as much as possible which would include the 4-5 days a month her father can see her. motive. When we do see her it is almost always when her boyfriend is not around and we all get along famously. Any ideas on how to handle this would be most helpful.

So assuming this is all truthful.. then there is really no question as to what to do... GET OUT !! Her turning 18 will not solve a single thing. 18 is not a magic number that makes kids disappear and if the child is taking no responsibility now, what makes you think that will change in a year? I mean the man is choosing to live away from you because the daughter wants it... he has already made his decision. It is time for you to do what is best for you and your children. And, personally, as I am reading this I think; how sick is their (father daughter) relationship? He has other kids that he doesnt see! That would have been a red flag BEFORE getting married. I wonder how those children feel and suffer knowing that dad chose one child over themselves. And more so... why is mom allowing this to happen? The thought that keeps circling my mind is daddy might not need an "adult woman" for a "roll in the hay". I can't see that there is any question as to what to do.

I received the same reception when I first posted what was a very real problem with my SD. I was accused of being jealous, trying to control my husband, etc. etc. Fortunately, she is an adult and does not live with us. I finally stood up to her and it has improved the situation 100%

Everyone says get out, when you love someone, it's not that simple at all. I consider leaving but because of my love, I couldnt and wouldnt. My husband has money issues from his ex wife, I try to help, offer a solution and be there for him. I know that's not the same as to what you are going through but hang in there if you love this man.

Have you tried counseling? Maybe a counselor can help your husband see what his daughter is doing. (If someone posted this, sorry, I only skimmed responses as I saw where they were going)

Good Luck

howd this turn out?